Anxious about metamours going away together without me

[lunabunny]

So... this is an update centred on my current concern: anxiety relating to the fact that my partners/metamours will be going away on a five-day trip together, without me.

A quick re-cap: My co-primary partners, J and B, used to be involved with each other in a close FWB type arrangement, before I met either of them.

They have been away together before as platonic friends - albeit sleeping in the same bed - but this will be the first time they've vacationed together since we all engaged in a failed threesome (after which we suspended any plans to turn our situation into a Poly-Fi triad, due to my inability to deal with the idea of my partners being together sexually).

They have agreed not to engage with each other in a physically intimate way, and I trust them both to keep this agreement. However, a handful of past incidences of boundaries being breached and agreements not being honoured have me pretty keyed up about this trip, which will begin in a couple of days.

At the suggestion of various people on this forum, I have discussed my concerns with both partners and have put (new, updated) boundaries in place, as well as furnished them with a short list of communication requirements aimed at making me feel safer, more secure, less isolated and alone while they're away together.

I plan to keep this thread open over the next few days, in order to draw on the support and combined wisdom of this group... and hopefully gain further insight on managing my own issues of jealousy, insecurity and the demands of poly in general, but specifically as it pertains to a long distance relationship.

Thank you in advance.

 

[Marcus]

They have agreed not to engage with each other in a physically intimate way, and I trust them both to keep this agreement.

Did this statement ring as true to you when you typed it out?

 

[lunabunny]

Did this statement ring as true to you when you typed it out?

Yes. It did and does.

Trust has been the big bugbear in this relationship from the start - not so much as it pertains to the individual dyads, but definitely as far as the triad dynamic goes.

When this particular trip was first broached, only a couple of weeks after our first IRL foray as a group of three, I was still in panic mode after (I felt) trust had been broken. After much discussion, and new relationship agreements put in place, I feel much calmer and more accepting of all this (poly itself, their meetings without me etc.)

You see, this is our first experience of practical polyamory, and although at this stage it is still mostly LD, we do intend to work towards making this a permanent, real life arrangement (live-in poly V).

I guess this thread is a way of airing/managing my feelings surrounding this impending event. As I update further, I would welcome any input.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi lunabunny,

It seems to me that you have done all you can to prepare for this trip. Now you just have to wait it out. Continue to post here, get thoughts, advice, and support from various members here, and look for things to do during the trip so that the trip won't be constantly on your mind. You can do this, you've got this.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[lunabunny]

Hi lunabunny,

It seems to me that you have done all you can to prepare for this trip. Now you just have to wait it out. Continue to post here, get thoughts, advice, and support from various members here, and look for things to do during the trip so that the trip won't be constantly on your mind. You can do this, you've got this.

Thank you, Kevin.

I took all your suggestions on board prior to the trip - and those of others - including sending my partners a short list of my communication requirements, as well as considering what tasks, activities and social events I might use to occupy myself while they're away together.

It is now Day 2 of their 5 day trip away and despite the above, I am struggling.

Instead of needing MORE active communication and involvement with my lovers while they're away/together, I have decided to take a break from all forms of communicating with them for the next day or so.

What I have consistently discovered during ALL of their trips away together (past and present), is that "following" them on their travels and waiting for either or both of them to contact me and keep me in the loop about their activities, whereabouts, etc... is that I tend to spend too long staring at computer screen or constantly checking for messages, yearning for contact, and increasingly feeling isolated and anxious if anticipated contact is delayed.

Right now, I need to attend to some rather pressing personal matters in my home life... so that constantly keeping one eye (and more than half of my mind) on what is happening *over there* with my partners is dividing my focus and draining my energy from more productive uses of my time.

I recognise that I become all too easily upset (to the point of crying hysterically, earlier today) when my needs for communication are not being met, but instead I see them (usually J) posting happy snaps together or actively engaging with others on social media.

I recognise that I can only request that my needs be taken into consideration, but cannot dictate how my partners choose to spend their time. However, I also recognise that, by actively putting myself in the position to witness them/him spending time focussing on other pursuits or friends instead of me, I am doing my own emotional health no favours. Hence my current temporary moratorium on messaging.

 

[kdt26417]

Sorry you are not doing well so far, and I can see the wisdom in putting messaging on hold. I know you said trips they took have been hard on you in the past, and as this is the first trip since the threesome thing, you would have to be struggling with it. Maybe if you get some stuff done you will feel a little bit better. Also you can post here at any time, maybe it can be like a journal of sorts.

 

[lunabunny]

Sorry you are not doing well so far, and I can see the wisdom in putting messaging on hold. I know you said trips they took have been hard on you in the past, and as this is the first trip since the threesome thing, you would have to be struggling with it. Maybe if you get some stuff done you will feel a little bit better. Also you can post here at any time, maybe it can be like a journal of sorts.

Yes, Kevin. As I feel like I am simply "venting" in this thread rather than asking a specific question that requires an answer from other forum members, I've decided to compile my major self-initiated threads/posts into my own, on-going life story/blog post.

Thank you for the suggestion, and as always, for your support.

FWIW, the timing of this trip couldn't have been worse in a way, as it has coincided with my decision to "come out" as polyamorous to my estranged husband (I am not divorced but we have lived apart for two years) and my grown children.

 

[kdt26417]

Yeah, that's a lot of stuff going on all at once. I do have confidence in your ability to get through it though!