Coming out nerves

B

Blissa

New member
Have now been in a poly relationship with Biker and Woody for 9 months. It has been amazing, I'm really happy.

Biker told a few of his friends and had a few negative reactions, which upset me, but I have now told my best friend (who reacted so positively, she's wonderful) and we have been out as a 'three' with a couple friend of Biker's and it went really well. (Albeit some fairly personal questions!)

So Biker said recently that as we have been together for this time, it's not a temporary thing, and he'd like to tell his parents. I'm in a flat panic. We don't know his parents very well, although his mum and her partner have been round for dinner and I got on well with them. Have only met his Dad once.

Biker thinks that everyone can see we love each other and he doesn't think they'll react badly. Am I just being a bit of a coward?
 
It's really hard to say, though I suspect Biker would have way more insight than anyone else.

Other than two people, I have encountered nothing but support. Even txgirl's parents seem really happy that she's happy and really enjoy spending time with us.

That being said, parents are the weirdest. I'm still trying to process how my parents feel about it. They treat txgirl great, but my dad never comments (he's afraid Kay will change her mind and take the kids away from me) and my mom just seems hurt. But they always treat txgirl like a welcome guest and are nice to her. There's never a snide comment to her, Kay, or myself and they always enjoy having us over.

If Biker isn't worried about it, I think you're pretty safe.

I will put in Dan Savages advice on this though. You don't have to come out voluntarily. It can be enough to just know you're close and care about each other. It's not really their business to know about your sex life. If you WANT to come out, you can, but you don't have to. If you don't want to, then that's a conversation you need to have with Biker.
 
Your partner knows his parents and apparently trusts them to take the news ok. If you can be cool as cucumbers about coming out chances you'll encounter little problems.
Questions to ask yourself and your partner:
Why is it, that you want to tell parents in the first place? (This could help you give the conversation proper focus.)
What are you nervous about - are any of these fears justified?

Here's a video covering some of the dangers of coming out in a very general way, you might want to check it out (well, at least I found it interesting - but it's admittedly a little grim)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJ-8ocmtb_8
 
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Hello Blissa,

Sometimes coming out goes the opposite of what we think it will. Like, the people you think will be the most accepting actually react the most negatively, and the people you think will reject you the most actually take the news well. There's just no way to tell until you actually try it.

I don't blame you for being scared, coming out is a scary process, until you do it. Then, even if it goes "badly," at least you'll know the initial reaction is behind you.

And FWIW, I feel optimistic about telling Biker's parents. I have a feeling they'll react positively. Keep your chin up and hope for the best!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
If I were monogamous, & had been involved with someone for nine months, I'd feel it was very premature to label it "not temporary" much less to be presented to the family as anything more than a "steady dating" friend.

By the time my parents met my triad partners, we'd been living together 3+ years & they'd heard both names plenty of times (Mom had even been addressing Xmas cards to all three of us).

There's a big difference between being simply "not closeted" & confronting people with it. I've never seen much point in public banner-waving; it's often like seeking the drama of negative attention.
 
Ravenscroft said:
If I were monogamous, & had been involved with someone for nine months, I'd feel it was very premature to label it "not temporary" much less to be presented to the family as anything more than a "steady dating" friend.

By the time my parents met my triad partners, we'd been living together 3+ years & they'd heard both names plenty of times (Mom had even been addressing Xmas cards to all three of us).

There's a big difference between being simply "not closeted" & confronting people with it. I've never seen much point in public banner-waving; it's often like seeking the drama of negative attention.
Click to expand...

This is pretty much how I see it. I've never "come out" in the sense of sitting someone down and saying, "I have something to tell you." I never announced relationships when I was monogamous either.
 
Coming out can be hard for sure.

When I told my mom I expected a big row, considering how conservative she can be with some social issues, but I was pleasantly surprised by how accepting she was. I mean, she wasn't jumping for joy or anything. But basically took a live and let live approach, as long as I was happy she was happy. She actually met my boyfriend during my split from my husband and has had nothing but nice things to say about him since. So it can go well with the people that you least expect.

The worst I've gotten is the whole "I couldn't do it/would be too jealous but kudos to you" line. So....coming out for me hasn't been too bad. You might be pleasantly surprised! On the other hand though I do know of some people who have not met with the approval and support that I have upon coming out as polyamorous.

With that said, come out on your own time. Don't let yourself be pushed beyond what you're comfortable with.
 
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