The story of Spork.

The festivities for Ninja's 19th birthday are officially in the books, kiddo had a few friends over, and then we went to a Chinese buffet. I think I've talked about going to the one in Phoenix, well this one was not in my opinion as nice, but it was ok I guess. One of Ninja's friends really liked it, he's a strapping kid with a big appetite, so he was happy with the buffet experience. Another friend, this girl I'll call R here since I won't talk about her much I think, she said that her family almost never goes out to eat...she didn't eat a lot, but she seemed pleased to be out. She also was very enthusiastic about how I decorate my home, my Vigo and my GWAR posters and candle holders and dragons and whatnot. Well if my own kids have no appreciation for how cool a Mom I am, at least some of their friends do! :p

Meanwhile, Q has been pestering me relentlessly for a haircut, and I finally got him out to do that yesterday, and this morning he informed me that they "butchered" his hair and he would be wearing a hat in school. I said, "They probably won't let you wear it in class you know" (in MY day, you couldn't wear a hat in school) and he said they changed the rule and he'd be allowed to wear his hat. I was happy because...it was a GWAR hat. lol

I don't think his hair is that bad, but what do I know?

And Zen's work schedule is making it difficult to pin down any time with him this week. We would both like to have some, but work is work. Guess I'm remembering that it wasn't SO long ago we only had a lunch date and a Friday night every week, at least we're doing better than that these days. But I am happy and grateful that he enjoys spending time with me and is enjoying being in a relationship. Despite occasionally feeling a little nebulous on the "what the hell do you want out of life?" question...I'm pretty easy to please. Feelings come and feelings go, of occasional restlessness, desire for more or less social contact, missing family and things like that...but all in all, I am quite content.

Finally, Zen gave me some good news last night that some of his family is looking at spending more time in Phoenix, so his Dad will have more family contact, company and possibly support if needed (resources, options at least) so I am happy about that. I would truly love to get my kids on their way before we look to relocate. I still like the idea of going and living down there for a while, but this reduces the odds that we'll have to do so with an emergency looming over us, even more, I think.

And I'm really concerned about Q's school situation. He has skipped and failed classes to the point where it won't be possible for him to just take some summer school and catch up. He's either going to have to do another year after his senior year as what they call a "super senior" (lol wtf?) or consider a GED or something. I personally feel that his best course would be to drop out later this fall after he turns 17, immediately study for and take the GED (or one of the other similar things here in Colorado they offer.) He could work a summer job near home, work on getting his driver's license, and hopefully start some kind of college, even community college, in his 17th year. His Dad argues against the GED, though, saying that he won't be able to get into the military, that he will have limited options, that no one will hire him... I don't agree. I know that a high school diploma is preferable, but the way this is going...I don't see him suddenly shaping up and passing everything next year. I don't want to waste time with him screwing around in high school, only to have to look at the GED option when he is 19 or 20 and has yet to leave home.

Hell, if we get to that point, I'll be looking at making him go live with his Dad or something. I don't mean to put my life on hold because my son cares about nothing but his social life and his hot new girlfriend.

I feel like, if he got a job over the summer, dropped out and got the GED when he turns 17 in the fall, then went into community college...with good enough performance in college, like getting his first 2 years knocked out there, and then going on to a better school...he'd at least be on some sort of path to accomplishing SOMETHING, rather than spending a few years in high school just flailing about doing nothing, which is how it sure looks to me. Ultimately he is interested in cyber security or something like that, which is good, because a year ago he just hoped to make a living streaming video games on Youtube. :rolleyes:

*sigh* Parenting.
 
Catching up on your blog...

I suggest you visit Phoenix in the summer before making a decision to move there. It is fucking brutal...and this is coming from a Floridian who is used to heat.
 
vinsanity0 said:
Catching up on your blog...

I suggest you visit Phoenix in the summer before making a decision to move there. It is fucking brutal...and this is coming from a Floridian who is used to heat.
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I've heard.

Well, it would not be a permanent move, at least I don't think. I love Colorado Springs, and I think I'd always want to eventually come back here. Like after Zen's father passes and his estate is handled. So like I could see us going down there in 2-4 years, depending on what goes on with my son...and then staying for ?? (Zen's Dad is in his mid-80's) a decade maybe? If that? Maybe more?

I survived Iowa winters for 8 years, and that really sucked. I hate cold and snow, and there it would easily get 10-20 degrees below zero every night, for months. People live in Phoenix...I could live in Phoenix. Whether I'll always love it, I imagine I can still cope.

It just seems like reasons are piling up, and that's usually how I make my decisions. When I can list off a number of reasons something is looking like a good idea...I start to think about how I can go about making it happen.

Another point I did not mention in my previous posts? I would really like to put some distance for a while, between my ex husband and myself. I feel like if I were in another city for like...5-10 years or something...and eventually came back, in that time enough distance could organically form between us, especially if the kids are grown, that I could come back and have nothing to worry about from him. Not that I worry much now, but I guess maybe his new life could develop and we could grow apart and he could maybe move on and let go some of his anger. And perhaps I'm still hanging on to some bad feelings too, that might more easily fade in another place.

I know that this weekend, when I had to pick up and drop off my son's friends from down near the old house where I lived with my ex, I was momentarily tempted to drive by it for no good reason (I didn't, nor did I mention it) and right then I felt a surge of anger about all of the sunk costs of that relationship. That's the best way to put it. Everything I put in, that no one appreciates now, that feels so wasted. I would like to get some distance, from that feeling, and reminders of it. From mental questions about how things could have been different. This seems like a good opportunity to go do that.
 
I was just having an interesting conversation with Saskia, a pro-Domme I know, on social media. She posted a funny thing about women reacting to how this man tried to write "believable" female characters. It was the whole, "I ran my hands over my generous body, then boobed breastily down the stairs" bit.

I remarked that I'm not really sure how men who find me attractive think of me...except... My ex used to say, "I'm an ass man." I have one of those! Poop comes out of it! No? OK. Well another time, a man who later tried to hook up with me (and was turned down) I overheard telling his friend that "She has hair like a dark cloud." Mmkay. And there seem to be men who find heavy ladies attractive, and those who distinctively do not, and for the latter group I assume I get points for "at least she's not fat." Hrm. Well, Saskia started telling me why she finds me visually appealing. My face, mostly. Not conventionally attractive, though with a little makeup I can pull that off if I want, but expressive. She says she likes to watch me talk. And that I have nice bone structure, and clear eyes.

I wanted to try and reciprocate this, but found myself speaking in terms of energy, what I like about her, and the moments she made me feel a little scared but in ways I totally liked. At the same time feeling strangely embarrassed about how she was speaking about my looks.

And this, boys and girls, is why I argue with muggles about how even though there are lots of words for orientation, gender expression, and sexuality floating around right now, and I get how that can be a little tiresome or overwhelming...Sapiosexual is a THING. It is for me anyways. Even trying to parse out attractiveness in visual terms is so weird for me. Like from me, "you look interesting" is about as close as it gets to "your appearance intrigued me." I've never seen someone from across a room and wanted them sexually. It's either "I would like to talk to this human, see if they're worth knowing" or "Hmm...there might be surprising stuff in his/her head..." or "Nope, that person is an idiot. Forget it." Words, energy, mannerisms...all matter...but a generally symmetrical and conventionally "good looking" appearance? Nah. I can only evaluate those things, by thinking, "How would other people respond to that person?"

And even in thinking about myself, I only can ponder the question of my looks by thinking of how others seem to react to me, but I don't know what exactly their eyes are seeing. Especially men. They rarely tell me anyways.

Fire was one of the few people who was able to put into words, ways in which she found me visually appealing, that made me feel pretty good about my appearance. Saskia is doing something like that now. I feel a little awkward being on the receiving end of it, but it's still nice. Guys more often say something like I'm "hot" or "pretty" and I don't even know what that means. I have seen many women who get the general social consensus that they are...that...and I don't look like them. So...???

Just something I'm contemplating in terms of brains and how they work and stuff.
 
I had no idea about this kind of sexuality - but I love the way that you've explained it. It's like physical appearance plays no part at all in how attractive someone is - just their thoughts an opinions? That's such an interesting way to view things. I think the world would probably be a lot better if a lot of people viewed it in that way.

Personally, I think I'm demi-sexual. Or at least, that's what I've figured out so far. I don't look at people and think "oh, I'd have sex with them" - usually that comes after I know them emotionally or personally. I've never had a one night stand or slept with somebody that I didn't feel an emotional connection with. For me, that would just be boring and unpleasurable.
 
emk4t said:
I had no idea about this kind of sexuality - but I love the way that you've explained it. It's like physical appearance plays no part at all in how attractive someone is - just their thoughts an opinions? That's such an interesting way to view things. I think the world would probably be a lot better if a lot of people viewed it in that way.

Personally, I think I'm demi-sexual. Or at least, that's what I've figured out so far. I don't look at people and think "oh, I'd have sex with them" - usually that comes after I know them emotionally or personally. I've never had a one night stand or slept with somebody that I didn't feel an emotional connection with. For me, that would just be boring and unpleasurable.
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I've had plenty of sex with people I wasn't emotionally invested in, or having loving feelings for.

I would not go QUITE so far as to say appearance plays no role at all. It's more like a broad range where outliers at either end get a "fail" and the majority in the middle get a "pass." And I believe I'd be more likely to give the thumbs-down to someone for being too pretty, statistically, than too ugly. Too ugly is like bad hygiene, or extreme disfigurement...very few people are clear out at that end of the spectrum. But lots of people (men especially) are so "pretty" that somehow it's like I can't take them seriously. I've met pretty men who were kind of prima donnas, or who seemed to get by too easily on their looks, or who seemed pretentious or like they just assumed everybody was into them...that attitude is offputting to me. Some people are pretty enough to make me nervous and I can't relax and talk to them. That's no good either.

But for the many who pass that filter, I would choose the person I connected with the best, in terms of common interests, witty conversation, how we interact, the energy and compatibility I can only ascertain from TALKING to them. The mind-to-mind connection must happen before I have any sexual interest at all. And there are many things that can crop up in that stage, that will make me less interested in someone. Maybe too there is a link to my Love Language in there, "Words of Affirmation." The right words get me going, keep me interested, and grow my affections. The wrong words switch me right off.

If the communication isn't good, a person could be ideally good looking, top-shelf in every way, a wealthy person who gives me stuff, a sweet one who does things for me all the time, or a pro in bed with magical hands, but it simply will not work. Also--I have zero interest in visiting countries where I fear it would be hard to understand others, or be understood. Even trying to interact with someone where a thick accent or difficulty with English causes a struggle to talk, fills me with stress and anxiety.

I had one person in a forum elsewhere say that she hates the term "sapiosexual" because she figures that whoever is saying it, is bragging that THEY are smart. And that it's fine to BE smart, but don't go around declaring it, just demonstrate it. She feels it is pretentious to claim this. But that's not what it's about at all. I'm not claiming some lofty intellect here, I just don't think my attraction and evaluations of people works in exactly the same way as most. And I can appreciate many kinds of smarts, too. I've met people who were not well educated, or book smart, but they had a deep wisdom and a bright spirit, and they drew me, I wanted to be around them and hear their stories. But it's still mental stuff, not necessarily looks or an emotional bond, driving my interest there.
 
Spork said:
I would not go QUITE so far as to say appearance plays no role at all. It's more like a broad range where outliers at either end get a "fail" and the majority in the middle get a "pass." And I believe I'd be more likely to give the thumbs-down to someone for being too pretty, statistically, than too ugly. Too ugly is like bad hygiene, or extreme disfigurement...very few people are clear out at that end of the spectrum. But lots of people (men especially) are so "pretty" that somehow it's like I can't take them seriously. I've met pretty men who were kind of prima donnas, or who seemed to get by too easily on their looks, or who seemed pretentious or like they just assumed everybody was into them...that attitude is offputting to me. Some people are pretty enough to make me nervous and I can't relax and talk to them. That's no good either.
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It's so incredibly affirming to read someone else who has an attraction filter like this. One night my Dom, Sam, and I were talking about this type of thing. He wanted to know how different actors in movies we watched together rated for me in terms of attraction. I sat there struggling for a little while until I finally told him basically what you said here: there's this big group in the middle of people who I think are attractive, a small group at the top who I think are incredibly hot (Jude Law and Johnny Depp when not super thin for instance), and a small group at the other end who I'm just not attracted to at all.

People can move up towards the higher end based on their minds, personalities, etc. They can also move into the lower category based on the same things. Given that I've only met one or two people in real life that fit in the hot category for me that I've known well enough to have an opinion about their personalities, I don't have enough experience to say all the pretty men I've met in person are prima donnas. One is and almost immediately went into the not attracted category after even getting to know him superficially. The other one doesn't even seem to realize that people find him attractive.

Anyway, it was just nice to see someone else whose attraction works similar to mine.
 
Hannahfluke said:
It's so incredibly affirming to read someone else who has an attraction filter like this. One night my Dom, Sam, and I were talking about this type of thing. He wanted to know how different actors in movies we watched together rated for me in terms of attraction. I sat there struggling for a little while until I finally told him basically what you said here: there's this big group in the middle of people who I think are attractive, a small group at the top who I think are incredibly hot (Jude Law and Johnny Depp when not super thin for instance), and a small group at the other end who I'm just not attracted to at all.

People can move up towards the higher end based on their minds, personalities, etc. They can also move into the lower category based on the same things. Given that I've only met one or two people in real life that fit in the hot category for me that I've known well enough to have an opinion about their personalities, I don't have enough experience to say all the pretty men I've met in person are prima donnas. One is and almost immediately went into the not attracted category after even getting to know him superficially. The other one doesn't even seem to realize that people find him attractive.

Anyway, it was just nice to see someone else whose attraction works similar to mine.
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Likewise!

Yeah, it's hard to explain the "too pretty" concept. Like people need to come off as "real" to me. Some people have this weird level of almost plastic perfection...

Yet like I believe for instance, Fire is one of the most beautiful women (in my opinion) that I know, yet somehow it's not...like that...with her. It's not her defining characteristic. You aren't interacting with a static snapshot, if you talk to her for 30 seconds, you'll get blasted with so much awesome personality, it's in her eyes and her wit. I cannot think of her and separate out that energy and character as though it's not there. It's impossible. It's far more powerful than the shape of her body or the geometry of her face.

I guess it's just best for me to say that the bar is set far higher in terms of character and personality, for me, than appearances.

I can very easily meet a beautiful person and if they have a bad personality, find them completely unappealing... But if I meet someone whose looks don't excite me, but their personality is awesome, I can warm to them and find them attractive. Even to the point where they somehow look different, better, to my eyes.

I imagine that in the other forum where I talk to the muggles, the next stage in this discussion would be, "but if two people had identical personalities, you'd pick the prettier one over the uglier one" and that would be an impossible line of questioning. There's no such thing as identical personalities, so it just doesn't compute. One personality will always be more compatible, or less, with mine, or align and misalign in different ways.
 
Q said to me yesterday, "Mom, did I tell you I'm in a poly?"

His girlfriend, and her best (female) friend, decided they are going to all be in a relationship together, the three of 'em. He wanted advice. "Like, about jealousy and stuff." Sweet fucking Jesus.

Well, we talked. I told him some of the possible pitfalls, and some of the best practices, and stuff about each person owning their feelings and not trying to use them to justify controlling any of the others, but that feelings (even jealousy) are valid, worth inspecting to see if there are underlying causes, and that it's good to be affirming and supportive when partners are struggling with emotional stuff. And to beware of triangulation, and what that means.

He's in the situation that many teens find themselves, where you're horny as hell and finally you've got a possible partner, but can't seem to nail down opportunity or privacy. To which I say, "Good!" Let him take things slower than he otherwise might. I am glad that his confidence and ego are benefiting, since he really struggled with self esteem not so long ago, and I hope he learns things. I warned him yet again of the Prime Directive, which is DO NOT GET ANYONE PREGNANT. So I guess we'll see how everything goes...
 
Lol, I hope it goes reasonably well for your son! :D
I haven't read much of the blog lately, just a paragraph here and there, so I'm not very much in the picture - but from this alone, he definitely seems to be in a better shape than a few months ago.
 
Tinwen said:
Lol, I hope it goes reasonably well for your son! :D
I haven't read much of the blog lately, just a paragraph here and there, so I'm not very much in the picture - but from this alone, he definitely seems to be in a better shape than a few months ago.
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I think that his mental and emotional health is better. But his school situation is looking pretty bad. Fortunately for him...I guess?...I'm the kind of parent who is not going to go batshit insane because my son is pretty much bombing in high school. I know that in my adult life, just clearing the bar has been quite enough, there are most situations where a GED will be good enough, and only few where it will be an obstacle...and even with those, usually something you can overcome if you want to badly enough. At 39 years old, nobody is asking me what kind of a diploma from high school I got, or if I got good grades. Nobody cares. Just the fact that I got through and then did some college...then what I did professionally after that...that's what matters.

So, knowing that, it's hard for me to be so invested in my son's "high school career" as they (seriously?) put it. And frankly, I find grown adults who talk about their high school achievements like that's when they peaked, to be kinda sad. Like hey, so life has become a soulless shuffle from cubicle to couch...but in 11th grade, I was a star quarterback and don't you forget it! lol what?

So I'm emphasizing to him that all of this is a choice. And as the Buddhist mindset would have it, "maybe good...maybe bad..." Trying to see it on the bright side, if he got his GED by the end of 2018 and was actually working a minimum wage job, getting some job experience, starting this summer, and if he gets his driver's license this year...he can be much further on the road to adulthood, than if he'd gone the normal path and graduated in May of 2020. So it's hard to be completely upset about all of this.

Perhaps having a girlfriend, let alone two of them, will help him feel motivated to put better effort into this alternate path to freedom, than he has into high school. ??
 
I had a good weekend. Very good. I enjoyed a fantastic impact scene at the party on Saturday, though what we did is stuff we've done before, it had been a while and it was welcome. And we still had enough energy when we got home, to have sex, which is always really nice after we scene but doesn't always get to happen. So. Then on Sunday, I got my home nice and clean, and I'd neglected some of my housework for a while so that was good, too. I felt like I had a bit of a hard time getting functional in a way though, as I sometimes do on Sundays. I was in my pajamas and unshowered until after like 5pm. But still. I got things done I wanted to have done.

Today, Q forgot his viola at home, so I just had to take an early "lunch" break and go deliver it to his school. Last week, there was a false shooter report and the school got locked down for a little while, and police were there investigating. They found out who had made the report, and that kid is facing charges now. And evidently yesterday and last night, there were rumors flying around on social media that "something" was going to happen today, and many students were afraid...but this morning the school announced that the rumors were to do with another high school in another state with the same initials, and the student who had started them was in custody, and there was extra security at Q's school today as a precaution. So there I am, cruising up to the school with a big, black plastic instrument case, feeling sketchy as fuck, like a cop is gonna leap out and be all "WHO ARE YOU?? WHAT'S IN THE CASE??" Erm, VIOLA, don't taze me bro!! lol

But no, it all went nice and easy, and I got Q's viola dropped off just in time for his orchestra class.

I was texting with him today... He really does not want to do this GED thing, he said he hopes I'll give him the extra year like I did for his brother so he can get through high school and get a diploma. I informed him that I'd be willing to give him a CHANCE at that, but he needs to realize that nothing will happen without some effort on his part. If, the first semester of next school year, he is failing anything...anything at all...then it'll likely take more than one additional year of school to make it all up, and in that case, I think it will be time to look at a GED. I told him I'm not sure if he's really understanding how badly he is screwing himself by skipping classes and blowing off assignments. He is finishing this school year short 9 required semester credits. Each school year only has 14 (12 if a student takes study halls, which most do and should.) He doesn't have much wiggle room, even doing an extra year at the end. And failing like this, he's going to struggle to stay on top of the material, probably, next year.

I sometimes think his Libra-brain mentality of "whatever anyone else gets, I should also get, right now" is what's making a mess of things. Having his brother there, basically taking over a year "off" and doing nothing much of significance at all, it's like he feels he should be taking the year off, too or something. Maybe it will be easier or better for him once Ninja is out of the house. I can only hope.
 
LOL.

So Zen has me watching Battlestar Galactica (the one from the early 2000s) and I was in another forum and came across a poster who said something about God and God's plan and God only having our best interests at heart or something... And I immediately thought, "Cylon!"

Would it be gauche of me to start muttering about "frakkin' toasters" whenever someone mentions God, now? I might, just...
 
powerpuffgrl1969 said:
I LOVED that show!
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Yeah, it's pretty good. We are almost halfway through the last season now. Zen says everyone hated the last episode, but meh...whatever.

Next year is gonna be a big one for TV shows. We've got Game of Thrones coming back, and The Magicians...and there was one more we like, but I can't remember now what it was... Stranger Things is supposed to return in late 2018, or early 2019 (and most people think it will be the latter.) Lots of good shows anyhow.

We've been told by a number of people that we need to give Supernatural a look, so I think that will be the next binge-fest in our house, we haven't watched that at all. But I'd also really like to keep Zen watching Red Dwarf. We haven't even made it to Kryten yet, just been watching a little here, little there in Season 1. And Red Dwarf really got better over time, until the first big "we're back" thing which was what...Season 9 I think?...that wasn't awesome, it was one whole production meant to say, "You people seriously want to watch more of this on your screens? You aren't joking?" and then they really did well with 10, but I never saw 11. So I'd like to really dig in to Red Dwarf more with him. He'd never watched it before we met. I think he's still in the stage where the accents are a little tricky, and I remember being there myself, but that gets a lot easier as you go.
 
So, I am still on the fence regarding Jersey guy. We had a talk a while back and I felt the air was cleared, I explained that I'd had the feeling he wanted more connection with me than I was really available to give him, and he'd been a little intense in his interest in me, and it was making me uncomfortable. He told me he had "no agenda" and just wanted to be a good friend, and hoped I would consider him that. OK... Well, he was at the party Saturday, and while he's not constantly following me around anymore, he does still try to get into my bubble a little more than I really want him to.

I just...don't know. I am wary of him. He SEEMS so "innocent" but I don't trust it. It's difficult to explain how different his energy is to that of, say...our lawyer friend (who has even admitted a crush on me, but does not make me feel like he's hoping to sneak in and get something from me)...or even Supernova, or any number of guys. Anyhow, Jersey communicated to one of the ladies that he wanted a scene and told her which of the women in the community he'd like to be involved in it, and she reached out to all of us on Facebook Messenger, asking if we'd be there for the midweek party tomorrow night, to do this. And I said that no, I would not. I don't really feel comfortable doing a scene with Jersey guy. Nor do I especially want to be there and have to explain to him or anyone why I didn't take part. But I was already leaning toward not going, I plan to attend a discussion group Thursday and I want to spend Wednesday night with Zen, since he's off work earlier. This just solidified and reinforced a choice I'd already made.

I guess I just feel like...I already had to dodge kisses, he ignored when I stiffened up when his hugs and neck nuzzling turned from friendly into too-intimate feeling, when I removed his arm from around me while sitting on a couch together, and we had to go so far as to have a conversation. The culmination of which was...instead of focusing on me saying, "the level of attention you're aiming at me is making me uncomfortable," he focused on, "I assure you I have no agenda, so you should feel safe letting me in. I'm just a friend, I promise. Trust me." And then this last weekend, he comes up when I'm in aftercare, naked under a blanket, snuggled up to my Zen but chatting with some others who are around, and he sits not just next to me, but literally as close, with full contact, as Zen was on my other side. And only then asks, "Mind if I sit here?" I was like...UH... And he says then, "Maybe not huh..." and eventually after a few ticks he gets up and moves. I don't like how he pushes me to an uncomfortable feeling before he backs off, and then later comes back and tries again.

And this is exactly the kind of thing though, that gets me wondering, "Am I overreacting? Am I being too sensitive?" because taken instance by instance it's hard to point to any one thing and definitively say, -Dude, line CROSSED.- But taken as a whole picture, it feels like a persistent effort to get closer to me than I want him, with, yes, no matter how he protests, an AGENDA...maybe to eventually, over time, be this trusted friend, and eventually, you know, we're hanging out in our lives outside of the social group, and eventually, you know, I trust him to come to my house for this or that, I mean, he's a handyman, and eventually, you know, he's in my house trying to make out with me, but it's all innocent! No agenda! Just trying to see if I can get into your panties, but hey, as long as you don't say no! Just a little bit and a bit more and a little bit more and... THAT is the feeling I get from the dude. Push. Push, push, push. Little push after little push. All so innocent. Until...yeah, no it's not. And then "Oh, so sorry! I just misunderstood! We're still friends right?"

I told him I found him attractive, that very first night, and I did so because he seemed awkward and adrift and unsure if anybody even wanted him around. And it's not a lie, he is good looking and has a nice voice, and he's kinda my "type" in certain ways...but that does not mean I have desire for him. I can observe that someone is attractive, yet in fact not be ATTRACTED or filled with intention or interest. But I think we have gone WAY past the point, where that can be taken as an excuse. If I gave him the "wrong idea" or "mixed signals" in the beginning...well, I've damn sure tried to straighten him out since then.

Thing is, he's so sweet and nice, in his demeanor, that I feel bad for feeling the way I do, and I also feel like no one would understand for hurting his feelings, which I don't want to do but... *sigh*

I guess a big difference between him and other men I know in the community, is that I feel like every bit of friendliness or attention I give him is encouraging him. Other guys, I don't feel that way about. And I feel like other guys respect my bond with Zen more than he seems to. I can't imagine one of them coming up and trying to get in on aftercare snuggles with me out of nowhere like that. And he acts like he's clueless as to where someone's boundaries might be and like it's genuinely confusing to him. And I cannot tell if that's the case, or if he only pretends it is, because it gets him in under the radar with this "innocent" facade.

Oddly, being cool and avoidant to him (nonverbal) has seemed to work better than actually talking to him. Talking to him gets me protestations of innocence and renewed efforts to connect and convince me to trust him and let him cozy up. Just avoiding him by going to less things, by staying out of his space, and by not engaging him in eye contact or conversation, gets me a more comfortable distance that he does not push to close. Maybe you've got to fight subtle with subtle, I dunno.
 
Another Q quote from when he was littler popped up on my Facebook just now...

"Butt alien! You shall rule the day I hopped on you!"

I need to gather these up into like a scrapbook or something.
 
I seem to be failing to communicate...

Zen and I have a system where I leave a Buddy Jesus toy figure (highly collectible!) on a certain table to let him know to come wake me up if he comes home late. I forgot to do that, though I kind of thought I was laying down to nap and would wake before he got home... So I woke up a few times in the middle of the night and I didn't think he was home yet...and when the last of these occurred around 4AM, I actually got worried about him. Like, the lights were on that normally he'd turn off when he got home, his jacket wasn't hanging up where he normally puts it, and it did not seem as though he was home...so I crept downstairs to check, and woke him up! He had got home at some point and just did not think I wanted to be woken up. Sheesh. I felt foolish.

So I missed out on my Zen time last night that I'd hoped we would do...but I guess it's alright, I'll have plenty with him tonight. I need love and snuggles and sex and stuff.

And I have been looped into a Facebook messenger conversation where...I guess, Jersey guy has told one of the women in the community he'd like to have a scene involving a number of women, and given her his "wish list" of "beautiful ladies" and I am one of them. The question asked was, "So who's going to be at the party on Wednesday night to be involved with this?" And I said that I was not. Then last night, the message came that "So it seems several of you won't be there Wednesday night, let me talk to <Jersey> about rescheduling the scene for Saturday, or the next Leather party." See the issue I am having, is that at no point has anyone asked if I consent to do a scene with this man, nor have I been let in on what kind of scene or what is involved or expected. Before considering if I even want to, I would need to know what is involved. Is he going to be touching me, or am I touching him? In what way exactly? Am I expected to be naked? Is he going to be? Am I supposed to be providing him with sexual excitement or gratification? Nobody has said anything about anything. It's just being assumed that we're all down, myself included.

That's exactly the kind of stuff that is making me uncomfortable. I don't really give a damn if the guy looks like a walking, breathing cute little plush fuzzy toy, I just don't feel like I'm being given any reasonable space to consent (or not) to anything. He asked for access to my blog, he's asked for a certain level of trust and emotional intimacy that I'm not ready to give him. He assumed that nuzzling my neck, kissing me when all that was offered at the time was a friendly "hello/goodbye" hug, putting his arm around me when I was sitting in the social space for a discussion group...that all of these things are ok. He does it without asking, and only MAYBE after he's doing it, is he like, "is this ok?" And the thing of sitting with me when I was in aftercare mode...like I can count the number of people on one hand, that I'm comfortable with coming up and making actual physical contact with me, without asking, when I am naked in a blanket and cozied up to my Zen. Generally, they are former partners, and we've already got a deeper level of intimate trust. I would not want Supernova doing that, or any number of other people that I like very much.

And I was invited into a Facebook group for non-monogamists, which I did come right out and say, "Um...I'm pretty monogamous right now, are we sure I need to be in here?" and in a convo yesterday, we were talking about things that trigger anxiety in relationships. Some were saying that fighting makes them anxious, and I mentioned how conflict avoidant I am, and said something like, "Oh, and I am sure I'm not the only one, but 'We need to talk' is a very triggery phrase to me." And I didn't even realize Jersey was in the group, and he said, "What if it's phrased differently, like 'I want to talk to you' or something?" (paraphrasing) and I simply replied, "For some reason, that's different." And he said, "I'll remember that when we need to talk about something. ;)" Again, this kind of thing, it's small, it's subtle, but it FEELS to me like it's presuming upon a relationship between us that does not exist (to me.)

Zen cautions me not to overreact. And I feel like I might be overreacting, but I don't know. I just wish he would take a step back and let trust develop (or not) in a more natural way, because too much of all this has felt very forced, very pushed, a tiny nudge at a time, by him. It just doesn't feel comfortable to me. I hate that I feel this way, when I was the one who approached him and tried, wanting very much to make him feel welcomed into the community, and I feel like it's my own fault and I'm making a mess of things. Like I need to be cool and roll with it, and quit feeling this way, and make him happy, and then everyone will be happy, and I won't be the overreacting one with the bad mojo. That if I keep feeling this way, then my other friends who are now forming bonds with Jersey, won't like me anymore, after all, I liked him in the beginning, I gave my endorsement of him before, how can I change my mind now? But also, that if I just roll with it and be cool, then maybe one day it will be a situation where a lot of girls will start "coming forward" saying that he made them feel uncomfortable, and I'll be the one who never spoke up. I have really no idea what to do with any of this.

So I'm trying to break things down in my head.

Jersey is not the only guy lately, that I do not feel cozy enough to have kissing me, who took that liberty during a "goodbye" hug, and I don't like that. I'd like to put out into talk among people, that if we as a community tell people they should ask before they hug people, which we DO tell everyone they should ask, then taking the hug to another further step of a kiss also, is probably not ok. Especially if the people do not have a relationship outside of the social group and community, that has gone on a long time. Err on the side of "don't." That goes for nuzzling your face into my neck and saying, "mmm" also. Don't do that.

If I am in aftercare, naked in a blanket, even if I am sitting where there are other people and chatting with them, do not assume it's ok to touch me, if you aren't my partner. There is a good chance that is NOT ok.

And don't assume I have consented to a scene, especially if you haven't even told me what the heck it entails. I don't like being treated like one of a number of scene-props that is only being asked if it is available, not if it is willing.

I think that's fair?
 
I'm sorry you have to deal with this. It's not fair at all. I believe you. You are not overreacting and you are not imaging things.

Jersey guy is a predator. He might not seem like a typical idea of a predator. But he is an insidious one.

He is putting you and your kink friends and acquaintances in situations where it is difficult for you (or them) to say no, to enforce a boundary because he is framing it as being kind, as being affectionate, of being friendly, of being social, as being harmless.

He is not harmless. He is creating situations where you and your friends cannot easily say no, decline interactions with him or basically enforce your own boundaries. Nit picking boundary definitions - 'but you didn't say don't do X!' or 'I thought other people were around so it was ok!' - is a tactic predators use to get access to people who have already told them their boundaries. He knows what your boundaries are. You have clearly told him, repeatedly. But he doesn't care and is actively gaming to get around them. (He even told you as much in that conversation about what phrases triggers you and what doesn't. He's not making mental notes of that kind so he can be a better friend to you. He's avoiding triggers so he can more effectively persuade/coerce/confuse you into physically interacting with him.)

I bet your friends who are setting up a scene with/for him don't even realize how they have been manipulated into pushing your boundaries for him. Ask them why they thought you had agreed to this scene. I guarantee you it will tie back to something he said or implied to them, about your participation. I will bet money they think you have already told him you were down for sceneing with him. You are correct that this whole scenario assumes your consent which has not been given. This is not your fault and there was no miscommunication.

He won't relax, get a clue and let trust flow naturally. He is untrustworthy. Your instincts are right on. Pay attention to them. He will always continue to push your boundaries, and those of the people around you to get access to your body (and likely other women too.)

This kind of predatory behavior is especially horrifying because it relies on the social desire of everyone, but especially women, to be nice, to get along, to think the best of people around them. It makes people doubt their instincts. While not gas-lighting, it can feel very similar.

It can be really hard for someone not the focus of this kind of attention to understand how disorientating and disturbing it is. That said, Zen needs to get a clue and believe you when you describe what is happening to you. You are not overreacting at all. It looks like a 'normal' social interaction, maybe someone who seems to be socially awkward. It is not. This is a deliberate pattern, designed to make it hard to impossible for you to say no, to enforce your boundaries. He has no interest in being an actual friend to you (or any woman he finds attractive most likely).

I suggest going no contact, no interaction with him. He will turn on you but that's inevitable, once he realizes that all of the manipulation won't work to get him in your pants. Tell Zen how to support you, and expect him to do so. You deserve that. Tell your friends what you've told us there. Lay out the pattern, tell them of your discomfort and uneasiness. He is doing this to you, and given the 'beautiful ladies' comment, he is doing this to other women in the local community. Compare notes with these ladies. You will find some shocking similarities in how he treats all of you.

Again, I'm sorry this is happening. It's not fair and it's not right.
 
From a guy's perspective? I totally agree with opalescent. The guy is like a zombie. He just keeps on coming. Whem you push him back he just gives you an "aw shucks". It is very obvious he has an agenda.

I actually cringed when I read he approached you when you were in aftercare mode. Who the fuck does that, whether they know you or not?

Saying you can't make it is not the same as saying you aren't interested. At least not to a guy like him.
 
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