So here goes, first post. I am male hetero. Married only once, divorced years ago. Have always been monogamous but have always gotten tired of every relationship and ended them properly, no cheating, however feeling terrible hurting someone I care for. Recently ended a relationship with another wonderful woman. Had lunch with a friend who is happily married. Shocked when she told me she would like to date me, and she has been poly for 20 years. Told her I would never take part in cheating. She explained her husband would know and approve, as it makes their life better, and if I get into another relationship I would have to be honest and open about her. Before speaking with her, my plan was to date again and eventually enter into another monogamous relationship. Never considered or knew details of poly life, but have now read the books. Conceptually sounds wonderful. In the abstract, it is something I am made for. I have flexibility with and availability of time, as I have my own business. I never have been and would not be jealous knowing about other relationships. Won't get lonely either. My concern with poly is that having only one part time partner is not going to work for me for very long. I am my early 50's, look much younger, excellent shape, professionally successful, believe I am not unattractive nor lacking in charm. What are my chances of having more than one poly relationship? I live in MA, about 50 miles from Boston, although I travel there and to NYC regularly. Sorry this was so long. Thank you if you read it.
First post
- Thread starter DGM
- Start date
Al99
Well-known member
Hi DGM - and welcome to Forum! I will leave the in depth advice to the more experienced but I would suspect that you could "find" a second partner. I will suggest that you search within the poly community - your chances are undoubtedly greater there. Living and working in major metro areas will be helpful as you will have access to greater poly resources. Best of luck on your journey! Al
Ravenscroft
Banned
Welcome aboard, DGM. 
Always freely ask whatever questions & address any thoughts that pop into your mind -- you'll likely find you're wiser than you presently believe.
Most people in the world will say that monogamy is easier, not because it's actually easier, but rather familiar. After a few tries, almost everyone knows that the chances of the glorious Romantic happily-ever-after couple are rather low, but nevertheless they keep secretly hoping for (if not actively chasing) that ideal. The errors, the unsuccesses, the failures, the disasters... well, most of us have seen plenty of those as well, so we just sort of accept a certain degree of carnage & talk ourselves into believing it can't happen to us, whistling as we walk past the graveyard.
Nonmonogamy seems like a LOT more work simply because those of us who venture into it find ourselves NOT surrounded by the stereotypic situations we grew up seeing all around us -- as well as bombarded by in movies, TV shows, literature high & low, popular songs, famous works of art, even billboards & magazine ads.
In my experience, maintaining multiple happy intimate relationships is LESS work than always needing to "color inside the lines" of Monogamism & do stuff only in the approved manner (without ever being presented with a nice LIST of those expectations let alone detailed explanations of HOW to fulfill them properly) & then there's the "keeping up appearances" stuff that feels somehow shameful even after it dawns on you that MOST people are faking their way through life.
For nonmonogamy, there's more overall effort required, at least at first: there IS a learning curve involved. And there does have to be a little ongoing effort put into not being constantly blatant in public, "not panicking the sheep," because a crazed herd can trample the heck out of you without a speck of bad intent.
And then you might turn around & realize that having multiple lovers (AND a social network of similarly inclined people) takes maintenance & upkeep, but really isn't all so difficult.
You will likely make mistakes; there may be outright failures. So long as you approach situations honestly AND work to clean up any errors AND continue to learn from misstep & success alike, you'll probably do fine.
Your specific situation? I'd recommend taking your time getting involved with your friend. You don't sound at all desperate to attach yourself to someone.
Getting intimate with a friend means redefining that friendship, whether the dyad is a roaring success or abject failure or ANYTHING between. Your background is monogamy, & learning how to do that & be comfortable requires you to have experience. In my life, I can have sex (once or occasionally) with a good friend & not have our friendship clouded up by Romantic nonsense; as well, I can turn a wildly sexual connection into longterm affection. Those skills took practice: wasn't easy the first time, a little difficult the next, briefly awkward the one after...
Hang out with your friends. Ask an occasional question, sure, but mostly just get a feel for "being poly," for living with the changed worldview. Watch how they act in public. Find out how they interact with other polyfolk.
Rather than doing the Monogamist thing -- leaping headfirst into a new dyad & sorting out the details later -- put effort into simply dating your friend. Sure, you "know her very well"... except that you DON'T: you have now been faced with a person who is much more complicated. You need to get to know THAT person, from the beginning, even though she looks & sounds & smells very familiar. An intimate relationship isn't like a house where you can just tack on another floor; to continue the analogy, the foundation won't take it, so if you truly want the space, you need to either tear it down to rebar OR relocate to a more suitable domicile.
Now that you know your friends are poly, you WILL see their relationship differently, including all your memories of them. Now that you know your friend is attracted to you (& not dishonest about it to her partner), you WILL see her in a different light, & wonder at what point she became someone other than you thought.
For now? Date, hang out, adapt to the notion, take your time.
Always freely ask whatever questions & address any thoughts that pop into your mind -- you'll likely find you're wiser than you presently believe.Most people in the world will say that monogamy is easier, not because it's actually easier, but rather familiar. After a few tries, almost everyone knows that the chances of the glorious Romantic happily-ever-after couple are rather low, but nevertheless they keep secretly hoping for (if not actively chasing) that ideal. The errors, the unsuccesses, the failures, the disasters... well, most of us have seen plenty of those as well, so we just sort of accept a certain degree of carnage & talk ourselves into believing it can't happen to us, whistling as we walk past the graveyard.
Nonmonogamy seems like a LOT more work simply because those of us who venture into it find ourselves NOT surrounded by the stereotypic situations we grew up seeing all around us -- as well as bombarded by in movies, TV shows, literature high & low, popular songs, famous works of art, even billboards & magazine ads.
In my experience, maintaining multiple happy intimate relationships is LESS work than always needing to "color inside the lines" of Monogamism & do stuff only in the approved manner (without ever being presented with a nice LIST of those expectations let alone detailed explanations of HOW to fulfill them properly) & then there's the "keeping up appearances" stuff that feels somehow shameful even after it dawns on you that MOST people are faking their way through life.
For nonmonogamy, there's more overall effort required, at least at first: there IS a learning curve involved. And there does have to be a little ongoing effort put into not being constantly blatant in public, "not panicking the sheep," because a crazed herd can trample the heck out of you without a speck of bad intent.
And then you might turn around & realize that having multiple lovers (AND a social network of similarly inclined people) takes maintenance & upkeep, but really isn't all so difficult.
About as high as you WANT them to be. You're mobile, & living in a populous region not dominated by self-righteous nutballs. You have (as it turns out) friends who at least claim to be experienced in polyamory, a boon most people who show up here don't have -- this offers you tremendous opportunity to learn more about living polyamorously.
You will likely make mistakes; there may be outright failures. So long as you approach situations honestly AND work to clean up any errors AND continue to learn from misstep & success alike, you'll probably do fine.
Your specific situation? I'd recommend taking your time getting involved with your friend. You don't sound at all desperate to attach yourself to someone.
Getting intimate with a friend means redefining that friendship, whether the dyad is a roaring success or abject failure or ANYTHING between. Your background is monogamy, & learning how to do that & be comfortable requires you to have experience. In my life, I can have sex (once or occasionally) with a good friend & not have our friendship clouded up by Romantic nonsense; as well, I can turn a wildly sexual connection into longterm affection. Those skills took practice: wasn't easy the first time, a little difficult the next, briefly awkward the one after...
Hang out with your friends. Ask an occasional question, sure, but mostly just get a feel for "being poly," for living with the changed worldview. Watch how they act in public. Find out how they interact with other polyfolk.
Rather than doing the Monogamist thing -- leaping headfirst into a new dyad & sorting out the details later -- put effort into simply dating your friend. Sure, you "know her very well"... except that you DON'T: you have now been faced with a person who is much more complicated. You need to get to know THAT person, from the beginning, even though she looks & sounds & smells very familiar. An intimate relationship isn't like a house where you can just tack on another floor; to continue the analogy, the foundation won't take it, so if you truly want the space, you need to either tear it down to rebar OR relocate to a more suitable domicile.
Now that you know your friends are poly, you WILL see their relationship differently, including all your memories of them. Now that you know your friend is attracted to you (& not dishonest about it to her partner), you WILL see her in a different light, & wonder at what point she became someone other than you thought.
For now? Date, hang out, adapt to the notion, take your time.
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Greetings DGM,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.
You can probably have more than one poly relationship, but it will take some time. It might help if you could find a local poly group. Google "Massachusetts polyamory" or "Boston polyamory" and see if anything turns up. In the meantime, be involved on Polyamory.com, look around and find the threads that interest you, post any questions you may have along the way. It never hurts to learn a little more about poly.
I'm glad you could join us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"
Notes:
There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!
Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.
Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.
If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.
Welcome aboard!
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.
You can probably have more than one poly relationship, but it will take some time. It might help if you could find a local poly group. Google "Massachusetts polyamory" or "Boston polyamory" and see if anything turns up. In the meantime, be involved on Polyamory.com, look around and find the threads that interest you, post any questions you may have along the way. It never hurts to learn a little more about poly.
I'm glad you could join us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"
Notes:
There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!
Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.
Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.
If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.
Welcome aboard!
Welcome to the forum. I never found it hard to have more than one relationship, but I did find that may people were using them a bit as a transitory relationship. I didn't have a situation where we dated long enough for it to be an issue, but we went into it thinking that we'll enjoy each others' company until something changes.
That being said, that might just be a more mature way to look at any potential relationship and not just poly ones.
That being said, that might just be a more mature way to look at any potential relationship and not just poly ones.
Welcome!
Welcome, DGM! Read the guys/gals Carefully ... They are wise words.
From my perspective, life has always been this way! The only thing different is at what point we see it, understand it, participate, enjoy it/or not. I've noticed purposeful nonmonogomy since my teens, very early childhood. Noticed it and purpose from the range of ages too!
Welcome to the Forum, enjoy
Welcome, DGM! Read the guys/gals Carefully ... They are wise words.
From my perspective, life has always been this way! The only thing different is at what point we see it, understand it, participate, enjoy it/or not. I've noticed purposeful nonmonogomy since my teens, very early childhood. Noticed it and purpose from the range of ages too!
Welcome to the Forum, enjoy
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