The story of Spork.
- Thread starter Spork
- Start date
powerpuffgrl1969
Active member
Spork, as a Muggle myself, I think maybe you could allow that there are different degrees of "muggleness?"
Spork
Active member
Yes.
And in fact I have to remember that IN PERSON with MOST people, I get along really, really well. We don't find ourselves having these kinds of arguments.
This is an online thing. And some groups are self selecting. The ones in a forum offering discussions (and god help us, advice from random people) on relationships...are people who have some solid positions, about what kind of rules define relationships, and they are there to throw their weight around and grouse about how unhappy they still are (because they are right and the whole rest of the world is wrong.) This is not new, though honestly they're better than they used to be over there in terms of being just downright mean.
Anyhow it's like going to a political forum as a sensible, calm independent, and wanting to have a reasonable conversation with people. That is kinda dumb, isn't it?
Like the guy said at Thunder...I need to be more transparent, like mist, and let their projections go right through me, not land on me, not reflect off of me back at them.
Tinwen, I have a million ideas of creative things I could theoretically make. I worked on art for a couple of hours last night, until my back hurt so bad I had to stop. I don't really have an ergonomic space for doing this, I was sitting on the floor. Sometimes I have worked on really big sculptural pieces that required me to climb all over them and on ladders, and that was pretty challenging to my anatomy, too. But my biggest enemy in doing art is mustering the motivation to ACTUALLY DO it. I love that I can do these things...but I'm not sure how much passion I've truly got in reality. I committed to make more art this year. It was a goal of mine, and it has been for the last several years. Last year I made ONE finished piece. This year I am working on #3. Three pieces of art, one a gift, one that has not sold, and probably is priced too high to sell, and one that when it's done, MIGHT get me $80-100. I really can't live off of that.
Zen loves photography. He does not love his job. I am hoping that one day in like...less than ten years...he can retire from crummy aggravating "need the paycheck" jobs, and do photography stuff instead. Not because it's going to pay the bills, but because at that point, hopefully my income and his social security or whatever is enough to keep the two of us provided for and he won't HAVE to worry about what he's earning. He can put his energy into something he loves and wants to do. I hope for something like that one day myself, but that's what you do when you retire. Meanwhile, I'd love to find something to do that I don't hate, that would in fact pay the bills.
Sitting 8 hours a day in a cubicle, staring at screens...is not it. I suppose I can cope with doing that, if I really HAVE to, but I like to think I might find a better alternative one day.
I'm not ready to change what I am doing right now; I'm just contemplating what my possibilities are for the future.
Oh. My annoyance yesterday afternoon...I was very hungry when I got home, and ate a big meal. Maybe I just needed food, I don't know. I had a small lunch, I wasn't that hungry then, it sort of snuck up on me. Sometimes I get more prickly than normal, when my blood sugar is low.
opalescent
Active member
I had the thought that one of your 'missions' if you decide to become a relationship counselor (or similar profession) is to offer people a different take on relationships. There are already plenty of counselors who pretty much follow the mainstream assumptions - and that is not necessarily a bad thing. You could offer other perspectives, other paths. You wouldn't be the counselor for everybody but that's true of any therapist, counselor, doctor, etc. You could be incredibly helpful to those people where your approach could be life altering. There is a great need for a diversity of approaches in therapy, coaching, counseling, etc. You could contribute greatly to that.
Of course, there may be other reasons why counseling may not turn out to be the best course for you. But I hope that interacting with 'muggles' doesn't turn out to be one.
Of course, there may be other reasons why counseling may not turn out to be the best course for you. But I hope that interacting with 'muggles' doesn't turn out to be one.
Spork
Active member
I agree. And once I chilled out, I remembered those facts. I have been able to offer perspectives and advice to people in my community that has been VERY helpful to them. And like you say. Not every therapist is a good fit anyway.
Also...later today, after my last post, I was thinking, powerpuffgrl1969, I don't really think you fit my definition of muggle. A muggle is not JUST (to me) a vanilla, monogamous person, it's a person who thinks that's the RIGHT way to be, and is narrow minded and struggles to accept that other choices can be valid choices. In the analogy in my head, not only someone who lacks magic, but one who denies it could possibly exist and turns away from it, and would persecute any who did have it. It's a word for those who are so damned "normal" that they fear and hate that which is different from them. The ones who will say that anyone who doesn't acknowledge that for instance, men's only business with women is to use them for sex, is "living in denial of reality." Who spout off about how men always get screwed in divorce, about how women only want x, y, and z in a mate so they never pick the "nice guys" and how women are worthless after their "prime" 20's. That is the kind of shit that is just...near constant, over there in those "Relationships" forums. And I defy almost every single stereotype, and they can fucking bite me.
Those people. They are muggles. And they are damned annoying.
Also, I had a really weird dream earlier during a brief nap, where I was rescuing a bunch of tiny baby bats and the mother bat from where they had been blown out of a tree during a windstorm. But they didn't really look like any bats I've ever seen. They were like fluffy tiny brown, black and white critters...like baby guinea pigs, but with wings. They were really soft and super cute. No idea why I dreamed that, but as dreams go, a dream about cute little baby animals is a good dream.
powerpuffgrl1969
Active member
Well, thanks! I don't care WHAT people do in their personal lives, as long as they aren't harming anyone (I differentiate agreed upon "hurt" from "harm").
Spork
Active member
I suspect that anyone who has been here for more than a minute probably feels about that way.
I mean, our dear Ravenscroft can get a little pedantic at times, and maybe sometimes I do, too...but I don't think anyone here operates much in the spirit of "this is how it is, and if you think you can step to the beat of a different drummer, well you are simply delusional."
I'm of mixed feelings on my presence at that other forum. On the one hand, it is an exercise in frustration and futility. Once in a while they actually really annoy me, as opposed to simply keeping me pleasantly distracted, and I don't like that. On the other hand...
Some good comes of it, because once in a while I get a private message from someone saying, "Look I'm not down to get roasted in there but I totally agree with you and I wanted you to know." I might be meeting with a local woman for coffee sometime, just to chat, as she and I share some views and it seemed like it might be enjoyable to converse. I once talked at length with a very blue collar London man who came to our discussion full of prickly and defensive feelings towards gay people, that if his mates tricked him into going to a gay bar, he'd have to fight men who flirted with him or something...and I actually talked him out of that kind of thinking. He ended up once going voluntarily to a gay bar with some friends and in fact having a very good time. No need to fight anyone, which is exactly what I patiently explained to him. But the most productive exchanges are the ones happening when someone notices my perspectives in the forums, and starts a private dialogue.
So it hasn't been a complete waste of time there, and I had been posting for years...since about 2011 I believe...so some of the regulars have kinda "known" me a long time. Though I was absent from the site for a while, when it got too upsetting for me. Though that was in the thick of the worst of my marriage problems and I came to my day already in a turbulent emotional state. I do seem to need a certain level of personal calm to deal with their crap over there.
Also, whether I like it or not, people I've described as "muggles" do exist in great numbers in the world. When someone like me checks out and goes silent, I feel like it just makes it look like they are even more the dominant force than what they really are. Sometimes loud groups seem bigger and nastier than the reality...if the more reasonable folks stay quiet and invisible. So on principle I feel compelled to contribute sometimes, if only for that reason...but maybe I should check my own mood first.
Anyhoo. I got a lot done yesterday. My younger boy, Q, is taking 3 Honors classes this year, and I sure hope he's ready to deal with the level of work that will probably be involved. I did not end up going down to see Ninja, because the family friends he's staying with already took him to get his diploma, and they seem to want to hang onto him. I have mixed feelings about that...on the one hand, having him out of my hair gives me more time and space to accomplish things I need to...on the other hand, the track record of him actually achieving any of his goals while he's there is not good, and I feel I should be stepping up and pushing him forward. I told them I would come down on Sunday.
So I went to Michael's (the art supply and craft store.) I always leave that place feeling like I need to be stopped, like I shouldn't go in there without a minder to watch me and tell me not to buy stuff. But I kept my own spending to a minimum. Only about $10. I went to get a gift card for a birthday gift for a friend. But man, they have some cool Halloween stuff in there (and I have been known to decorate my home year round with certain Halloween props)...and I just love all the things. Sparkling beads and bits and bobs, feathers and fake flowers and paints and pens, more kinds of Mod Podge than I'll ever need in a lifetime and the glorious variety of adhesives in general. *sigh* I bought a little spray of leaves to use with my current project, some cool little craft eyes, some glue dots (which I hope to use to stick the eyes on my strap-on, but need to test to make sure they won't harm the silicone)...and a little feather clip. The feather clip I have to describe, see, it's this little poofball of long floaty fluffy strands and it's grey and I bought it because it reminds me of a critter from The Dark Crystal and I need to find a way to stick little beady eyes on it. I stood in the aisle playing with it for about 5 minutes. Ah, the human tendency to anthropomorphize random things. This is no mere ball of stringy floaty feathery bits attached to a plastic clip, IT IS A CREATURE. It's cute. Yes.
Went home and made great progress on my art project. I think and hope that I will have it done for Saturday's party, which will be the perfect time to deliver it to the club to be displayed for sale. I need to talk to the owner about getting it on the wall before the party. The party is Kinky Prom with a "Rainbows and Unicorns" theme and the art is a unicorn with a crazy many-colored confetti craze of rainbow chaos for the background. I have been sculpting in a border that is somewhere between a gold filigree and a grapevine wreath, and I'll be sticking pretty little green silk leaves to that, and also weaving in a small strand of battery powered LED fairy lights on copper wire around its edges. The battery pack is tiny and flat and takes a watch battery so that should work perfectly for this.
I will make sure to get some photos when it's finished and share them here.
Spork
Active member
I worked hard on my art, got the painting and sealing of the back and borders done last night. This morning, I clipped all the leaves off the little spray I bought at Michael's and hot glued them onto the border, so it looks like windy vines with leaves. And I put gold glittery stuff on there. I really need to get pictures of this, it looks so much cooler than anything I can find a way to describe. And it's a too-cool coincidence I'd started a rainbow-unicorn piece of art, and then they announced the theme for Kinky Prom would be...rainbows and unicorns. So that is what I'm rushing to get it done for, tomorrow. I just need to touch up the paint over where I used the hot glue now, and re-seal those spots, and then add the LEDs and it will be done. I think, unless my last holdout buyer who hasn't paid me yet for his GWAR shirt he bought, pays me and I have to go to the post office on my lunch...I will probably go home on my lunch and try to do the painting and sealing bit. Then perhaps after work I can run home and add the LEDs before I go to Zen's house...that should be a pretty quick step. I don't really want to permanently affix the LED strand, because if it ever quits working I want anyone to just be able to carefully remove it. It'll be cool with or without the lights.
Of course in my frenzy of spending every spare moment on this art piece, I have neglected a host of other things, but hey...Finishing the hat. What is NOT portrayed in the musical, "Sunday in the Park with George" is the fact that he's only stuck spending every minute working on his art BECAUSE he procrastinated, napped, screwed around, and acted like he had all the time in the world, and didn't even touch the art, for like a month. That's how it is with artists, I think. We're all a bunch of flakes when it comes to our work, really. At least some of my favorite and even most hardworking artists are. Get busy with 100 other things, even things that really aren't all that important (jigsaw puzzle?) and only realize when you're under a week from your deadline, you should really get cracking and "Finish the Hat." So then you can't go to the follies and your girlfriend gets all pissed off. No one knows what I'm talking about, besides Zen, right? OK. Just checking.
Anyways it is looking amazing, and I really should have taken pictures of the work in progress, but I didn't, so finished pics will have to suffice once it's done.
Oh, the last thing I did in the last moments before I ran out the door to work today... I had painted the back of the piece and sealed it with matte modpodge (love that stuff) but that means the finish was "tacky" (kind of sticky) as modpodge is apt to do. I had bought some clear acrylic sealant which is meant to eliminate that problem, so I took it outside and sprayed it down with that. Just the back. Why would I put so much effort into the back of the piece? Well...see, mostly the layers of paint and modpodge help keep various things structurally sound. I attached the hanging hardware (little toothed bar thing) with modpodge and layers of paper strips and more modpodge, that thing isn't going anywhere. And I paper mache'ed all over the whole back because...why not...and anyhow, it just keeps it all of a piece. Sure, fine...but leaving a slightly tacky/sticky surface on the back of it means if it hangs on a wall, and gets warm, cools, etc...then eventually it might really stick to the paint on the wall. To the point where if someone tries to remove it, it takes the paint with it. So. Had to get rid of that. Acrylic sealant spray to the rescue. However, the stuff smells like hell on wheels, the fumes are brutal, and I couldn't leave it outside to fully dry because it's been raining. I had a dry moment to take it out and spray it, but then I had the problem of...this thing stinks. Now what? So I hung it on a hanger, and hung it up in open space in my closet and shut the door (it's a big walk in closet)...I can only hope it doesn't stankify my clothes.
I'm going home on my lunch...fingers crossed that the fumes were contained and didn't kill the cat, but also that they didn't soak into everything else in the closet. Damn it.
Also, the smell is stuck in my nose, and I'm tasting it in my coffee even though that isn't even possible, since my coffee wasn't anywhere near the piece or the spray. *sigh* Artist problems.
Oh, and the discussion group last night was good. I'd skipped a few other social engagements this week, so I felt I needed to go to the group for switches which I have normally attended for years. I was told by several people that my plan to become a sort of counselor would be a tremendous benefit to the Colorado Springs community and the kink community specifically, so I really should do it. Good encouragement. And this one person wanted me to somehow mentor her in how to be a sub, which I think is...what?...because I'm really not much of a sub. But she liked watching Zen and I scene, she thought our energy was really beautiful, and she is trying to switch things up for her and her husband (she is typically his top) and I dunno...she figures they can learn from us, or something. ?? We talked a little bit about that, but not much. I guess she's arranged to bottom for a more prominent community member at the third Saturday party, so she is figuring out ways to get what she needs.
Of course in my frenzy of spending every spare moment on this art piece, I have neglected a host of other things, but hey...Finishing the hat. What is NOT portrayed in the musical, "Sunday in the Park with George" is the fact that he's only stuck spending every minute working on his art BECAUSE he procrastinated, napped, screwed around, and acted like he had all the time in the world, and didn't even touch the art, for like a month. That's how it is with artists, I think. We're all a bunch of flakes when it comes to our work, really. At least some of my favorite and even most hardworking artists are. Get busy with 100 other things, even things that really aren't all that important (jigsaw puzzle?) and only realize when you're under a week from your deadline, you should really get cracking and "Finish the Hat." So then you can't go to the follies and your girlfriend gets all pissed off. No one knows what I'm talking about, besides Zen, right? OK. Just checking.
Anyways it is looking amazing, and I really should have taken pictures of the work in progress, but I didn't, so finished pics will have to suffice once it's done.
Oh, the last thing I did in the last moments before I ran out the door to work today... I had painted the back of the piece and sealed it with matte modpodge (love that stuff) but that means the finish was "tacky" (kind of sticky) as modpodge is apt to do. I had bought some clear acrylic sealant which is meant to eliminate that problem, so I took it outside and sprayed it down with that. Just the back. Why would I put so much effort into the back of the piece? Well...see, mostly the layers of paint and modpodge help keep various things structurally sound. I attached the hanging hardware (little toothed bar thing) with modpodge and layers of paper strips and more modpodge, that thing isn't going anywhere. And I paper mache'ed all over the whole back because...why not...and anyhow, it just keeps it all of a piece. Sure, fine...but leaving a slightly tacky/sticky surface on the back of it means if it hangs on a wall, and gets warm, cools, etc...then eventually it might really stick to the paint on the wall. To the point where if someone tries to remove it, it takes the paint with it. So. Had to get rid of that. Acrylic sealant spray to the rescue. However, the stuff smells like hell on wheels, the fumes are brutal, and I couldn't leave it outside to fully dry because it's been raining. I had a dry moment to take it out and spray it, but then I had the problem of...this thing stinks. Now what? So I hung it on a hanger, and hung it up in open space in my closet and shut the door (it's a big walk in closet)...I can only hope it doesn't stankify my clothes.
I'm going home on my lunch...fingers crossed that the fumes were contained and didn't kill the cat, but also that they didn't soak into everything else in the closet. Damn it.
Also, the smell is stuck in my nose, and I'm tasting it in my coffee even though that isn't even possible, since my coffee wasn't anywhere near the piece or the spray. *sigh* Artist problems.
Oh, and the discussion group last night was good. I'd skipped a few other social engagements this week, so I felt I needed to go to the group for switches which I have normally attended for years. I was told by several people that my plan to become a sort of counselor would be a tremendous benefit to the Colorado Springs community and the kink community specifically, so I really should do it. Good encouragement. And this one person wanted me to somehow mentor her in how to be a sub, which I think is...what?...because I'm really not much of a sub. But she liked watching Zen and I scene, she thought our energy was really beautiful, and she is trying to switch things up for her and her husband (she is typically his top) and I dunno...she figures they can learn from us, or something. ?? We talked a little bit about that, but not much. I guess she's arranged to bottom for a more prominent community member at the third Saturday party, so she is figuring out ways to get what she needs.
Spork
Active member
So, I got some news yesterday that I was not very happy to receive, but it didn't shock me. I figured it would come eventually but expected it to take a bit longer, was all.
Old Wolf is coming back to Colorado Springs.
I knew he would, no matter what he said. He was the one who was happy to be here, first. I became happy here later. He has friends who are like family here. He can be himself, with his guns and conspiracy theories, with his old army buddies and his gaming group and his pool league (which I promised not to rejoin, since it's something he wants to do) and all, here.
I realized yesterday, he has embodied the concept of "Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them" for me. He is afraid of us crossing paths in social circles, he's afraid of me being close to his friends and saying things behind his back. I don't care what he says to anybody about me, I just want him to not threaten my physical safety and my life. Worrying about that, is a bit like worrying about nuclear war...sure, shit could go down and all, but does it do me any good to be afraid of it? To worry about it? Is there anything I could do to make it less likely? No.
I am at a place where the answer to all things Old Wolf related seems to be, "It doesn't matter."
I had that little box of slips of paper he sent me when he was deployed, of reasons that he loved me. And I felt like, I never really grieved my marriage, and I should go through some sort of catharsis and destroy those bits of paper or something, read them and then burn them, or that I should keep them to assure myself that I did not waste 18 years of my life completely...but you know...somehow, now...it doesn't matter.
Where he is at, what he is doing. It doesn't matter.
He said that he tries very hard not to hate me, because we still have sons who need to finish growing up, and having a cooperative relationship between their parents is going to be best for them. Yes. But really, after all I did for him and all he did to hurt me, it seems so unfair that he struggles not to hate me...I don't struggle not to hate him.
Or do I?
Maybe I've been lying to myself because it is just so damned important to always be doing the right thing, to be the good person. I sacrificed my right to have negative emotions, because they are not becoming. Because they make you look like an asshole. I did not get angry, even when I had reasons to be. I didn't cry. Kept saying I still loved him like a family member after all those years we were together and that I care and want him to be ok, and I'll be there for him if he needs me. And yesterday, he told me on the phone, "You have to understand...I try not to hate you, but I just don't care. If you called me to tell me you were stranded with our kid, on the side of the road, I'd come pick up the kid but I would leave you there alone." I know, that this is because I have someone in my life now. Because I found love, and he did not. It is bitterness that drives this contempt. But maybe... I don't know how to put this. I was going to say "stop caring" but that sounds too much like doing something. Put down the burden. Let it go. The need to keep "being there" for someone who has emphatically stated he is NOT there for me...this thing I cling to because I need to be a better person than he is. I've needed to be able to point and say, "See. I didn't cause this negativity, I've been blameless, nothing but giving." Fuck it. Can I admit I really don't love him anymore? Not as family. Not as anything. I don't need to hold some part of myself in reserve for him just to prove that I am a kind human being. IT DOESN'T MATTER. Can I just stop? Will it make me a bad person if I just stop? If I say, no...I will not come to your rescue if you need me, and no, I am not here to give you advice, and no, if you are in the hospital dying I will not show up to hold your hand, and NO. I don't have to care about you anymore. What I had to give was not appreciated, it was responded to with cruel words and hateful feelings, so no. I am going to turn away. And stop worrying that it will validate his feeling that I AM a bad person, or worrying about what other people who used to be "our" friends will think of me. Because...it doesn't matter.
I don't want to go through some melodramatic grieving ritual with this stupid box of stupid little pieces of paper. I never read them. I didn't tell him that, but it never felt like the right thing to do. Funny...it still doesn't. Maybe I'll just give them back to him. Maybe I will tell him that I destroyed it, but actually seal it away like a time capsule with the story of my life, and maybe one day my sons or my grandkids or their children will read those little pieces of paper that I never could. I just don't want to keep putting my energy into this crap, because man...it just really doesn't matter.
He mentioned at some point, that looking back he thinks that I put on such a good act, everyone thought I was such a wonderful wife and mother, and people who knew us only ever heard my side of the story, and he's going to tell them his when he gets back. That there were things I did that were "unforgivable." I told him that there were sure some things on my side of that same ledger, things he did that I consider to be unforgivable too. He said, "Really? You want to compare notes? Trade stories?" And you know, it is really tempting to do that. But a wave of tiredness hit me. Apathetic and dull and just...I said no. I told him I was tired of the relationship post-mortem exercises and that I wish he would simply accept that we both did a lot of things right, and a lot of things wrong. We were both behind the reasons that we made it work for so long, and the reasons it finally had to end. And that we need to stop hashing out all of our personal tallies of hurts and grievances, because it doesn't matter.
And I think that for many people it's really tempting...for me, in particular, it's very tempting...to make lists of the wrongs we did to one another, and the sacrifices we've made, to try and say "See! On the greater balance, I did mostly right, so you shouldn't hate me. You really don't have the right to." But it feels so good, like releasing a burden held, a tension I didn't know was even there, to just say, no, you know, nevermind. Fuck it. Let's just not play this little game, forget it. It doesn't matter now.
I need to be better at that. I need to not only control the conversations I participate in with him, but also with others, and most importantly, with myself.
In other news, more positive news, I have art business opportunities cropping up and that's pretty cool stuff. I dropped off the unicorn piece at Voodoo on Saturday and a lot of people like it, and there's been talk of buying it from a few folks, but I don't know if it was sold or not. A woman mentioned that she might want a commission, I have a commission for a custom frame for a GWAR poster and one for a dragon piece lined up. My art is not selling for a lot of money, but it's selling, and there is interest in it. Still don't think it's ever going to be much more than a side-gig...but I think I'm happy with that.
Old Wolf is coming back to Colorado Springs.
I knew he would, no matter what he said. He was the one who was happy to be here, first. I became happy here later. He has friends who are like family here. He can be himself, with his guns and conspiracy theories, with his old army buddies and his gaming group and his pool league (which I promised not to rejoin, since it's something he wants to do) and all, here.
I realized yesterday, he has embodied the concept of "Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them" for me. He is afraid of us crossing paths in social circles, he's afraid of me being close to his friends and saying things behind his back. I don't care what he says to anybody about me, I just want him to not threaten my physical safety and my life. Worrying about that, is a bit like worrying about nuclear war...sure, shit could go down and all, but does it do me any good to be afraid of it? To worry about it? Is there anything I could do to make it less likely? No.
I am at a place where the answer to all things Old Wolf related seems to be, "It doesn't matter."
I had that little box of slips of paper he sent me when he was deployed, of reasons that he loved me. And I felt like, I never really grieved my marriage, and I should go through some sort of catharsis and destroy those bits of paper or something, read them and then burn them, or that I should keep them to assure myself that I did not waste 18 years of my life completely...but you know...somehow, now...it doesn't matter.
Where he is at, what he is doing. It doesn't matter.
He said that he tries very hard not to hate me, because we still have sons who need to finish growing up, and having a cooperative relationship between their parents is going to be best for them. Yes. But really, after all I did for him and all he did to hurt me, it seems so unfair that he struggles not to hate me...I don't struggle not to hate him.
Or do I?
Maybe I've been lying to myself because it is just so damned important to always be doing the right thing, to be the good person. I sacrificed my right to have negative emotions, because they are not becoming. Because they make you look like an asshole. I did not get angry, even when I had reasons to be. I didn't cry. Kept saying I still loved him like a family member after all those years we were together and that I care and want him to be ok, and I'll be there for him if he needs me. And yesterday, he told me on the phone, "You have to understand...I try not to hate you, but I just don't care. If you called me to tell me you were stranded with our kid, on the side of the road, I'd come pick up the kid but I would leave you there alone." I know, that this is because I have someone in my life now. Because I found love, and he did not. It is bitterness that drives this contempt. But maybe... I don't know how to put this. I was going to say "stop caring" but that sounds too much like doing something. Put down the burden. Let it go. The need to keep "being there" for someone who has emphatically stated he is NOT there for me...this thing I cling to because I need to be a better person than he is. I've needed to be able to point and say, "See. I didn't cause this negativity, I've been blameless, nothing but giving." Fuck it. Can I admit I really don't love him anymore? Not as family. Not as anything. I don't need to hold some part of myself in reserve for him just to prove that I am a kind human being. IT DOESN'T MATTER. Can I just stop? Will it make me a bad person if I just stop? If I say, no...I will not come to your rescue if you need me, and no, I am not here to give you advice, and no, if you are in the hospital dying I will not show up to hold your hand, and NO. I don't have to care about you anymore. What I had to give was not appreciated, it was responded to with cruel words and hateful feelings, so no. I am going to turn away. And stop worrying that it will validate his feeling that I AM a bad person, or worrying about what other people who used to be "our" friends will think of me. Because...it doesn't matter.
I don't want to go through some melodramatic grieving ritual with this stupid box of stupid little pieces of paper. I never read them. I didn't tell him that, but it never felt like the right thing to do. Funny...it still doesn't. Maybe I'll just give them back to him. Maybe I will tell him that I destroyed it, but actually seal it away like a time capsule with the story of my life, and maybe one day my sons or my grandkids or their children will read those little pieces of paper that I never could. I just don't want to keep putting my energy into this crap, because man...it just really doesn't matter.
He mentioned at some point, that looking back he thinks that I put on such a good act, everyone thought I was such a wonderful wife and mother, and people who knew us only ever heard my side of the story, and he's going to tell them his when he gets back. That there were things I did that were "unforgivable." I told him that there were sure some things on my side of that same ledger, things he did that I consider to be unforgivable too. He said, "Really? You want to compare notes? Trade stories?" And you know, it is really tempting to do that. But a wave of tiredness hit me. Apathetic and dull and just...I said no. I told him I was tired of the relationship post-mortem exercises and that I wish he would simply accept that we both did a lot of things right, and a lot of things wrong. We were both behind the reasons that we made it work for so long, and the reasons it finally had to end. And that we need to stop hashing out all of our personal tallies of hurts and grievances, because it doesn't matter.
And I think that for many people it's really tempting...for me, in particular, it's very tempting...to make lists of the wrongs we did to one another, and the sacrifices we've made, to try and say "See! On the greater balance, I did mostly right, so you shouldn't hate me. You really don't have the right to." But it feels so good, like releasing a burden held, a tension I didn't know was even there, to just say, no, you know, nevermind. Fuck it. Let's just not play this little game, forget it. It doesn't matter now.
I need to be better at that. I need to not only control the conversations I participate in with him, but also with others, and most importantly, with myself.
In other news, more positive news, I have art business opportunities cropping up and that's pretty cool stuff. I dropped off the unicorn piece at Voodoo on Saturday and a lot of people like it, and there's been talk of buying it from a few folks, but I don't know if it was sold or not. A woman mentioned that she might want a commission, I have a commission for a custom frame for a GWAR poster and one for a dragon piece lined up. My art is not selling for a lot of money, but it's selling, and there is interest in it. Still don't think it's ever going to be much more than a side-gig...but I think I'm happy with that.
Spork
Active member
My god I was in a bad mood yesterday after work. The news of Old Wolf's return to this city dredged up too much stuff. Much as I'm trying to let go and quit dwelling on this crap, it's so damned hard. I want to flush it all out of my head, so so badly. I'm trying to go boldly and happily into a new life with Zen, and I am desperate to cut the chains dragging the baggage of my past because I don't want that shit stinking up my new life.
I do think it's good that Old Wolf and I are on speaking terms and we're talking boundaries, though. He was concerned with keeping our social lives separate and that is fine by me. He says he wants contact with me limited to the need to co-parent our kids, and that's also fine by me (but I question his ability to stick to it. He still calls me to discuss his financial decisions because he respects my financial acumen, but he has gotten better about not dumping his personal problems on me.)
So...*sigh*...let's hope we can put some good boundaries in place, and that we can both respect them and move on with our lives. There IS a point when people are divorced, where they just don't think about each other anymore, where their worlds are really very much apart. Sometimes it takes a while to get there. If nothing else, we're at 2.78 years (according to the magical spreadsheet) until my youngest graduates high school. Time is passing. And maybe we will move to Phoenix, who knows.
So anyways I was in a bad mood yesterday, but I'm ok today. It wasn't just the ex husband situation...it was the sort of day where all sorts of little things seemed calculated to get on my nerves. I had no appetite so I didn't eat much (stress does that to me) and what I did eat wasn't good for me. I did try to do productive things with my evening. I took Q to buy some school supplies (and got angry at how much he expected me to pay for a backpack of his choosing) and I got my dishes done and stuff. Had also bought one of those products at Walmart with the sticker coupon on it, for $2 off, and got home to find that yep, they had neglected to take it off and scan the coupon, so now I'm going to go back and get my damn $2. You can do that, they have told me.
Today, I'm going after work to Walmart, to do that, and then to Michael's because I've got coupons and I can buy something and get 50% off. A little retail therapy on the cheap, that's what I need. I searched everywhere last time I was there for Prismacolor markers, I want a set of those again so bad. I had one, but Old Wolf took it....and those markers were old anyways, so I let him. But they are just wonderful for some of the art techniques I enjoy. Or maybe I will buy the cool Halloween vortex light I coveted last time I was there. Whatever I'm getting, it'll be at half price, so that doesn't suck. I need to basically go often to Michael's, but only buy one thing each time, and always use a coupon. They send me coupons constantly, like they do everyone on their list, so there's no excuse for me to ever pay full price for anything there.
I really need to get a storage unit...but I am optimistic about my moving process because I know I've already gone through most of my stuff, things are fairly well organized, and I don't have to get rid of a lot. I don't think this will be too difficult. I'm reaching the point now of seriously looking at rental houses. Every day, I do this and say, "If I had to choose and apply for one today, it would be ~this~ one." And sometimes it's a perfect and optimal house, sometimes it's one that compromises a little on location or size. But always there is something that could work out.
Onward!
I do think it's good that Old Wolf and I are on speaking terms and we're talking boundaries, though. He was concerned with keeping our social lives separate and that is fine by me. He says he wants contact with me limited to the need to co-parent our kids, and that's also fine by me (but I question his ability to stick to it. He still calls me to discuss his financial decisions because he respects my financial acumen, but he has gotten better about not dumping his personal problems on me.)
So...*sigh*...let's hope we can put some good boundaries in place, and that we can both respect them and move on with our lives. There IS a point when people are divorced, where they just don't think about each other anymore, where their worlds are really very much apart. Sometimes it takes a while to get there. If nothing else, we're at 2.78 years (according to the magical spreadsheet) until my youngest graduates high school. Time is passing. And maybe we will move to Phoenix, who knows.
So anyways I was in a bad mood yesterday, but I'm ok today. It wasn't just the ex husband situation...it was the sort of day where all sorts of little things seemed calculated to get on my nerves. I had no appetite so I didn't eat much (stress does that to me) and what I did eat wasn't good for me. I did try to do productive things with my evening. I took Q to buy some school supplies (and got angry at how much he expected me to pay for a backpack of his choosing) and I got my dishes done and stuff. Had also bought one of those products at Walmart with the sticker coupon on it, for $2 off, and got home to find that yep, they had neglected to take it off and scan the coupon, so now I'm going to go back and get my damn $2. You can do that, they have told me.
Today, I'm going after work to Walmart, to do that, and then to Michael's because I've got coupons and I can buy something and get 50% off. A little retail therapy on the cheap, that's what I need. I searched everywhere last time I was there for Prismacolor markers, I want a set of those again so bad. I had one, but Old Wolf took it....and those markers were old anyways, so I let him. But they are just wonderful for some of the art techniques I enjoy. Or maybe I will buy the cool Halloween vortex light I coveted last time I was there. Whatever I'm getting, it'll be at half price, so that doesn't suck. I need to basically go often to Michael's, but only buy one thing each time, and always use a coupon. They send me coupons constantly, like they do everyone on their list, so there's no excuse for me to ever pay full price for anything there.
I really need to get a storage unit...but I am optimistic about my moving process because I know I've already gone through most of my stuff, things are fairly well organized, and I don't have to get rid of a lot. I don't think this will be too difficult. I'm reaching the point now of seriously looking at rental houses. Every day, I do this and say, "If I had to choose and apply for one today, it would be ~this~ one." And sometimes it's a perfect and optimal house, sometimes it's one that compromises a little on location or size. But always there is something that could work out.
Onward!
Spork
Active member
We are now officially at less than one month until my projected and expected move date. I was hoping to move around 9/15. I could do give or take a week in either direction, but that's my optimal date. And I'm looking, but the better candidates are available NOW and since there seems to be tons of interest in every property, they move quick, I don't expect that it would work to try and get in on something that is available now, when I can't afford to pay the deposits until September. So...I wait. Somewhat impatiently, but not with a ton of fear or stress really. I also have not received my bankruptcy discharge yet, and that limits me to fewer rental companies that are willing to consider me. Should get that within 2 more weeks, according to what my lawyer said.
On the bright side, I think he was absolutely right, it was an open-and-shut case, no complications or need to scrutinize in my situation. "Divorce and bankruptcy go hand in hand." I guess.
Zen came over last night, that was a bit of a surprise. He had news he just couldn't hold about his friend. All I can say is...wow, projection. I feel a bit validated in my opinions today even if my guesses weren't completely on point. They say that those who are most controlling and insecure, it's because they are up to no good themselves, and well...there ya go. That's all I'm going to say about that.
Oh, and I did get my $2 back from Walmart, and I did go to Michael's and I got a set of Prismacolor markers (I've been wanting to start rebuilding my collection.) They are crazy expensive, so I will rarely buy them and only with 50% off or better in savings on the sticker price. We're talking $6.99 per marker, or a set of 12 for $59.99. I got the set of 12 that is all greys and blacks, and I got them half price, so about $30. Still about $2.50/marker, but I can cope with that. The first piece I make with them, if I make one that is marketable, will get me back that much and more. I can make kink themed art on illustration board that is incredibly cool with these, and get prints done, and frame the original for sale. Might even upload the art to products on Redbubble and sell there, too. I have commissions I need to get done first, but in time...these markers are a darn good investment at this price. I managed to hold back from buying Halloween stuff, which is cool but not really necessary in my life.
The life-stuff update is short, but I'll post one about my ponderings and ruminations in a moment. It's a ramble...
On the bright side, I think he was absolutely right, it was an open-and-shut case, no complications or need to scrutinize in my situation. "Divorce and bankruptcy go hand in hand." I guess.
Zen came over last night, that was a bit of a surprise. He had news he just couldn't hold about his friend. All I can say is...wow, projection. I feel a bit validated in my opinions today even if my guesses weren't completely on point. They say that those who are most controlling and insecure, it's because they are up to no good themselves, and well...there ya go. That's all I'm going to say about that.
Oh, and I did get my $2 back from Walmart, and I did go to Michael's and I got a set of Prismacolor markers (I've been wanting to start rebuilding my collection.) They are crazy expensive, so I will rarely buy them and only with 50% off or better in savings on the sticker price. We're talking $6.99 per marker, or a set of 12 for $59.99. I got the set of 12 that is all greys and blacks, and I got them half price, so about $30. Still about $2.50/marker, but I can cope with that. The first piece I make with them, if I make one that is marketable, will get me back that much and more. I can make kink themed art on illustration board that is incredibly cool with these, and get prints done, and frame the original for sale. Might even upload the art to products on Redbubble and sell there, too. I have commissions I need to get done first, but in time...these markers are a darn good investment at this price. I managed to hold back from buying Halloween stuff, which is cool but not really necessary in my life.
The life-stuff update is short, but I'll post one about my ponderings and ruminations in a moment. It's a ramble...
Spork
Active member
I'm thinking about the subject of a discussion I had on the other forum. I mentioned it before, the question of what is worse, cheating or snooping? Well... Personally, I would much more easily forgive my partner for cheating, than I would for snooping. Because people cheat for many reasons, and not all of them are dealbreakers to me. But snooping says, "I don't trust you. Even if I find no evidence that you are wronging me, I probably STILL won't trust you. I have trust issues, or I quietly suspect that you are a bad person." Brings up a lot of questions...does my partner think that they are not worthy of honesty or honest love from a good person? Are they projecting things they'd expect from themselves upon me? Can I trust THEM? If a person cheats, especially if they come clean about it...I can say, you know, we're human and fallible, and I want to address why you didn't feel safe to be honest with me about this as it was going on...why you felt you had to deceive me...but we can work through it.
I think I'm in a minority, feeling that way. Most people said, if you "see red flags" then you are justified in snooping, you have to find out the truth. Or "trust, but verify." I just feel this whole approach puts partners at odds with one another, when one sees one as a villain or opponent or enemy. The minute you're not on the same team anymore, you've got bigger problems. But then most of the posters there see everyone of the opposite gender as opponents or enemies anyways. Not very healthy if you ask me.
Also of course there is the fact that I'm still a bit poly in my thinking, when it comes to relationship ethics. In other words, the act of cheating isn't a betrayal so much because my partner had sex with another person, it's because they hid it, lied about it. It's the deception where the real wrong lies, for me.
So then I was also contemplating how many people think that avoiding sex is difficult, but avoiding feelings is easy. Or feelings are scarier than sex. That kind of thing. I feel the opposite. They will say that if a woman is friends with a man, well, she shouldn't be unless she means to have sex with him, because it's almost inevitable. I completely disagree with that. Avoiding sex is the easiest thing in the world. Guess the fact that I don't drink or do drugs helps, I'm never in a state of compromised judgment. My mind is always clear enough to say no. I remember attempted trysts in high school...once you find someone who wants to have sex with you, the next part and possibly the harder one is to find the OPPORTUNITY to make it happen. A private space and enough time. So preventing sex with a male friend who wants that from me, is as simple as denying him opportunities. That's part of how I handle Supernova. Practically every time I've ever seen me, he's propositioned me for sex in some way, but it's in public, so he can only go so far. If I said yes, he'd probably go for it, but I think there's safety (for him) to play around with the flirtation because he doesn't expect me to. It becomes this sort of running inside joke kind of thing. It's fun social behavior, it amuses and flatters me, seems to amuse him, and he's welcome to stop anytime he wants if he feels he's "wasting his time" (as the forum guys like to say.) But we do have a legit underlying friendship and respect. I don't think he'd ever violate my consent, but I still feel it's safer not to be in private situations with him. Easy boundary.
Another thing that I find interesting that has cropped up in conversations with Old Wolf, and in those forums, is the idea that people are attracted to someone just from laying eyes on them and finding them good looking. That's never been true for me. I won't know if someone is even a potential candidate until I've had conversation with them. There was a guy that I saw online when I was first getting into fetlife and the community, and I thought he was hot...until I met him in person and had a bit of conversation. *poof!* Attraction gone. He's still a good looking man, but his voice or his interests...he struck me as hopelessly immature, even though he's my own age. Zen...had I passed him on the street, I wouldn't have done a double-take (he is very normal looking, sort of blends in)...but after we talked, especially in private where he relaxed and showed me who he was...I fell more and more in love with him, and my attraction and desire for him increased.
I can lay eyes on someone and think they look good, but real attraction simply does not exist until we've connected.
Yet when I am partnered with someone, I find it VERY easy to switch off attraction for other people. I still notice they look nice, I still enjoy their company and connections, I still might develop feelings for them or want to be snuggly or affectionate. But the desire to actually have sex, I can link to one person...to where my sex life with them specifically defines my sexuality itself, my very sexual identity. And at that point, I have no temptation to have sex with other people. It simply does not exist. I was like that with Old Wolf, even though I had no passion for him and didn't really want to have sex with him. I was still in "committed mode" and instead of still having the ability to desire people, just not him, I lost my desire for all sex with anyone. It was simply off.
We've got all of these words nowadays, I don't know if any of this makes me sapiosexual or demisexual or what, but it's just how my psychosexual mechanisms operate.
It's like a screening process.
- From first sight, do they meet minimum standard, does the idea of being intimate with them completely make me go "nope"? If they check out...
- Conversation. Do they have mannerisms, behaviors, voice, that switches me off? Values? Do we have things in common, connection points? During this phase I'm evaluating words & nonverbal cues. If they check out...
- Sex talk. I might do sex talk with anyone, whether or not I'm interested in them, I find it easy. But as part of a screening process, I need to find out if habits and desires and kinks are compatible. Supernova could be used as an example here, as I met him before I stopped being poly, but he failed this part. He told me he is well endowed, that he is into primal sex, and that he loves to have brief intense affairs that end while it's still hot. Every bit of that is a great big nope for me. I know I wouldn't enjoy him, and I didn't have to get naked to find that out. But if a prospect under my consideration passes this screening phase, and I'm available...
- Proceed to green lighting and onward to sex. After I have sex with someone, I can tell immediately if I ever want to again. I believe this is due to biology, mostly. I think a lot of what we call "chemistry" is our bodies sending "Deploy NRE! Dump Oxytocin! Cue the endorphine machine! Go, go, go!" signals...probably because he's a good candidate for reproduction, I guess. But if the high is good, I'll chase the experience. I think that Zen got a long way into this before we ever had sex, through impact play. There was a moment in November of 2015 at a party, where he had just sent me soaring into subspace and he stepped up behind me and pressed his body against me and held me and I smelled his sweat and I WANTED him. To this day, I love his scent, it's almost slightly intoxicating. I feel like I get a little buzz from smelling him.
- From that point if it goes as I described above, I can proceed into NRE and love-bonding.
Alternately, I can have the shallower connections based more on affirmation and social feedback, that cause me to have fond, affectionate feelings for friends...but not necessarily to want sex with them. In those situations, sex just doesn't matter. It's unimportant, irrelevant. When muggles insist I need to worry about it as some sort of a threat to my relationship, I feel VERY annoyed. Don't bring that in here, it doesn't belong. It's stupid. They'll insist that the men are thinking it, and I couldn't care less what they are thinking, I can manage my boundaries just fine.
Now looking at all of this thought process, I wonder if the whole not trusting of friends and sex as some kind of inevitability and jealousy and control behavior...is this a result of some social framing of situations through the male perspective, or giving more weight to the male perspective? Why would a man's desire to have sex with his female friend carry more weight than her desire to have a friend and not have sex with him? Why are his wishes given this gravity of "the way things are" and inevitability? I mean, I am assuming we're taking sexual consent violations out of consideration here. I just don't think that a man's desire or intentions must constitute some sort of threat, among civilized people. A guy is not going to convince me if I'm not open to being convinced.
Anyhow, I find it all interesting stuff to ponder.
I think I'm in a minority, feeling that way. Most people said, if you "see red flags" then you are justified in snooping, you have to find out the truth. Or "trust, but verify." I just feel this whole approach puts partners at odds with one another, when one sees one as a villain or opponent or enemy. The minute you're not on the same team anymore, you've got bigger problems. But then most of the posters there see everyone of the opposite gender as opponents or enemies anyways. Not very healthy if you ask me.
Also of course there is the fact that I'm still a bit poly in my thinking, when it comes to relationship ethics. In other words, the act of cheating isn't a betrayal so much because my partner had sex with another person, it's because they hid it, lied about it. It's the deception where the real wrong lies, for me.
So then I was also contemplating how many people think that avoiding sex is difficult, but avoiding feelings is easy. Or feelings are scarier than sex. That kind of thing. I feel the opposite. They will say that if a woman is friends with a man, well, she shouldn't be unless she means to have sex with him, because it's almost inevitable. I completely disagree with that. Avoiding sex is the easiest thing in the world. Guess the fact that I don't drink or do drugs helps, I'm never in a state of compromised judgment. My mind is always clear enough to say no. I remember attempted trysts in high school...once you find someone who wants to have sex with you, the next part and possibly the harder one is to find the OPPORTUNITY to make it happen. A private space and enough time. So preventing sex with a male friend who wants that from me, is as simple as denying him opportunities. That's part of how I handle Supernova. Practically every time I've ever seen me, he's propositioned me for sex in some way, but it's in public, so he can only go so far. If I said yes, he'd probably go for it, but I think there's safety (for him) to play around with the flirtation because he doesn't expect me to. It becomes this sort of running inside joke kind of thing. It's fun social behavior, it amuses and flatters me, seems to amuse him, and he's welcome to stop anytime he wants if he feels he's "wasting his time" (as the forum guys like to say.) But we do have a legit underlying friendship and respect. I don't think he'd ever violate my consent, but I still feel it's safer not to be in private situations with him. Easy boundary.
Another thing that I find interesting that has cropped up in conversations with Old Wolf, and in those forums, is the idea that people are attracted to someone just from laying eyes on them and finding them good looking. That's never been true for me. I won't know if someone is even a potential candidate until I've had conversation with them. There was a guy that I saw online when I was first getting into fetlife and the community, and I thought he was hot...until I met him in person and had a bit of conversation. *poof!* Attraction gone. He's still a good looking man, but his voice or his interests...he struck me as hopelessly immature, even though he's my own age. Zen...had I passed him on the street, I wouldn't have done a double-take (he is very normal looking, sort of blends in)...but after we talked, especially in private where he relaxed and showed me who he was...I fell more and more in love with him, and my attraction and desire for him increased.
I can lay eyes on someone and think they look good, but real attraction simply does not exist until we've connected.
Yet when I am partnered with someone, I find it VERY easy to switch off attraction for other people. I still notice they look nice, I still enjoy their company and connections, I still might develop feelings for them or want to be snuggly or affectionate. But the desire to actually have sex, I can link to one person...to where my sex life with them specifically defines my sexuality itself, my very sexual identity. And at that point, I have no temptation to have sex with other people. It simply does not exist. I was like that with Old Wolf, even though I had no passion for him and didn't really want to have sex with him. I was still in "committed mode" and instead of still having the ability to desire people, just not him, I lost my desire for all sex with anyone. It was simply off.
We've got all of these words nowadays, I don't know if any of this makes me sapiosexual or demisexual or what, but it's just how my psychosexual mechanisms operate.
It's like a screening process.
- From first sight, do they meet minimum standard, does the idea of being intimate with them completely make me go "nope"? If they check out...
- Conversation. Do they have mannerisms, behaviors, voice, that switches me off? Values? Do we have things in common, connection points? During this phase I'm evaluating words & nonverbal cues. If they check out...
- Sex talk. I might do sex talk with anyone, whether or not I'm interested in them, I find it easy. But as part of a screening process, I need to find out if habits and desires and kinks are compatible. Supernova could be used as an example here, as I met him before I stopped being poly, but he failed this part. He told me he is well endowed, that he is into primal sex, and that he loves to have brief intense affairs that end while it's still hot. Every bit of that is a great big nope for me. I know I wouldn't enjoy him, and I didn't have to get naked to find that out. But if a prospect under my consideration passes this screening phase, and I'm available...
- Proceed to green lighting and onward to sex. After I have sex with someone, I can tell immediately if I ever want to again. I believe this is due to biology, mostly. I think a lot of what we call "chemistry" is our bodies sending "Deploy NRE! Dump Oxytocin! Cue the endorphine machine! Go, go, go!" signals...probably because he's a good candidate for reproduction, I guess. But if the high is good, I'll chase the experience. I think that Zen got a long way into this before we ever had sex, through impact play. There was a moment in November of 2015 at a party, where he had just sent me soaring into subspace and he stepped up behind me and pressed his body against me and held me and I smelled his sweat and I WANTED him. To this day, I love his scent, it's almost slightly intoxicating. I feel like I get a little buzz from smelling him.
- From that point if it goes as I described above, I can proceed into NRE and love-bonding.
Alternately, I can have the shallower connections based more on affirmation and social feedback, that cause me to have fond, affectionate feelings for friends...but not necessarily to want sex with them. In those situations, sex just doesn't matter. It's unimportant, irrelevant. When muggles insist I need to worry about it as some sort of a threat to my relationship, I feel VERY annoyed. Don't bring that in here, it doesn't belong. It's stupid. They'll insist that the men are thinking it, and I couldn't care less what they are thinking, I can manage my boundaries just fine.
Now looking at all of this thought process, I wonder if the whole not trusting of friends and sex as some kind of inevitability and jealousy and control behavior...is this a result of some social framing of situations through the male perspective, or giving more weight to the male perspective? Why would a man's desire to have sex with his female friend carry more weight than her desire to have a friend and not have sex with him? Why are his wishes given this gravity of "the way things are" and inevitability? I mean, I am assuming we're taking sexual consent violations out of consideration here. I just don't think that a man's desire or intentions must constitute some sort of threat, among civilized people. A guy is not going to convince me if I'm not open to being convinced.
Anyhow, I find it all interesting stuff to ponder.
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Spork
Active member
I have as a friend on Facebook, a reporter from Richmond, VA who has covered some GWAR news in the past. He is, as I put it, in the category of hundreds of people ranging from close friends to those I barely know, "GWAR People."
He's been posting today that he is visiting Colorado Springs, getting his daughter settled into a new house here. I actually think it's down in the area where Old Wolf's house is at, based on the photos of the mountain views he posted. He visited, with her, some of the tourist attractions like Garden of the Gods park. He commented repeatedly on how friendly and nice and outgoing people are here, and what a contrast to the mean spirited activity going on in his home state of Virginia right now. I had to say that yes, having lived in VA, OH, IA, WA and now here, that people here are the nicest, friendliest, most happy, healthy, drama-free people I have ever had the pleasure to share a city with, on the balance. Not everyone of course, but most. I'd rate this the most socially healthy city I've ever been in, hands down. It's not just the kink community either, it's just people. My coworkers, neighbors, many friends. I love it here.
Then I accidentally touched his profile pic on my phone and it whisked me over to his page, and I noticed it said he was "from" Oceanside, CA which is where I was born. What a coincidence, another person originally from Oceanside, who has lived in Virginia and is now physically here...though I don't tend to say I'm "from" CA since I left as a baby and never lived there. And I live here and he's only visiting. But still. Feels small-worldish.
He's been posting today that he is visiting Colorado Springs, getting his daughter settled into a new house here. I actually think it's down in the area where Old Wolf's house is at, based on the photos of the mountain views he posted. He visited, with her, some of the tourist attractions like Garden of the Gods park. He commented repeatedly on how friendly and nice and outgoing people are here, and what a contrast to the mean spirited activity going on in his home state of Virginia right now. I had to say that yes, having lived in VA, OH, IA, WA and now here, that people here are the nicest, friendliest, most happy, healthy, drama-free people I have ever had the pleasure to share a city with, on the balance. Not everyone of course, but most. I'd rate this the most socially healthy city I've ever been in, hands down. It's not just the kink community either, it's just people. My coworkers, neighbors, many friends. I love it here.
Then I accidentally touched his profile pic on my phone and it whisked me over to his page, and I noticed it said he was "from" Oceanside, CA which is where I was born. What a coincidence, another person originally from Oceanside, who has lived in Virginia and is now physically here...though I don't tend to say I'm "from" CA since I left as a baby and never lived there. And I live here and he's only visiting. But still. Feels small-worldish.
Spork
Active member
I'm a little conflicted this morning! I reserved a storage unit, and I am feeling antsy to get crackin' on the packin' and move a bunch of my stuff in there, start really working on making this move a reality. But there was a possibility of seeing Zen after he gets off work tonight, and I would like to do that, too. Mmm...Zen. I dunno. I sent him an email, I'll just go with whatever he wants to do. I should be able to get some stuff rolling before he'd be off work anyways.
Nothing exciting happened yesterday really. I had to do some grocery shopping and I'm annoyed that I'm running a bit over-budget, but it should not impair my ability to get deposits together and move. Seems like ~something~ always happens. Like I tell myself, that ok maybe I went over-budget because I went to a convention, or had vehicle repairs done, or bought bedding for the family that lost a baby, or bought school supplies and clothes for Q...but NEXT week...next week I'll do better. And then something else comes up. No matter where I put my number for my budget, there is always something that comes along and pushes it. It's always been that way and it's annoying. Like if I adjusted my budget to expect to spend more money, I'd spend even more than that. It is good that I track my finances so meticulously that I can see where my money goes and all, but I still feel like I could be doing better. And every time I spend even a little on myself, I feel guilty about it...*sigh*...there is a song, by an old GWAR side project, DBX (Dave Brockie Experience) called "Damn That Money" and it describes how I feel about all that pretty well.
But I do remember what it was like when I was a lot more poor, when I was in a constant state of want. I have learned a bit of wisdom in that if I want something today, and I put off buying it, there's a good chance I'll look at it in a week or so and say, "What was I thinking, I really don't need that right now." So it helps keep me in check. I'm not in as much a state of "scarcity thinking" which really screws poor people. Where you want everything you can't afford so darn bad that the minute you get any extra money at all, you blow it at light speed on all the wants you've been clinging to. I've learned to let go of the idea that I need or want things so very badly.
My trip to Michael's this week was a good example of that. They have their Halloween stuff out, and a lot of it is SO COOL. I used to be pretty passionate about decorating my house for Halloween every year. I had tons of cool tombstones and props and stuff, and awesome lighting and fog effects. It was great! And they have a light thing, that is an LED with a moving lens over it that creates this distorted vortex of green, blue, and purple light that swirls around on a wall or whatever. It is $30. When I saw it, I wanted it a LOT. But when I went there with my 50% off coupon I was like...yanno...I better hold off on this, I'm not sure when or if I would really use it. Let's wait on that and look for something I'd DEFINITELY need and use. So I got the markers, which I know what I can do with, I can make art that I could probably sell (especially if I get some prints done) they are really good pro art supplies. They're a good investment. I might feel a bit cringy over spending $30 on myself, but it made more sense than spending money on a cool, but ultimately not that useful, light thing. A toy, essentially. Maybe at some point in the future. Maybe the Halloween stuff will get more deeply discounted right after the holiday passes. But today I don't need a swirly vortex. And my desire for it might very well wane, if I wait.
See, this whole business...I used to be completely confident in my financial skills. But looking back, while I had the knowledge, I didn't always exercise restraint in my actions. And now that I'm trying to forge forward without the guy I spent so many years with, I have struggled with a lot of doubt in my ability to make choices wisely and do ok on my own. I know I have Zen now, but it's probably going to be a while before I feel comfortable leaning on him as I used to lean on Old Wolf. (Maybe never, as perhaps the ex and I leaned too much on each other in codependent and unhealthy ways really.) Today, I still don't want to "impose" on Zen, though. I want to not create problems that become his problems. I want to bring only good to his life if I can. I know...that isn't realistically how life and relationships work. You share the good and the bad, the benefits and the problems...but I want to make what I bring look like a good deal that is worth Zen's time and effort to be a part of. I feel like I've got something to prove, but I'm not sure who I'm really trying to prove what to. Myself, maybe.
I'm not quite a mess, I think I'm doing better than that, but I'm sure still figuring things out.
Q is maybe 60-70% through the first of two books he was supposed to have read by Friday. I don't think he's going to make it. But he is reading "Brave New World" and yeah, I warned him that is a weird book. He is a little horrified that he's having to read it FOR SCHOOL. Given the adult content (which I warned him about) that is in it. lol I actually thought it was a pretty cool book compared to most that they had us read in public schools. But then...I like weird stuff.
Nothing exciting happened yesterday really. I had to do some grocery shopping and I'm annoyed that I'm running a bit over-budget, but it should not impair my ability to get deposits together and move. Seems like ~something~ always happens. Like I tell myself, that ok maybe I went over-budget because I went to a convention, or had vehicle repairs done, or bought bedding for the family that lost a baby, or bought school supplies and clothes for Q...but NEXT week...next week I'll do better. And then something else comes up. No matter where I put my number for my budget, there is always something that comes along and pushes it. It's always been that way and it's annoying. Like if I adjusted my budget to expect to spend more money, I'd spend even more than that. It is good that I track my finances so meticulously that I can see where my money goes and all, but I still feel like I could be doing better. And every time I spend even a little on myself, I feel guilty about it...*sigh*...there is a song, by an old GWAR side project, DBX (Dave Brockie Experience) called "Damn That Money" and it describes how I feel about all that pretty well.
But I do remember what it was like when I was a lot more poor, when I was in a constant state of want. I have learned a bit of wisdom in that if I want something today, and I put off buying it, there's a good chance I'll look at it in a week or so and say, "What was I thinking, I really don't need that right now." So it helps keep me in check. I'm not in as much a state of "scarcity thinking" which really screws poor people. Where you want everything you can't afford so darn bad that the minute you get any extra money at all, you blow it at light speed on all the wants you've been clinging to. I've learned to let go of the idea that I need or want things so very badly.
My trip to Michael's this week was a good example of that. They have their Halloween stuff out, and a lot of it is SO COOL. I used to be pretty passionate about decorating my house for Halloween every year. I had tons of cool tombstones and props and stuff, and awesome lighting and fog effects. It was great! And they have a light thing, that is an LED with a moving lens over it that creates this distorted vortex of green, blue, and purple light that swirls around on a wall or whatever. It is $30. When I saw it, I wanted it a LOT. But when I went there with my 50% off coupon I was like...yanno...I better hold off on this, I'm not sure when or if I would really use it. Let's wait on that and look for something I'd DEFINITELY need and use. So I got the markers, which I know what I can do with, I can make art that I could probably sell (especially if I get some prints done) they are really good pro art supplies. They're a good investment. I might feel a bit cringy over spending $30 on myself, but it made more sense than spending money on a cool, but ultimately not that useful, light thing. A toy, essentially. Maybe at some point in the future. Maybe the Halloween stuff will get more deeply discounted right after the holiday passes. But today I don't need a swirly vortex. And my desire for it might very well wane, if I wait.
See, this whole business...I used to be completely confident in my financial skills. But looking back, while I had the knowledge, I didn't always exercise restraint in my actions. And now that I'm trying to forge forward without the guy I spent so many years with, I have struggled with a lot of doubt in my ability to make choices wisely and do ok on my own. I know I have Zen now, but it's probably going to be a while before I feel comfortable leaning on him as I used to lean on Old Wolf. (Maybe never, as perhaps the ex and I leaned too much on each other in codependent and unhealthy ways really.) Today, I still don't want to "impose" on Zen, though. I want to not create problems that become his problems. I want to bring only good to his life if I can. I know...that isn't realistically how life and relationships work. You share the good and the bad, the benefits and the problems...but I want to make what I bring look like a good deal that is worth Zen's time and effort to be a part of. I feel like I've got something to prove, but I'm not sure who I'm really trying to prove what to. Myself, maybe.
I'm not quite a mess, I think I'm doing better than that, but I'm sure still figuring things out.
Q is maybe 60-70% through the first of two books he was supposed to have read by Friday. I don't think he's going to make it. But he is reading "Brave New World" and yeah, I warned him that is a weird book. He is a little horrified that he's having to read it FOR SCHOOL. Given the adult content (which I warned him about) that is in it. lol I actually thought it was a pretty cool book compared to most that they had us read in public schools. But then...I like weird stuff.
Brave new world is a cool book. Although in school they rather made us read 1984. This kind of sci-fi/dystopia is pretty important I think.
I just remembered my first encounters with adult stuff - through a scifi magazine. I was like 11-12 and kids didn't have their own computers yet, so no internet adult stuff reached me before that (maybe also because frankly, I was quite disinterested). I remember finding the scenes rather weird, didn't identify with much of it - except for one bdsm/rape scene which took me a little by surprise
. It did no harm. I asked my mom (who was the one buying the magazine) later if she was concerned giving it to me, she said I read so much that she really didn't know what to offer me anymore
Of course, Q is a big boy, so I'm sure his teachers know he can handle a weird scene or two
Spork
Active member
Brave new world is a cool book. Although in school they rather made us read 1984. This kind of sci-fi/dystopia is pretty important I think.
I just remembered my first encounters with adult stuff - through a scifi magazine. I was like 11-12 and kids didn't have their own computers yet, so no internet adult stuff reached me before that (maybe also because frankly, I was quite disinterested). I remember finding the scenes rather weird, didn't identify with much of it - except for one bdsm/rape scene which took me a little by surprise
It did no harm. I asked my mom (who was the one buying the magazine) later if she was concerned giving it to me, she said I read so much that she really didn't know what to offer me anymore
Of course, Q is a big boy, so I'm sure his teachers know he can handle a weird scene or two
He'll figure it out. It's just kind of funny to me, by the time I was his age, my sexual partner count was well into the double-digits. I remember vaguely when I was a little girl though, being at a sitter's house overnight, and she left me in the living room with cable TV and permission to watch TV as late as I wanted. And I found this weird animated film with a half naked woman flying around on a plucked chicken, and some kind of orb... I grew up half thinking I'd imagined the whole thing, until I found out later it was the classic, inspired by the magazine series, "Heavy Metal."
It wasn't long after, maybe about age 10-11 that I read the "Clan of the Cave Bear" series. I don't think my parents knew what kind of content was in those books! I was like, sure, she talks about sex and the adventure is cool, but my god does she need to spend a chapter explaining the composition of the dirt?? I know the word, "loess" because of those books, to this day. It's a fancy word for some kind of dirt. Don't ask me how it's pronounced, I couldn't tell ya.
Later after my parents split up, my mother gave me "International Male" catalogs, with muscly male underwear models. I cut out several of them and hung them on my wall. Not because I thought they were really all that sexy or hot, but because I was trying to learn to draw figures. My stepmother freaked out and pulled them all down and threw them away. I was about 12 or 13 then. She also took the door off my room and would time me when I was in the bathroom because she was afraid of what I might be doing given five minutes of privacy.
I can't even imagine raising a kid like that. All freaked out that they will inevitably become adults, sexuality and all. Trying to burden them with all sorts of shame and baggage about it, or to protect or shield them from it. To me it's almost cruel, or at least it's a form of madness, trying to hold back the inevitable or pretend it doesn't exist.
The odd thing is that while I have brought up my boys, exposing them to GWAR concerts and encouraging them to play musical instruments, willing to buy them cool clothes, willing to talk about sex with them (if they are comfortable, which honestly...I'm still Mom so often enough they aren't)...somehow these boys are a couple of gamer nerds, they aren't punks, skaters or metalheads, they don't do drugs (thank god) they don't set things on fire (thank god) and neither one of them is getting laid, although my older son HAS, his taste in girls has left something to be desired. Point being neither of them is even a little bit as wild, rebellious, or adventurous as I was as a teenager. Give 'em all the freedom in the world and what do they do? Sit and play video games. When I was their age, I would have been learning the bus system, going all over town, and getting into all kinds of trouble. Not these boys.
I'm both disappointed and relieved, all at the same time, to be honest.
I have often wondered if the fact that they cannot really shock their parents, is why they never really tried?
Or maybe today's video games are just that good.
Spork
Active member
Oh my goodness...
I am very hungry. I also am very...well, I want my Zen. I have many hungry hungers. And I have to run home and check in with Q, who started school today, and grab my overnight bag before I can go be with Zen and get food, or sex, or anything...and I was asked if I'm coming to Game Night at the club and I want to go to Game Night at the club, but I also want food and sex. I am going to try to do all the things and I'll just have to let you guys know how that works out, I guess. I need to be able to clone myself....
And I'm nearly done reading "Master Han's Daughter"...what a good book! I mean, if you're into futuristic Japanese Shadowrun inspired kinksmut. Midori wrote it. It's pretty cool. Very, very graphic start to finish though, but in the most inventive of ways.
So dammit, I'll have to figure myself out, and in 17 minutes the starting pistol fires, I'm off work, and I'll be dashing home and then dashing to Zen's. Maybe we can just be late to Game Night... I want to take some of our board games, not Cards Against Humanity, we always play that and I'm getting bored with it.
Did I mention I'm hungry? I have eaten nothing but chocolate chip cookies today. My brain isn't right.
Tomorrow is Leather Night at the club and then Sunday I've got a Hypnosis thing there from 5 to 7 and I'm hurrying home for Game of Thrones omg Game of Thrones...it's gonna be great. I was also wrong about the scheduling of another party that I thought conflicted with the season finale but it doesn't, it's on a Tuesday so that's good.
Trying to think about my calendar when I have low blood sugar. It's probably not a very good idea. Aggh! Maybe we could have food and sex at the same time...just keep the french fries coming, yeah...that's it...
I am very hungry. I also am very...well, I want my Zen. I have many hungry hungers. And I have to run home and check in with Q, who started school today, and grab my overnight bag before I can go be with Zen and get food, or sex, or anything...and I was asked if I'm coming to Game Night at the club and I want to go to Game Night at the club, but I also want food and sex. I am going to try to do all the things and I'll just have to let you guys know how that works out, I guess. I need to be able to clone myself....
And I'm nearly done reading "Master Han's Daughter"...what a good book! I mean, if you're into futuristic Japanese Shadowrun inspired kinksmut. Midori wrote it. It's pretty cool. Very, very graphic start to finish though, but in the most inventive of ways.
So dammit, I'll have to figure myself out, and in 17 minutes the starting pistol fires, I'm off work, and I'll be dashing home and then dashing to Zen's. Maybe we can just be late to Game Night... I want to take some of our board games, not Cards Against Humanity, we always play that and I'm getting bored with it.
Did I mention I'm hungry? I have eaten nothing but chocolate chip cookies today. My brain isn't right.
Tomorrow is Leather Night at the club and then Sunday I've got a Hypnosis thing there from 5 to 7 and I'm hurrying home for Game of Thrones omg Game of Thrones...it's gonna be great. I was also wrong about the scheduling of another party that I thought conflicted with the season finale but it doesn't, it's on a Tuesday so that's good.
Trying to think about my calendar when I have low blood sugar. It's probably not a very good idea. Aggh! Maybe we could have food and sex at the same time...just keep the french fries coming, yeah...that's it...
Spork
Active member
Well, Friday I got to Zen's place and I was all over the place with wanting food and sex and also to go to Game Night...there simply wasn't going to be time for all of the things. We got food and went to Game Night, and sex waited for Saturday. Game Night was a lot of fun! We took some board games, but when we got there most of the people in the room were playing a game called "Fibbage2". It's played on a platform called Jackbox, which I guess you buy the game bundle for any of several platforms that connect to the TV, and then everyone who wants to play connects with their smartphones (which is really easy) in order to enter their answers. It asks a trivia question, and everyone inputs false answers (lies)...which can be anything from plausible answers to the question, to outright silliness...and then they're all revealed and we all had to choose what we thought might be the right answer (or just our favorite ridiculous one, as some did) and you get points for answering the question correctly, and points for every player who chooses your lie. I'm apparently pretty darn good at it, I won a few rounds in a row. I wasn't always putting in believable answers either, some of them I put in there were just horrible gross stupid humor. Zen was a little shocked with a couple of things I came up with, but he ought to know that somewhere in the back of my brain is all kinds of Beavis & Butthead and GWAR inspired awfulness. So if I couldn't think of a plausible lie to fool people with, I just fell back on that. And a couple of players chose my answers just for being very entertaining. Better still there were rounds that had us absolutely in stitches laughing so hard. Frankly, for me, that's the real payoff. I need to find a way to get this game at home...without paying for a subscription platform service to run it on, like Xbox Gold...I dropped that a while back, my boys can game on their computers. I guess you can get it on Steam, so if I run a machine that connects to the TV, that would work. I need to tinker with my old PC that I built back in 2010...it has an issue where it doesn't turn on when I push the button, but if I then leave it alone and walk away, there's a chance it'll come on later of its own accord, or it might not. I don't know if the problem is in the motherboard or the power supply or what. But I wonder if I could cheaply gut it and rebuild it with cheap parts and make a media tower out of it, capable of streaming to a TV and not a heck of a lot else. The only thing I find to be kind of a nuisance about doing that is that you still have to interface using a keyboard and a mouse, when I'd prefer a TV remote.
So anyhow, that was Friday night. Saturday morning, Zen and I woke up and had sex, like we tend to do. I warned him that I am prone to falling into routines. This is something I get concerned about. Old Wolf used to complain that sex got "boring" with me (granted, he wasn't doing anything to make it more interesting either)... I find it all too easy with a longterm partner, to just want to do the things that I know feel good, and take a "if it's not broken, don't fix it" attitude. I am sensitive to the worry of becoming boring to my partner. I enjoy routines of sexual behavior, I can be very satisfied with that...but I worry about my partner being happy with what we are doing; it's very important to me that Zen find some kind of satisfaction in our sex life, and he often puts my needs way, way ahead of his own. I'm not unwilling to do more adventurous things, just often enough I fail to initiate them. You know, sometimes I think I'm just lazy. Zen can be lazy too, but not when it comes to sex.
And I brought up half a dozen things we could do with our time on Saturday, but we didn't end up doing most of them...they were just ideas. We didn't end up getting into Zen's crawlspace because it was stupid hot out and the wasps were out buzzing around. Decided it would be better to wait until an evening when they'd all gone home. Considered swimming in the pool, and a couple of other possibilities...wound up taking a nap instead. And more sex. And we played a board game, but I was out of it and not feeling very focused, and it was my first time playing so Zen trounced me. Though really he's just quite good at the game anyhow. I'll have to work at it a lot harder if I'm ever going to beat him, but it's a fun game. (Settlers of Catan)
Went to the party at Voodoo that night. I made a lot of people very happy by bringing pizza. Zen and I had our impact scene, which was lovely for the most part except that towards the end I was struggling to breathe and that was a little distracting. I was lying face-down on a table, and it is allergy season, so my nose just wasn't cooperating. Still, had fun anyhow.
Got annoyed with my children over the weekend, because they were fussing at each other, and my older son Ninja got mad at a videogame and punched his computer monitor and broke it. Again. That kid just shouldn't play electronic games, ever. He doesn't have a violent temper under any other circumstances, he just suffers from a complete loss of control over himself when it comes to game-rage. I could find him a cheap replacement, but I want him to suffer for a while. He has also broken his phone, so he has no way to communicate with anybody to set up any of the social things he wants to do, and I'm making him suffer that fact at least until he reads the driver's manual through and passes the written test for his learner's permit, I think. Seems a fair way to handle the situation. I know he'll need a computer and phone for job hunting, college planning, and other important stuff...but I am tired of having to pay to replace his broken devices. Even though I'm at the point where I only buy the cheapest of possible replacements.
Yesterday, I got some stuff done at home, ran some errands, and went to the Hypnosis meetup down at the club. I really don't care that much about the erotic hypnosis stuff, but I love the people in that group (Fire, Hefe, Reecy, and others) so I wanted to be there to see them mostly. And there is that ASMR state which I believe is a free-form sort of hypnosis, which I do love. That's not so much about someone getting you into trance and then doing all of this mental programming and suggesting...it's just more about getting into this euphoric and blissful, trance state. For me, the right kind of sensory input can put me there. The proper sorts of white noise, or someone speaking words I'm not trying to make sense of in a certain cadence, especially if it's coupled with a light repetitive touch... I've really been tempted to go pay a palm reader, just to induce me to this state. So I have a peripheral sort of interest.
Then back home for Game of Thrones. The big plot point of last night, which I will not spoil by describing but anyone who saw it knows, involving the strength of the Night King and his forces...is something I have totally been predicting since almost the very beginning of the show. But then...I totally played World of Warcraft for a while, and I have kinda always thought of him as a "Lich King" so...yeah.
It was an alright weekend. And today is the big eclipse, which despite how it's a "once in many lifetimes" sort of event, I simply don't care that much about. *shrug*
So anyhow, that was Friday night. Saturday morning, Zen and I woke up and had sex, like we tend to do. I warned him that I am prone to falling into routines. This is something I get concerned about. Old Wolf used to complain that sex got "boring" with me (granted, he wasn't doing anything to make it more interesting either)... I find it all too easy with a longterm partner, to just want to do the things that I know feel good, and take a "if it's not broken, don't fix it" attitude. I am sensitive to the worry of becoming boring to my partner. I enjoy routines of sexual behavior, I can be very satisfied with that...but I worry about my partner being happy with what we are doing; it's very important to me that Zen find some kind of satisfaction in our sex life, and he often puts my needs way, way ahead of his own. I'm not unwilling to do more adventurous things, just often enough I fail to initiate them. You know, sometimes I think I'm just lazy. Zen can be lazy too, but not when it comes to sex.
And I brought up half a dozen things we could do with our time on Saturday, but we didn't end up doing most of them...they were just ideas. We didn't end up getting into Zen's crawlspace because it was stupid hot out and the wasps were out buzzing around. Decided it would be better to wait until an evening when they'd all gone home. Considered swimming in the pool, and a couple of other possibilities...wound up taking a nap instead. And more sex. And we played a board game, but I was out of it and not feeling very focused, and it was my first time playing so Zen trounced me. Though really he's just quite good at the game anyhow. I'll have to work at it a lot harder if I'm ever going to beat him, but it's a fun game. (Settlers of Catan)
Went to the party at Voodoo that night. I made a lot of people very happy by bringing pizza. Zen and I had our impact scene, which was lovely for the most part except that towards the end I was struggling to breathe and that was a little distracting. I was lying face-down on a table, and it is allergy season, so my nose just wasn't cooperating. Still, had fun anyhow.
Got annoyed with my children over the weekend, because they were fussing at each other, and my older son Ninja got mad at a videogame and punched his computer monitor and broke it. Again. That kid just shouldn't play electronic games, ever. He doesn't have a violent temper under any other circumstances, he just suffers from a complete loss of control over himself when it comes to game-rage. I could find him a cheap replacement, but I want him to suffer for a while. He has also broken his phone, so he has no way to communicate with anybody to set up any of the social things he wants to do, and I'm making him suffer that fact at least until he reads the driver's manual through and passes the written test for his learner's permit, I think. Seems a fair way to handle the situation. I know he'll need a computer and phone for job hunting, college planning, and other important stuff...but I am tired of having to pay to replace his broken devices. Even though I'm at the point where I only buy the cheapest of possible replacements.
Yesterday, I got some stuff done at home, ran some errands, and went to the Hypnosis meetup down at the club. I really don't care that much about the erotic hypnosis stuff, but I love the people in that group (Fire, Hefe, Reecy, and others) so I wanted to be there to see them mostly. And there is that ASMR state which I believe is a free-form sort of hypnosis, which I do love. That's not so much about someone getting you into trance and then doing all of this mental programming and suggesting...it's just more about getting into this euphoric and blissful, trance state. For me, the right kind of sensory input can put me there. The proper sorts of white noise, or someone speaking words I'm not trying to make sense of in a certain cadence, especially if it's coupled with a light repetitive touch... I've really been tempted to go pay a palm reader, just to induce me to this state. So I have a peripheral sort of interest.
Then back home for Game of Thrones. The big plot point of last night, which I will not spoil by describing but anyone who saw it knows, involving the strength of the Night King and his forces...is something I have totally been predicting since almost the very beginning of the show. But then...I totally played World of Warcraft for a while, and I have kinda always thought of him as a "Lich King" so...yeah.
It was an alright weekend. And today is the big eclipse, which despite how it's a "once in many lifetimes" sort of event, I simply don't care that much about. *shrug*
Spork
Active member
So the eclipse happened. I was out running errands, and it got all dim. Ish. Saw loads of people staring at the sun with no eye protection. I had on my ballcap, and I quickly made a glancing glance and saw nothing but the glaring brightness of a normal looking sun, took a picture with my phone and the same, so I was like...well...nothing to see here, I guess. (We didn't have "totality" anyways) but then when I got back to work a woman had the special glasses and she let me use them for a moment, so I got to see the little orange fingernail clipping. Woohoo. Thinking now of all the people who were trying to stare directly at the freaking sun when your bare eyes probably can't see it properly anyways, you're just hurting yourself for no reason. Um, Trump. Idiot. Whatever. My eyeballs are just fine.
I was like...first there was the Perseid meteor shower, now this eclipse, we're like a bunch of cosmic tourists here on Earth, aren't we? Aliens would hate us. I wonder what Douglas Adams would say...
So my younger son is trying to cope with Honors class hell. And my older son... His on-again/off-again girlfriend/friend-girl has started college at UCCS, which has a campus a mile and a half from our apartment. He walked there yesterday trying to connect with her to watch the eclipse or something, and I don't know that he found her, but he said the campus is stupid huge. And his sneakers are blown out (I need to find him new shoes tonight) and he intends to walk the 3 miles there and back every day to try and see her. He got blisters yesterday and has every intention of doing it again today. She's not even willing to date him right now, but I think he's hopelessly attached to her. We had a conversation last night...I said, "You know, it's odd to me, to think about you and your brother and what I was up to at your ages. When I was your brother's age, I was skipping school, having tons of sex, and doing pot and acid and smoking cigarettes. Your brother is just now trying to figure out how to even talk to girls. When I was your age, I'd met your Dad and that relationship had begun. Let me ask you, if you met a 29 year old woman and she wanted to be in a lifelong relationship with you right now, would you be ready to commit to something like that?" He said, "Hell no. I mean, first of all I can't imagine being with anyone but <girl> but besides, if some 29 year old wanted to be with me I think that'd be a little creepy."
Just reinforces my thinking that an 18 year old is still basically a KID and Old Wolf trying to lock me into the relationship shape that met his needs despite the many times I tried to tell him with my words and my actions that I was not ready for it...that did not matter one bit to him. I was young and hot and made him feel young, and the rest would just have to get in line one way or another. I was just as helpless at living as an adult as my son is, now. What Old Wolf did was....kind of predatory. And not in any sort of a good way. Age differences are not always problematic, but when a fully matured and grown adult tries to establish a lasting relationship with a person who is NOT done cooking yet... I've said before, and I'll say it again...I really believe that a casual but consensual and protected sexual tryst between a 60 year old and a 16 year old is less problematic than a 29 year old trying to lock in a longterm relationship or marriage with an 18 year old. Even if the sex ends up being regrettable somehow, so long as no disease or pregnancy results, you can move on from that with limited or no damage done. But a long relationship can cause serious baggage and damage and change to a person. Yet I guess I'm still glad sometimes, because I'm glad I got to do the Mom thing and I'm glad I got it out of the way young.
It's just kind of interesting to put things in perspective now that my kids are the ages that they are. Ninja is legally an adult, but he isn't really an adult. Not yet. And I wasn't either at his age.
So I didn't get much done after work yesterday, but during the day I did find a go-phone for Ninja to replace his broken phone, for about $20, and a used computer monitor from Goodwill for $18. From now on, if I'm replacing a device that one of my sons broke through carelessness, or worse, game rage, I will not spend more than about $20 doing it. They will get cheap junk, and they'll have to deal with it, and they'll wait for me to buy said replacements at my own convenience. Honestly it blows my mind a little bit that you can get what amounts to a handheld computer (a smartphone) even if the specs aren't amazing, it's still a functional Android 4G smartphone, for $20 brand new. At Best Buy.
I really need to find a company that buys really busted electronics to recycle the bits. Even if they don't give much, I'm getting buried in computer parts and broken phones and game controllers and other junk. There has to be stuff going into these circuit boards that is worth recycling. Or I suppose I could demolish them and make art with the bits. There's an idea...
Great. Another art idea...like I needed more of those... lol
Oh my god, I could glue the parts to 2 dimensional surfaces to make sculptural art of like naked people made of computer bits...think of all the adhesives I could use...
Anyways. So I figured out how to get Fibbage2 (and the other games in that bundle) up and running at home, without spending money on a subscription service or another hardware platform, but just using what we had. I got Q's old PS3 out of my closet (he'd been thinking about selling it, but I didn't really want to, the used game stores don't give you much for them and it still works well)...and since PS3's connection to Playstation Network is free, I could get in there and get it going and just buy the games. I didn't mind spending a little money on the games ($25 for like five or six different party games) but I did not want to have to drop more on something like an Amazon Fire TV platform or one of the other systems to run it on. Ninja and I played a few rounds of Fibbage. He was NOT surprised at my sense of humor.
And I spotted a townhome on the rental market that might be a good fit for Zen and I moving in together. It's a 3 bedroom with a full finished basement (and should have a bathroom in the basement) with 1800 square feet of living space. It's available 9/7, which is in the right ballpark for us, since the earliest I could do a lease would be 9/8. I really need to contact the management and set up a time to go see it ASAP, since this market moves fast. If the space and the upkeep is suitable to our needs, the price is right, it's one of few I have seen that is under $1300/month...
I was like...first there was the Perseid meteor shower, now this eclipse, we're like a bunch of cosmic tourists here on Earth, aren't we? Aliens would hate us. I wonder what Douglas Adams would say...
So my younger son is trying to cope with Honors class hell. And my older son... His on-again/off-again girlfriend/friend-girl has started college at UCCS, which has a campus a mile and a half from our apartment. He walked there yesterday trying to connect with her to watch the eclipse or something, and I don't know that he found her, but he said the campus is stupid huge. And his sneakers are blown out (I need to find him new shoes tonight) and he intends to walk the 3 miles there and back every day to try and see her. He got blisters yesterday and has every intention of doing it again today. She's not even willing to date him right now, but I think he's hopelessly attached to her. We had a conversation last night...I said, "You know, it's odd to me, to think about you and your brother and what I was up to at your ages. When I was your brother's age, I was skipping school, having tons of sex, and doing pot and acid and smoking cigarettes. Your brother is just now trying to figure out how to even talk to girls. When I was your age, I'd met your Dad and that relationship had begun. Let me ask you, if you met a 29 year old woman and she wanted to be in a lifelong relationship with you right now, would you be ready to commit to something like that?" He said, "Hell no. I mean, first of all I can't imagine being with anyone but <girl> but besides, if some 29 year old wanted to be with me I think that'd be a little creepy."
Just reinforces my thinking that an 18 year old is still basically a KID and Old Wolf trying to lock me into the relationship shape that met his needs despite the many times I tried to tell him with my words and my actions that I was not ready for it...that did not matter one bit to him. I was young and hot and made him feel young, and the rest would just have to get in line one way or another. I was just as helpless at living as an adult as my son is, now. What Old Wolf did was....kind of predatory. And not in any sort of a good way. Age differences are not always problematic, but when a fully matured and grown adult tries to establish a lasting relationship with a person who is NOT done cooking yet... I've said before, and I'll say it again...I really believe that a casual but consensual and protected sexual tryst between a 60 year old and a 16 year old is less problematic than a 29 year old trying to lock in a longterm relationship or marriage with an 18 year old. Even if the sex ends up being regrettable somehow, so long as no disease or pregnancy results, you can move on from that with limited or no damage done. But a long relationship can cause serious baggage and damage and change to a person. Yet I guess I'm still glad sometimes, because I'm glad I got to do the Mom thing and I'm glad I got it out of the way young.
It's just kind of interesting to put things in perspective now that my kids are the ages that they are. Ninja is legally an adult, but he isn't really an adult. Not yet. And I wasn't either at his age.
So I didn't get much done after work yesterday, but during the day I did find a go-phone for Ninja to replace his broken phone, for about $20, and a used computer monitor from Goodwill for $18. From now on, if I'm replacing a device that one of my sons broke through carelessness, or worse, game rage, I will not spend more than about $20 doing it. They will get cheap junk, and they'll have to deal with it, and they'll wait for me to buy said replacements at my own convenience. Honestly it blows my mind a little bit that you can get what amounts to a handheld computer (a smartphone) even if the specs aren't amazing, it's still a functional Android 4G smartphone, for $20 brand new. At Best Buy.
I really need to find a company that buys really busted electronics to recycle the bits. Even if they don't give much, I'm getting buried in computer parts and broken phones and game controllers and other junk. There has to be stuff going into these circuit boards that is worth recycling. Or I suppose I could demolish them and make art with the bits. There's an idea...
Great. Another art idea...like I needed more of those... lol
Oh my god, I could glue the parts to 2 dimensional surfaces to make sculptural art of like naked people made of computer bits...think of all the adhesives I could use...
Anyways. So I figured out how to get Fibbage2 (and the other games in that bundle) up and running at home, without spending money on a subscription service or another hardware platform, but just using what we had. I got Q's old PS3 out of my closet (he'd been thinking about selling it, but I didn't really want to, the used game stores don't give you much for them and it still works well)...and since PS3's connection to Playstation Network is free, I could get in there and get it going and just buy the games. I didn't mind spending a little money on the games ($25 for like five or six different party games) but I did not want to have to drop more on something like an Amazon Fire TV platform or one of the other systems to run it on. Ninja and I played a few rounds of Fibbage. He was NOT surprised at my sense of humor.
And I spotted a townhome on the rental market that might be a good fit for Zen and I moving in together. It's a 3 bedroom with a full finished basement (and should have a bathroom in the basement) with 1800 square feet of living space. It's available 9/7, which is in the right ballpark for us, since the earliest I could do a lease would be 9/8. I really need to contact the management and set up a time to go see it ASAP, since this market moves fast. If the space and the upkeep is suitable to our needs, the price is right, it's one of few I have seen that is under $1300/month...
Spork
Active member
I have an appointment to go view the townhouse after work. Yay!
I called the property management, I'm good to have the cat with only a $25/month additional pet rent, no additional deposits (yay!) and the only ?? is the state of my bankruptcy. She said it would be better if it were discharged, but she would not say that it would automatically disqualify me. I would need to show documentation as to where it's at right now, and why it happened, and that my credit is going "in the right direction" following. Actually my credit score isn't that bad, considering. It went up after I declared bankruptcy because I didn't have those high card balances on there anymore. And what little of my debt was left, shows positive payment history, because I pretty much always have a positive payment history. I have spent my entire adult life paying everything on time. The problem was the load I could not carry, not being delinquent. Now that load is gone. Unfortunately, so are my years and years of positive payment histories, except on the cards I cancelled in the years leading up to all this mess.
But yeah, I would really, REALLY like it if those discharge papers would come in the mail...and it should be literally any day now, or between now and the end of this month.
So, I'm gonna go see this place. Wouldn't it be sweet if the first place I looked at and acted on turned out to be just right? Never know, sometimes things just work out that good. It's possible!
I called the property management, I'm good to have the cat with only a $25/month additional pet rent, no additional deposits (yay!) and the only ?? is the state of my bankruptcy. She said it would be better if it were discharged, but she would not say that it would automatically disqualify me. I would need to show documentation as to where it's at right now, and why it happened, and that my credit is going "in the right direction" following. Actually my credit score isn't that bad, considering. It went up after I declared bankruptcy because I didn't have those high card balances on there anymore. And what little of my debt was left, shows positive payment history, because I pretty much always have a positive payment history. I have spent my entire adult life paying everything on time. The problem was the load I could not carry, not being delinquent. Now that load is gone. Unfortunately, so are my years and years of positive payment histories, except on the cards I cancelled in the years leading up to all this mess.
But yeah, I would really, REALLY like it if those discharge papers would come in the mail...and it should be literally any day now, or between now and the end of this month.
So, I'm gonna go see this place. Wouldn't it be sweet if the first place I looked at and acted on turned out to be just right? Never know, sometimes things just work out that good. It's possible!