Hello Poly Community!
I'm a 26 year old American woman in a long-term relationship with my bf (let's call him W) of 1.5 years. I've always felt like monogamy wasn't enough for me and I could never quite understand why I was only allowed to love one person at a time.
When I met my W, I was in another long-distance relationship that I didn't want to end. We were very in love, despite the distance, so I told my ex bf the situation- that I had cheated and I was in love with another person. After telling W that I loved both of them, and that I feel like I'm polyamorous he made it clear to me that he would only be in a monogamous relationship. After 2 weeks, I decided to stick to the rules of monogamy and break up with my long-distance bf for W, who I felt had more of the same values and life path. It wasn't an easy decision, but I know now (even as a naturally poly person) that I made the right choice. Our relationship has been amazing.
Fast forward to now, and I'm in a very uncomfortable position. Here's the backstory/rant/pour out my entire feelings and the problem that I'm having.
Scroll down to the
for the short version.
W and I went to France 3 months ago, he went to do an intense trip paragliding and hiking through the countryside for a month and I went to teach English at a camp. We were only physically together for a few days before we went on our separate journeys.
At some point about a week later, he was spending less and less time focused on his trip and more time doing other touristy things. I didn't think much of it, because I was EXTREMELY busy working 15 hour days at camp, and I was happy that he was enjoying his time in Europe.
About 3 weeks into his trip we met up again on a long weekend and unfortunately I was super sick. Normally he would be very sweet and understanding but he was acting different. We were arguing more than ever, and he didn't seem happy to be with me. Going back to camp I was sad to say goodbye and he was excited to get back out and travel (understandably so).
About a week later, he had randomly taken a bus all the way to Amsterdam "because it was cheap" instead of continuing his epic trip, which I didn't think anything of at the time. I had noticed that he wasn't making much an effort to stay in contact with me like he normally would... not sending many pictures or messages, not calling often, not wanting to talk long or skype. When one night I was still sick and having an especially bad day, and I begged him to skype with me because I needed his support. He refused, using the same excuse he had been, "because he was staying at a hostel and he couldn't be loud on the phone." Instead he told me we could talk, but only briefly. We talked for a few minutes and I heard a woman's voice talking to him, and no other voices. I was slightly suspicious and felt like I should still trust him since he is a monogamous person, but I couldn't get rid of the feeling that something was different. He didn't even seem to want to talk to me or comfort me. Later I messaged him asking if I did something wrong and if that is the reason why he wasn't trying to stay in contact. He told me we would talk the next day. To say the least, I was a ball of nerves and worried immensely about what we needed to talk about.
Then the conversation happened.
W told me that the reason he had been so distant and not able to talk much was because he had met another woman. He told me that he had been spending a lot of time with her and he was sorry he didn't tell me sooner, but he didn't want to make me feel worse when I was already sick. My first feeling was of betrayal. How could he, a monogamous man, who I fully trusted, do this to me?
I was definitely hurt, but I remembered my feelings from when I did the same to my ex. Instead of responding to W with complete anger, I responded with compassion. I told W that I wasn't mad that he fell in love with another woman (J) , that I could understand loving more than one person, and that I know the feeling well. I told him that I could forgive him and that I would gladly share him with J. This threw him off guard, but he said he would talk to J and see how she felt about everything. He called me back and explained that she didn't want to share him. She wanted him to choose. He asked for a couple of days to think about what he wanted to do, without speaking to either of us.
Those couple of days killed me. This man that I envisioned an entire future with, was contemplating whether or not he wanted to stay together. It was inconceivable to me.
When I got the call from him I listened more intently than ever. Our connection wasn't great over wi-fi and when he said, "I choose to stay with you," I thought I had misheard him and asked him to repeat himself in disbelief. I asked him how he came to that decision and he told me that he didn't realize just how much I loved him.. That when I was being understanding and willing to share him, that he wanted to stay with me. It made me so ecstatic to hear those words.
Now, though, it's a few months later and he still talks with J on a regular basis, which I thought would be completely fine, but it's starting to bother me. NOT because he's giving time and attention to somebody else, but because he's giving it to a woman that he KNOWS doesn't want to share him. He still tells me that he doesn't know what he will do, because he knows that she won't change her mind.
How am I supposed to continue each day with him, not knowing if he will leave me in a few months time? I don't feel like myself, because I don't feel secure in our relationship anymore. Everyday I feel a little betrayed by him, and I don't know what to do with these feelings. I've already talked with him about it, and he just says he doesn't know, which doesn't put me at ease whatsoever. W also says that he's not sure he wants a poly relationship, that he doesn't know if he could handle it, or how it would work... but he loves us both. I would 100% be comfortable being in a poly relationship with W, but neither of them seem to want that right now.
If you've read this far, THANK YOU, because I haven't had anyone to talk to that would understand where I'm coming from. I know this was supposed to be about me, but this is me right now and my all consuming thoughts/worries.
<3
Has anyone else experienced this?
What advice could you give to me?
I'm a 26 year old American woman in a long-term relationship with my bf (let's call him W) of 1.5 years. I've always felt like monogamy wasn't enough for me and I could never quite understand why I was only allowed to love one person at a time.
When I met my W, I was in another long-distance relationship that I didn't want to end. We were very in love, despite the distance, so I told my ex bf the situation- that I had cheated and I was in love with another person. After telling W that I loved both of them, and that I feel like I'm polyamorous he made it clear to me that he would only be in a monogamous relationship. After 2 weeks, I decided to stick to the rules of monogamy and break up with my long-distance bf for W, who I felt had more of the same values and life path. It wasn't an easy decision, but I know now (even as a naturally poly person) that I made the right choice. Our relationship has been amazing.
Fast forward to now, and I'm in a very uncomfortable position. Here's the backstory/rant/pour out my entire feelings and the problem that I'm having.
Scroll down to the
for the short version.W and I went to France 3 months ago, he went to do an intense trip paragliding and hiking through the countryside for a month and I went to teach English at a camp. We were only physically together for a few days before we went on our separate journeys.
At some point about a week later, he was spending less and less time focused on his trip and more time doing other touristy things. I didn't think much of it, because I was EXTREMELY busy working 15 hour days at camp, and I was happy that he was enjoying his time in Europe.
About 3 weeks into his trip we met up again on a long weekend and unfortunately I was super sick. Normally he would be very sweet and understanding but he was acting different. We were arguing more than ever, and he didn't seem happy to be with me. Going back to camp I was sad to say goodbye and he was excited to get back out and travel (understandably so).
About a week later, he had randomly taken a bus all the way to Amsterdam "because it was cheap" instead of continuing his epic trip, which I didn't think anything of at the time. I had noticed that he wasn't making much an effort to stay in contact with me like he normally would... not sending many pictures or messages, not calling often, not wanting to talk long or skype. When one night I was still sick and having an especially bad day, and I begged him to skype with me because I needed his support. He refused, using the same excuse he had been, "because he was staying at a hostel and he couldn't be loud on the phone." Instead he told me we could talk, but only briefly. We talked for a few minutes and I heard a woman's voice talking to him, and no other voices. I was slightly suspicious and felt like I should still trust him since he is a monogamous person, but I couldn't get rid of the feeling that something was different. He didn't even seem to want to talk to me or comfort me. Later I messaged him asking if I did something wrong and if that is the reason why he wasn't trying to stay in contact. He told me we would talk the next day. To say the least, I was a ball of nerves and worried immensely about what we needed to talk about.
Then the conversation happened.
W told me that the reason he had been so distant and not able to talk much was because he had met another woman. He told me that he had been spending a lot of time with her and he was sorry he didn't tell me sooner, but he didn't want to make me feel worse when I was already sick. My first feeling was of betrayal. How could he, a monogamous man, who I fully trusted, do this to me?
I was definitely hurt, but I remembered my feelings from when I did the same to my ex. Instead of responding to W with complete anger, I responded with compassion. I told W that I wasn't mad that he fell in love with another woman (J) , that I could understand loving more than one person, and that I know the feeling well. I told him that I could forgive him and that I would gladly share him with J. This threw him off guard, but he said he would talk to J and see how she felt about everything. He called me back and explained that she didn't want to share him. She wanted him to choose. He asked for a couple of days to think about what he wanted to do, without speaking to either of us.
Those couple of days killed me. This man that I envisioned an entire future with, was contemplating whether or not he wanted to stay together. It was inconceivable to me.
When I got the call from him I listened more intently than ever. Our connection wasn't great over wi-fi and when he said, "I choose to stay with you," I thought I had misheard him and asked him to repeat himself in disbelief. I asked him how he came to that decision and he told me that he didn't realize just how much I loved him.. That when I was being understanding and willing to share him, that he wanted to stay with me. It made me so ecstatic to hear those words.
Now, though, it's a few months later and he still talks with J on a regular basis, which I thought would be completely fine, but it's starting to bother me. NOT because he's giving time and attention to somebody else, but because he's giving it to a woman that he KNOWS doesn't want to share him. He still tells me that he doesn't know what he will do, because he knows that she won't change her mind.
How am I supposed to continue each day with him, not knowing if he will leave me in a few months time? I don't feel like myself, because I don't feel secure in our relationship anymore. Everyday I feel a little betrayed by him, and I don't know what to do with these feelings. I've already talked with him about it, and he just says he doesn't know, which doesn't put me at ease whatsoever. W also says that he's not sure he wants a poly relationship, that he doesn't know if he could handle it, or how it would work... but he loves us both. I would 100% be comfortable being in a poly relationship with W, but neither of them seem to want that right now.
If you've read this far, THANK YOU, because I haven't had anyone to talk to that would understand where I'm coming from. I know this was supposed to be about me, but this is me right now and my all consuming thoughts/worries.
<3
Has anyone else experienced this?
What advice could you give to me?
