Primaries vs. secondaries

JackieJ

JackieJ

New member
Main chicks vs. side chicks

I just got here, and most of the threads I read have a similar theme:

'Regardless of how well everyone communicates, there will inevitably be major emotional problems in a poly relationship, sooner or later, because of the resentment that naturally arises from unequal relationships'

I don't think anyone enjoys being or feeling like a secondary for very long.

So I have a radical idea, which probably has been discussed before. Here it is:

For a long-term, successful poly relationship:

-No secondaries, no side chicks
-Everybody is a primary, main man, main chick
-Equal love between everybody

I realize this is difficult, especially from the beginning. But I know for a FACT that equal love is possible, and you can get there if you want to. Love can grow, build, strengthen over time between multiple people. I believe that unlimited, equal love is a noble goal, and should be the main goal of any long-term, successful poly relationship.

Obviously, this implies bisexuality, unless everyone is the same sex. I think it is easier for women to accept and embrace bisexuality in a poly relationship. But even bisexuality can develop, grow, strengthen over time between multiple people (you don't have to be 'born with it').

Love can be complicated between two people, let alone multiple people. That's why poly relationships are difficult. But if you can make it work over time based on equal love and equal treatment, you will experience beautiful, unlimited love that is multiplied, not divided, between multiple people.

Forgive me if this has been mentioned before. But I really think this would help many people understand how their poly relationships can or cannot work.

-

For example, while I write this, my husband is having sex with my sister in the next room. And I am so happy for both of them. Really. Because it gets me wet, because I know I'm next, or because I just got some, or because I'm about to get it on with my sister, since we have a beautiful lesbian thing going (I used to be mostly straight, and would just play with other girls sometimes, but now I'm a definite bisexual; I'm not promoting lesbian incest by the way, I'm just saying, please don't judge).

Really, I am not jealous or upset in any way, I'm happy, because I love my husband and my sisters, and we all love each other equally and treat each other equally. Shouldn't equal love be the main goal for any poly relationship to be successful and long-lasting?
 
Last edited:
Well there is no such thing as an instant poly relationship. If I meet someone tomorrow and fall in love, then don't meet another suitable partner for a year? It will take awhile for my feelings for the second partner to be equal. Also, we don't just get to point at someone and say "you're mine now." So meeting people requires dating people. Who knows how those relationships will evolve?

I'm not sure how any of this implies bisexuality. I'm not bisexual. I don't date my partners' male partners. Your type of poly is not very common as far as I can tell.
 
Everyone's relationship(s) is/are different. There is no one RIGHT way to engage in ANY relationship, either mono, poly, or otherwise nonmonogamous. JackieJ, I have been reading your posts and see that you are very happy in your polycule. That's fine. For YOU. Others practice hierarchy, which is fine; for THEM.

This board is chock-full of members who are practicing every possible relationship permutation under the sun. To suggest there is one right way of "doing" relationships is, quite frankly, insulting.
 
You have sex with your biological sister(s)? Sorry, I can't get past that one statement.
 
Hi JackieJ,

I am in a V with two (hetero) guys and one (hetero) woman. The two guys have a platonic friendship with each other, and each of the guys is romantically involved with the woman. We are quite happy with our situation, although we had a few rough years in the beginning.

It sounds like in your situation, everyone is romantically/sexually involved with everyone else. I think that is perfectly fine, and it sounds like you are all happy together.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi Kevin, I read your story and it touched me. :)

Do you think your/any V relationship will last? I don't know, I'm asking you.

We were a Y, with the man in the middle, and our relationship naturally evolved/solidified into a quad.
 
I have been in my V for 5 and a half years. Both my husbands are Mono and heterosexual.

Going very strong with no drama. What so ever.
 
Not everyone is bisexual. And not everyone gets off on their partner(s) having sex with with others... even if it's another partner.

Personally? I'm a sexually straight woman and I tend to be attracted to straight men. So I tend not to be sexually attracted to their other partners and they tend not to be attracted to mine.

On a personal note I was pretty scarred early in my nonmonogamy by being told that all women were kinda bi and all relationships should be interconnected. I ended up having sex with people I didn't desire so I could do poly 'right'. While I get that you've found a model that works great for you and your partner's it doesn't mean it will work for everyone or even most people. And suggesting that it's the only healthy way to do it is actively dangerous.
 
Last edited:
Hi JackieJ, I believe my V relationship will last, til death do us part. Other V's, such as Dagferi's, and Bluebird's, I believe will also last. Also I forgot to mention that all three of the people in my V are primary partners, there are no secondaries. I believe that's also the case with Dagferi, Bluebird, and others as well.
 
OK then, I have definitely learned something :)

I have to put an idea out there, and get some feedback so I can learn something quickly. Please don't be offended.

Here are some follow-up questions:

1) Do all members of V relationships feel equally loved, or does someone inevitably feel like a secondary?

2) Do most poly people appreciate being or feeling like a secondary for very long? Won't the relationship either equalize or fall apart eventually?

3) Why would someone share a partner with someone else, when he/she can find a partner that doesn't need to be shared? Is it love, or hedonism, or something else?

Please keep the responses coming, this is interesting ;)
 
Well keep in mind that V's come in all shapes and sizes. Some have a hierarchy, others don't. And it is possible, even if both of your V companions view you as a primary, for you to feel like a secondary. Which is a problem. I've been there, I've felt like a secondary. Luckily that eventually changed. Today, I do feel equally loved, I do.

This may seem counterintuitive, but a lot depends on the meaning of the word "secondary." Some people actually like to be secondaries. If they're very busy in their own life with hobbies, career, and perhaps a primary partner of their own, they may not want to invest the time, resources, and commitment necessary to have an additional primary relationship. They may prefer to keep things more casual ... hence, secondary.

As for why someone would share a partner when they could find a partner they don't need to share, well, that's the difference between polyamory and monogamy. If someone wants to be strictly monogamous, then that's what they'll do. Whereas a polyamorous person will be willing to share. Perhaps it comes down to preference? I like sharing, personally.
 
I think the whole concept of loving "equally" is fantasy.

If it isn't fantasy, then I think it's gross and don't want any of that in my life.

My feelings for every person in my life are different from one another because they are different people. For me to love two people "equally" would suggest that I am not taking who they are into account and I am giving them my very best, generic "love".

JackieJ said:
3) Why would someone share a partner with someone else, when he/she can find a partner that doesn't need to be shared? Is it love, or hedonism, or something else?
Click to expand...

I don't understand this question. Are you asking why someone would not be monogamous?
 
Good answers, thanks :)

So V-relationships may or may not have hierarchies, got it

Some people actually enjoy being at the bottom of the hierarchy, got it

I can't imagine how they want to stay down there forever; won't they want to move up or move out or go mono eventually?

Yes, I definitely prefer sharing too, especially the satisfaction of approving with whom I share my partner.
 
Thank you for your perspective, Marcus :)

Of course, I prefer sharing personally. I was just asking why other poly people prefer sharing, especially in a V. Isn't that just one easy step away from mono? Maybe that's just the first step into poly

-

By equal love, I mean different people equally, while recognizing their differences, kind of like a mother hopefully loves all her different children equally, unconditionally. Of course they have different personalities and respond to different kinds of love differently; but the overall love should be the same.

By equal love, on a broader level, I also mean abolishing the hierarchy or unequal degrees of love, where possible/practical. Our group has made a lot of progress in that department. I understand some people are really turned on by long-term solid hierarchy. We just play with hierarchy now and then as a game
 
Last edited:
Certainly some secondaries want to get "promoted" eventually. But not all. For example some solo polyamorists may be fiercely independent, not wanting to be saddled with the title "primary" to anyone. And I suppose it makes sense to say that secondary relationships will tend to be more short-lived than the same number of primary relationships. But there are always exceptions. People come in all shapes and sizes.

As far as V's are concerned, the fact that they are "similar to monogamy" is probably the very reason why they are the most common poly configuration. The more people there are in the equation, and the more romantic connections, the more complicated it will tend to be, and hence the more likely to come apart. I'm not saying your quad is unstable, I'm saying that quads as a whole have a statistical tendency to come apart, moreso than triads, and moreso still than V's. At least that's how I see it.
 
JackieJ said:
1) Do all members of V relationships feel equally loved, or does someone inevitably feel like a secondary?

2) Do most poly people appreciate being or feeling like a secondary for very long? Won't the relationship either equalize or fall apart eventually?

3) Why would someone share a partner with someone else, when he/she can find a partner that doesn't need to be shared? Is it love, or hedonism, or something else?
Click to expand...

I have three long term committed partners. I don't think of myself in Vs. Although if I did I would say I'm in something like six of them. Three where I am the hinge and three where I am one of the legs.

1) Some of the legs in the Vs are secondary type relationships. I have a long distance partner who I only get to see every two months. He lives with his wife and their daughter. I'm a secondary in that V. We've been in this shape for coming up on seven years. I feel very loved by my long distance partner. I don't really understand the concept of "equal love". How can you ever really tell? I can't rip open his head and look at his love sliders and see if the ones for me and his wife are at the same level. What I look at is if I feel loved. If the relationship is rewarding to both of us and if we are healthy together. I don't normally use the term secondary because it tends to imply less love... instead of less time or less entwinement of daily lives. But this relationship is pretty clearly secondary in shape if not intent. His wife and child come first in the case of emergency. I struggled with the idea of it at first but time actually has made it easier and made me more grateful for it... not less. All my other Vs have different dynamics but that is the one where there is most clearly a "primary" "secondary" type dynamic.

2)I LOVE the way my relationship is shaped with my long distance partner. I don't want it to change. The connection we have is something I had never run into before. One that is off the relationship escalator. One where we shape how it looks and functions outside of the standard that our culture handed to us. We've been together seven years and I still get giddy when we are going to spend time with each other. When I'm with him I'm always on vacation. He fills my life with adventure and meaning and we never have to be annoyed at each other about the laundry or bills or yard work. Again I don't use the term "secondary" but I'm super happy with the way this relationship functions. I don't want to move in with him and his wife and help raise their child. I don't want or need things to function the same between the three of us. It doesn't look like it's anywhere near falling apart and there is no desire to "equalize" it.

3) Why would someone share a partner with someone else, when he/she can find a partner that doesn't need to be shared?

um... because we are nonmonogamous. I don't "share" my partners. They are individual people with personal autonomy. They share themselves with me. I don't own them so I can't "share" them with others. I share myself. That's about it. They don't pick mono partners because they aren't mono.

Is it love? Is it hedonism? (like it can't be both?) I think it's personal. I'm poly because it was the only way for me to ethically be in long term relationships. It's what my heart does. My philosophies had to catch up to my heart. One of my partners was the opposite. He came to it philosophically first and then his heart had to catch up with his ideas.
 
My boyfriend has had a few failed marriages and is not interested in ever marrying again. He also doesn't want to share finances, procreate, or do any of those types of life sharing activities. He is interested in cohabiting someday, maybe. These see his choices that keep him in a secondary relationship in practice. My husband gets first consideration a lot because he is lumped with the kid duties, home duties, financial duties, etc. Neither feel loved less, though, and we're all happy living this way.

I think there is a difference between choosing hierarchy and one partner not having a choice in the matter and choosing your own relationship style individually then building a poly network that supports that. I'm not forcing Boy into a secondary box. Hell, I don't even consider him secondary, but practically speaking he is since he has certain wishes on how to live.

Oh, and I'm bi but I am rarely attracted to the same people as either of my partners and I'm very territorial of my home. I can't imagine ever meeting a metamour that I like enough to live with or sleep with. It could happen but is very unlikely. I'm rather introverted and prefer to choose my own people.
 
JackieJ said:
1) Do all members of V relationships feel equally loved, or does someone inevitably feel like a secondary?
Click to expand...
That's very personal to the people involved.
In my V, I'm still kind of secondary when it comes to life entanglement because I don't live with my partners. That is a bit of a problem.
Yet I don't feel secondary in terms of love. I feel very appreciated and cared for in terms of quality time and attention.

I have absolutely no interest to be involved with Meta.

I also prefer to keep my relationship(s) rather separated - I value one on one time highly, and also privacy. So I'd rather see my partner less time than spend a lot of time as a group.

If I were to find another partner, we would have an "N" shape :)
2) Do most poly people appreciate being or feeling like a secondary for very long? Won't the relationship either equalize or fall apart eventually?
Click to expand...
Yes, sometimes they do. But there are exceptions, as Kevin said. People who are busy with carriers or have multiple partners themselves can prefer less envolved relationships and be great "secondary" partners to someone. Also, some people see their relationships as fluid; they don't hold longevity as the highest value and are ok with parting ways eventually.
Just to clarify, I'm using "secondary"= "less committed in terms of time and resources", not "secondary" as "has to obey the primary couple". People are usually not ok with that (I'm not talking about D/S games either.).
3) Why would someone share a partner with someone else, when he/she can find a partner that doesn't need to be shared? Is it love, or hedonism, or something else?
Click to expand...
Again, the answers are very personal. Some people wanna have multiple romances themselves :)
In my case, love, indeed. I've fallen for a man who's very polyamorous at his core. I don't really like sharing him, but I looove his big heart, and I know that without polyamory it would not be the same.
 
Last edited:
Thank you for all the thoughtful answers. :)

I see that V-configurations (even multiple Vs) seem to be the most common poly configurations. They seem to have more issues than mono relationships (obviously, more people, more possible conflicts/jealousy/etc).

I thought polygons would be more stable than letters (everyone connected, no one 'just hanging'), but maybe not.

I only know my group, so I'm inexperienced overall. ;)
 
Last edited:
JackieJ said:
I thought polygons would be more stable than letters (everyone connected, no one 'just hanging'), but maybe not.
Click to expand...
Sometimes people come here who attempted to form quads by connecting two couples. Usually, the issue of one (of the new) relationships developing more quickly or deeper than the other comes up, and the quad explodes. I would not say they are easier than a V :eek:
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top