Is this a weird thought? Husband moving into the basement?

M

MsEmotional

Member
So my little polycule has been talking a lot about cohabitation. Our prevailing idea has been that we'd finish the basement and Ponytail would move into a bedroom down there. However, Ponytail is insanely tall and it's come to everyone's attention that when we finish the basement we might not be able to get adequate ceiling height to make it comfortable for him down there.

We've been thinking of other ideas-- including buying a house together that has taller ceilings. But we don't feel like we're quite ready to take that step as a V and would prefer to be able to try cohabitation before making that big of a commitment of joint property.

It occurred to me that I had been assuming that Ponytail would take the basement bedroom -- but what if we made that Glasses' bedroom? The shorter ceiling heights wouldn't be as big of an issue (Glasses is 5" shorter than Ponytail) and I'd be splitting my time between their two rooms anyway.... so it's not like either of them would be in the "master bedroom" (both bedrooms would be about the same size -- the basement room might even end up a little bigger). I don't think either room would be "better" than the other on the whole. But is it weird for Glasses to be 2 floors away from his kids? And for Ponytail to be the only adult on the same floor as the kids when I am spending the night in the basement with Glasses?
 
How old are your kids and how comfortable is everyone with ponytail being the first responder in a crisis?

I personally wouldn't have that much space between kid and parents, but my daughter is only a toddler. If they are older and comfortable with ponytail, it'd probably be fine.
 
AlwaysGrowing said:
How old are your kids and how comfortable is everyone with ponytail being the first responder in a crisis?

I personally wouldn't have that much space between kid and parents, but my daughter is only a toddler. If they are older and comfortable with ponytail, it'd probably be fine.
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Kids are 2 and 4. I am totally comfortable with Ponytail being the first one on the scene, but I don't know if he's comfortable with that yet. I will ask!
 
MsEmotional said:
But is it weird for Glasses to be 2 floors away from his kids? And for Ponytail to be the only adult on the same floor as the kids when I am spending the night in the basement with Glasses?
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How uncomfortable is it for Glasses? How uncomfortable is it for Ponytail? How uncomfortable is it for you?
The fact that you're asking suggests it might be, but we're not the people to answer.
 
MsEmotional said:
Kids are 2 and 4. I am totally comfortable with Ponytail being the first one on the scene, but I don't know if he's comfortable with that yet. I will ask!
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How would the kids feel? My kid loves Boy. She's almost 2, and he was there the day she was born. He's not Mom or Dad, though, so when she's upset he's better than nothing but she's still looking for us. I wouldn't be willing to take that comfort away from her by moving us both so far away in the home.
 
AlwaysGrowing said:
How would the kids feel? My kid loves Boy. She's almost 2, and he was there the day she was born. He's not Mom or Dad, though, so when she's upset he's better than nothing but she's still looking for us. I wouldn't be willing to take that comfort away from her by moving us both so far away in the home.
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Good point. I guess I am assuming that he would be the first on the scene, but that he'd just get one of us to come up.
 
Sure, but they aren't his kids so trying to simultaneously soothe and get backup can be hard since there's not that immediate surge of feeling safe that typically comes from a parental presence. In my house, that's the difference between a bad dream being a minor inconvenience and a night of no sleep. Those moments matter when you want them to be calm enough to sleep after.
 
Unless you live in a mansion, I don't see any big deal. If I was Glasses I would be calling dibs on the basement and I am 6'3"...lol. If you are worried about communication between floors, there are several options available here in the 21st century.
 
Thanks everyone! We will continue to brainstorm schedules that would make sense. Both of the guys are open to it but raised the same childcare issues. I wonder how low the ceilings would be when it is finished down there..
 
I do not think they have been together 6 months. The Op only started posting here at the end of June and was very new to polyamory.

Op I think you guys need to slow things down.
 
powerpuffgrl1969 said:
How long have you been involved with Ponytail again?
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4 months

We were going to finish the basement anyway and it will likely be another 6 months before it's actually done. If in that time we decide that moving in together isn't a good idea, it's not like we would have done anything we wouldn't have done otherwise.

Once the basement is finished we can also take our time with Ponytail gradually spending more nights over and moving things in slowly. Ponytail's current living situation is flexible.
 
Hi MsEmotional,

It sounds like you don't have to make a decision until after the basement is done. At that time perhaps you could have Ponytail go down there and see how he feels about the ceiling height. If he's uncomfortable, he can decide whether he would prefer to be up where the kids are. These do seem to be your choices, in any case. Can the contractors receive a special request to make the ceilings extra high if possible? Just wondering.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi MsEmotional,

It sounds like you don't have to make a decision until after the basement is done. At that time perhaps you could have Ponytail go down there and see how he feels about the ceiling height. If he's uncomfortable, he can decide whether he would prefer to be up where the kids are. These do seem to be your choices, in any case. Can the contractors receive a special request to make the ceilings extra high if possible? Just wondering.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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Most basement ceilings are dictated by how much room there is between the joists that support the upper floor and the cement foundation. And you usually have heating ducts and other things that you'll need to work around. So, unless you plan for higher ceilings in the basement while initially building the house, the height limit of the ceiling is dictated by the physical structure already there, not by zoning or permit requirements.
 
I wouldn't dream of moving in with a partner until we'd been dating at MINIMUM a year. Given all of the ups and downs and drama that you've had in your polycule I have to be honest and say that I think moving Ponytail in so quickly is practically asking for your polycule to implode. You guys are all in NRE and you should never make such drastic decisions when NRE is clouding judgement. If things go south and Ponytail is 100% moved in, he'll have no place to go because that is now his home.

In the span of just a few months, you've gone from first poly date ever, to serious relationship, to trying to start a D/s relationship, to moving a still very new partner in with your kids. Take a deep breath and just give things some time. If your relationship is strong and going well, then he's not going anywhere. There is no need to rush things so much. Everyone that moves in with a partner so soon thinks that they're the exception and the love they have with their partner means it will totally work, but SOOO many times it ends in disaster. And sometimes trying to move things too quickly is what actually causes that disaster when moving slowly might have otherwise allowed the relationship to flourish.

I'm not saying that your relationship is doomed by any means. But I think you all need to just BE for a while and let your relationship flourish as it is instead of constantly trying to escalate to the next big step. Staying steady isn't a bad thing.
 
breathemusic's advice seems spot-on to me. No big decisions under the influence of NRE.

As far as logistics (either if you move forward as soon as the basement is done, or in for longer term planning): would it be possible to have you be in the master bedroom every night, and the guys rotate? That way the tall one only suffers the low ceiling in the basement half the time, and the kids always have ready access to you. (Feasibility might depend on whether there is space elsewhere in the house for him to have alone time and/or keep stuff he needs access to.)
 
I think this gets back to the question of "how long does NRE last? And when do you know it's love and not NRE?" that I asked a few weeks ago. I definitely feel more normal and stable than I did a month ago. My feelings for Ponytail now more closely match my feelings for my husband -- much more normal domestic love and less butterflies.
 
NRE can last anywhere from months to years. But my advice about not moving in with a partner before a year stands regardless of NRE. Hell, regardless of poly or being such a major change for your family. The fact that you're adding newly poly to the mix and making a huge impact to your existing family dynamic only makes my opinion stronger and possibly stretches the timeline. If nothing else you should have a long period of stability where you don't have a bunch of poly upheavals going on. And right now you don't have that. You were only just recently talking about both your partners being jealous and frustrated with one another an in competition, that is not a time to have them then live in the same space.
 
MsEmotional said:
I think this gets back to the question of "how long does NRE last? And when do you know it's love and not NRE?" that I asked a few weeks ago. I definitely feel more normal and stable than I did a month ago. My feelings for Ponytail now more closely match my feelings for my husband -- much more normal domestic love and less butterflies.
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It depends on the person.

Honestly you two still dont know each other. You haven't traveled together. Went through the flu together. Been through a serious crisis together. All those things take TIME.

A lot of your posts in the short time you have been together are about issues and drama. Why would you want to bring a potential powderkeg because lets face it ponytail has had several meltdowns in the short time you have been together into your home and expose your children to what could be a huge mess. DO NOT bring that potential drama into your children's environment.
 
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