How do I deal with my non-resentful grudging consent?

[FreddyApple]

Hi there,

I’ve been conscious of my own polyamourosity for some years now but I am also in a relationship with a mono partner. I have been honest about how I feel with her but she does not believe that she can live in any kind of open/poly relationship. I love her more than I have ever loved anyone so there is no question for me about leaving her in search of a poly lifestyle. And I’ve accepted a no from her.

Even though I’m happy with her, I still feel uncomfortable with living a strickly monogamous existence. I’ve read many places that ‘grudging consent’ will lead to resentment, which is poisonous for a relationship. But, honestly, I don’t really feel resentment. I may feel frustration at times, but that is hardly the same. I can’t resent the fact that she has given me a no because I don’t see it as something that she has “taken away” from me or is “doing to me”. And I also don’t think that I (or any other person) is entitled to everything that I want in life; sometimes you have to make a hard choice where you give up something to gain something else – and those hard choices are a large part of who you are and are important to personal integrity. So no resentment here, even as my consent is somewhat grudging.

My question then is, ultimately: How do I best deal with an existence in monogamy where I have accepted a no but still find it hard (although not being resentful)? What do people do in these situations? I hate watching porn (partly because I think it has the reverse effect of what I’m trying to achieve). I don’t feel that I have many people I can talk to about it (with my partner it gets very touchy, and here in Denmark polyamorousity isn’t really much of a thing yet). Are there some “tools” that I can use to make my consciously chosen monogamous life easier?

Best regards and many greetings from Copenhagen

 

[endusal]

Hi FreddyApple,

Writing this as a (probably) mono person with a more or less poly partner: I think there's a high cost in having to excise a part of your personality in order to be in a relationship. In my opinion before you dive into management mode (and grudgingly at that), it's probably best to figure out what being polyamorous means for you. Think about it in depth: what is your core need that you feel would be met through a poly lifestyle? If you decide staying with your partner is of paramount importance, is there a way that this could be met with a different strategy?

I am, however, somewhat wary of the fact that you cannot even broach the subject without your partner getting touchy. No matter how much we love our partners, having a big issue that you cannot talk about with them is a serious matter that tends to impact a relationship sooner or later. If we feel that some integral part of us is not accepted or understood, I don't think that is something that can be swept under the rug without consequences.

I think it will be good to be able to talk about these things here on this forum for a start.

 

[Tinwen]

I don’t feel that I have many people I can talk to about it (with my partner it gets very touchy, and here in Denmark polyamorousity isn’t really much of a thing yet).

This is something that could potentially improve.
If your acceptance of monogamy is honest, there are probably ways to convey that to your partner so that she is more secure. Then it may be more convenient for her to talk with you about your crushes etc., if she knows that the purpose of this talking is not to open up but to help this part of you feel seen and heard.
Speaking up about your feelings on this, if done without manipulative intentions, might bring your relationship more depth and intimacy.

You could also get a friend who is understanding enough. Polyamory as a term or movement may not be a thing in Denmark, but there are people who "get it" everywhere. It's just not a common conversation topic. So widen your social circle or get more depth (in non-sexual ways). That might be what you're after with poly anyway.

 

[icesong]

Perhaps, also, defining very carefully for yourself and for your partner what monogamy means _to each of you_, not societally, might be a useful exercise. If you can get your partner to talk about this - which I understand may be difficult for her/you - you might find that there is more room to explore deep and meaningful relationships with other people while still maintaining the forms of monogamy that your partner needs / wants.

A lighthearted example:

A more robust one:

 

[kdt26417]

Hello FreddyApple,

Perhaps learning more about polyamory would help your emotional state. You can do that on this forum, of course. Also More than Two might help. And, I would suggest make an appointment with a counselor.

It doesn't sound like you have any intention of leaving your partner, and it doesn't sound likely that she is ever going to accept poly. So, you will have to do without, and manage your emotions (e.g. frustrations) as best you can. Hopefully this forum can help.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Ravenscroft]

here in Denmark polyamorousity isn’t really much of a thing yet

I figure you're probably familiar already with polyamori.dk, correct?

Really, it's not much of a "thing" in the United States, either. Estimates are that maybe 5% of the population is involved in some sort of "couple+" situation: swinging, DADT, teeth-gritted "open," intentionally uncommitted, one-night stands, etc. This likely predates the "poly" concept. Actual on-going polyamory is a small subset.

 

[lunabunny]

FreddyApple, I think the other respondents have presented some good food for thought above. In particular, Icesong's suggestion re: having your partner to elaborate on what monogamy means to them exactly is a great starting point. (Thanks for those visuals too, Icesong, I saved them.)

Most people think they know what "monogamy" means - it's simple to define, right? - and hence they think that everybody else defines it the same way. But while not as broad a category as polyamory, monogamy can mean different things to different people.

For example, after discussing the subject in depth, you may find your partner is adamantly against either of you sharing sex with other people, but isn't perturbed by you maintaining close emotional connections with a friend or friends that may run deeper than what most people regard as "normal" for a partnered person.

Conversely, she may feel threatened by the idea of you becoming exceptionally close to another person (as a confidante, best friend or the like), but might not totally rule out purely physical forms of connection with others who you're not otherwise intimately involved with (swinging, group sex etc) - OR physical forms of affection with close friends that fall into the "less than" sexual basket (hugs, cuddles, holding hands).

It depends what aspects are most important to you about "polyamory", and how much a part of your Being those things are.

I can't help but notice the number of times you insist you're NOT resentful about having agreed to your partner's stance on monogamy... and can only hope you're not overcompensating here by trying to convince yourself and/or us that you accept her limits. Having agreed to mono relatively recently I assume, your resolve has yet to be tested, and you won't be doing yourself or your partner any favours by being less than forthcoming about your true feelings.

 

[1234567]

I think one you can do is own both your choice to be monogamousand your freedom to revoke that choice.

You are choosing because it works for you - now - and is worth it.

It might not later.

You can still hold the freedom to revoke that choice.

Only... if you think it’s likely and you don’t want resentment from her, (and her to feel you have deceived her) at least let her know that’s Where you are so she can emotionally prepare if there is a need to choose between you and monogamy later- or have the time to think through if she would want to do the work to open up- or even if she’s capable (not everyone is. Especially without resentment- which as you don’t want- is only fair for her by not deal with,’too).

It’s a bit risky.

Heck, I just lost a relationship partly that way by realizing that I could not, under current circumstances, continue to commit to non-monogamy when I dated - that I might eventually find a relationship where most of my needs were met in one person enough for monogamy with that person to be a better option than the current poly situation where need meeting was spotty. That’s was, unless our relationship changed to meet more of the needs on the snorgasboard above, it wasnmr enough to continue securely.

My partner could not accept that. Not could they give me what I wanted.

The relationship dwindled.

BUT- no one got blindsided. There was no resentment (or very little). We have gratitude towards eachother. And I suspect we will end up capturing the best of us in a friendship again someday.

Your best defense against honesty about lack of security being an issue? Being rock solid for eachother as partners. Knowing that you choose eachother because you are good for eachother - and eaxhother makes sense— holds fears at bay.