Limerence, recovery,

Wanted to give an update. So far, I waited to resume communication with “S” until she reached back out to me. She made two comments that completely avoided addressing what I thought was the elephant in the room. Then she replied to both me and my wife, essentially saying she takes a while to process, she had confusing feelings about our night, she likes
Getting to know us and hanging out. She also said this was new for her and that was part of the explanation for long process time and confusion.

None of these explanations made sense to me, at least not in non-deal breaker ways. Then a possible, relationship saving scenario made sense. Here is my response to her and my wife, who was not engaging in the messages but was on there.

“Thank you for your response. I’m picking up from what you have shared so far there is either a communication breakdown or possibly mismatch in interest, timing, comfort, wants... or there are other factors you prefer not to share or get into.

I try to put myself in your position and imagine you are in a tricky spot of reading and predicting Katie and my interest and readiness and reconciling with your own needs and wants. I also know that Communicating thoughts and feelings is a strength of mine where as, Katie’s feelings are a lot harder to read, and imagine our evening may have been confusing from the standpoint of knowing how to react so as not to make other people uncomfortable.

Finally, If my advances on Saturday were unwelcome and caused you any discomfort I am sincerely sorry and want you to know that I thought you were as into it as I. I wasn’t sure if Katie was in the same place so I stopped and had Katie go in the middle. If you were also unsure how Katie felt then it would make sense to me why you would be left feeling confused. If I am understanding this correctly I would recommend we discuss in person before miscommunication ruins potential. If I have it all wrong and this is more a case of mismatched interest and misunderstanding, then I don’t think there is any need to belabor the point and we can continue from here as friends.”

I sent this last Friday, thanks to how horrible Facebook messenger is, I could see her log on and stay on for a while after I sent it. Then I saw her bubble meaning she was reading it, then logged back off without even considering a response.

She has not responded since which tells me one or all of the following, 1) she is a really bad communicator and even if this relationship had a chance, which it certainly doesn’t, it would mean signing up for infinite more interactions like this. 2) she is interested enough to check what I sent but is either playing games or not much more than curious. Also another one for the bad relationship column.

3) this isn’t worth her energy to respond which I feel pretty upset about. I know and agree this is my issue but I wish there was an “exit interview” we could do so I knew what was going on this whole time and why did it end so quick and without comment. She had initiated interest with me first this time and I just can’t figure it out how this happened.

So now, any good recommendations on getting back on your feet after an end? I didn’t even know her that well so I’m confused as to why I am taking this so hard.

Finally, if you care to, please tell me living poly is worth all this. I’ve put a year of effort in reading, talking,... put my heart out there, experienced excitement and then deep disappointment and sorrow. Is there a point where there is more benefit than pain?
 
Vleit said:
I’m confused as to why I am taking this so hard.
.... please tell me living poly is worth all this.
Click to expand...

Poly will shine a light on everything you've got going on in yourself and in your relationships. Maybe someone else can explain why it's easier for many of us to hide from ourselves in monogamy. I'd say that any genuinely intimate relationship will bring up difficult feelings at times and that it's always our choice whether to work on ourselves, poly or mono.

Why are you taking this so hard? I addressed this in my posts to you in this thread. I'm not at all surprised that a woman you barely know rocks your world. We can call it codependency or repeating a pattern or whatever, but the label doesn't matter so much as the awareness. If we've chosen not to hide from ourselves, we often seek out people who will draw out our unresolved issues. This woman gives you the gift of showing you exactly where you need to work. This isn't about whether poly is worth your efforts, this is about what you're going to do about your internal pain that yet another woman has revealed to you.
 
I am about to print off all of your comments in this thread and tape them up around my house where I will see them. I am deeply grateful for your sharing of insights with me. It does seem to be a chronic Condition or spiritual calling of mine, to see, feel and then work on my issues. I think of all the helpful things you said, the most powerful to me was the confirmation that this experience can be seen as a gift of clarity for me rather than a failure inextricably tied to my shortcomings. It may have come to this through that as well but if I have needed all of these conditions as steps in my path then each part has been a blessing and gift.

Thank you for reminding of my true nature, I will try to hold onto this peace and clarity.

Namaste
 
Vleit said:
....this experience can be seen as a gift of clarity for me rather than a failure inextricably tied to my shortcomings.
Click to expand...

I think that taping this around our homes would benefit all of us, all of the time, Vleit. I know that I certainly could use the reminders. :)
 
I tend to overthink everything and prefer extreme clarity - which can freak people out when it comes to interaction/emotions, because most people aren't used to being so actively aware/engaged/observed on an emotional level unless something goes wrong. I notice the smallest nuance, which can lead to situations like yours, where a slightly unsatisfactory response gets overanalyzed and given more meaning than it needs to have.

I have found it helpful to recognize that in some situations ambiguity or lack of clarity is normal and expected and perhaps even desirable, so then my analysis can go and stop at "irritatingly unclear as is to be expected at this stage" instead of "unclear. What does she really mean?" followed by microanalysis of everything. In the sense of recognizing "forming" type situations as being "perfect" if there is a little lack of clarity on occasion. It is still forming. Clarity will emerge. Nothing wrong. Of course if something is clearly wrong, different matter, but it helps to prevent me from overreacting to something that could have many interpretations and that I lack context to understand fully in initial stages by deliberately making me aware that there are things I don't know about that observed response and my perception of it could be way off the mark.
 
Update:

Hello anything ne following or reading this thread. I want to share my gratitude to the members who have shared their perspective with me this far. Your comments, replies and insights into how you deal has been a great source of healing and coping for me. As of right now, I am mostly back to fine again emotionally. I say mostly Because I still sway back and forth from gratitude for the experiences I’ve had and the personal growth it has encouraged me to pursue to a sense of loss and missed opportunity. My sorrow can last for several hours but not at a level that is intolerable, just present and unpleasant. My latest “lesson” on how to process this has been gleaned from a book I just read, poly guide for men seeking to date women. The idea is that dating has less to do about being accepted or rejected (as there are more women who will reject me than reciprocate) but looking at it as wether we made a good match of interests, personal and relationship goals and general romantic compatibility. So I’m applying that to my thoughts of “I just wish I understood how things could seem so good and shared to the current situation which is complete termination of communication”. When I start thinking a version of this thought I interrupt it with “not a match, we were just not a match and it doesn’t matter the reason why”. My fears of scarcity or doubt that I am attractive enough to have another chance are MY issues and have nothing to do with “S’s” reasons for her responses. This fear is also completely irrational as I am married to a woman whom I love and says she loves and finds me attractive, therefore she is probably not the only woman in the world who will also feel attraction towards me.

I continue to read and explore this relationship model and while I’m not currently involved in a poly relationship, there is pleasure and excitement in the time before one happens. And right now I would like to take this opportunity to focus on my personal improvement and bathe in the beauty of fantasy and excitement of not knowing who or how my life will unfold next.
 
Sounds like things are going better, that's good to hear.
 
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