I am finding the Life Stories and Blogs section to be very interesting, but there are so many to choose from. The situation I am in involves the continued process of opening our marriage after over two decades of monogamy. I was wondering if anyone could recommend their own or another member's blog involving similar situations? I have read Vinsanties excellently written blog, but I am hopeful there are others. Thank you!
Opening long term marriage to poly - blog
- Thread starter Nonentity
- Start date
vinsanity0
Active member
Mine is probably not the best because we went through most of our problems before I ever found this place. A lot of my posts on here come from that place though so if you have any particular difficulties you are going through, or questions about how to approach certain things, jump right in and ask. You'll get plenty of opinions 
Hi Nonentity,
Perhaps Shaya's foibles would be helpful. Honestly, there are many tales of opening long-term marriage to poly, but each blog is specialized in some way.
Regards,
Kevin T.
Perhaps Shaya's foibles would be helpful. Honestly, there are many tales of opening long-term marriage to poly, but each blog is specialized in some way.
Regards,
Kevin T.
Al99
Well-known member
Regrettably, Shaya is no longer active on the Forum - as he ultimately decided that poly was not him, and least not for right now. However, his posts are very much worth reading - intelligent, articulate, and insightful - from the perspective of a guy from a long term mono marriage considering poly.
My wife had been married several years when she asked me to open our marriage to poly last December so she could explore her resurgent feelings for an old college bf. Ultimately, I agreed. I don't maintain a blog - but there is a link to my introductory story in my signature below.
My wife had been married several years when she asked me to open our marriage to poly last December so she could explore her resurgent feelings for an old college bf. Ultimately, I agreed. I don't maintain a blog - but there is a link to my introductory story in my signature below.
It took about 10 years for my wife to agree to open our marriage. She and I each have a different kink, but they match up very, very well.
My wife's kink is that she is undeniably, a nymphomaniac. I realized that when we started dating in high school. We are now in our 50's, and even after raising two kids, her sex drive is still off the charts.
I discovered my kink when I was about 19 or 20 years old. When she and I were in college and living together, I suspected she was seeing one of my college buds behind my back. It was very confusing to me, at the time, because instead of being jealous, I found myself heavily turned on by the thought of the two of them having sex.
Fast forward about 20 yrs when I finally revealed my kink to her. I confessed to her that all of my fantasies involved sharing her with other men, including many of my friends. I was very scared to tell, but to my surprise, she simply laughed about it and said she could never do it. It would have to remain a fantasy.
Although she was a nympho, she was raised to be very straight laced. I could see the sexual fire that burned inside of her and I wanted to set it free, very badly.
Quite often, I would see her notice other attractive men and there was no mistake that she was secretly desiring them.
She did find my kink very amusing, however, so she would tease me with it, at times. She would also ask me specific questions about my fantasies.
Finally, the right guy came along. Out of the blue, one day she asked me if I still had my kink. When I asked her why, she told me there was a guy she knew that had been hitting on her. I knew the guy as well. He was about 15 yrs younger than her and very well built. I immediately gave her the green light.
She was very nervous to take that step, so she didn't do anything right away. For days, she would ask me if I was sure.
Finally, I had to out of town for a few days. When I got to my hotel room, she texted and told me he had invited her to his house that night. She asked me one more time if I was sure. My reply was "rock his world".
Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep that night. The next day she called me when she left his house. I was surprised how upbeat she sounded. I asked her if she did it. She chuckled and said "hell yes, we fucked all night and again in the morning". She gave me the graphic details when I got home.
For a few weeks, she did go through an emotional roller coaster. On one hand she thoroughly enjoyed the night of raw, uninhibited sex with another man. She told me he had a larger dick than me and he knew how to use it. On the other hand, she was fighting guilt.
For me, it was my true test to see how I would feel if my fantasy became reality. Like I had known for years, I didn't feel the slightest bit of jealousy or second thoughts. I could tell my wife really enjoyed it, and I felt like I gave her a gift, few men would ever consider giving their wives.
After almost a month, her emotions settled down. One morning, she looked at me with a grin and said "ok, I can do this".
She started planning her second night with him. She and I both agreed that he needed to know about my part in this. Unfortunately, it freaked him out and scared him away.
So, the search continues for my wife's lover. It's been almost a year and we are amazed at how difficult it is to find a guy that is willing to be a part of our life.
My wife is a true milf and even gets hit on by guys in their 20s. We have found some interested guys, but when they find out I'm part of the relationship, they run.
My wife has come completely out of the closet, though. She told me that all of my assumptions about her are true. Although she never cheated on me before any of this, she has always known, deep down, she can easily handle having more than one man in her life.
My wife's kink is that she is undeniably, a nymphomaniac. I realized that when we started dating in high school. We are now in our 50's, and even after raising two kids, her sex drive is still off the charts.
I discovered my kink when I was about 19 or 20 years old. When she and I were in college and living together, I suspected she was seeing one of my college buds behind my back. It was very confusing to me, at the time, because instead of being jealous, I found myself heavily turned on by the thought of the two of them having sex.
Fast forward about 20 yrs when I finally revealed my kink to her. I confessed to her that all of my fantasies involved sharing her with other men, including many of my friends. I was very scared to tell, but to my surprise, she simply laughed about it and said she could never do it. It would have to remain a fantasy.
Although she was a nympho, she was raised to be very straight laced. I could see the sexual fire that burned inside of her and I wanted to set it free, very badly.
Quite often, I would see her notice other attractive men and there was no mistake that she was secretly desiring them.
She did find my kink very amusing, however, so she would tease me with it, at times. She would also ask me specific questions about my fantasies.
Finally, the right guy came along. Out of the blue, one day she asked me if I still had my kink. When I asked her why, she told me there was a guy she knew that had been hitting on her. I knew the guy as well. He was about 15 yrs younger than her and very well built. I immediately gave her the green light.
She was very nervous to take that step, so she didn't do anything right away. For days, she would ask me if I was sure.
Finally, I had to out of town for a few days. When I got to my hotel room, she texted and told me he had invited her to his house that night. She asked me one more time if I was sure. My reply was "rock his world".
Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep that night. The next day she called me when she left his house. I was surprised how upbeat she sounded. I asked her if she did it. She chuckled and said "hell yes, we fucked all night and again in the morning". She gave me the graphic details when I got home.
For a few weeks, she did go through an emotional roller coaster. On one hand she thoroughly enjoyed the night of raw, uninhibited sex with another man. She told me he had a larger dick than me and he knew how to use it. On the other hand, she was fighting guilt.
For me, it was my true test to see how I would feel if my fantasy became reality. Like I had known for years, I didn't feel the slightest bit of jealousy or second thoughts. I could tell my wife really enjoyed it, and I felt like I gave her a gift, few men would ever consider giving their wives.
After almost a month, her emotions settled down. One morning, she looked at me with a grin and said "ok, I can do this".
She started planning her second night with him. She and I both agreed that he needed to know about my part in this. Unfortunately, it freaked him out and scared him away.
So, the search continues for my wife's lover. It's been almost a year and we are amazed at how difficult it is to find a guy that is willing to be a part of our life.
My wife is a true milf and even gets hit on by guys in their 20s. We have found some interested guys, but when they find out I'm part of the relationship, they run.
My wife has come completely out of the closet, though. She told me that all of my assumptions about her are true. Although she never cheated on me before any of this, she has always known, deep down, she can easily handle having more than one man in her life.
Nonentity
"I did what you are talking about doing, but not without much ".persuading".
So the first obvious question is WHO is the initiator and are you BOTH on the same page.
After that, lets start with that you are both unique individuals and how someones blog or their opinion is not going to guarantee success.
What you ought to do if you have not already is but the books "More Than Two" and "OpeningUp" where you will get an analysis of the methods and pitfalls given to you by people who are not projecting their experience in everything they say. Your experience will be different.
I would pay particular attention to the chapters that remind you that your decision to change the structure of your marriage can easily destroy it. Too many folks either miss that one or pay no attention.
It did not work out for me but i am still married because staying married was more important to me than getting my way and making every single want I had into a need and changing the rules every time I wanted something else.
If you want to have no rules at all I believe here they call that Polyanarchy (sorry if I am wrong), but if you and your husband agree anything goes than do it. If not, every time you cross a line he has expressed the ice gets thinner. It is not his or your job to automatically accomadate everything that the relationship changes into.
Reading the blogs is great to see the different experiences but just understand what you read is not necessarily how your venture will turn out nor should you necessarily follow that model.
And the last part of your discussion is what you should do as an "exit" plan if its not working for either of you. This is not a course that there is no ability to reverse, but too many never do any planning for that possibility.
Are you willing to end your marriage to remain poly or is your husband. Answer that truthfully BEFORE you are stuck in that situation with a very short window to decide because there are many situations where the venture is not the deal breaker but the refusal to exit is by one or the other partners.
When you made any major decision in your life like buying a house or a job, I hope you had some sort of plan as to what happens if things do not go according to plan. Yes that can need to be adjusted but having some semblance of what to do is a wise thing.
Good luck to you whatever you decide.
"I did what you are talking about doing, but not without much ".persuading".
So the first obvious question is WHO is the initiator and are you BOTH on the same page.
After that, lets start with that you are both unique individuals and how someones blog or their opinion is not going to guarantee success.
What you ought to do if you have not already is but the books "More Than Two" and "OpeningUp" where you will get an analysis of the methods and pitfalls given to you by people who are not projecting their experience in everything they say. Your experience will be different.
I would pay particular attention to the chapters that remind you that your decision to change the structure of your marriage can easily destroy it. Too many folks either miss that one or pay no attention.
It did not work out for me but i am still married because staying married was more important to me than getting my way and making every single want I had into a need and changing the rules every time I wanted something else.
If you want to have no rules at all I believe here they call that Polyanarchy (sorry if I am wrong), but if you and your husband agree anything goes than do it. If not, every time you cross a line he has expressed the ice gets thinner. It is not his or your job to automatically accomadate everything that the relationship changes into.
Reading the blogs is great to see the different experiences but just understand what you read is not necessarily how your venture will turn out nor should you necessarily follow that model.
And the last part of your discussion is what you should do as an "exit" plan if its not working for either of you. This is not a course that there is no ability to reverse, but too many never do any planning for that possibility.
Are you willing to end your marriage to remain poly or is your husband. Answer that truthfully BEFORE you are stuck in that situation with a very short window to decide because there are many situations where the venture is not the deal breaker but the refusal to exit is by one or the other partners.
When you made any major decision in your life like buying a house or a job, I hope you had some sort of plan as to what happens if things do not go according to plan. Yes that can need to be adjusted but having some semblance of what to do is a wise thing.
Good luck to you whatever you decide.
Gmeter, thanks for the account of how it worked in your marriage. Our situation is a little different, in that we are opening up on both sides of the marriage. But if you have an on-going blog here, I would like to read yours. We seem to have some similarities in that the idea of my wife having sex with someone else caused some anxiety, but no regrets, and ended up enhancing our own relationship.
SexySerb,
Thank you for the voice of caution. I have read your entire blog. It was one of the earliest I read and I admire the way you have stayed active here even after closing your marriage again.
I am the male half of the marriage. Opening up has been a multi year process, so far, for us. It is something we both wanted, but pursuing separate poly relationships is fairly new for us. We tried swinging and my wife really did not care for the casual sex aspect. Almost immediately after we agreed to try poly she gradually started a relationship with a co-worker/friend. That has gone pretty smoothly for both of us, though she is getting disappointed it has turned into a more of a irregular hookup FWB relationship and not anything more meaningful. I more recently started a relationship with someone we both know from the kink community. That has been a harder adjustment for my wife and her emotional processing is hard for me to handle. So overall, that is going less well.
We have read the books and attended a poly meetup for almost four years; even knowing it would be hard, neither of us knew how hard it would be. I know I won't find the answers in anyone's blog, but I am hoping I can learn some lessons from other people's mistakes and experiences. Thank you for sharing yours so honestly.
SexySerb,
Thank you for the voice of caution. I have read your entire blog. It was one of the earliest I read and I admire the way you have stayed active here even after closing your marriage again.
I am the male half of the marriage. Opening up has been a multi year process, so far, for us. It is something we both wanted, but pursuing separate poly relationships is fairly new for us. We tried swinging and my wife really did not care for the casual sex aspect. Almost immediately after we agreed to try poly she gradually started a relationship with a co-worker/friend. That has gone pretty smoothly for both of us, though she is getting disappointed it has turned into a more of a irregular hookup FWB relationship and not anything more meaningful. I more recently started a relationship with someone we both know from the kink community. That has been a harder adjustment for my wife and her emotional processing is hard for me to handle. So overall, that is going less well.
We have read the books and attended a poly meetup for almost four years; even knowing it would be hard, neither of us knew how hard it would be. I know I won't find the answers in anyone's blog, but I am hoping I can learn some lessons from other people's mistakes and experiences. Thank you for sharing yours so honestly.
Shaya's collection of blogs including mine might be of interest.
Thanks Nonentity. I don't have an ongoing blog. Maybe I will eventually.
I still consider this new path to be in the experimental stage for my wife and I. So far, it has been a very positive change for us. I can tell she loves her freedom to play and she and I laugh, joke and talk about things we never would have, just over a year ago.
She has not found a new bf yet, but that is mainly her fault. She gets hit on, regularly, by guys in their 20's, but she thinks that is too young for her.
I'm trying to convince her to go for it with these young guys. That they are looking for the same thing she is. They just want sex....no strings, and that is exactly what she is looking for, as well. So, I'm trying to get her to lower her age boundary.
She and I are stronger and closer than ever, and we have been together since we were teenagers. We hide nothing from each other any more.
Good luck with your adventure. Ours has gone very well.