working on it..

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Voluptuouschef

Member
There seems to be a good amount of marriages with poly wives and mono husbands. First off can anyone recommend some books for me to read and pass on to my husband, things available on kindle and audio? Pertaining to jealousy and maybe just general understanding of what it's like to be a polyamorous person.
Maybe I'm not giving my husband enough credit or I've done enough in the past, not the recent few years, but before that when I had an affair, to damage his trust in me. Or perhaps he's just so deeply mono he can't grasp my desires to not be. It's such a hard topic for me to even bring up because of the affair.
It only lasted 6 months but he was so hurt by it and we almost broke up. I actually was trying to convince him to be poly then, I loved the other man and wanted us to all move in together. The other guy was actually onboard but my husband thought I was insane. So now I feel like I'm hurting him just by bringing it up, I try to start out super positive and reaffirm how much I love him and how it's not about him lacking. But I'm not a man, or a husband, or mono lol. So I don't know how to approach it in a way that makes sense to him and will resonate with him.
Lastly how do you guys manage splitting time? We both work full time. We both have start ups we are trying to grow. And we have a kid that we try not to leave with relatives/sitters. I can imagine getting to the point where he is willing to try physical openness, just to see if he could handle. Then maybe moving to poly after, but... Isn't it a little messed up for me to go on dates and leave him to watch our kid? I was reading another thread where the wife had a dom and was neglecting her family. I can't see myself being that selfish but even dating seems selfish to me.
 
The concepts of education & marketing & propaganda & brainwashing are interchangeable. ;)

It's a good idea to make clear what YOUR understanding of the situation is & of YOUR feelings in the matter. That's informative, & a responsibly mature thing to do, & opens potential avenues for deep communication.

But I hope you're not hoping to magically "change his mind" about nonmonogamy. That generally doesn't work out well. In your case, it is going to come across as post hoc rationalization for your choosing to end key agreements upon which your relationship was built.

Speaking as a former entrepreneur, launching a business is hard enough on a monogamous no-child relationship. One decision you need to make is what's more important, getting your venture up to speed OR pursuing multiple relationships.
 
"Leave him to watch your kid"? Isn't he the child's parent? He wouldn't be "watching" the kid, he would be spending time with his child.

If it helps with the above, Hubby is my kids' stepfather, but none of them had an issue with me leaving them with him while I went out with other guys. They were teenagers when it started, though; if your child is younger, it might be different. But your husband still wouldn't be "watching" the kid.

I'm one of the poly wives with a mono husband, but me seeing other people was Hubby's idea for addressing some incompatibilities in our marriage. I think if I'd had to try to convince him, it would have been difficult. (As it was, he had to convince me he was serious and wouldn't think less of me for seeing other guys.)

I don't have any advice on splitting time. My kids are now adults and out of the house, and when they lived here I didn't work outside the home. Hubby also isn't the type who actually wants to spend time doing "couple things", so it doesn't bother him if I'm not home.
 
Hi Voluptuouschef,

It sounds like your husband is not ready to hear about polyamory right now. Maybe he associates it with the affair, I don't know. If he is up for some reading, I recommend Franklin Veaux's Poly FAQ page. It is shorter than a book, but it does a good job of addressing many of the common concerns people have about polyamory. Franklin Veaux also has pages for dealing with jealousy: https://www.morethantwo.com/jealousy-insecurity.html ... there might be something there also for your husband to read.

I take it he is being highly resistant to the concept of open/poly/nonmonogamy. I can only hope that that will change over time.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Ravenscroft said:
The concepts of education & marketing & propaganda & brainwashing are interchangeable. ;)

It's a good idea to make clear what YOUR understanding of the situation is & of YOUR feelings in the matter. That's informative, & a responsibly mature thing to do, & opens potential avenues for deep communication.

But I hope you're not hoping to magically "change his mind" about nonmonogamy. That generally doesn't work out well. In your case, it is going to come across as post hoc rationalization for your choosing to end key agreements upon which your relationship was built.

Speaking as a former entrepreneur, launching a business is hard enough on a monogamous no-child relationship. One decision you need to make is what's more important, getting your venture up to speed OR pursuing multiple relationships.
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I really don't expect to magically change his mind. I guess I could give a time line for clarity. The affair happened in the end of 2012. So it has been a little bit of time. It's been 9 months since I started bringing up open marriage again which he had always been completely opposed to, but after expressing how freaking lonely I was staying home with our kid while he worked 6 days a week on his business after working his normal job, he agreed to let me start the process which after some research a good way was to start talking to people online. Currently though I have feelings for one I've been talking to since then, and he is planning to come to Hawaii to visit me. I want to be able to meet him and see if those feelings are real without sneaking and being an asshole. I'm assuming that since he agreed to start the process he will be slightly more open about opening it up further especially since my stance has changed. I don't want an open marriage because I'm not interested in one night stands or just fucking around. He was my first, I'm not the type to just sleep around it takes a lot of emotional connection and time for me to get there. And since he isn't interested in seeing other people I think a good model for us is poly wife mono husband. The guy I have deep feelings for lives in Cali so I wouldn't be able to date him anyways, not in the traditional sense. I could go visit him and he me several times a year. I feel like I could make time fore that. Your completely right though between work the business and the kid it would be crazy to be trying to date anyone.
 
icesong said:
I don't know how to work on the mindset really... But as far as splitting time, before you ever get to physical openness, consider this: https://medium.com/@PolyamorySchool/the-most-skipped-step-when-opening-a-relationship-f1f67abbbd49
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That's a really informative article! The tone was a bit negative you could read between the lines that the writer had been through all of it with a negative outcome so I'm not sure if have my husband read it lol. But I learned from it, thank you!!
 
KC43 said:
"Leave him to watch your kid"? Isn't he the child's parent? He wouldn't be "watching" the kid, he would be spending time with his child.

If it helps with the above, Hubby is my kids' stepfather, but none of them had an issue with me leaving them with him while I went out with other guys. They were teenagers when it started, though; if your child is younger, it might be different. But your husband still wouldn't be "watching" the kid.

I'm one of the poly wives with a mono husband, but me seeing other people was Hubby's idea for addressing some incompatibilities in our marriage. I think if I'd had to try to convince him, it would have been difficult. (As it was, he had to convince me he was serious and wouldn't think less of me for seeing other guys.)

I don't have any advice on splitting time. My kids are now adults and out of the house, and when they lived here I didn't work outside the home. Hubby also isn't the type who actually wants to spend time doing "couple things", so it doesn't bother him if I'm not home.
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I know lol, he's the father he would be spending time with her not "watching" her and if we were keeping track he has a deficit anyways. She's 10, but over the past few years I've been gone a lot in the evening anyways, with school or work or just going out with friends. So I guess it wouldn't be a drastic sudden change or anything. Your lucky it was his idea, i think id actually be speechless if mine did that. How was it the first time you were intimate and came home after? I feel like that would be the hardest for him, me coming home smelling like another man, or freshly showered.
 
The first time I was with another guy after we opened the marriage, it was a guy I'd been friends with for several years (and had played with a couple of times before I knew Hubby). Hubby asked if I had fun, I told him I did, he asked me not to give him details, and that was the end of it. I don't know that I smelled any different; I have a pretty strong sense of smell, and as far as I remember, I smelled like myself. I think I felt weirder about it than Hubby did.

Hubby has put a few boundaries in place: he prefers I not have other partners visit our home, which is fine since that's my preference too; he doesn't want his family to find out but is okay with me being "out" to everyone else; and of course he wants me to practice safer sex, which we've determined our definition of and I abide by that.
 
KC43 said:
The first time I was with another guy after we opened the marriage, it was a guy I'd been friends with for several years (and had played with a couple of times before I knew Hubby). Hubby asked if I had fun, I told him I did, he asked me not to give him details, and that was the end of it. I don't know that I smelled any different; I have a pretty strong sense of smell, and as far as I remember, I smelled like myself. I think I felt weirder about it than Hubby did.

Hubby has put a few boundaries in place: he prefers I not have other partners visit our home, which is fine since that's my preference too; he doesn't want his family to find out but is okay with me being "out" to everyone else; and of course he wants me to practice safer sex, which we've determined our definition of and I abide by that.
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Those are great boundaries. A few of the articles I've linked to from this thread said that if your not open about it to everyone then it isn't poly. Why is that? I personally wouldn't want to be out in the open with it. I wouldn't want to have to explain my relationships to people or involve a boyfriend with my family. If he was alone on Thanksgiving I would probably invite him but we always have people that aren't related so no-one would care, I just wouldn't feel comfortable holding his hand or anything infront of my people but I barely do that with my husband infront of my family. I would explain it if I were on a date and one of my siblings popped up but I don't see the purpose in informing everyone because it's none of their business. I've always been a very private person, and it wouldn't be about shame or lying.. just none of their business lol.
 
You're going to find a lot of people who say "It isn't really poly if..." For the most part, as far as I'm concerned, they're full of it. It's really poly if *you* feel that it's really poly.

The one thing I do agree with is that it isn't really poly if you're doing it behind the back of someone who's involved. For example, if you dated someone else without telling your husband, or dated another guy but didn't tell him you're married. I wonder if maybe the articles meant you have to be open with everyone *involved*, and not everyone in general?
 
That's what I was thinking..

KC43 said:
You're going to find a lot of people who say "It isn't really poly if..." For the most part, as far as I'm concerned, they're full of it. It's really poly if *you* feel that it's really poly.

The one thing I do agree with is that it isn't really poly if you're doing it behind the back of someone who's involved. For example, if you dated someone else without telling your husband, or dated another guy but didn't tell him you're married. I wonder if maybe the articles meant you have to be open with everyone *involved*, and not everyone in general?
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Literally one said, if you can't invite them for thanksgiving dinner then it isn't poly... that threw me a bit because I have zero intention of announcing it. I talked to my online guy about what I want as far as him being openly with me, open to his wife and my husband. He said he could do that if my husband agrees to it. Now I just need to approach the subject again with my husband.. I'm nervous about it. Probably because I really don't want him to say no, and it's important to me.
 
Voluptuouschef said:
Literally one said, if you can't invite them for thanksgiving dinner then it isn't poly...
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Can you please show the quote and link? I'd like to look at this claim in context and see the source.

Perhaps you're citing the oft quoted Franklin Veaux who says, "in a poly relationship, it is vital...for everyone involved to know and understand the rules of the relationship, and abide by them." There's a big difference between "everyone involved" and "everyone."
 
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FallenAngelina said:
Can you please show the quote and link? I'd like to look at this claim in context and see the source.

Perhaps you're citing the oft quoted Franklin Veaux who says, "in a poly relationship, it is vital...for everyone involved to know and understand the rules of the relationship, and abide by them." There's a big difference between "everyone involved" and "everyone."
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Took me a second to find it. Then I rechecked the online "book" I was looking at. https://www.morethantwo.com/polyamory.html#polyamory-faq

"Polyamory is defined by*informed consent of all the participants.*Without it, it ain’t poly. If you can’t invite your lover over to Thanksgiving dinner with the rest of your family because you don’t want anyone to know what you’re doing, it probably ain’t poly."

I don't believe I took it out of context, and the rest of the article seems pretty, do what works for you, but thanksgiving for me is my entire half of our family, siblings parents cousins. Then we go to my husband's half with grandparents and all. So thanksgiving to me is everyone I love. The idea of my lover attending that... LMAO!! Even if it was just us, my daughter who is 10 doesn't need to know lol.
 
Voluptuouschef said:
Polyamory is defined by informed consent of all the participants.
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This is poly. The Thanksgiving part is just hyperbole. You'll read all sorts of commentary on the internet about what is "true poly" but as an intelligent adult, you'll consider all of the opinions and information, then make your own choices. As long as all of the participants know and consent to the nature of the relationships, it's poly, and the details look different for every poly person. There is absolutely no rule in poly other than there must be fully informed consent among the participants.
 
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Voluptuouschef said:
Took me a second to find it. Then I rechecked the online "book" I was looking at. https://www.morethantwo.com/polyamory.html#polyamory-faq

"Polyamory is defined by*informed consent of all the participants.*Without it, it ain’t poly. If you can’t invite your lover over to Thanksgiving dinner with the rest of your family because you don’t want anyone to know what you’re doing, it probably ain’t poly."

I don't believe I took it out of context, and the rest of the article seems pretty, do what works for you, but thanksgiving for me is my entire half of our family, siblings parents cousins. Then we go to my husband's half with grandparents and all. So thanksgiving to me is everyone I love. The idea of my lover attending that... LMAO!! Even if it was just us, my daughter who is 10 doesn't need to know lol.
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This is why I rarely recommend websites.

I'm just trying to picture how my mom would have reacted to my wife and I showing up with that many people in tow.

But...why wouldn't a partner be someone you love? That would be the part that isn't poly.
 
vinsanity0 said:
This is why I rarely recommend websites.

I'm just trying to picture how my mom would have reacted to my wife and I showing up with that many people in tow.

But...why wouldn't a partner be someone you love? That would be the part that isn't poly.
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That's a valid point lol, I meant my family, people related. But if they needed somewhere to go I'd bring them to my brothers I just wouldn't be able to be open about it. Like explaining who it actually is and being physically intimate with him or her.
 
Update...

So I finally talked to my husband. He was very very sarcastic at first. And kept brining up polygamy and how he could use a few more wives. But I rolled with it and persisted and then let it go for the night. He's the type that has to think about things for a while, mull. So yesterday while we were basking in the sun at the beach I asked him if he'd thought about it at all, and he's like ofcourse! Then changed the subject. After we got home and showered we were making dinner and he said the only way he would agree to it is if I took some more self defense training and change my flight, fight, or freeze reaction to fight. Obviously we have tons more to discuss but... I'm excited by his response.
 
Sounds like things are looking up. :)
 
I'm glad his response was encouraging and I hope it works out for you.
I'm not at all surprised by his reluctance though, because what's in it for him?
When we start out in a traditional monogamous relationship, it's not fair to blame someone for not wanting to change that or trying to force change.
If he's reluctantly giving in, I imagine it's going to be pretty hard for him when he's aware things are really happening.

I'm curious about your apparent one vagina policy. You say it would be a poly for you, mono for him because he's not interesting in seeing others. I wonder if you have really considered how you will feel if down the track he decides he does want a lover? Have you also considered how you would feel if the boot was on the other foot - i.e. he wanted a girlfriend while you had no interest in poly? How would you feel knowing he had a romantic attachment to another woman and was taking time to have sex with and spend time with her?

Sorry about sounding negative. I may have the wrong end of the stick, it's just that from your post it sounds rather one-sided. But obviously I don't know all the details or what's right for you :)
 
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