Well, thinking about that last post, in all fairness, those little games of fiddly manipulative mind-chess against guys who bring an air of superiority are largely a thing of my past. At this time in my life, I am keenly aware of the value of my time. How I spend it and who I share it with and what the energy is in connections. When one has wasted so many hours of one's life with someone as negative as my ex husband, one learns to ask, "Is this really worth it?" So for instance in terms of Zen's friend "Tantrum Man" I feel like any ongoing attempt at the friendship he thinks we MUST have, is going to be an exercise in playing games and both of us having a need to prove something or get the social upper hand, with Zen stuck in the middle. I saw where this had the potential to go, and decided "Nope." Not only is it not worth me investing my time and energy, it is also too much potential to put Zen in uncomfortable positions between us, and I just don't want to go there.
Zen says that the dude has moved up to Denver, rather recently and suddenly, anyhow. So there will likely be fewer impromptu demands for last minute lunches and dinners. And I stand by something I told Zen before, that after we live together, if his friend wants to visit occasionally, I am more than capable of "Hello! Goodbye!" and either vanishing myself off to my room to read or work on art, or going out to do something social on my own. I always have a lot of potential things to do in life, so it is no sweat for me to avoid the dude even if he is visiting our house. I am by no means aiming to hinder their ongoing friendship, I do respect that they've been in one another's lives a really long time, and I won't feel put out or uncomfortable about him being there, so long as he doesn't try to corner me into more interaction than I want to have with him.
That's really the only problem remaining. He still (according to the last conversation he had with Zen) seems to think we just need to get together face to face and iron things out somehow. I see that as his desire to get me in a position to hear him man-splain to me how I need to act to make him happy, and remind me of how many more years he has known Zen than I have as though that gives him any right to dictate anything where I am concerned. Now that, I ain't having. But hey, we'll see. Speculation like this is putting the cart way, way before the horse, and the horse hasn't even shown up yet.
So Zen and I went to First Friday's Jam Night on Friday. That was pretty mellow, but just as we were about to leave, we got pulled into a small group of people and it wound up being one of those late night laugh fests of repeating and creating inside jokes and rolling in silly. I laughed hard enough that I cried, which is fun to do sometimes. We talked at one point about people in movies, and I repeated something I often say, which is that I enjoy when an actor or actress plays the role of the Devil in film, I usually find that very sexy. Which I'm sure is part of the point. Tim Curry, Al Pacino, Elizabeth Hurley...anyone who brings that naughty, cocky, powerful presence the role requires. It's yummy. And one friend, an intense little former derby girl, said "I GET IT NOW, THAT'S WHAT YOU SEE IN <ZEN>!" Well true, since I suggested he grow a bit of facial hair he's got the devilish good looks going on. But of course my love of Zen is a complex thing. I don't think I've ever loved anyone merely on the basis of their looks.
In fact I get in a lot of conversations in the Relationships section of another forum, or I have over the years, where I am just baffled by the ongoing obsession with "attractiveness" and looks as The Most Important Thing. I have been repelled by "pretty" people before. The ones I've been most attached to have typically not been the most conventionally "attractive" of my available options...but rather the ones with the best energy for me, the most comfortable conversations, the most interesting stories and tastes, the most soul in their eyes. They say that if someone is not good looking, you'll not approach them to get to know them anyways. I guess if you're just cold-meeting somebody at a bar, that might be true. But for me, I will talk to pretty much anybody. I do not size up the available humans in the room and try to score the prettiest. That seems a rather silly way to go about things...I mean, maybe they aren't even nice? Anyways I have found that regardless of how someone would compete on some arbitrary looks-only scale of whatever...once I see inside them, if they align well with me intellectually, emotionally, sexually...in my eyes they're the most beautiful person in the world. And that's how I feel about Zen.
Besides. He has excellent taste in cheese, and my cat likes him.
I skipped a party on Saturday, which later I heard was a rockin' good time, but I don't feel bad about it. And I skipped the Pride parade, which I do feel kind of bad about. But I woke up yesterday and the idea of spending the day out on my feet in the sun... I was like, "man I do not even have the spoons for this" and went back to sleep. I just didn't have the energy, and I remember how even though it was a lot of fun last year, it was seriously exhausting. I stayed home and got some housework and errands taken care of. For me, I guess making sure I am giving energy to my home life when I feel like I need to is part of the elusive sense of balance I'm trying to cultivate. If that means I am not a VIP of the Voodoo Community and all involved up to my eyeballs in all the things...so be it. I just don't always have it in me to show up and participate. I am not 100% extrovert, 100% of the time.
Oh, and Ravenscroft, no need to "move it along" I welcome your contributions here. I might not always agree with you, but you get me thinking sometimes even when I don't, which is no bad thing at all.
