Not Fully Open Marriage. Just her not me

C

CasualObserver

New member
My name is Ed and I have been turned on by the idea of my wife sleeping with another man for as long as I can remember. Now she has met someone and is ready to do so. The first attempt was a disaster. She changed her mind, etc. She has given him oral while at work and was then put off by the distance he put between the two of them. I am afraid that they will develop feelings for each other, but I am also for that. I want to want to be poly, but am afraid I can only handle the hot wife concept of her sleeping with another and coming back to me. The problem I see here is wondering if this is possible - to have sex without developing feelings. And then I ask myself, what would be so wrong if she did have feelings?

Anyways, maybe we're on the verge of poly or maybe we aren't, but I do have questions. We have made a constitution that talks about how we want and need to communicate, etc. In there it says she'll cut it off if feelings begin to happen, but even I wonder if this is just wishful thinking that they won't.

Any feedback would be great and any mentorship would be even greater.

NooB who needs help. Thanks.
 
This is a board focused on polyamory. While sex positive we focus on romantic relationships with more than one partner whether they involve sex or not. So you probably will get better advice on you situation on a swingers board.

Here many of us are anti veto power. Do not believe in forcing rules upon others (aka your spouses partner) with out their consent. And look badly upon treating others like sex toys to spice up your marriage.

Good luck to you.
 
CasualObserver said:
.... she'll cut it off if feelings begin to happen....
Click to expand...

A lot of people seem to make this pact, but it is delusional, cruel, small minded and terribly harmful to the spousal/partnered relationship. The fatal flaw of the sexual revolution is that we've all come into the notion that cutting off our emotions around sex is natural, easy and even desirable. When in truth, humans have known for millennia that sex is deeply bonding by design and why historically we have instituted all sorts of social rules around who can have sex and where and when and with whom. Sexual freedom in a partnership is great, but requires enormous maturity and respect for the overwhelming bonding experience that it can be. Swingers and hotwifers have various limits on sexual interaction for exactly this reason. Don't for one minute fool yourself that repeated, private sexual union won't result in "feelings." Attempting to cut them off (and make no mistake - it would be an attempt and repression at best, not something anyone can actually do) can very well be cruel for the other man, painful for your wife and damaging to your spousal relationship. IMO, this popular type of pact is complete and utter insanity.
 
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Thanks for the quick replies! Poly is very cool - something that I even strive toward. Perhaps we will get there at some point. Perhaps other poly couples start the way my wife and I are. Because for me to get there it would be a process. Probably one where my wife DID develop feelings for her lover. I may not be as evolved as a poly pro, but I do have a healty respect for poly, which is why I came here to post. I appreciate your replies and responses.

Ed.
 
What's your wife's standpoint on poly? Does she want two partners in the long run? Does she just want to try some one-night stands? Something else?

IMHO what happens when she tries other relationships depends very strongly on what she desires, deep down, not even the things she tells you that she finds reasonable, but her true emotions around the topic. Is it bonding she craves? Then she'll develop feelings for sure. Is there, in fact, a bit of a dissatisfaction with the marriage? She may jump for the new and shiny. Is it passion? You may be surprised how much life force is unlocked at once.
Some radical honesty about your motivations for the whole thing is called for at this point - at least her with herself (and you with yourself), and then, possibly, with each other.

Btw. almost no one here would dare call herself a "poly pro", we're just people with different experience and an opinion, so just take the advice that suits ;)
 
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We all live/practice polyamory differently.

Even if our partnerships look the same on paper we all do poly differently. What works for my life may not work for others. None of us are poly experts.

Polyamory can destroy a marriage. Even the strongest marriage. It dies not fix anything. The only thing it sometimes helps is mismatched libido between partners. NRE is a wicked drug and it can reak havoc. It sometimes takes one hell of a partner to weather that.
 
Hi

Welcome Ed! Stick around... Lots to learn.
Poly's are not more evolved, for as much as some of us love the idea lol, it's just a different way of relating.

You want to understand poly fast, Ed? Lol
Love in a healthy way all around! That's it.... Anything else is garbage..no matter the length of the rhetoric


What is your SO's Stace as asked above?
And I second Fallen!!
See you around
 
Ed,

You are about to probably create a disaster for yourself, not because of your fantasy but because of your expecting to be able to totally control the situation.
So lets start with the major mistakes.

(1) terrible idea for her to become involved in any way with a co worker sexually. If she does develop feelings and you want it to stop, it is going to be immensely more difficult if she is with him 8-10 hours a day. On top of that there are or can be workplace ramifications.
(2) if you do any reading on non monogamy of any kind, you will find that for men sex is the driving motivator and primary reason for embarking on this route. You will also find that for women, very few can regularly have sex with the same man and not develop feelings so the advice you got to try this in the swinger community where people are more than not often looking for hook up sex might be better for you. But understand the same thing can happen if every time you go she winds up with the same guy or guys. Then all of a sudden they are communicating without you knowing it.

You also need to understand that there is a variance of opinion here, and some of the advice you are going to get comes from folks who strongly believe that ANY rules or boundaries that you demand are unreasonable and that it is your job to accept absolutely anything that developers. Your wife needs to understand that you expect any agreements you two make to be honored and that she does not get to unilaterally decide any changes and that you are some kind of ignoramous if you do not accept them. You have a much better chance of success if she believes you mean that.

But no matter how you decide to structure this you are playing Russian roulette involving co workers for a whole variety of reasons so I would certainly re visit that one.

Good luck
 
Hello Ed,

There is a good chance you can be poly. You just have to take things one little step at a time. Your wife will probably develop feelings for her lover, you just have to take it in stride when it happens. And go slow (the both of you), don't be in too much of a hurry. Also continue to read/post on this thread/forum. Learn as much as you can.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I'm poly. My husband is not. You don't both have to have other partners if that isn't something that works for you.

When we first opened our marriage, it was purely for sexual purposes, and we made the same agreement to cut off any connection that "grew feelings." But when I developed feelings for a guy who was supposed to be just a friend with benefits and confessed those feelings to my husband (before I told my FWB), Hubby said, "I don't want you to cut things off with him." That was the end of that rule.

We did tell any prospective partners that we had that agreement, so anyone who got involved did so knowing they might be cut out of our lives. But even though they knew and agreed to be involved anyway, that doesn't mean it was necessarily right or ethical for Hubby and me to have the agreement in the first place.
 
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