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Polyglamorous

Polyglamorous

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How many folks here had a preconceived idea of a relationship model that you wanted before trying?

How many people are in that style of relationship?

Is there any people who are still with the original people they transitioned with?

How many people just kinda of stumbled into polyamory?

Is this like learning to date all over again? Like don't expect the first one to stay around, and if you think they will you're silly, kind of thing?
 
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Monogamy was my preconceived relationship model, I am no longer in that style of relationship.

I stumbled into polyamory by falling in love with a second person but to be fair, at that point I had already decided I wasn't willing to be closed off to other love.

The "first one" (meaning the first time I was in two polyamorous relationships) and I are celebrating 10 years this weekend.
 
I can totally see that. I suppose at first monogamy and marriage were my preconceived relationship model. Congratulations.
 
Monogamy was my first preconceived relationship model. I suppose you meant poly model. I didn't have any preconceived notions of that.

I didn't stumble into it, though I had in the past.

Yes, it's just like dating for me because a person was not the cause of seeking poly.
 
I never learned to date. Most of my lovers have been friends who showed interest in me, so there's a little dearth of the societal "pursuit" model.

I get the impression that, for most people, "dating" means "mate-seeking" -- for me, maybe "having a fun social time with a person I find particularly interesting."
 
I started out mono, and that didn't work. Neither did swinging, nor did dating "as a couple" (triads and quads). So no, the preconceived notions didn't work, but in the upside, I'm still with the partner I was with to start with. :D (20 years next month!!)

And yes, it is learning to date all over again - or rather for the first time, if you happened to marry the first guy you seriously dated...
 
Polyglamorous said:
Is there any people who are still with the original people they transitioned with?
Click to expand...

The answer to this one is surprisingly few if you mean all 3 that started polyamory together, all coming from monogamy. There's a thread for that. If you find another, will you pop it onto that thread? Thanks.
 
Why do you assume a starting point of three people? That's a preconceived notion right there.
 
How many folks here had a preconceived idea of a relationship model that you wanted before trying?

I had an idea of how I wanted it to work in my life but I never had a soecific mold I wanted to shove people in.

How many people are in that style of relationship?

Me as a hinge between my 2 partners.

Is there any people who are still with the original people they transitioned with?

Yep been married to Butch 16 years.

How many people just kinda of stumbled into polyamory?

I did I was serial monogamous before Butch. He is the one who brought up Polyamory.

Is this like learning to date all over again? Like don't expect the first one to stay around, and if you think they will you're silly, kind of thing?

It is like anything in life some people hit the ground running when they try something new. Others have to practice.
 
These are actually super helpful questions to me right now as I'm re-evaulating so many things.

I'd been firmly working from a monogamy model, but in retrospect it's not a model I've ever puzzle piece fit into. Now I have these ideas of what a poly model might look like, I can see which models would work best (I hesitate to use the word "best") given my situation, BUT I don't intend on trying to find a partner to fit into any kind of preconceived role. I wouldn't do that to a person. I wouldn't want that does to me. I'm entertaining different ideas as exercise to be open to whatever does come my way or develop. Is it reconditioning? Normalizing? Or maybe just getting away from the mono perspective and towards one that can see all kinds ways of relating. I really like the new perspective, it suits me and what's been in my heart all along.


I have high hopes for Dean and I. I'm not sure I buy the "stats" I've seen around here saying that it doesn't happen.
Here's why I think Dean and I are a long term lasting through transition deal:
we have a solid foundation that includes a healthy amount of self-awareness, communication, respect and trust
I had a relationship with SoulSister previous to meeting Dean, so while we never talked about it much it was just always there. We were just living life, poly and not aware enough to call it that. Dean and I did talk about it more towards the end of SoulSister and my romantic relationship and he supported me through that transition. This idea of polyamory didn't come out of left field to a person who was firmly monogamous.
Dean has no possessiveness about him, is very level headed.
As Dean and I try new things we come back to one another and talk about all the parts, how we felt, what that might mean, what we need to work on, how things could go better next time.
Dean and I aren't afraid of this transition, it excites both of us, it has already added joy to our lives. The bumps we've encountered do not outweigh the positive affects.
Dean wants me to be my authentic self.
Dean and I both have real life friends who we can talk to about poly stuff. We have a support system.

How many people just kinda of stumbled into polyamory?
me, me, me! I had an un-named open relationship with SoulSister and my now husband never asked me to stop seeing her so quite naturally we kept on living. Dean left me to my relationship with SoulSister.

Is this like learning to date all over again? Like don't expect the first one to stay around, and if you think they will you're silly, kind of thing?
For me, so far, yes. Ravenscroft mentioned "dating" meaning "mate-seeking" and that's exactly what dating had been for me previously. I'm redefining what it means to date. I went out the other night with a guy who just dates because he likes to date, genuinely enjoys that getting to now you phase, the new experiences with new people phase. Dating for the sake of dating. I liked that. I bet there's lots of ways to view and do dating.
From what I've read around here it might be silly to expect the first one to stay around, but that doesn't mean don't risk it...what if it does stick? What if you do get what you want? How cool would that be? thinking back on all my relationships, most of them didn't work. I'm assuming that this will be no different. I think I'll find a lot of people to have fun with, but not so many to have what I would consider to be deeper relationship with. The biggest difference I can see with poly is that I don't have to arbitrarily choose one person over another just because there are more than one of them. I have the space to relate to anyone in the way I want to.

All that being said, I only sort of know what I'm doing here. I feel pretty confident in my people and relationship skills. Having that skill set has made the transition way easier feeling. Poly though, in action, in conscious action is still quite foreign to me although each new experience is teaching me (and Dean) loads.
 
Polyglamorous said:
How many folks here had a preconceived idea of a relationship model that you wanted before trying?


I most certainly was ONLY ever interested in monogamy and in fact had quite a set against non-monogamy. Swinging, group sex and Poly just seemed kind of sleazy to me, before. Non-monogamy/open relationships somewhat less so, but still didn't appeal to me. I can honestly say I'd rarely ever even considered such things, insofar as they might relate to ME and my life.

How many people are in that style of relationship?

After a mono marriage lasting over 20 years I am no longer in that relationship. I fell in love with someone else, effectively ending my marriage two years ago (though there were other reasons)... but "stumbled" into poly when a complicated set of factors meant I ended up falling for a second person who happened to be my male lover's former lover (female).

Is there any people who are still with the original people they transitioned with?

I am still with the two lovers mentioned above, yes, and have been for two+ and one+ years respectively.



Ravenscroft said:
I never learned to date. Most of my lovers have been friends who showed interest in me, so there's a little dearth of the societal "pursuit" model.

I get the impression that, for most people, "dating" means "mate-seeking" -- for me, maybe "having a fun social time with a person I find particularly interesting."
Click to expand...

Like you, Ravenscroft, I have never really "dated", not even when young. Almost without exception my lovers have been friends/friends of friends or work colleagues first, so I already knew them in a social sense before falling for them in a romantic sense.

I have never gone on a blind date, joined a dating website or used a matchmaking app, or actively "looked" for a mate/partner/lover.
Click to expand...
 
q1: How many folks here had a preconceived idea of a relationship model that you wanted before trying?

A1: always assumed monogamy. When my husband and I got together, we had a lot of people who knew he was queer who would say things like "how can he be only with you if he is attracted to men too? Do you have an open relationship?" We were always staunchly defensive of our marriage as monogamous and happily so.

Glasses was pretty open to the idea of me having other partners, but I wasn't comfortable with him doing the same, so we never did anything about it. When we finally decided to open things up, our assumption was that I would find a FWB relationship. Both Glasses and I were surprised that I ended up falling for someone.

Q2:How many people are in that style of relationship?

A2: there would have been 2 people in the monogamous style of relationship I had envisioned. In our current style there are 3, at least for the moment.

Q3: Is there any people who are still with the original people they transitioned with?

A3: yes. I am still with my husband and my boyfriend was the first date I'd had since getting married nearly 8 years ago. We only recently made the transition, though, so I don't suppose it is all that unusual.

Q4: How many people just kinda of stumbled into polyamory?

A4: doesn't just about everyone? It's not like there's a roadmap...I feel like everyone who does it stumbles their into it in one way or another

Q5: Is this like learning to date all over again? Like don't expect the first one to stay around, and if you think they will you're silly, kind of thing?

A5: I can't comment on that because that wasn't my experience with dating. I've never dated anyone who didn't have long-term potential and who didn't see me as having long-term potential.
 
Polyglamorous said:
How many folks here had a preconceived idea of a relationship model that you wanted before trying?

Is there any people who are still with the original people they transitioned with?
Click to expand...

I'd say I was open to the idea of multiple relationships long before I started having them. I started having them when I fell in love with a second person. Does that constitute 'stumbling into' poly? Or being intentional about it? Somewhere in between, I think.

I'm not with the person that I was with when I transitioned to poly *now*, but we stayed together for about 5 1/2 years after the transition, and I would say broke up for reasons not directly related to poly.

Honestly, in the modern era of no-fault divorce, really long-term relationships are more the exception than the rule no matter your relationship style. Defining the success of a relationship by something other than longevity is a very good idea.
 
How many people just kinda of stumbled into polyamory?
Click to expand...

Yep - or, more precisely, my wife did when she reconnected with an old college bf - and then as she tripped and fell down the polyamorous rabbit hole, she grabbed my hand and pulled me in with her. :) Al
 
I find all these answers informative. I do have one question I was going to ask here instead of making a new thread. How do you know if someone you're dating is being honest about their communication with there significant other? Like if they don't want to meet you, how will you ever know if they know about you? This is something I've wondered.
 
In my experience

I hand over a number and suggest at the very least a " hi, how are you, this is so and so, have an awesome day"...a headsup to the SO would be in order as well... If I sense a need for reassurance from anyone involved. This would be very early on I would think.
I tend to make sure that people involved have more then a fair chance to meet if the desire is there... From any side. Small casual steps to what happens next ....
 
Polyglamorous said:
I find all these answers informative. I do have one question I was going to ask here instead of making a new thread. How do you know if someone you're dating is being honest about their communication with there significant other? Like if they don't want to meet you, how will you ever know if they know about you? This is something I've wondered.
Click to expand...

I wouldn't date someone whose SO absolutely refused to meet me. If they can't even muster the support for a FaceTime or something I would consider that a red flag.
 
Polyglamorous said:
I find all these answers informative. I do have one question I was going to ask here instead of making a new thread. How do you know if someone you're dating is being honest about their communication with there significant other? Like if they don't want to meet you, how will you ever know if they know about you? This is something I've wondered.
Click to expand...

I take them at their word. If I can't trust them that far I wouldn't be dating or having a relationship with them.

I think it's fairly easy to tell if someone is cheating or not by their behavior.
 
Polyglamorous said:
I find all these answers informative. I do have one question I was going to ask here instead of making a new thread. How do you know if someone you're dating is being honest about their communication with there significant other? Like if they don't want to meet you, how will you ever know if they know about you? This is something I've wondered.
Click to expand...

I had some bad experiences with poly men with nesting partners early on. Once is a fluke, twice is a coincidence, third time is a trend. So I do not date men with nesting partners. I dislike drama so I prefer to date solo poly men or monogamous men.
 
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