Reverie
Active member
The stuff I've been doing at work today is drudgery, which is giving me plenty of time to think about stuff. I started thinking (because of Aurora) how I agreed to close down with Dustin except for Rider. And that got me thinking of how oddly the timeline has gone this year, and how rapid the changes.
In January, I wanted to be basically mono. I was completely #overit. Rider agreeing to this was the only thing that allowed me to go forward with the wedding in April. If he hadn't been willing to give up poly, I would not have married him. We'd discussed breaking our engagement and continuing to live together as platonic friends while we figured out how our romantic paths would diverge.
In the span of literally one week at the end of May and beginning of June, I ended things with Jasper, started talking to Rider about being open to poly again (mostly to make it easier for him to find sex partners to help with my cratered libido, because I felt bad, and because I knew he really wanted it), met Cherry, and made these plans with Aurora that are in fruition this week. I was hoping that dating girls would give me the sexual variety that I desired without injecting the emotional complications that dating guys does.
And then less than a month later, totally by accident, I met Dustin, who completely turned everything I thought that I knew upside down—making me feel more cool with poly, while at the same time not being cool with it himself. It may have seemed that I started talking about poly again BECAUSE I met Dustin, but the truth is that I'd been starting to aim at it just a few weeks before I knew he existed. The date stamps in this blog back me up on it.
Dustin feels about poly the way that I felt about it in January. I can't really fault him for that, because it is so recent in the past that I remember perfectly what it felt like. What started changing my mind? Feeling bad about Rider's sex life and knowing that he ultimately would prefer poly. What finished changing my mind? Meeting Dustin. But Dustin seems unlikely to have the same sort of sea change for the same reasons. For one, our sex life at the moment is phenomenal. For two, he's not trying to date anyone else, and if he did try, I think he'd just go be mono with them if it seemed like it was working out.
My mind keeps returning to this. How can I fault Dustin for feeling the exact same way that I felt not long ago? How can I expect his mind to change when his circumstances are different?
There's something weird that my brain feels like it's working on about all of these events. Like there's some puzzle that my subconscious has solved that my conscious mind does not see yet. Like how it feels to try to remember a word or a name, and you can feel it hovering there, but it won't materialize.
In January, I wanted to be basically mono. I was completely #overit. Rider agreeing to this was the only thing that allowed me to go forward with the wedding in April. If he hadn't been willing to give up poly, I would not have married him. We'd discussed breaking our engagement and continuing to live together as platonic friends while we figured out how our romantic paths would diverge.
In the span of literally one week at the end of May and beginning of June, I ended things with Jasper, started talking to Rider about being open to poly again (mostly to make it easier for him to find sex partners to help with my cratered libido, because I felt bad, and because I knew he really wanted it), met Cherry, and made these plans with Aurora that are in fruition this week. I was hoping that dating girls would give me the sexual variety that I desired without injecting the emotional complications that dating guys does.
And then less than a month later, totally by accident, I met Dustin, who completely turned everything I thought that I knew upside down—making me feel more cool with poly, while at the same time not being cool with it himself. It may have seemed that I started talking about poly again BECAUSE I met Dustin, but the truth is that I'd been starting to aim at it just a few weeks before I knew he existed. The date stamps in this blog back me up on it.
Dustin feels about poly the way that I felt about it in January. I can't really fault him for that, because it is so recent in the past that I remember perfectly what it felt like. What started changing my mind? Feeling bad about Rider's sex life and knowing that he ultimately would prefer poly. What finished changing my mind? Meeting Dustin. But Dustin seems unlikely to have the same sort of sea change for the same reasons. For one, our sex life at the moment is phenomenal. For two, he's not trying to date anyone else, and if he did try, I think he'd just go be mono with them if it seemed like it was working out.
My mind keeps returning to this. How can I fault Dustin for feeling the exact same way that I felt not long ago? How can I expect his mind to change when his circumstances are different?
There's something weird that my brain feels like it's working on about all of these events. Like there's some puzzle that my subconscious has solved that my conscious mind does not see yet. Like how it feels to try to remember a word or a name, and you can feel it hovering there, but it won't materialize.