New poly reltionship advice

[ThatOneCoolCat]

Hello all! I am new to the forum and have yet to read all of the terms, so bear with me. My husband and I had our first 3 some 2 months ago and absolutely loved it (mwm with no m-m contact). We have been together 9 years and decided after that to open our marriage. The man in our 3some was a mutual friend and he and I have hung out since then, having sex twice. My husband on the other hand has not participated in any relations of his own yet. While he totally accept a mine, I am weary of the woman he is pursuing. She was friends with his younger sister and I have hung out with her on several occasions years ago, but he hadn't unless we were all together (maybe twice.) About 5 months ago, prior to opening our relationship uo, she deleted me off of a social media app and began talking to him. It started to become an everyday thing. They never have spent time together and the conversations were very platonic, but it makes me uneasy. She had told him previously she always had a crush on him, but they never pursued anything (I can guarantee that as we are very honest.) This past weekend, I pushed him to mention our recent arrangement to her because he does not feel like he can just go pick up any random woman and start dating her. I was intrigued by the thought of him being with her originally, but now because of their previous history of communication I have mixed feelings. We agreed that this poly relationship would have relations on the side, but they would be people that we could all hang out with together as a group and I hesitate regarding her because of their past. With that said, I feel like he should be able to seek out his 'person' without my opinions conflicting that. Just wondering if anyone else has been through a similar situation. I'd like to be able to have a friendship with the other person he's with, as mine is mutual, but am not sure if I can get over the fact that she was secretly trying to pursue him already. Its all new water for me so I appreciate any thoughts or advice. One love.

 

[vinsanity0]

In my style of poly I don't have any particular desire to be friends with my metas. It always seems odd to me when people say they require it. I think of poly as having multiple relationships that stand on their own. I also see them as relationships and not something on the side.

 

[Dagferi]

If my husbands decided to persue their own relationships outside our relationship I want nothing to do with my metamours.

I have no urge to be friends with their partners. They can have any type of relationship with their other partners that they wish. Just leave me out of it.

 

[dragonette]

The man in our 3some was a mutual friend and he and I have hung out since then, having sex twice. My husband on the other hand has not participated in any relations of his own yet. While he totally accept a mine, I am weary of the woman he is pursuing. She was friends with his younger sister and I have hung out with her on several occasions years ago, but he hadn't unless we were all together (maybe twice.) About 5 months ago, prior to opening our relationship uo, she deleted me off of a social media app and began talking to him. It started to become an everyday thing. They never have spent time together and the conversations were very platonic, but it makes me uneasy. She had told him previously she always had a crush on him, but they never pursued anything (I can guarantee that as we are very honest.)

Based on the fact that this woman deleted you from the social media app at the same time she intensified her communication with your husband, it sounds like she either is hostile toward you for some reason or is hoping to take him away from you. These don't sound like good qualities in a potential poly partner.

I think you and your husband should do some more thinking about what style of poly you want. It sounds like you mostly want to explore sexually, and you're not ready for new relationships to develop into anything emotionally significant, but you're playing with existing friends and hoping to "hang out" together as a group. Unless you limit yourselves to playing under very carefully defined circumstances (with people you don't know and play with only once or very rarely), chances are that having sex with others is going to lead to feelings developing. Our bodies are designed to make that happen, whether we want it to or not. If you're not prepared for those intense emotions, they're going to lead to drama in your existing relationship and probably poor treatment of these new partners, who have feelings and will be affected. So do some reading and soul-searching before you play with others' hearts.

There are lots of great books and websites about poly. There’s a lengthy discussion of various ones in the Golden Nuggets section of this website, but my personal favorites are the More Than Two website, and the short book Eight Things I Wish I'd Known About Polyamory: Before I Tried It and Frakked It Up. Also frequently recommended for couples opening up (I haven’t read it) is another book: Opening Up.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi ThatOneCoolCat,

It sounds like you are uneasy about the woman your husband is pursuing because she has exhibited shifty behavior in the past. Have you discussed your concerns with your husband? If you have, what did he have to say? Maybe getting his feedback would give you a better idea of if this a situation you can tolerate. Be honest with him and communicate, in any case.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Dagferi]

There's another spin to this maybe she deleted you off her social media app because she just doesn't like you.

 

[Tinwen]

Based on the fact that this woman deleted you from the social media app at the same time she intensified her communication with your husband, it sounds like she either is hostile toward you for some reason or is hoping to take him away from you.

Or... she doesn't want to be involved with her metamours.

Anyway, if you're really going down the route of "everyone hangs out together", you'll have to pick compatible people. Doesn't sound like it's her, so you have to evaluate with your husband if you can do totally separate relationships, or if he's gonna try to find someone else. And of course he talk with her about your current arrangement and find out if she's up for poly at all... sound like maybe he doesn't really know.

 

[FallenAngelina]

We agreed that this poly relationship would have relations on the side, but they would be people that we could all hang out with together as a group ....

Your perspective here invites some problems because it's the extraordinarily rare woman who wants to be anyone's "side" and at the same time involve herself personally with the man's "main dish." Men seem to find this position more palatable, but even then, it's pretty rare to find anyone willing to take a perpetually unspoken (or even spoken) back seat to another while building friendships with all concerned. It's not so much this woman who is the problem, but your foundational attitude that you and your husband are going to have people "on the side." As Vinsanity was getting at, multiple loving is about developing relationships. To consider people "sides" is to relegate them to emotionally capped roles in your marital fantasy world and very, very few people are going to be happy in that position once the novelty wears off. The presence of this woman simply reflects the problematic nature of your premise. Take it as good information, adjust your perspective and women who are more aligned with an inclusive approach will come into your life.

 

[anamikanon]

I am less worried about the "on the side" or whether you should be friends with the metamors or not, etc. Whatever works is good. But the part where she deleted you off a social group while pursuing your husband before she knew that you were opening your relationship is more worrying. IMO, a woman chasing a man she believes to be in a monogamous relationship is drama waiting to happen. An important question to ask at this time is whether she understands poly and is onboard. She doesn't have to like you, but if she's trying to shut you out and grab your husband, you're headed for heartbreak for at least one and likely all three of you. You should probably discuss this with your husband and see what he thinks and leave it to his judgment.