The Best Life Yet

What a crap day I've had. I woke up super tired despite getting a full night's sleep. My bunnies made a mess all over the floor kicking hay everywhere and I couldn't find my broom forever (turned out it had fallen behind the stove). People were driving like jerks on the way to work.

My boss was being cranky. I found out I have to go to a conference the same week in October that Aurora is supposed to come visit (though thankfully just for half the week). I spent too much time thinking about the Jasper thing. My property manager was bugging me about needing my cat's vaccination records, for some odd reason, and I had to spend time messaging with Moss to figure out where the fuck they might be. I started feeling like I'm getting sick AGAIN—third time in six weeks!—in the afternoon. I ended up stuck at work for an extra half hour.

I've felt kinda woozy and terrible and bad tempered all day. :mad:

On the bright side, we picked up a rolling kitchen cart from Craigslist for $60, which gives us a bit more storage in there, plus it has a cutting board top, so that's more counter space too. The new kitchen itself is bigger, but there is somehow fewer cupboards. I don't mind; it makes it feel less closed in.

I had big plans to get a ton of administrative life shit done tonight, but since I'm not feeling so well, Rider stopped at the store and got me some frozen crab meat and then we made crab soup. We're probably just gonna eat that and binge Better Call Saul. Grump grump grump.
 
Aaaaand of course Jasper texts with an apology, sliding in right under the wire. Now my carefully crafted email draft that I was planning to send tomorrow no longer applies, and I have to rethink what I am going to say. :|
 
I ended up just keeping the (short) text conversation with Jasper very light, figuring that if things stay how they've been I probably won't hear from him super soon again.

He apologized for disappearing and explained that he's been in "work hermit mode" (which I take with a grain of salt because I know he's been out at least a few times since I last saw him). He said he hopes I'm well.

I replied that I'm OK and that I've also been pretty busy, what with settling into the new apartment and such. I said that I hope that "work hermit mode" is a good thing. And he said he thinks it is, for him. I told him that as long as he's enjoying it, that is what matters. And he gave me a little heart emoji. And I didn't say anything back.

If I were trying to keep things going, I'd have been super excited to hear from him and would have asked him when he'd be free to hang out. But I'm not and I didn't. I'm going to wait a few more days, then tweak the wording in the email letter and send it.

I think, given the little heart in response to my being fairly detached, that he is perfectly happy with three text volleys of small talk and no offer to hang out. That, to me, is loose platonic friendship, so hopefully he'll also be perfectly happy that that's the direction in which my letter is steering us.
 
I've been having one crap day after another this week, I swear. Continued lack of communication from the rental office re: the security deposit debacle. A parking ticket on a block that used to be OK but they must have changed the signs since I was last there. Being sick. Technical problems at work.

I'm actually in remarkably good spirits despite all of that, though.

I did a thing I've been meaning to do for a while: crafted a detailed plan for self-care. My idea is to implement it in stages, adding a couple new things every time the last couple things become more or less habit. I've also declared a 30-days-booze-free thing (June 4 to July 3) so I can focus well on implementing the first part of my plan.

With my half of the less-than-expected deposit return, I was still able to refill my Pilates membership, get some new shelving for the apartment, and make an appointment for touch-up lasering. I have a museum date planned with Cherry on Sunday of next week. I expect to be able to afford my first session with the vocal coach Constance recommended to me (who will be giving me a "friend rate" so cheaper than I expected) upon my next paycheck. Tonight, Rider and I will be recording some loose demos of our songs to show to her.

I also have a hike planned with Oona tomorrow, the pride/resist march on Sunday, and plans to work on my next set of books in the evenings of both nights.

So screw those stupid bad luck days! They can't keep me down!

I've also been talking to both Rider and Oona (separately) about childhood issues stuff. I'm sure I mentioned here back when I was doing that reading about a year ago about all that stuff, but a quick recap is that due to being the child of an alcoholic, I have weird issues around trying to have total control of my life including trying to predict and steer the future.

The books say it happens because growing up you never know what to expect. Your parent will be sweet one day and a monster the next. You have to change homes and schools a lot, starting over having to make all new friends, all because your parent loses their job and has to start over too. Plans and promises are made but canceled or forgotten. And so the child’s mind decides that THEY will just try to control their own outcomes as much as possible, since they can’t depend on others to be consistent. And fuck if that isn’t me and my life to a T!

I built my entire life on bootstrapping, determination, and planning, and to this day I only feel comfortable when either I know what to expect in the future, or I turn control (including of my own choices—dinner and the whatnot) over to someone who I know I can trust.

Obviously, this situation is at odds with poly, and it's what I kept bumping up against while trying to do it. I literally CANNOT feel like someone I don’t know and/or don’t trust is influencing the person closest to me without losing my shit. When it's just us, Rider generally accepts a certain degree of my wrangling, steering, and controlling “our” life together—in fact, he often expresses gratitude for it, since he self-admittedly sucks at scheduling and administrative shit—but when another person’s desires enter the picture, I can’t do anything about those, including not being able to do anything about what those desires “make” Rider want to do, himself.

The fact of the matter is that he is generally quite predictable, which is how I like it. And new people make him unpredictable, which freaks me right the fuck out. Not being able to predict things to a decently reliable degree makes me feel like I am not on secure footing in the world (due to those childhood issues) and feeling insecure in that way makes me jealous.

Meditation helps with that a little bit, but I still get stuck in mental ruts that I think only more therapy will give me the tools to pry my way out of. It’s at least helpful to be aware of it. That way I can at least have the mindfulness of “oh, I’m doing that thing again” even if I don’t have the impulse control yet to stop.

I’m confident it’s something that therapy can eventually help with, but am waiting till I meet other personal goals that are otherwise diverting my finances. Once I get to the point I need to be with the laser stuff (permanently gone) and the voice stuff (confident enough to record our album), I can redirect that money to regular therapy for a while.

It sucks being relatively poor for the area I live in! I have to choose between self-confidence builders that make me happy with my skills and body, and refining my mental health so that I can take on more challenging relationship situations. But Rider is amazing because he's said he wants to be with me no matter the relationship shape, which gives me the peace I need to progress at the sensible pace that’s right for me, not feeling under pressure.

He constantly tells me how happy I make him, with no caveats, even though I know he would eventually like to get back to poly. The truth is, so would I! And he knows that. We have similar goals but just differing current abilities of how to achieve them, similar aspirations but different tools in the toolbox.

Oona and Toby are on the outs again. I really think their problem is that they speak totally different love languages and Toby is very stubborn. Well. They're both pretty stubborn, but Toby is by far the worse. He's an acts of service and touch guy, and she's quality time and gifts, closely followed by words. His first two are her last two. His work is such that their QT is always interrupted by work calls, and he sees little "romantic gesture" type gifts as frivolous. And since they are both stubborn, they refuse to learn each other's languages enough to accept that the other acts love that way or needs love that way.

Oona told me she feels like she's starving for love being in this relationship because, while he does her favors all the time, they're no more extreme favors than he'd do for friends or family, so she doesn't feel "special." She needs to feel prioritized and elevated. She wants flowers and baubles and for him to be publicly cutesy with her on Facebook. He's not a cutesy kind of guy AT ALL. She deeply envies the relationship that Rider and I have, and that her other very good friend has with her partner, where the guy is very sweet and solicitous and demonstrative. She says she feels like they are basically roommates who fuck at this point. I hope she figures out what to do soon. I hate seeing her unhappy.
 
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I unexpectedly ended up texting Jasper Friday night because he tweeted something that made me worry about him. I'm not going to go too deep into it because it's his business, but basically when I saw it, it prompted me to text him with a "hey, I saw your tweet—are you OK?" kind of message.

And he said he would be OK, even if he didn't feel OK at that exact moment. He apologized again for being so distant and, even though the timing seemed really poor since he was already stressed about other things, I felt like I couldn't continue our conversation in good faith without letting him know (gently) that I needed to downgrade to platonic friendship. I said, "It's OK. We can still be friends at a distance, just the other kind of friends, you know?" And he said he wished I could come over but he understands. I offered to call him on the phone if he needed an ear, and he said no but thanked me for reaching out and checking on him.

And so it turns out that I will not need my lengthy, nuanced email explaining my decision after all. He now knows what is up, and he knows why. I'll give it some time, with light, friendly text contact only, and maybe after some time has passed, we can hang out as friends. I texted him on Sunday with a "happy pride" message that I was sending to all of the people in my text and IM list that I know are queer in some way, and he responded simply. I like the idea of staying in loose touch. For all my complaints about him over the past six months, I do think he's a pretty amazing person and I would love to keep him in my life to some degree, if he's into that.

My weekend was overall pretty good. Saturday morning, Rider and I tried somewhere new for breakfast and he LOVED IT. It's funny because I'd tried to get him to try that place soon after we moved here, and he said he'd peeked in and it looked "too fancy" so I'd let the matter drop. I'm not sure what he was seeing back then, but once we got in there, it was anything but fancy, and it was also totally affordable.

After breakfast, I went to go pick Oona up for hiking. We had such a good time! We were out for probably 5 hours and found some really good spots to hang out. We're talking about getting a posse together up there for a picnic and maybe even some camping at some point. It has been FAR too long since I've been camping. We stayed until about sunset, then I drove us back and dropped her off. I came home and worked on my books until I fell asleep.

Yesterday was the Resist March at Pride. Rider came with me. There were some really great speeches that had me in tears at moments. After the march, we Lyfted back to our neighborhood and I had a coffee while he had breakfast at that same place again. I had a first date with a woman who I have since decided is probably more friend material than anything. I liked her a lot, but I didn't sense much potential for attraction there the way I had with Cherry. We'll see, I guess. She seemed like more Rider's "type" than mine, to be honest. I definitely do want to hang out with her more though, if only to have more friends who are non-monogamous. (She and her husband have a form of an open relationship.)

I ended up drinking after all, hanging out with her, but I'm not beating myself up too hard over it. It was worth it to me to be able to connect with someone new. I'm so much less shy and reserved once I've had a couple. It's a total crutch, but it really does help me be more social.

I did, however, wake up slightly hung over, which is my least favorite way to start the week. I don't know what it is lately, but for the past year or so, instead of "traditional" hangover symptoms (headache, nausea, etc.), I instead get mostly psychological ones—incredible anxiety, difficulty concentrating, and a sense of doom and guilt even though I know I didn't do anything wrong. Juxtaposed with my fine mood despite adversity last week, it's just so clear that it's better NOT to drink than to drink. :p

I wish there were something else that had a similar social-relaxation effect on me that was not alcohol. Marijuana makes it worse, even though it's still fun around people I trust. Regular anti-anxiety meds like Xanax make me sleepy. But alcohol gives me endless energy (until the end of the night anyway), a superpower of being able to find something in common with almost anyone, and the ability to talk and connect from a very authentic and vulnerable place that is difficult for me to access in social situations when sober. Maybe there are articles online about how to achieve this without a chemical crutch. I'll have to look.

The stupid anxiety woke me up around 5:00 a.m. and my usual meditation tricks were not working to get me back to sleep. Or were barely. I'd fall asleep for a few minutes and then my heart would race and wake me right back up again. It doesn't help that our new place gets a lot more sun in the morning than the last place, and it's that time of year that it rises earlier than any other time. When I checked my phone after lying in bed fighting the anxiety for a while, I was SHOCKED to see it was only 5:25. I'd thought for sure it was closer to 7:00 by the light. Nope.

On top of the anxiety and being tired from waking up too early, my period started this morning and I'm having terrible cramps. I would like more than anything to just crawl back into bed with Rider and cuddle back to sleep. His physical presence is one of the most comforting things in the world. The only redeeming part of being awake when I shouldn't have been this morning was getting to curl up next to him and breathe in the scent of his sleep-sweat.

Tonight we're supposed to go to a (pretty short) performance of a friend of ours. I'm unclear on exactly what it is, but I think it's some kind of reading? She shows up for our band shows sometimes, though, so I feel like we should return the favor. Even though I should probably be home napping and then working on my books. Afterward, I guess. This week is crazy busy and I wish I were just sleeping instead.

I keep intending to go back and tell the wedding/honeymoon story and now also to talk feminism over on Spork's blog, but the present keeps crowding out the recent past. I used to be so OCD about doing things in sequence, but it seems that lately I have adopted a more "triage" sort of strategy to writing topics: write about the current, pressing stuff and back-burner everything else.

Ugh, stupid cramps. They are making it hard to concentrate on anything. I guess I should go get some work done though.
 
Also: does it ever seem like coincidences come in waves? I've been having the craziest rash of coincidences lately—real "what are the odds of that" kind of shit. And a ton of déjà vu, probably fueled by those very coincidences. I almost feel like I am a character in a novel right now. :p
 
I does seem so

At times for me... It seems there are seasons for such things... Or when things align I see it happen more.. Maybe just notice it more.
Does happen!
 
The performance last night ended up being really interesting. It was three pairs of writers, with each pair having written on themes that were opposites, and they were pitted against each other with the winner chosen via audience applause. Our friend won her round, in part because Rider and I carried on quite loudly for her. She seemed super tickled that we'd actually shown up. I enjoyed it even though I was exhausted and suddenly gripped by neck pain.

Rider gave me a serious neck rub that helped a lot, and afterward I just flopped down on the couch and worked on my books. Eventually my cat curled up under my arm and put me right to sleep. Rider woke me up around 1:00 to move to the bed. I'd put an ill-fitting blackout curtain up as a temporary measure to cut some of the light from our bedroom in the morning, and it worked like a charm. I slept till my alarm went off, dreaming all the while.

I had a pretty emotionally intense dream about Jasper, and even in the dream I was telling him how I felt and why it didn't work for me anymore. If waking me and dream me are on the same page, that's usually a good sign.

Rider is going through a bit of friend drama. Y'all may remember Shana and Al from before we moved. They were the friends who used to host the musical BBQs we used to attend sometimes. Shana was also pretty good friends with Rider's ex-Claire. Anyway, Shana and Al recently broke up. Rider was friends with Shana first, but she's well known to be a bit unstable, and I think Rider ultimately ended up closer to Al over time.

Shana is now giving Rider a really hard time because he refuses to take sides and sever his friendship with Al now that they're broken up. Rider doesn't take sides in breakups. He never has. As far as he's concerned, as long as the person hasn't wronged him personally, he's cool with them. Shana has made a big, dramatic production of being pouty and visibly miserable on public social media posts over the past six weeks since they split. It really seemed like she was trying to get Al to pity her and take her back.

But yesterday it became clear that he's now dating someone else, and instead of being pouty, she's switched to the war path, accusing him of having cheated on her and demanding that all mutual friends torch their friendships with Al. When Rider was unwilling to do so, she went on a tirade about how fucked up it is and saying she's going to unfollow both of us on social media. Like that matters. It's all a bunch of middle school playground bullshit, really.

Honestly, I've held her at arm's length ever since she tried to stir up drama within my polycule three years ago. I don't remember if I was writing here at that point or not, and it's not worth getting into, but basically it instilled in me a distrust of her. I still had FUN with her sometimes, but I didn't TRUST her because she definitely has a side that's petty and pot-stirring and drama-seeking. And here it is, surfacing again. I think she's really trying Rider's patience, and I feel bad for him. Luckily for me, I have a lot less history with her, so she has not engaged with me directly on that front.

Oh! I don't know if I mentioned it here or not, but Aurora has confirmed that she'll come out here for her birthday in October. I went ahead and bought her a concert ticket, and we'll deal with plane tickets closer to the actual date. I'm excited! It's gonna be a fun adventure.

In less exciting news, the stupid property management situation is still ridiculous. We currently have three outstanding items with them: the $250 in "errors" on our security deposit; the permission to get a new cat; and it's the 13th and we still haven't received our copy of our new lease. I emailed them twice in the past week and received no response at all. So I'm having Rider contact our particular building manager today to ask for advice on the best way to proceed. I just wanna get all this crap wrapped up and over with so we can get back to the business of just living.
 
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Well, there's good news and bad news.

The bad news is that we're not getting that $250 back. They explained how they calculated things and, even though it's suspect in that it's totally skewed in their favor (of course), there is at least an angle from which it can be argued that it makes some kind of sense.

The good news is that we do have permission to get a new cat. I just want to confirm one more thing to make sure that if we do cough up an additional $150 for the extra pet deposit, that they are not going to try to steal that too when we move out. If we do decide to go for it, it probably won't be till next weekend, as we are very busy this weekend.
 
Everyone, meet my new kitten, Tater. I got him last night. A toothless old man was selling his Siamese mix cat's kittens on Recycler. I am against "backyard breeders" but I'm pretty sure this dude's cat just got out and he was asking for money so the kittens didn't become dog bait. He offered me two more kittens at $10 a pop, but I had to decline.

The apartment was dim and kind of crap-hoardery and smelled strongly of old cigarette smoke. I put Tater in a box and handed the dude a wad of cash and fled. I was so eager to get out of there that I forgot to ask the man how old the kittens were. I'll let the vet tell me tomorrow. When we got to the car, Tater started crying. Then I started crying, thinking about how he'd never see his mom and siblings again (damn, almost crying again typing this). I took him out of the box and wrapped him up tight inside the fleece-lined PJ pants I'd lined the box with, then nestled him into my lap. We both cried all the way home.

I set him up in the bathroom at first, blocked off from my other cat till he gets shots and she gets her booster. He didn't seem to know how to eat wet food but I showed him. I saw fleas on him so I gave him a dish soap bath then dried him off. He was a good kitten and peed in the litterbox once already. He wouldn't stop mewing at bedtime till I moved his stuff into the bedroom and slept with him tucked under my arm. He stayed like that all night.

I love him so much already, beyond words.
 
Awwww what a sweetheart - he's gorgeous!

And I almost started crying reading about you and Tater crying (damn hormones!)
 
Congrats on the baby Tatercat!

For what it's worth, he likely would have cried about riding in the car anyways, just because. My boy is 5 years old now, and still cries his head off during car rides. Such complaining. So turrible. Oddly it seems to calm him somewhat if I talk to him.

Tater won't miss his old life one bit, once he gets settled into his new one. :)
 
Thanks, guys! I can't wait to get home to him!

In non-kitten subject matter, I have been having the strangest nostalgia and melancholy lately for how my friendship with Oona used to be. I was feeling this way before our hike last weekend, and I thought our hike would make it better, but instead it has made it more intense.

See, I met her when I was recently 18 and she was recently 22. We ran in a friend circle together but didn't become close till about a year later, but then we were instantly inseparable. So we've known each other now for almost 18 years—half my lifetime!

We moved in together as roommates a few months after becoming besties. And then we got boyfriends who were (terrible people and) also besties who were roommates. Those guys moved in with us because we had the cooler apartment and we were all hanging out all the time anyway. Eventually, we moved out and split off into couples, but we stayed super close, and when she and her dude split, and she needed a roommate again, we moved in with her again. My (terrible) boyfriend was always out gallivanting, and when she got a new boyfriend, I hung out with the her and him a lot. This until I moved away to finish college on another coast.

Those early years were marked by a closeness that I can't quite describe. We'd party together, yes—hour upon hour of psychedelic-fueled conversations, or killing our hangovers by laying out in the sun on the beach, or weaving through the alleyways of our beachside neighborhood high as kites, or clutching each other's hands in crowded club bathrooms. But partying wasn't all there was to it.

We'd also stay up all night playing Scrabble, or go on nature hikes that included illicit skinny-dipping, or order greasy delivery food and binge on old movies. We'd go to the makeup store and let the staff give us terrible makeovers and laugh our asses off about it. We'd cook for each other and listen to each other's bad poetry and have impromptu dance parties in our living room on a weeknight.

When there were guys we were dating present, the guys always took a backseat to our friendship. We did what we wanted and they dealt with it. Everyone knew that Oona was the one in charge and that she put me first. People we weren't dating used to complain that she and I spoke our own language and finished each other's sentences so often that they couldn't make out half of what we were talking about, and we didn't even realize we were doing it most of the time. Rude, perhaps, but we didn't know better that young.

When I moved away in 2003, and then we both kept moving, we made a point to talk on the phone once almost every week. We'd talk sometimes for four hours, delving into the depths and the minutiae of everything happening in our lives. We'd trade visits back and forth—one year I'd come to see her, the next, she'd come to see me. This went on for six years.

Eventually we both lived in the same city again for a few months, and she stayed with me while she got her bearings. But she didn't like it there and left. She moved only a couple of hours away, though, and we'd visit each other more frequently. She was single during this time, and though I was partnered, my partners were never very engaged socially. She and I would go bar hopping, or park exploring, or go to museums. Brunches. Once even a short foreign vacation! And it was always just us. If my partner was around, he hung back and let us do our thing. And then I moved again and we resumed the phone calls and once a year visits.

But now, we live in the same city again—finally!—probably for good this time. And, like, we barely see each other. Because we're so close in distance, we don't talk on the phone like we used to. But we're not quite close enough to make a weeknight visit feasible with how bad the traffic is here during rush hour. We see each other on weekends. Not every weekend, but usually a couple times a month. But things are mostly different.

Now that she has Toby, he's always there. She brings him to almost everything. Not that I don't like him—I do—but he doesn't hang back like the dudes in our pasts. He's conversationally aggressive and we don't have a lot in common so when he ends up on a topic, I am sometimes without contribution. So I bring Rider, and then it turns into a double date. Which is fine. But it's not the same.

Rider is more than willing to let me go do "girl time." And I think Toby would be too, honestly. But Oona almost always wants him involved. She doesn't want to go to parties unless he's willing to come and drive her. She doesn't want to waste a weekend night elsewhere when she could be spending time with him too. I miss our girl time. I miss how our friendship used to run the show and everyone else used to take a backseat to it. I honestly had believed that it would be that way again. But even though she and Toby are often not getting along, it's like HE is her best friend now. And Rider is mine.

I never thought we'd get to that point of adulthood that everyone seems to reach where suddenly their own family (even if it's just a partner they live with) outshines their friendships. I thought she and I had made it long enough that we were immune. I thought it'd be takeout and bad movies and girl talk forever. But maybe I was wrong.

I sort of talked to her about it the other day and she said something about having been single for so long that now that she has a man around she wants him around all the time. I dunno. That seems weird to me. But then, I've never been single for that long, so I wouldn't know.

Not sure why I felt like spewing this all out here today. Maybe just because I'm seeing her tomorrow (double date to the movies) so she is on my mind. Felt like writing it all somewhere and here seemed as good a place as any...
 
How long has she been with Toby?

Maybe she is still just in NRE-town, if it's been under 2 years...

I know that I have neglected friendships in my intense need to spend all kinds of time with Zen. But it is just plain hard to do otherwise. And as much of my free time as he gets, I often still don't feel like it's quite enough.

In a way, maybe the advice for someone trying to give the right kind of love and attention to a friend who needs it, while involved with NRE, is the same advice we might read here in any number of threads, when a person is neglecting their existing partner(s) because of NRE with someone new, or new-ish. Only the sad fact is, friendships often do just mellow out or fade during these times. The best friendships however, can pick up again on the other side, pretty much right where they left off.
 
How long has she been with Toby?

Maybe she is still just in NRE-town, if it's been under 2 years...

I know that I have neglected friendships in my intense need to spend all kinds of time with Zen. But it is just plain hard to do otherwise. And as much of my free time as he gets, I often still don't feel like it's quite enough.

In a way, maybe the advice for someone trying to give the right kind of love and attention to a friend who needs it, while involved with NRE, is the same advice we might read here in any number of threads, when a person is neglecting their existing partner(s) because of NRE with someone new, or new-ish. Only the sad fact is, friendships often do just mellow out or fade during these times. The best friendships however, can pick up again on the other side, pretty much right where they left off.

Well, they've been together now for almost three years, AND Oona has always remarked that she doesn't really get NRE for people. Before we even had a term for it, she would talk about how I always go completely ass over teakettle for people at the beginning, but she has only once been in a relationship (when she was quite young) where she felt herself falling deeply in love in a heady and unstoppable fashion early on. She's much more of a restrained person in that regard. So I dunno. Seems like it probably isn't NRE, especially since she has very un-NRE been sick of his shit for a while. :cool:
 
It was a very full weekend! Friday night, while Rider was out at a performance hanging with some of the fanclub peeps, I got a TON done around the apartment. I got the new spice rack up in the kitchen, which enabled me to FINALLY get that room totally organized and finished.

I hung my new jewelry rack in the bedroom, cut and placed the privacy film on the bedroom window, and hung the curtain rod and privacy curtains. So the bedroom is now thisclose to being done. All I have left to do is run the extension cord to the TV and hook the speakers up to it, but I'm waiting on the cord cover to arrive from Amazon.

There was one kind of a funny thing related to the move and the TV. While we were packing to leave our old place, I pondered aloud about selling the bedroom TV since "we literally never use it." It was my TV from before Rider and I moved in together and is still in perfect condition—I'm not that much of a TV person and will barely ever watch something without someone else. But when I said that, Rider looked at me sheepishly and admitted that sometimes he uses it to look at porn after I fall asleep. I had no idea, LOL! That gives you some idea of how deep of a sleeper I am! We had a good laugh about that, and I said I'd order the proper wiring to get it hooked up in the new bedroom. :p

Anyway, TV aside, the bedroom is now in much better condition. The privacy film I got is like . . . translucent geometric iridescent rainbow? . . . it's hard to describe but gorgeous. I might as well just link it since words fail me. So now we can have sex in daylight even though we live in a first-floor apartment in the city (which we took advantage of yesterday morning). Bonus is that it casts all these psychedelic rainbow designs on the ceiling. I love it! And we've all been sleeping better now that the blackout curtains are up, Tater included.

Speaking of Tater, he is so freaking cute! He will only sleep at night tucked under my right arm. I took him and my other cat, Mash, to the low-cost vaccine clinic on Saturday morning. Man, that place is hell on earth. I tried to get there right when it opened, since it was first-come, first-served, but Rider insisted on making me coffee before I left (delaying my leaving), and then once I had the yelling, complaining cats in the car and was on the road, there was an accident on the freeway and then a construction detour.

I ended up getting there 45 minutes after opening, meaning the place was already PACKED, mostly with barking dogs that further terrified my poor babies. There was a small indoor room and courtyard, with the wall of the courtyard lined with dogs. A spot opened up indoors just as I turned my paperwork in, so I sat down inside. Most of the large-dog owners were considerate and kept their dogs outside, but there was the owner of a huge, whining husky and a particularly moronic owner of a very anxious pit bull who did not think about the chaos their dogs were causing to the smaller pets in the room.

The pit bull owner had stationed himself very unwisely right next to the door, and his dog barked and lunged (with curiosity, not aggression, but still) at every passing animal. The pit bull's barking got the husky started howling, and the husky's howling made one lady's baby start crying, and my cats were crying pretty much the whole time, and I started crying a little because they were crying, and it was just a terrible scene. Eventually the dog and baby owners caught a clue and went outside. My cats stopped crying, and all the other cats and small dogs were visibly relieved. All in all, though, the ordeal took three hours. I was a frazzled wreck by the end.

Tater tested negative for anything bad, and he got his first round of shots and his deworming. They estimated him to be about 8 weeks old, which is also what I estimated. He'll have to come back for two more rounds of shots this year, and also for his microchip since he was too small this time. Mash got her booster shot. So they were cleared for face-to-face interaction, which is helpful because Tater would cry and cry if I left him on the other side of a closed door. Now he toddles around the house, and Mash watches him, skeptically, only hissing if he gets too close. This morning Tater pounced on her tail, which did not go over well.

I do still keep Tater confined to the bedroom when no one is home. He's so small that I don't trust him to reliably find the litterbox on his own. When I'm supervising him, I occasionally just take him in there and drop him in. If he has to go, he goes. If he doesn't, he climbs back out and resumes toddling.

Anyway, after animal-vaccination hell, I still had an errand to run. I needed to go to the post office and mail Kelly a little present I got her. Then Rider helped me clean up a bit before Oona and Toby were due to show up.

It was nice having them over—their first time seeing the new place and meeting Tater. We went to the movie not long after they arrived. I had a good time, though I ate WAY too many snacks. So much for weight loss attempts! :p Afterward, we hung out at ours for a bit longer playing with the kitten, until Toby got sleepy and they had to leave.

Sunday morning, Rider and I slept in quite a bit, which was glorious. We had really hot daylight sex, then went to breakfast. I had an afternoon date scheduled with Cherry, so it was good to get some Rider time in before that.

Cherry actually picked me up, so she was able to come in and meet Rider and the kitten. Both went well. We went to an art museum and then walking around a garden. She shares my love of plants, so it was fun talking about the ones we recognized. We get along really well, and I am still quite attracted to her. Afterward, we went to a Mexican restaurant and split a HUGE plate of nachos.

I offered for her to come back to my place and hang out a bit, play with the cat some more, if she'd like to, and she was interested. She ended up staying till 10:30, just chatting and cooing over animals. She and Rider got along very well. When he went out of the room at one point to use the bathroom, she and I did a bit of kissing, which was fun. I'm definitely going to keep seeing her.

I guess now is as good a time as any to talk about her a bit. Let's see . . . she's a decent bit younger than me (28), smart, pretty, and has a ton of really interesting hobbies. She's currently finishing up her Master's and is seriously considering ditching out of grad school after that instead of finishing the PhD, just like I did, because she is burned out on school and doesn't particularly enjoy teaching. She's done a lot of traveling in association with her education, to places I'd never considered going—so that's really cool, hearing her stories about those places. She grew up in a state neighboring the state where I grew up, about 150 miles from me, but in a very rural area.

We have a ton in common in terms of interests, and I think we think alike to a certain degree. More than once yesterday, given the same stimulus, we said the same thing at the same time. It was pretty funny. She's been poly pretty much since she was 20 or 21, but she's currently single, to my knowledge. She's cool with the fact that I'm not looking for any serious relationships, though, because she said she's too busy for that, herself. She's mostly just looking for friends with benefits too. We had a whole conversation about that, where she said she thought my situation with Rider seemed cool—he and I both have a ton going on in our lives and just don't really have the space for handling more at the moment, but we're both free to explore to a certain degree. She did not seem to mind at all that whatever I found with her would be necessarily kind of a casual, occasional thing.

After hanging out at my place for a couple hours, Rider heartily approved of her, saying that she's "really cool." She liked him as well, saying that he seems like a sweet, chill, and emotionally open person, which he totally is. So yay for them getting along! I am stoked to see where things go with her. She's invited me to an event in a couple weeks that is being put on by a friend of hers—should be fun!

(continued . . .)
 
(. . . continued from previous)

The rest of this week is going to be rather nuts. Tonight Rider and I are going to a baseball game with Constance—my first in a great many years. Then tomorrow I have to travel to a neighboring city for a conference for two nights and most of an additional day. Then as soon as I get back from that, it's band practice because we have a show Friday night. I think we're gonna do the show acoustic, which is new for us, with our drummer on hand drums. Should be interesting! It'll be a short set, only 3 or 4 songs, as part of a farewell show for a rather legendary coffee shop that is closing due to gentrification.

I was considering possibly going to a poly event on Saturday, but I don't really know. I have been hoping to make more poly friends so that I continue to immerse myself in the culture and ideas in the absence of being able to commit to full poly myself at this time. I've been a member of the Facebook group for over a year, but haven't been able to make it to any of the events yet. This is literally the first one that is happening on a day I don't have something else planned. Tempting . . . but so is a day at home with the pets!

Another new thing that I am doing this week is I joined a CSA! I'm picking my first box up on Sunday at the local farmer's market. With a better kitchen now, and an aim to eat better, it seemed like a good idea—and the box is so cheap. I was telling Cherry about it and she said to let me know how it is. She's also pescetarian and eats a ton of veggies, but she'd never heard of CSAs. She was enthralled.

I've been maintaining a very sporadic text friendship with Jasper. Mostly cat pics since he's also a cat person. I'm not gonna lie, I do miss him some. I even miss being physical with him, even though I know it's a bad idea. It's a little surprising to me because usually the distance makes the desire fade, but that's not exactly what's happening in this case. I mean, it has faded somewhat, but it's not totally gone like I expected it to be. That makes me a tiny bit curious as to whether, if I wanted to, I *could* actually maintain a sporadic sexual connection to him. But in the end, the thing that bothered me the most was how the distance made my heart hurt if we were having sex, so the answer to whether or not I want to is still no.

Unrelated, in the general gossip column, I think I spoke too soon a few weeks ago about things going well with Beckett and his boyfriend. I have literally no idea what happened because neither of us have had time to talk in-depth, but Beckett now has a girlfriend instead. The little I know of the situation just from watching Facebook unfold in real time seems to suggest that this girl was engaged to Beckett's friend and they were all hanging out as a group just a couple weeks ago, and now suddenly they are "Facebook official" dating (which status the boyfriend never got) so . . . I'm just gonna be Kermit the frog sipping my tea over here till he decides to spill the beans to me eventually. Beckett—forever surrounded by drama and people with poor grammar.

Oh, and another piece of (this time funny) gossip: Oona just told me that Mel is gonna be a stunt cock in a TV show soon! Toby's boss was looking for someone who fit a particular, uh, description, and Mel is enough of a nudist that over the course of our 18-year friendship, Oona and I have seen him naked a ton of times. He fit the description! Shit is HILARIOUS! :D
 
Theme of tonight while at conference: missing people and things.

I miss Rider and the aminals at home. I especially miss sex with Rider because I was sick and then bleeding and then he was sick and now I'm gone, so we've had PIV so rarely the past two weeks. And I miss cuddles with my older kitty, Mash, since she has been standoffish since Tater arrived. And I miss Tater with his tiny kitten face.

I miss Jasper even though I shouldn't, because I had a really intense dream about him during my post-work nap this afternoon. And then we texted a bit. I am not really surprised that getting over him is a gradual process, but I am sometimes surprised at how acute it feels.

I've been missing people from before the move hardcore today too.

I miss Sam really hard. When I think back on my own most stable-seeming poly situation, it's when Rider and Sam and I were all hanging out together. Even though it fell apart after we moved. And even though Sam always felt kind of weird about it. There was a part of him that surfaced that was cool with it—the part when Rider was around and visibly not being perturbed. Rider was only ever perturbed when Sam was acting weird about it, so Rider's steadying presence mellowed Sam out too.

I've been missing Beckett. His Instagram photos from an adventure he's been having with the new girlfriend make me feel a little jealous and a lot envious. He never posted that kind of stuff with his recent boyfriend, so I had less to envy. I wonder if they were kinda closeted the whole time. I should NOT miss Beckett because it's dumb, but sometimes I still do.

I've been missing Allie, even though the last time I saw her I was not all that attracted to her. I miss her personality, and I even miss being attracted to her. Maybe last time was a fluke and my sexual feelings for her will return next time. I can still imagine the smell of her shampoo so clearly.

I've been missing Jake and kinda wishing that our last visit hadn't gone so oddly. I didn't write much about that here because it fell during my blogging hiatus, but the long and short of it is that we got drunk and he initiated walking right up to the line with me physically (doing stuff he definitely wasn't supposed to be doing, which I didn't realize) and then stopping at the last possible moment before a Big Thing happened. And afterward I expressed confusion and he clarified with me that it had been a mistake and he's very mono-committed to his gf right now. We've never discussed how much he confessed to her, but they live together now and I'm a bit concerned that she won't want me in the house if she does know.

I've also, oddly, been missing my hometown in the summer really, really hard this year. For the past several years (excepting last year), I'd been on the same coast and so been able to take a cheap flight up in the summer and do my favorite summer hometown things. I miss the hot weather and the food and the lazy days on my mom's couch with the fan running. I miss the nature and the city and the smell of the water nearby—a different smell than the ocean smell here. I miss the crazy-long days this time of year. I miss the fireflies and the amphitheater and the memories of my late father that the entire environment evokes.

I'm usually a very forward-focused (to the point of anxiety, even) person, but for some reason the past day or two I've been gazing into the past and missing and assessing. Hopefully the mood passes. No sense dwelling on what I can't currently have.
 
Last week was a busy week. The conference was pretty uneventful other than being away from home and not having wifi in the meeting areas so I basically did not get any work done at all—work work or house work or anything—other than conference tasks for most of the week.

Thursday was an especially long day for me. I started at the conference at 7:30 am, worked there till 3:30, packed everything up and drove home around 4:45, and finally made it home a bit after 6:00. I did have time for a short nap after reconnecting with the pets and before band practice, but I was still exhausted. Practice was 9:00 to 11:00. So yeah, long day. And I didn't even get to sleep next to Rider at the end of it because he was feeling sick and wanted to sleep on the couch.

Friday morning started off TERRIBLE. The kitten had decided that, since Rider was not in his spot in the bed, that would be a good place to sleep, himself. Except he slept through the urge to pee and wet the bed. Thankfully we have a mattress protector on, but I had to spend valuable morning minutes stripping the bed and spraying enzyme cleaner all over everything.

Then on my drive to work, I was almost there—could SEE my work building across the street—when I got into a fender bender. I was technically at fault, but it was an odd situation. Basically both the car in front of me and I were turning on a little street with one of those curved turn lanes with a triangle from the straight lane, and he was ahead of me, and he went, so I turned my head to make sure nothing was coming from the left. There was a car but it was a ways off, so I started to go. Come to find out as I was turning my head to look ahead again, he’d decided after a couple feet to not actually go, being nervous about the distance and speed of the coming car. I noticed he was still there before I actually got any speed up, but I couldn’t stop short in time so I tapped him.

There was the tiniest ding in his bumper, and nothing happened to our car at all though the license plate was bent in a little, since we were barely going at all, much less fast. I apologized and said I thought he was going to go, and he said he thought so too but changed his mind at the last second because he thought the car might be coming fast. From my perspective, there was plenty of time for both cars to go, so not sure what he was seeing, but it was annoying.

I felt a little dumb, but I also feel like . . . 99.99999999% percent of the time, when you see the car in front of you has gone and the way is clear, it’s safe to just GO without having to check again to make sure they’re a ways down the road. I feel like he tricked me!

The damage to his bumper was literally the size of a Pez, and he had an older (2005), non-fancy car that already had dings in it. If it were me, I would have just let it go. But some of the old damage was to that same bumper but on the other side, which he said he did himself. He went ahead with filing a claim, probably because he wants to get a new bumper out of it. Hopefully since the damage I caused was TINY, my insurance won't ding me too hard for it. But we'll see. I think there's a dollar limit to the non-rate-inflating claims, and if he's angling for a whole new bumper instead of just a sand-and-fill for that little spot, it'll almost certainly go over. :(

Then after work, I was at the laundromat washing the bedding in one of those giant washers, and my contact just popped out of my eye. By itself. Like, I wasn't even touching it! And of course a laundromat is one of the grossest places to be touching your eye, so I just walked around with only one in till I got home. Luckily it's less than a block away.

Things did eventually turn around though. My band's show was pretty good, despite some initial technical difficulties and a much-delayed start. The turnout was great. Mel and Tina came out, which is a rarity these days. Cherry showed up as well. And Mya, from these boards, happened to be in town from overseas so I got to meet her in person. There was an afterparty at a friend's place where Perry used to live, and Cherry, Mya, and I had a good time talking.

The rest of the weekend, I made up for the crazy busyness by getting stuff done around the house but otherwise being pretty lazy. Saturday, Rider and I stayed in bed till nearly 1:00, then got brunch and went to see Wonder Woman. Then we ordered delivery for dinner and napped on and off, just lazing about and watching TV all evening.

Yesterday, I finally got the living area bunny-proofed and got some errands run, including grocery shopping according to a meal plan—the idea being that I'm going to get back into the habit of cooking healthy stuff most nights so that we eat out less and I can lose some weight.

Rider has actually been continually losing weight since we moved last year. When I met him, he weighed over 200 lbs., which is not terrible for someone who is between 6'3"-6'4", but he is not at all muscular, so he was mostly skinny arms and legs with a chubby face and a big, soft middle. These days he's probably closer to 175, with a lot more definition in his face and considerably less of a belly. A couple months after we moved here, he was losing weight quickly from taking public transit to work and from becoming pescetarian, so we bought him a few pairs of new, smaller jeans. Well, now THOSE jeans are too big too! It's almost time to take him shopping again.

Now if only I can follow suit! I've done the opposite! Though to be fair to me, his eating and movement habits used to be absolutely horrific, while mine were usually quite good. And it's never too tough for me to get back on the health-wagon when I fall off. Now that the wedding, new apartment, and kitten adoption are over with, my life can get back to normal—and normal means a decent amount of exercise and healthy cooking. :)
 
Oh, I forgot to mention . . . there was a guy at the show/party that I sort of got a little crush on, which is rare. It was one of those situations where he didn't catch my attention right at first—I didn't think he was much to look at—but he kept talking to me and was nice and interesting and after a while I started to feel an interest kindling.

I think it helped that he kept touching base with me and reminding me of each other's names. Like, he'd say my name as if to remind himself, and then I'd say his, and that made me actually remember him. I'd told him early in our first conversation that I always forget people's names, and it was sweet that he remembered that and made a point to help me remember. No one does that! I literally don't think anyone else ever has, in my past experience! I felt like it was a way of him demonstrating that he'd heard my admission of weakness and was willing to help me compensate for it in a way that benefited us both.

It turns out that he is one of the other musicians who played that night, though I couldn't see well during his band's set so I didn't catch on to that right at first. It seems he's friends with Perry and a bunch of friendly acquaintances I have in that friends group. We exchanged contact info, and he invited Rider and me out to a show last night that we could not go to because it started too late. But the invite was nice.

Likely this will not turn into anything, as he is also very busy, and I am not sure how experienced he is with any kind of non-monogamy, but it seemed worth a mention that I actually sparked with a guy for the first time this year. :p
 
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