Adventures of Amarna

Let's see...what's been going on....pretty much just the usual. The kids are on vacation from school this week so today I took them up to Ithaca to play in the children's garden they have there. I love Ithaca so much, it makes my hipster heart swoon! One day I want to go up there with them and see all the waterfalls, my youngest isn't quite ready for a day trip of that length though yet so it'll be awhile before we can truly make a day of it. After the park/garden we went to get some ice cream at a shop that sells both dairy and *vegan* ice cream. It was so so so yummy.

Easter was nice aside from the random, unannounced, unwelcome drop in of my MIL. Mechanic has been no-contact with both MIL and her husband since xmas and expressly told them that they are not welcome but apparently it's okay to just drop in anyway? Mechanic was out so even better was I had to deal with them. I called Mechanic to ask him how he would prefer I handle things and he called them and asked them to leave, I let the kids say hi and give hugs and then they left so all in all at least there wasn't any drawn out drama but I greatly would've preferred none at all.

Got to go make dinner in a minute: Red lentil curry. I'm pretty sure the kids won't touch it but I'm looking forward to it, lol.
 
Woo! It's been awhile!

Time flies and all that. Normal life stuff keeping me busy. Just seems like there's always one thing after another. My sister had her baby, so I'm officially an aunt now (yay!). All seems to be going well there, mom and baby healthy. There's some drama with my mother and my brother-in-law but I'm basically choosing to not get involved. I don't much care for BIL anyway and am not super close to this sister (I have two, one is my best friend basically the other not so much, but I have nothing against her, we're just not that close) so don't see them much anyway. I don't really want to get caught up in anything YKWIM?

We had a game night last weekend with a bunch of friends, that was super fun! I hope to make it a regular, once a month thing, it would be nice to have people to board game with, usually it's just me and Mechanic or me and Nerd, so it's nice to broaden my scope to more than two player games every so often, lol.

Nerd is traveling for business/job training this week. I've missed seeing him but it is what it is.

Also planning a Maypole celebration with the pagan group for this weekend, but it looks like we might get rained out. :/ I hope not, really really hope not. This is the third year in a row I've tried to plan something and every single year it's had to be postponed because of rain. Super frustrating. I don't want to postpone again so am trying to come up with a design for a Maypole that we can use inside or other crafts/activities we can do worst case. We're supposed to actually set up the pole tomorrow and then do the event on Sunday in the afternoon. Fingers crossed the rain isn't too bad at that point as I'd much rather have the Maypole dance than not, but I refuse to reschedule again goddammit!

Big(ish) relationship thing though, at least in my head, lol. Last week went out with Gamer for dinner and then walking in a park, the park we had our first kiss in, we hadn't been back since, he wanted to walk to the bridge said event occurred on so we did. OMG the vibes, I'm not quite sure how to describe it as it's not something I've ever really experienced before and don't want to sound like a lovesick puppy lady, things just felt so heavy, but happy heavy. I've been thinking for awhile about maybe possibly saying the l-word. I've only ever said it to Mechanic before, it's not something that comes easily/naturally to me and I really really have to feel secure to say it, it just seems like such a big deal to me, to me it means a certain level of commitment to a relationship and isn't something I take lightly. I'm not sure if I'm ready for that with this relationship and might (just possibly as I tend to do it a lot) be overthinking things. But I almost did. The feelings are there (I think) but I want to be 100% and have no idea if I am, lol. Here I go overthinking again...

Going out to dinner with Gamer tonight too. Let's see where my overthinking gets me this time, haha.
 
Wow. It's been awhile.

Big big big changes and I'm feeling the need to chronicle it. Mechanic is out of the picture, as much as can be, hopefully forever. Abuse upon abuse, lies upon lies, hell after hell. Long story short: He's gone, minus some court drama. And I'm incredibly thankful for a new chapter in my life and the lives of my children.

To start with I had to move back home, in with my parents until I can afford a place of my own and get things sorted with divorce, etc. Around 300 miles.

Still involved with Gamer, he's fantastic and even though we're long distance now he's one of the most positive influences in my life. Nerd is a friend, no longer partner, distance was not something our relationship could transition with. I'm ok with that actually.

New job for me: Part time but can go full when I want to, basically choose my own hours. Political fundraising for progressive candidates and causes. I actually really like it, wasn't sure initially how well I'd do in a sales oriented environment but it can be fun! And I love talking politics all day.

New school for the kids, they're doing as well as they can given the circumstances. There are issues of course, therapy is needed, but already they're happier.

Had to write off two toxic friendships. I'm sad about those sometimes but, my mental health matters more than a sham of a friendship. On the other hand I've reconnected with some old friends who I'm very happy to have back in my life.

And I'm seeing someone new locally. Taking it slow, he's not met the kids yet and understands the situation. Is okay with polyamory and my relationship with Gamer. He's incredibly patient with me needing to move relatively slowly and we're both in a situation where we're rebuilding our lives, it's nice to have someone I can talk frankly with, who understands where I'm coming from a lot of the time and who doesn't pressure me into things I'm not comfortable with.

But: After a long hiatus....I'm back!
 
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Welcome back! I was glad to see a new post from you. Hurrah for you making the tough decisions to improve your life.

If you don't mind getting into it, what do you think led you to start changing your life from what it had been for ten years?

Leetah
 
Leetah said:
Welcome back! I was glad to see a new post from you. Hurrah for you making the tough decisions to improve your life.

If you don't mind getting into it, what do you think led you to start changing your life from what it had been for ten years?

Leetah
Click to expand...

I don't mind terribly but won't go into a ton of details because of the nature of things. Unfortunately I found out that my husband had been abusing our eldest daughter. Charges are currently being pressed.

I will take a lot personally, I did because I wanted that family unit for my kids and didn't have a whole lot of self confidence. But turns out that my kids are my biggest boundary. I will not sit by and have them exposed to abuse. I'm just sorry that it took me so long to overcome things and see them for what they were. I'm sorry my daughter had to suffer because of my blindness to the situation.

But we're moving forward now and I'm trying to do the best I can.
 
Yikes.

It's good to hear from you and I'm really glad you're getting out from that situation.

Good luck.
 
Update time: Turns out, music is my therapy. And drawing, I'm a repressed artist at heart, lol.

I'm listening to a lot of old music that I used to love and fell away from lately. It's been helping me get in touch with who I once was. It's strange...knowing that you somehow, within the last ten years, lost your sense of self, lost touch with who you were, because you were so invested in a relationship. And now I have to find myself and I'm just...lost a lot of the time. It's feels so...surreal...getting in back in touch with me. In many ways my life seems surreal lately. I miss my husband, I miss having that constant source of security. But then I remember all the ways he held me down, all the hurt and pain and constant self doubt. And know that overall I'm happier now. It's just hard. Something I've been struggling with the past few days. And I don't have that many people I feel like I can talk to about this, they just don't understand. *sigh* I've put in an inquiry for a support group for sexual and domestic violence victims/survivors. I hope I hear back soon. I've been so focused on getting the kids the resources they need that I'm recognizing now that things are settled a bit that I've been neglecting myself and I feel so utterly alone a lot of the time with this.

Something else I've started doing is sketching a tattoo I want to get, I'm intrigued by the idea of tattoos as markers of your life and where you've been and where you want to go. So I'm drawing one that I want to eventually, once court and soon to be ex-husband drama is done, get on my inner wrist. I'm also thinking of taking a drawing class at the art museum local to me to brush up on this skill. I love drawing and sketching but haven't ever had much in the way of formal instruction.
 
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