stoppedclock
New member
Hi everyone,
I am 35, living in NYC. I am successful in my career (VP of Marketing), write published short fiction and have a good social life. However, I come from a very conservative background, having been raised in a Fundamentalist cult and homeschooled for a number of years. My parents have relaxed in later years, but their focus on monogamous marriage and isolation definitely impacted me. I've been married twice, the second marriage ending early this year.
I am now dating someone who I used to work with. From the start, we have both questioned traditional marriage and other arrangements, him because he believes that a lifetime commitment would be dishonest for him and me because I question the assumptions and have seen my own two attempts fail (in both cases, I ended the marriage). In both relationships I have had, my inability to be free as an individual and sexually (and the other person's deep sexual inauthenticity) made me embrace the opposite: being super possessive and clingy. My own lack of freedom made me dogmatic. I realize this is not the person I am, or want to be. He has also had relationships, none more than a year long, and in them, felt he never had the balance of freedom and intimacy he wants. Also, in my first marriage, we were open for the last year, but it was a bit of a Hail Mary. He had said he was bi, but turned out he actually identified as gay, so playing with others and together was a way of trying to come to terms with that. (It also allowed me to sexually experiment in a way I never had due to religious guilt.)
At the start, we were more "don't ask, don't tell" about our encounters with others, but soon discovered that he enjoyed knowing about what else I was doing. I am an exhibitionist in many ways and he is definitely a voyuer, so we started experimenting with filming, FaceTiming while I was with others, and then eventually, some threesomes. He definitely is aroused by this behavior, and it has been very freeing to explore together in this way.
However, also from the start, he has not been as open with me. He definitely talks about attraction to other women (which I have been learning how to handle, and even have started enjoying doing with him) and past experiences, but he hasn't been as forthcoming about what else he is actually doing, but certainly I know that he also been engaging with other women. Once or twice, he has told me that he is going to sleep with someone else before it happened, and he also sent me a video of him having sex with someone else. I was definitely jealous when I saw it (and jealous when I think about him with others), but I wanted to embrace those feelings, as I know my background and family values taught me to shut out the value, worth and attractiveness of others who might be "threats."
The last month or so, things have changed quite a bit. We have spent more time together having intimate conversations, going to the movies, writing together (working on a web series idea), having more sleepovers, introducing each other to friends. In short, we have become more romantic and engaged on a more "monogamous" feeling level. As this has happened, we have been doing less with others (I haven't slept with anyone else in 5-6 weeks). It was almost as if the more out there we were with our shared sexual experiences, the more "vanilla" we felt like being. We also started talking about things like whether I want to have kids, or how he would parent.
During the last two weeks, I have found myself itching for some sort of definition.
About a week ago, I talked to my therapist about this, and she suggested some ideas for having a conversation with him (she is in an open marriage). She suggested telling him about how I was feeling and what I wanted. She recommended remaining neutral and giving him the chance to define things for himself (using questions like "does that feel good to you?" or "does that feel too restrictive"?).
We ended up having the conversation briefly in person and then over text (not ideal, I know). I told him that I didn't feel like forcing having sex with others and was feeling like only having sexual experiences if he was involved in some way (watching the video, knowing beforehand, being in the same room, etc.). He said that felt good to him and that he liked the idea of knowing beforehand and being involved.
Then, though, he didn't say anything about himself. I said "When you have time, and feel comfortable, I would like to know what you want and how are you feeling. I would like a chance to process and figure it out as well." He got a little defensive and said the conversation felt rushed.
We have seen each other twice since then. The first was really intimate and joyful. The second a little tense. (Probably best not to read too much into this given normal relationship dynamics. Also was the second night in a row and I think we both need space.)
I am left with so many mixed feelings and questions. I really care about him, but I feel less clingy than in the past. I have attractions to others, but only a deep desire to have sex with him. I want him to commit on some level, but I want it to be real. I have pangs of desire for full exclusivity, but I also mistrust them.
How do I process all these emotions and feelings? Also, how can I continue the conversation about what we both want? Should I let it be fluid for now until he feels comfortable opening up, or should I try to broach it again? If I leave it alone for now, how do I know if we have crossed a point where it is unfair for only me to have defined things?
I deeply, truly want this to work. I believe this is my next challenge in life: to unite my deep emotions for a person and the freedom of sharing him with others/the world. I'm lost though. Thank you in advance for your guidance and feedback.
I am 35, living in NYC. I am successful in my career (VP of Marketing), write published short fiction and have a good social life. However, I come from a very conservative background, having been raised in a Fundamentalist cult and homeschooled for a number of years. My parents have relaxed in later years, but their focus on monogamous marriage and isolation definitely impacted me. I've been married twice, the second marriage ending early this year.
I am now dating someone who I used to work with. From the start, we have both questioned traditional marriage and other arrangements, him because he believes that a lifetime commitment would be dishonest for him and me because I question the assumptions and have seen my own two attempts fail (in both cases, I ended the marriage). In both relationships I have had, my inability to be free as an individual and sexually (and the other person's deep sexual inauthenticity) made me embrace the opposite: being super possessive and clingy. My own lack of freedom made me dogmatic. I realize this is not the person I am, or want to be. He has also had relationships, none more than a year long, and in them, felt he never had the balance of freedom and intimacy he wants. Also, in my first marriage, we were open for the last year, but it was a bit of a Hail Mary. He had said he was bi, but turned out he actually identified as gay, so playing with others and together was a way of trying to come to terms with that. (It also allowed me to sexually experiment in a way I never had due to religious guilt.)
At the start, we were more "don't ask, don't tell" about our encounters with others, but soon discovered that he enjoyed knowing about what else I was doing. I am an exhibitionist in many ways and he is definitely a voyuer, so we started experimenting with filming, FaceTiming while I was with others, and then eventually, some threesomes. He definitely is aroused by this behavior, and it has been very freeing to explore together in this way.
However, also from the start, he has not been as open with me. He definitely talks about attraction to other women (which I have been learning how to handle, and even have started enjoying doing with him) and past experiences, but he hasn't been as forthcoming about what else he is actually doing, but certainly I know that he also been engaging with other women. Once or twice, he has told me that he is going to sleep with someone else before it happened, and he also sent me a video of him having sex with someone else. I was definitely jealous when I saw it (and jealous when I think about him with others), but I wanted to embrace those feelings, as I know my background and family values taught me to shut out the value, worth and attractiveness of others who might be "threats."
The last month or so, things have changed quite a bit. We have spent more time together having intimate conversations, going to the movies, writing together (working on a web series idea), having more sleepovers, introducing each other to friends. In short, we have become more romantic and engaged on a more "monogamous" feeling level. As this has happened, we have been doing less with others (I haven't slept with anyone else in 5-6 weeks). It was almost as if the more out there we were with our shared sexual experiences, the more "vanilla" we felt like being. We also started talking about things like whether I want to have kids, or how he would parent.
During the last two weeks, I have found myself itching for some sort of definition.
About a week ago, I talked to my therapist about this, and she suggested some ideas for having a conversation with him (she is in an open marriage). She suggested telling him about how I was feeling and what I wanted. She recommended remaining neutral and giving him the chance to define things for himself (using questions like "does that feel good to you?" or "does that feel too restrictive"?).
We ended up having the conversation briefly in person and then over text (not ideal, I know). I told him that I didn't feel like forcing having sex with others and was feeling like only having sexual experiences if he was involved in some way (watching the video, knowing beforehand, being in the same room, etc.). He said that felt good to him and that he liked the idea of knowing beforehand and being involved.
Then, though, he didn't say anything about himself. I said "When you have time, and feel comfortable, I would like to know what you want and how are you feeling. I would like a chance to process and figure it out as well." He got a little defensive and said the conversation felt rushed.
We have seen each other twice since then. The first was really intimate and joyful. The second a little tense. (Probably best not to read too much into this given normal relationship dynamics. Also was the second night in a row and I think we both need space.)
I am left with so many mixed feelings and questions. I really care about him, but I feel less clingy than in the past. I have attractions to others, but only a deep desire to have sex with him. I want him to commit on some level, but I want it to be real. I have pangs of desire for full exclusivity, but I also mistrust them.
How do I process all these emotions and feelings? Also, how can I continue the conversation about what we both want? Should I let it be fluid for now until he feels comfortable opening up, or should I try to broach it again? If I leave it alone for now, how do I know if we have crossed a point where it is unfair for only me to have defined things?
I deeply, truly want this to work. I believe this is my next challenge in life: to unite my deep emotions for a person and the freedom of sharing him with others/the world. I'm lost though. Thank you in advance for your guidance and feedback.
