working on it..

[Voluptuouschef]

Your totally right libertinelover..

Libertinelover:I'm glad his response was encouraging and I hope it works out for you.
I'm not at all surprised by his reluctance though, because what's in it for him?

That's actually one of my main concerns.

If he's reluctantly giving in, I imagine it's going to be pretty hard for him when he's aware things are really happening.

Another concern, how he will react when/if I actually go on a date or spend time with the guy I want to spend time with, what will happen when I come home? Will it be like a one time deal because he will feel betrayed and unloved?

I'm curious about your apparent one vagina policy. You say it would be a poly for you, mono for him because he's not interesting in seeing others.

Definitely not a OVP lol. He literally has repeatedly said he doesn't want to date another woman. Doesn't want to have flings, he would consider a threesome with a chick we both found attractive but that was a recent statement after years of me trying to convince him that it would be fun to have one. He is deeply monogomous and apparently all of his needs sexually and emotionally are met by me alone.

I wonder if you have really considered how you will feel if down the track he decides he does want a lover? Have you also considered how you would feel if the boot was on the other foot - i.e. he wanted a girlfriend while you had no interest in poly? How would you feel knowing he had a romantic attachment to another woman and was taking time to have sex with and spend time with her?

I've been thinking about whether I could handle him having a romantic relationship with another woman because since he's so uninterested I've not thought of it as a possibility. I'd like to say I've considered how I'd feel if I were him but... I honestly can't quite understand it because I have always been of a poly mindset just only recently been able to bring it to light completely. Knowing that he had an attachment and was having sex with and spending time with... is likely be jealous of the time spending, because we don't spend that much time. We both work a lot so we tend to just end up on the couch at the end of long days. I go out with girlfriends once in a while and go chill at my best friends house but he doesn't do any of that ever. So it would be weird that he was making an effort to spend time with another woman when he doesn't do that with me. Sex... as long as we were still getting our 3 or 4 times in a week I wouldn't mind honestly. Maybe it would help with his stamina.

Sorry about sounding negative. I may have the wrong end of the stick, it's just that from your post it sounds rather one-sided. But obviously I don't know all the details or what's right for you

Thank you, and no it's wasn't negative, I'm here because I need opinions outside of my own and can't talk to anyone about this. So please feel free, I need other perspectives. I'm trying so hard not to alienate him, or make him feel unloved, unappreciated, like he's not enough, insecure, any negative self doubt. I don't expect him to be happy if I see other men, but I don't want him to feel like he isn't good enough so I'm looking for a new one, or have any thoughts of ending our marriage. I would rather just let it go and be monogomous then have him feel like crap. The problem with that is... I'm a terrible person and if the opportunity arises I'm prone to cheating. It's been a few years since I have... but I'm trying to be pre-emptive because I've been feeling that feeling again lately.

 

[Ravenscroft]

Holy crap, I need subtitles because I'm clearly missing the subtext...

He was very very sarcastic at first. he said the only way he would agree to it is if I took some more self defense training

I'm glad his response was encouraging

 

[Voluptuouschef]

Holy crap, I need subtitles because I'm clearly missing the subtext...

HA!! No one ever says holy crap, besides me. He's agreed but upon the condition that I get self defense training. I said more because my previous career was in psych, since I worked on a hospital psych unit I had tons of self defense ish training. It was all to evade or get out of holds and then escape. Today he said he wants me to take training where I not only get out of holds and block but to attack as well.
We had a really good talk actually probably the best in a while. It was encouraging lol. He clarified that he does not want to meet them or get any details on what happens. He also doesn't want to lie if people see me, he gets that it's preemptive against cheating and that's his reason for saying yes. He still has no interest and said the thing he will get is seeing me happy lol.

 

[Ravenscroft]

There's a lot to unpack here.

As long as all of the participants know and consent to the nature of the relationships, it's poly

Actually, the factual statement would be "as long as everyone knows, then it's not NOT poly." Meeting just one criterion doesn't qualify.

I'm not seeing any "consent" here. As happens regularly on this site, someone wants help using "logic" to browbeat a partner into "poly enlightenment" (which place, for the record, in nonexistent). In this instance, propagandizing someone, chipping away at his wishes, wearing him down... I cannot feel comfortable encouraging someone (publicly & permanently!!) to treat their "partner" in such a fashion -- the thread ought better be titled "working on HIM." While I can sort of wrap nonmonogamy around that, it at least borders on outright coercion, & doesn't align well with the supposed tenets of polyamory.

I get the feeling there's some elevator fantasy involved here as well:

It only lasted 6 months. I loved the other man and wanted us to all move in together.

I'm a householder, for certain, but I also know that most people really suck at being roommates; it's a skill that few use after their early 20s. Two people who are already intimate when both find a new place together... that has a chance because it's a shared adventure. But one moving in with the other is a territorial incursion, on top of learning how to put up with each other for more than sex-&-socializing. Add more factors (preexisting marriage, say, or a child) & the likelihood declines.

If that fantasy exists, there's probably others...

There seems to be a good amount of marriages with poly wives and mono husbands.

Mmmmm... not really, no. It doesn't "happen all the time," certainly. Even if it did, I don't see the relevance -- it's not "a guy thing."

I talked to my online guy about what I want

It's really NOT good to start trying to make a personal change of philosophy (worldview, whatever) when someone's "waiting in the wings." It's LESS good to force it onto someone else.

In your case, you're "in love" with someone who's never been within spitting distance, right? Do you know his wife at least as well? Will she be accompanying him on that trip? And if at some point it's a fail, are you committed to dating others, or is "poly" a fleeting fantasy intended only to shoehorn New Guy into your life (household, marriage)?

I'm excited by his response.

But... why??? Of all the rules laid down by a spouse, "take a 'Street Smarts' refresher class" is a new one on me. And everything leading up to that practically shrieks "I am NOT comfortable with any of this."

If an individual is truly dedicated to a change of course, then (IMO) that person should ALSO be willing to take that path as an individual if necessary -- clinging to a dyad that's ill-suited (at best) for the new direction is "couple first" thinking, & thus a lot closer to monogamy than to polyamory.

Here, that'd mean separation. Statements such as the following are either FACT -- & might thus need to be backed up by action -- or empty hyperbole:

perhaps he's just so deeply mono he can't grasp my desires to not be.

And perhaps he is, & that won't change at all over years. VC, if your "desires" are as "deep" as his, then you're each pulling in opposite directions.

It looks a lot like wing-walking: clinging to Old Faithful as a backup plan if the fantasy falls flat. Having a common child increases the likelihood; needing a "cushion" while ramping up a business makes it more so.

Here's how I see the situation. In no particular order:

• business
• marriage
• cohabitation (family of three living under one roof)
• parental rights
• outside boyfriend(s)

Give up ONE of those, immediately & permanently. Then choose which one is next to be set aside (at least temporarily) when the remaining three get difficult.

Anything else is fantasy.

 

[Voluptuouschef]

Ravencroft

I was waiting for/dreading your response. Thank you for your response it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I've been creeping around on the site for a bit and reading everything I can when it pertains to marriage and or family. Your posts can be quite good, or way too blunt, my problem with them is the length and language. Too many words to make a statement, I tend to look for the actual statements of your opinion not facts of life and ignore the rest. It's hard to do sometimes though, it's like I tell my kid, if you want to keep your audiences interest and actually get them to listen and understand you have to be clear concise and timely.
That being said, it's your quoting me one sentence out of a paragraph and taking it out of context to make a point that irritates me. I want to reply but... there's just too much to be able to properly hit each point. I'll give it a go to some extent.
No I'm not browbeating or chipping away, less talking has occurred then you seem to think and I've told him in every conversation that he can say no and I will be fine. Is he excited and happy about it no, but after 15 years together he knows me. Does the situation for into a def of poly, I believe it does. Multiple loving relationships with the full consent and knowledge of all involved.
Idk what elevator fantasy is but that was out of context. We live in Hawaii. The cost of living is ridiculous it was a fantasy of changing some financial burden while also being with someone I loved... years ago. Was using it as an example of my capacity to love multiple people so... Out of context.
Irrelevant
I said inlove but changed it to strong feelings... you grabbed the wrong sentence. How would I know his wife if I met him online? Poly came before the guy. If it doesn't work am I willing to ditch poly to save my marriage? I think that's what your asking but.... idk actually so I'll answer that. Yes I would because I want him to be happy and I want to be with him. Or are you asking if things don't workout with the guy will I ditch polyamory? No. If you'd been paying attention you would have read that it's been a long time coming and a slow build to this point for years. He is someone I'd like to make a loving relationship but my desire to be with others is not based on him.
He's concerned about my safety. It wasn't a question before the sexual assault last year now he wants me to be able to handle myself in any situation. I don't see it as odd but I know him so... So in your opinion because I want to be polyamorous I should split from my husband, which isn't financial feasible, and would hurt our kid.. So I can.. ? Be poly alone? I've been with him for almost 15 years ofcourse I think about him first, what kind of dick would I be if I didn't?
I have no idea what your asking or stating so I'll skip that one.
Your suggesting that I can't be a mom, wife, business owner, and have relationships? That I'll have to drop something or maybe 2.. because giving up my parental rights is a thought I've ever had... wth? So I'll mark the last section down as crazy talk, women are superheroes once you've pushed another human out of your body and been a working mum with 2 jobs... you can do anything. Don't assume that because it's no possible for you it wouldn't be for me. I have youth and experience in multitasking on my side.
Thank you again for the response I will take a few sentences into consideration.

 

[PurpleSun]

You could ease him into it with a "Don't ask, Don't tell" type situation. It really depends on what you want your poly to look like. If you want this new man to be a part of your every day life, then my suggestion won't work...but I've been in relationships before with mono people who didn't even want to know of the existence of other partners. I find that odd, and it only works short term for me, because my other partners are an important part of my life that I need to be able to go out in public with, introduce to my existing partner, etc.

 

[WhatHappened]

Your posts can be quite good, or way too blunt, my problem with them is the length and language. Too many words to make a statement, I tend to look for the actual statements of your opinion not facts of life and ignore the rest. It's hard to do sometimes though, it's like I tell my kid, if you want to keep your audiences interest and actually get them to listen and understand you have to be clear concise and timely.

Pot, meet Kettle. Your own posts tend to cram paragraphs together with no white space. It seems to me that your real point in this was to cut his legs out from under him and thus hint that what he's actually saying might be invalid.

I agree with virtually everything Ravenscroft said. You say you're...

not browbeating or chipping away, less talking has occurred then you seem to think and I've told him in every conversation that he can say no and I will be fine.

and immediately add...

Is he excited and happy about it no, but after 15 years together he knows me.

I'm guess what he knows of you is that you're not going to let up. He's not excited or happy about it. Yet you later say you've been talking about it for 9 months. How is this not browbeating or chipping away?

Does the situation for into a def of poly, I believe it does. Multiple loving relationships with the full consent and knowledge of all involved.

We can quibble about definitions. I personally don't see it as 'full' consent when it's consent finally given after 9 months of pressure. He says no. He changes the subject. He's not happy or excited about it. But he finally relents....this is hardly what I'd call full consent. I'd call it caving.

Your suggesting that I can't be a mom, wife, business owner, and have relationships? That I'll have to drop something or maybe 2...women are superheroes once you've pushed another human out of your body and been a working mum with 2 jobs... you can do anything. Don't assume that because it's no possible for you it wouldn't be for me. I have youth and experience in multitasking on my side.

Women are no more superheroes than men. I don't care if you've pushed three or ten human beings out of your body, there are still only 24 hours in a day.

I know lol, he's the father he would be spending time with her not "watching" her and if we were keeping track he has a deficit anyways. She's 10, but over the past few years I've been gone a lot in the evening anyways, with school or work or just going out with friends. So I guess it wouldn't be a drastic sudden change or anything.

How does your husband have a deficit in being with his daughter if you've been gone so many evenings? You had an affair 5 years ago, when your daughter was 5. You've been gone a lot for school, work, and friends, while your husband is working and starting a business and apparently the one home with your daughter.

Maybe you think you can do it all with youth and energy, but your husband and daughter may have some feelings about you being gone so much. This impacts them. You may want to read some of the sexyserb's posts. Your husband may decide this isn't much of a marriage, with him working, running a business, and being effectively a single parent while you're off having sex with a boyfriend.

... can anyone recommend some books for me to read and pass on to my husband...Pertaining to jealousy and maybe just general understanding of what it's like to be a polyamorous person.
Maybe I'm not giving my husband enough credit or I've done enough in the past, not the recent few years, but before that when I had an affair, to damage his trust in me. Or perhaps he's just so deeply mono he can't grasp my desires to not be. It's such a hard topic for me to even bring up because of the affair.
..... But I'm not a man, or a husband, or mono lol. So I don't know how to approach it in a way that makes sense to him and will resonate with him.

This has nothing to do with him being 'unable to grasp' anything. Or being a man. It's not about his lack of 'understanding' or 'jealousy.' This isn't about 'making sense.' You want two different things. And you've been pushing him on this for 9 months...on top of cheating on him.

You could ease him into it with a "Don't ask, Don't tell" type situation.

Why is the goal to 'ease someone into' a situation he clearly does not want to be in? Her husband has been resisting this for 9 months.

Go ahead and do what you're doing. Keep trying to convince him. But my guess is you're going to end up losing your marriage and family.

 

[Magdlyn]

We have had people here who have eased into poly in a similar way to what you are proposing. You have a long distance internet "lover," 2000 miles away, or whatever it is from California to Hawaii. He's married. So, you propose seeing him a few times a year. This may help your husband to adjust somewhat. How long of a visit does your bf plan? 3 days? A week? The longer you're gone from the house, off on your romantic adventure at your bf's hotel, the harder it will be on your husband/family/job.

Likewise, you propose to fly to CA several times a year. How will this impact your husband, your child, your job and your startup? Is it practical?

How about finding a more local bf? Just an idea... A quick once a week date might be easier on all concerned...

Anyway, I don't think you're being quite honest with yourself. You contradict yourself. You say you're quite willing to give up the idea of poly if your husband really can't deal. Then in the next breath you assure us you're a terrible person and you'll just cheat if your husband doesn't agree to poly! (*wipes hands* "There, that's all sorted!")

And now you suddenly throw in the idea of self defense/attack. So, you were sexually assaulted recently and your hubby has your affair in his mind as well as your assault. You broke his trust by cheating. It seems this hasn't quite healed. And now he's got a recent assault on his mind and is afraid for your safety.

Add in, you're both too exhausted at the end of the day from your jobs to do more than flop on the couch... but I bet you have energy to text your bf....

You have a lot on your plate, to say the least.

 

[Voluptuouschef]

You could ease him into it with a "Don't ask, Don't tell" type situation. It really depends on what you want your poly to look like. If you want this new man to be a part of your every day life, then my suggestion won't work...but I've been in relationships before with mono people who didn't even want to know of the existence of other partners. I find that odd, and it only works short term for me, because my other partners are an important part of my life that I need to be able to go out in public with, introduce to my existing partner, etc.

Hi! We talked about that part my husband doesn't want to know or meet or anything. The guy lives in Cali so couldn't be a part of my every day, and I don't really know if I'd want that anyways. I'd be fine going out in public and stuff but I can't yet invision having someone be an actual part of my life and involved with my daughter and stuff.

 

[Voluptuouschef]

Pot, meet Kettle. Your own posts tend to cram paragraphs together with no white space. It seems to me that your real point in this was to cut his legs out from under him and thus hint that what he's actually saying might be invalid.

I agree with virtually everything Ravenscroft said. You say you're...

and immediately add...

I'm guess what he knows of you is that you're not going to let up. He's not excited or happy about it. Yet you later say you've been talking about it for 9 months. How is this not browbeating or chipping away?

We can quibble about definitions. I personally don't see it as 'full' consent when it's consent finally given after 9 months of pressure. He says no. He changes the subject. He's not happy or excited about it. But he finally relents....this is hardly what I'd call full consent. I'd call it caving.

Women are no more superheroes than men. I don't care if you've pushed three or ten human beings out of your body, there are still only 24 hours in a day.

How does your husband have a deficit in being with his daughter if you've been gone so many evenings? You had an affair 5 years ago, when your daughter was 5. You've been gone a lot for school, work, and friends, while your husband is working and starting a business and apparently the one home with your daughter.

Maybe you think you can do it all with youth and energy, but your husband and daughter may have some feelings about you being gone so much. This impacts them. You may want to read some of the sexyserb's posts. Your husband may decide this isn't much of a marriage, with him working, running a business, and being effectively a single parent while you're off having sex with a boyfriend.

This has nothing to do with him being 'unable to grasp' anything. Or being a man. It's not about his lack of 'understanding' or 'jealousy.' This isn't about 'making sense.' You want two different things. And you've been pushing him on this for 9 months...on top of cheating on him.

Why is the goal to 'ease someone into' a situation he clearly does not want to be in? Her husband has been resisting this for 9 months.

Go ahead and do what you're doing. Keep trying to convince him. But my guess is you're going to end up losing your marriage and family.

Thank you! Oh I know I'm the pot. That was my reasoning actually, he writes the way I talk, fast and streaming, thoughts all over and messing with people. I usually have no problem sifting through posts like that because it's my language. I do with his so... I figure if I'm having trouble sifting then it must be damn near impossible for some! So yes I am a lot, thank you for using my 3rd favorite thing to say to people!

Maybe my timeline was in a different post or it got lost in my streaming thoughts. So here it is again..
Married 13.5 years together almost 15. Gave me permission to be with women at 4 years married. Cheated with a man at 8 years married for a 6 month period. At that time I suggested moving in together, opening our marriage, numerous things all shit down. I broke up with him we stayed together reconciled things got better. 13 months ago I was sexually assaulted by someone close to us. It was hard and brought up some issues i won't go into about trust, honesty, time together etc. Back in the end of May, not 9 months ago, I asked him if we could open our marriage. He didn't say no just that he needed to think about it. We talked about it for a few weekends. Then he asked me how we would even do that. I suggested we start online profiles and go from there, he said he didn't want to but I could go ahead and talk, just talk to people for now. So I did. He asked me if I wanted to meet people I said no, at the time I didn't. Fast forward to a month ago, we hadn't spoken of it at all since June, I've just been talking, slowly whittling it down to one guy I talk to on a daily basis. The guy who i now want to meet and see if a relationship can be developed from there.
I didn't chip, like any other couple we talked something through over time and then came to a decision. I said he knows me because that's what he said, I said you have a choice that's why we are talking, he said " I know you, if your actually talking to me about it and explaining and asking permission then it's important to you and I want you to be happy. Plus considering our past I know what could happen at least I have a choice now" SO obviously no he's not happy about it. I'd be surprised if he was, he's being supportive but does not want to date at all I've asked. Yes he changed the subject initially but once I got him to sit down and take me seriously we've had some really good talks lately.

The deficit is, I was a housemom for her first 4 years of life. He was at work and worked side jobs and spent time with friends and family while I stayed home for 4 years. After that I worked and did the drop off and pick up and then did homeschooling for kindergarten, I worked nights, met the guy at work he worked nights as well, most of our time spent together was at work or on off nights in the late hours. So I would put her to bed before I left. Pretty much until I started working evenings he had never cooked dinner or been alone with her. She was 6. Then with work and then school and then randomly going out with friends like once every 3 or 4 months he got used to being home with her alone in the evenings. For the past 2 years though I've been working a normal school hours job so I'm generally home to make dinner and do drop off and pick up. So, deficit.

I am concerned as to how he will feel if I actually go out and stay out and have sex. Idk how he will take it. It's a big step for me, the affair though six month. We only had sex once. It was very much emotional more then physical. Besides that guy and my husband I've never been with anyone else. Which is why I decided I didn't want an open marriage exactly because I'm not looking to randomly hook up it's not how I'm wired. I need to emotional connection, the love, to be able to get physical.

I wasn't giving him enough credit, he did grasp. It's why he said yes. His condition is for my protection because he doesn't want me to go through what I went through already. So with the assault I froze. I literally couldn't move. I obeyed and didn't fight. I asked him not to repeatedly but that was about it. I literally couldn't fight. Apparently it's flight fight or freeze, my response to the situation was freeze. I believe it was the situation having him be so much larger then me and I trusted him. When I worked in psych and was physically attacked by patients under different circumstances I had a fight response and would restrain them or fight back when need be. But in that sexual situation I froze. He wants me to take self defense classes to change my response to always fight, never freeze.
Was that enough explanation? Are things more clear now?

 

[Voluptuouschef]

We have had people here who have eased into poly in a similar way to what you are proposing. You have a long distance internet "lover," 2000 miles away, or whatever it is from California to Hawaii. He's married. So, you propose seeing him a few times a year. This may help your husband to adjust somewhat. How long of a visit does your bf plan? 3 days? A week? The longer you're gone from the house, off on your romantic adventure at your bf's hotel, the harder it will be on your husband/family/job.

Likewise, you propose to fly to CA several times a year. How will this impact your husband, your child, your job and your startup? Is it practical?

How about finding a more local bf? Just an idea... A quick once a week date might be easier on all concerned...

Anyway, I don't think you're being quite honest with yourself. You contradict yourself. You say you're quite willing to give up the idea of poly if your husband really can't deal. Then in the next breath you assure us you're a terrible person and you'll just cheat if your husband doesn't agree to poly! (*wipes hands* "There, that's all sorted!")

And now you suddenly throw in the idea of self defense/attack. So, you were sexually assaulted recently and your hubby has your affair in his mind as well as your assault. You broke his trust by cheating. It seems this hasn't quite healed. And now he's got a recent assault on his mind and is afraid for your safety.

Add in, you're both too exhausted at the end of the day from your jobs to do more than flop on the couch... but I bet you have energy to text your bf....

You have a lot on your plate, to say the least.

We do both have a lot on our plates, a lot. And even though he has said over and over that the cheating no longer affects him I know it does because it still bothers me. We were in such a dark place at the time I didn't think he would mind. Which was stupid of me. What I say in each post which creates contradictions is based on several factors, where I am emotionally on that day and what we talked about that day. We talked about it again this past weekend.
My "lover" lol is coming for work his first visit and will actually be here for a few months potentially. After that if we actually connect and get along it's more likely he'd come here because his job/life allows travel whereas mine does not so much. But I had the thought I could travel for my business and take classes so they are productive trips like say twice a year. I hadn't planned on actually staying with him over night while he is here, so no disappearing for weekends.
Is it practical? Probably not, and yes it would be easier to find someone here but.. I think that would be harder for my husband. Plus Oahu while having so many people is small and his family is enormous. The likelihood of me meeting someone connecting with them and then finding some connection between that person and my husband is pretty high.
While I want it, and I feel like in the long run because of my issues there is a higher chance then normal of me cheating. If he said no freaking way I would respect that and just continue like I have been and hope that I can maintain. If it doesn't work out with my lover and we don't connect or for whatever reason we just don't work out, I'd be heart broken for a bit because there is a fair amount of emotional ties at this point. And probably revisit it once I moved past him.
Am I being honest with myself? I'm trying to be, that's the whole point of all this to get to the heart of the matter and save my husband and myself from further pain with honesty. I honestly have a really hard time staying faithful, I'm not sure why, that's why I think I'm a terrible wife. I'm loving and kind and supportive and express my love through food and as much sex as he wants but I have these needs and desires that are just not being fulfilled by him and I don't believe he has the capacity to do so. He's not a dominating man, he's a kind beta type of guy. I am deeply submissive and it took the assault for me to come to terms with that. I hope this clarified a lot, I know I seem all over the place some times, I'm trying, thank you for your response, even though I seem like I'm just defending and stuck on this path I'm really thinking about everything you guys say and mulling it. I do see the impractical part of it, but I really believe this would help, and that I am polyamorous at heart.

 

[FallenAngelina]

I honestly have a really hard time staying faithful, I'm not sure why, that's why I think I'm a terrible wife. I'm loving and kind and supportive and express my love through food and as much sex as he wants but I have these needs and desires that are just not being fulfilled by him and I don't believe he has the capacity to do so. ....I really believe this would help, and that I am polyamorous at heart.

Your husband has been your one and only stable romantic/sexual relationship. The only other partner you've had is your affair partner and you had sex once, is this correct? If so, it is normal that you, a young (?) woman who has limited sexual experience, would be feeling eager to get out and explore, 15 years into this marriage. This is normal sexuality, not necessarily anything that needs to be labeled "bad wife" or even "poly." It's normal adult development to try out quite a few sex-romance partners before settling into a long term commitment and you have not yet had this opportunity.

 

[Marvelgirl]

He doesn't sound ok with this at all. It sounds like he's just accepted you're going to cheat on him and this is the only way he can keep the marriage together.

 

[WhatHappened]

he said he didn't want to but I could go ahead and talk, just talk to people for now. So I did. He asked me if I wanted to meet people I said no, at the time I didn't.... I've just been talking, slowly whittling it down to one guy I talk to on a daily basis. The guy who i now want to meet and see if a relationship can be developed from there. .... I said you have a choice that's why we are talking, he said " I know you, if your actually talking to me about it and explaining and asking permission then it's important to you and I want you to be happy. Plus considering our past I know what could happen at least I have a choice now" SO obviously no he's not happy about it. I'd be surprised if he was, he's being supportive but does not want to date at all I've asked. Yes he changed the subject initially but once I got him to sit down and take me seriously we've had some really good talks lately.

He said he didn't want to....but you could talk. So you talked and decided you wanted to do more than talk....he figures you'll cheat anyway...no, he's not happy....he changed the subject until you GOT HIM to sit down...

The deficit is, I was a housemom for her first 4 years of life. ....

So you took care of your daughter while he was working to support all of you and that's a 'deficit' in his column?

I am concerned as to how he will feel if I actually go out and stay out and have sex. Idk how he will take it.....Was that enough explanation? Are things more clear now?

You don't know how he'll take it...but you're willing to give it a shot anyway. How he may take it is ending the marriage. It's not about whether things are 'clear' to me. Honestly...it's more a question of whether YOU are really seeing things clearly.

He has not been at all enthusiastic about this. You keep talking till he sort of 'agrees' because, well, you'll cheat on him if he doesn't. And you don't seem to be seeing clearly that you are stepping out on a path that has a very high likelihood of ending the marriage and a guarantee of drama, upheaval, and stress at the very least. Do not take those words lightly.

Is this what you want for your life, for your daughter's life, for your husband, for your marriage? Is sex with another man important enough to cause all of that and risk divorce? Will your daughter think that your sex with another man was important enough that she's happy to see her family break apart if it comes to that?

 

[Marvelgirl]

I'm sorry if this sounds bitch but maybe it will help. I was the badgered spouse who my husband attempted to talk into something I did not want and was not ok with for years. Frankly, I think it's abusive.
It got to the point where I finally said you know what, I've told you no repeatedly. If I'm not allowed to say no to you then fuck off, we'll draw up paperwork and get divorced and you can go find some little bitch who will never tell you no to anything and just accept things that make her feel like shit and hate herself for accepting a relationship where she's not a real person who gets to make any decisions about her life, she's just your little fucking puppet who accepts everything you want.

He woke up and realized it really wasn't an acceptable way to treat me.

Now I could have just gone along with it and grew to hate and resent him until our marriage probably would have ended anyways or I'd just stick in there completely miserable for the rest of my life.

Is your husband allowed to say no? Because he's said it over and over again and you seem to take that as a challenge to wear him down until you get what you want. Is that what you want in a partner? A puppet who isn't allowed to have his own boundaries? If so, tell him that. At least be honest and let him decide if he wants that.

Again, sorry if that's bitchy but I've been in his shoes and it's a really shitty place to be. Love requires respect. If there's no respect, it's not love. Let him move on.

 

[Voluptuouschef]

What happened and Marvelgirl...

I literally just realized a mistake I made, I was so confused as to why you both kept saying he said no. Okay years ago he shot down the idea. This last year when I brought it up he said He does not want to, and by that I mean he is not interested in dating another woman at all, he is content and mono and doesn't want anyone else but is allowing me. I thought I said it like that in my first and a few subsequent posts but yeah. He said he wasn't interested in it for himself and still isn't, he wasn't saying no to it just stating that he doesn't want or need it. So no I haven't been wearing him down i was genuinely surprised when he said yes. Had he said no I would have dropped it as a pipe dream. I do respect his opinions and they do matter, if I didn't I wouldn't have even brought it up as a question.
I'm so confused about all of this here because from all of my reading and listening it seems like it takes a lot of discussion between spouses to open up a marriage to polyamory, even more so of its one sided because one side has zero interest. But so far everyone seems to think I'm talking too much and it's crazy that he isn't enthusiastic about it or happy but is willing for my sake to try it and see how it goes.
When I first came in I was having issues even bringing it up because after him saying yes to me chatting we'd never spoken of it again and I was nervous about it. It's one thing to talk quite another to date. I'd told him I might be interested eventually and it took seven months to get there.
And it's not entirely about sex, exploration I suppose, meeting a dom, seeing if that helps me gain back control of my sexuality.

 

[Voluptuouschef]

Your husband has been your one and only stable romantic/sexual relationship. The only other partner you've had is your affair partner and you had sex once, is this correct? If so, it is normal that you, a young (?) woman who has limited sexual experience, would be feeling eager to get out and explore, 15 years into this marriage. This is normal sexuality, not necessarily anything that needs to be labeled "bad wife" or even "poly." It's normal adult development to try out quite a few sex-romance partners before settling into a long term commitment and you have not yet had this opportunity.

I'm 32, young ish? He was my first, I'd had boyfriends and a few girlfriends before him but no sex because of religious beliefs. However my convincing factor that I am a poly minded person is the fact that I was not faithful to anyone before him, and was often in several relationships at once where I was equally attached to all parties. When I had the affair I was deeply inlove with the other man, and my husband. We were bad off but I always loved him. It took four months of the relationship for me to take the step to sex. I don't even think I'm ready for sex with another man, I just want to date him and be dominated by him and see where it goes.