Online Sex Operator -- drowning in the jealous unknown

Wyrdkiss

Wyrdkiss

New member
Greetings all,

It's been ages since I've posted. I've identified as poly for about seven years.

I'll update my situation below. I'm not seeking validation that I'm right in my situation, I'm looking for examples of how others may feel, how they would cope, and if I need to thicken my skin a bit.

My GF and I were open, but we just turned relatively mono because I was experiencing a lot of sadness and internal pressure from her that resulted in pain and insensitivity.
We both agreed, kind of by default, that we need to just focus on one another for a while. She's in graduate school and I've been under extreme family stress with aging parents.

A few days ago, she just returned to OSO -- phone sex. When she first introduced it, I feel she softened it by securing a line that was not threatening -- adult diaper situations.
Now, basically without a choice on my part, she has moved in the realm of verbal degradation with the men -- forced Bi, etc. while they get off. That is mostly what she says they call about.

I've really been feeling horrible, jealous and heavy. She admits she enjoys it and that it is somewhat meaningful to her. There's passion in her voice when she speaks of it, at least when she's not on guard to my feelings.
The result is I feel sad, insecure that she is engaging sexually with other men when we are supposed to be mono. Sharing her mind, her voice, her spirit. Pleasing others when I'm not there.
Tonight on our date her voice was shot.
It was painfully symbolic to me.

I'm trying to cope. She feels my jealousy is "sex negative" and while gentle with me with explaining, I am eager for it to end when she gets back on her feet financially.
That is the plan.

I have dug into my fears -- that others are providing something I cannot. That she enjoys her arousal after the calls more than me. It's insidious.

Is this really a big deal? Do I need to be more supportive and suck it up a bit, thicken my skin? Has anyone been in this situation -- where there is a bit of a "grey area" between your agreements and what is really happening?

Confused and down...thanks for the feedback.
 
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It's a job. It's anonymous. To put things in perspective, my wife was a stripper for a long time. It's just a job. At least she enjoys her work. Can't remember the last time I could say that.
 
This is her job, not relationships on the side.

Your fears and insecurities are things you need to face and learn to overcome. Your girlfriend can only do so much to help; at the end of the day, you need to do a lot of the work yourself.

If your fear is that having other people available increases the chance of her leaving, closing off your relationship or having her quit jobs that involve interactions with other people is no guarantee that she will stay with you. On top of that, it seems like this job is something she is passionate about to some extent; in general we want to support our SO not dissuade them from doing what they like simply because they're doing something that isn't 100% focused on us.

Personally, I feel your low self esteem is kind of a big deal, but it's up to you whether you choose to do anything about it.
 
Few are lucky to have a job they enjoy. It clearly provides her with a "no strings" sexual outlet. I wouldn't see this as any different from say.... watching porn while masturbating. Unless you experience a detrimental effect in how she is with you - in that case, it is a problem going on in YOUR relationship that needs addressing - the same as it would need if she neglected it for another partner or a high flying corporate job. If there is neglect, that needs addressing, if her relationship with you remains unchanged, you should probably explore the reasons of you feeling insecure without any actual change on her part.

There is plenty of help to deal with jealousy if you are able to explain your thoughts that are creating problems in your mind.
 
Wyrdkiss said:
Do I need to be more supportive and suck it up a bit, thicken my skin?
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This never, ever, ever works. Suck it up? What does that mean? Thicken your skin? That just means you'd be making massive efforts to ignore the communication from your feelings and your body. Don't be shamed into "sucking it up" if you do not genuinely feel OK with her sex work. Feeling terribly uncomfortable with her job doesn't make you "sex negative," it makes you uncomfortable with her job. I'm pro-abundance, but I don't want to be involved with a stock broker because the lifestyle sucks (IMO.) Plenty of men and women wouldn't even want to begin to handle being involved with a sex worker of any kind. That doesn't make them "sex negative" or hypocrites, it makes them honest about themselves. This isn't about judgment of her work, this is about you knowing what is important to you in a relationship. Above all, listen to your feelings. They are vital to our mental, physical and spiritual well being. 99.9% of our problems develop because we do not listen to and respect the essential information of our feelings.
 
FallenAngelina said:
This never, ever, ever works. Suck it up? What does that mean? Thicken your skin? That just means you'd be making massive efforts to ignore the communication from your feelings and your body. Don't be shamed into "sucking it up" if you do not genuinely feel OK with her sex work. Feeling terribly uncomfortable with her job doesn't make you "sex negative," it makes you uncomfortable with her job. I'm pro-abundance, but I don't want to be involved with a stock broker because the lifestyle sucks (IMO.) Plenty of men and women wouldn't even want to begin to handle being involved with a sex worker of any kind. That doesn't make them "sex negative" or hypocrites, it makes them honest about themselves. This isn't about judgment of her work, this is about you knowing what is important to you in a relationship. Above all, listen to your feelings. They are vital to our mental, physical and spiritual well being. 99.9% of our problems develop because we do not listen to and respect the essential information of our feelings.
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But what happened to examining those feelings? Quite often "feelings" don't address the root of the problem. They can be symptoms of a problem. Just blindly following feelings is what gets us into trouble, IMO.
 
vinsanity0 said:
Just blindly following feelings is what gets us into trouble, IMO.
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I'm not sure what you mean by "blindly" but your response holds the usual skeptical perspective that most of us are taught: "Feelings" are less than, suspect, not to be trusted, certainly nothing to navigate life by. In truth, feelings are our navigational tool and give us moment by moment feedback about where we are heading. Not respecting feelings is flying blind. Notice, I don't recommend acting out every feeling. I am talking about respect and esteem for the vital information that they carry.
 
Following closely.

Thanks to all for input thus far. I will answer some of your questions and respond directly here tomorrow morning.

In the mean time, please do continue the dialogue if of interest to you.
 
FallenAngelina said:
I'm not sure what you mean by "blindly" but your response holds the usual skeptical perspective that most of us are taught: "Feelings" are less than, suspect, not to be trusted, certainly nothing to navigate life by. In truth, feelings are our navigational tool and give us moment by moment feedback about where we are heading. Not respecting feelings is flying blind. Notice, I don't recommend acting out every feeling. I am talking about respect and esteem for the vital information that they carry.
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Blindly means without thought or consideration.

In this case the feeling is jealousy. So his partner is supposed to stop because he is feeling jealous? He is supposed to walk away because he is feeling jealous? No. He should be examining why he is jealous. Is it an ownership thing? If someone feels they own their partner, should the partner comply? Or is it a fear that she will suddenly take off with one of these anonymous guys? Highly unlikely to happen. Or what? The jealousy is a symptom of something that needs to be discovered. Acting on the jealousy without knowing the cause is pure folly.

On the broader subject of feelings in general, how often do we tell people to watch out making decisions while in NRE? That's because they are following feelings more than logic. Judgement gets clouded by feelings.

I'm not saying to ignore feelings so do not pretend I said that. I said examine your feelings.
 
vinsanity0 said:
The jealousy is a symptom of something that needs to be discovered.
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Here we agree, Vinsanity.

I was responding to the OP's thoughts that he should "suck it up" and "grow thicker skin," which never works and is a disastrous recipe for resentment, anxiety and even illness down the line. The chorus of recommendations to be "cool with it like us" and find ways to embrace his GF's chosen profession push aside the very real and very apparent aversion he has to his beloved choosing this kind of work. His aversion comes from somewhere real and it's not anything that he can or should just step over. At very least, aversion, jealousy and fear signal to us that we need to slow down because something is terribly off for us. The first step in processing feelings is to accept them without shame. Compounding difficult feelings with guilt over having them in the first place only creates more stumbling blocks, it does nothing to help examine them. The OP perhaps does have some insecurities that he'd benefit from working on, but this pressure cooker advice to "get over it, it's your problem" only leads to more anxiety. A lot of people would be upset in his position and a lot of people would feel that unapologetically. They would be in a lot better place than a guy who is upset over his GF's choice to do sex work and his feeling shame and guilt on top of it. I have no recommendation of a course of action for the OP, but I know that any desirable outcome has to start with him listening to, respecting and honoring how he feels - and if the GF is worthy of the love he has for her, she would do the same. That's the only place that positive movement can begin.
 
In your op, you said that you became "relatively mono" and decided "by default." Did you have any explicit agreements?

From my perspective, if she had agreed to a traditional monogamous relationship, then yes. She would be in the wrong for taking a job that requires sexual infidelity. Phone/cyber sex is still a sexual activity that is typically prohibited in monogamy and would feel like a betrayal as much as having sex with someone would (I would think).

If she did NOT actually agree to monogamy, then I don't see how you could hold it against her. She has a job she enjoys. She's participating in a version of interactive porn/anonymous phone sex that is not affecting anyone's health or safety. She is being honest and upfront about her activities and her enjoyment of them. In her shoes, I wouldn't plan to leave a position I enjoy for another job just to appease a partner.

So, back to my first question. What were your actual agreements?
 
AlwaysGrowing said:
In your op, you said that you became "relatively mono" and decided "by default." Did you have any explicit agreements?

From my perspective, if she had agreed to a traditional monogamous relationship, then yes. She would be in the wrong for taking a job that requires sexual infidelity. Phone/cyber sex is still a sexual activity that is typically prohibited in monogamy and would feel like a betrayal as much as having sex with someone would (I would think).

If she did NOT actually agree to monogamy, then I don't see how you could hold it against her. She has a job she enjoys. She's participating in a version of interactive porn/anonymous phone sex that is not affecting anyone's health or safety. She is being honest and upfront about her activities and her enjoyment of them. In her shoes, I wouldn't plan to leave a position I enjoy for another job just to appease a partner.

So, back to my first question. What were your actual agreements?
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Thank you for feedback everyone.

Our agreement was full monogamy except same gender play. She is Bi, I am inexperienced but curious. We Ideally would like to play with a couple some day, but not now -- the plan was for our future when more stable.
Opposite gender sexual interaction, even if deemed, "not intimate" was not in our agreement.

Introducing others prior of the opposite sex has caused us a lot of sorrow and, more importantly, hampered our intimacy. We realized through a long talk last night that we were unconsciously introducing others to keep our emotional intimacy at arms length, to reduce the fear fear of being truly close and then possibly, "losing everything." We both have done it, and it was not boding well.
Here husband died three years ago of an illness. She has been terrified of relationships.
She has decided to explore her other means of income (not as ideal schedule wise, but she has them) and to leave the work for now. But I encouraged her not to burn the bridge with them. It has impacted her health with laryngitis / inability to talk after her long days and nights. I suggested she simply thank them and let them know that.
She feels good about it -- but I am going to check in with her tonight, let her know that we can discuss in future if something changes. But right now we both feel invigorated to see how our intimacy can grow without pain and bad feelings. Without a wedge between us. See what we are truly capable of with some peace.

I hope this makes sense.
 
Hi Wyrdkiss,

It sounds like the two of you have come to an agreeable compromise. I take it she is quitting the OSO for now? In any case, I'm glad you are working things out.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Am I missing something?

Perhaps I'm missing something.

She started a job as an OSO.
You felt jealous and bad about this.
You convinced her to give up OSO job. She agreed.

As has been described, just sucking it up leads to problems.

However, the path you've chosen (I'm feeling jealous so you need to stop what you are doing) is not any better. It relieves the pressure on you while putting onus on her to deal with your jealousy by changing HER behavior. While she may have agreed to it, the problem is your jealousy. Not her job or behavior.

I believe that other posters, in saying that the OSO work is anonymous where trying to give you a handle to begin dealing with your jealousy. So while it's very accommodating of her to leave her job, what are you going to do in the interim to deal with your jealousy? (Hint: there are lots of online resources for this)

This problem will occur again.
 
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sdguitarguy said:
Perhaps I'm missing something.

She started a job as an OSO.
You felt jealous and bad about this.
You convinced her to give up OSO job. She agreed.

As has been described, just sucking it up leads to problems.

However, the path you've chosen (I'm feeling jealous so you need to stop what you are doing) is not any better. It relieves the pressure on you while putting onus on her to deal with your jealousy by changing HER behavior. While she may have agreed to it, the problem is your jealousy. Not her job or behavior.

I believe that other posters, in saying that the OSO work is anonymous where trying to give you a handle to begin dealing with your jealousy. So while it's very accommodating of her to leave her job, what are you going to do in the interim to deal with your jealousy? (Hint: there are lots of online resources for this)

This problem will occur again.
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This exactly.

I once had a partner who was very jealous. She did not deal with it well. That did leave it on me to accommodate her by changing my behavior. The constant pressure to prove myself became too much so I left.
 
Wyrdkiss said:
....we were unconsciously introducing others to keep our emotional intimacy at arms length, to reduce the fear fear of being truly close and then possibly, "losing everything." We both have done it, and it was not boding well.....But right now we both feel invigorated to see how our intimacy can grow without pain and bad feelings.
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I agree with the suggestion that your jealousies and insecurities are yours to examine and will not evaporate because your GF has left this job. They will arise again. Your jealousy was a deafening alarm and it's good that you both listened to it, but it will go off again and again unless you delve into what it's all about for you. What is your plan going forward, then? As Rudy Giuliani famously said, "Hope is not a strategy." We all "hope" that we can never encounter pain and bad feelings again, but the kind of struggle with intimacy that you describe is not something that goes away simply because you and your GF have agreed to work it out. What is your plan for you? Couples don't get emotionally healthier so much as individuals do. Your relationship may very well flourish with renewed commitment to joyful intimacy, but only if each of you individually does his/her own internal work.
 
Just wanted to say, it took me an embarrassingly long time to figure out that OSO = Online Sex Operator (even though it's right there in the title!)

I am used to OSO being the poly abbreviation for Other Significant Other! :)

At first, I though the OP was saying that he felt his partner's online sex work was equivalent to her having another significant other! LOL, I get it now.

Just relaying this in case others reading were also tripped up by the abbreviation.
 
MeeraReed said:
Just wanted to say, it took me an embarrassingly long time to figure out that OSO = Online Sex Operator (even though it's right there in the title!)

I am used to OSO being the poly abbreviation for Other Significant Other! :)

At first, I though the OP was saying that he felt his partner's online sex work was equivalent to her having another significant other! LOL, I get it now.

Just relaying this in case others reading were also tripped up by the abbreviation.
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You weren't the only one. When I first read it I thought she found an OSO and was having phone sex with him. I had to read it twice...lol
 
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