Mono Male with Poly Wife and looking to Connect

M

Mtndrmz

New member
So...
After trying swinging for a few years (which I wasn't very good at, often could not perform) we have come to the realization that she is looking for a relationship with another male that is long term and love is certainly a part of it. After reading much about poly I am compersive so it won't be a problem in the long term. After a couple of attepts to have a relationship that didn't work for her, the guys just wanted sex parttnrr, she seems to have found someone who is also looking for a emotional relationship. She has fully informed him of our status and other then making sure we were not trying to create a triad (not his term) he liked the situation.

So... Now that we are getting into what seems to be a mono poly state I thought it would help to meet and talk with other males in my situation. Someone to chat with and bounce things off of, share experiences, and generally be friends who understands the lifestyle.

I don't mind the public discussion but prefer ultimaty to use private chat.

Thanks.......,
 
Hi Mtndrmz,

Hopefully you'll find some like-minded individuals who can discuss the ins and outs of poly experiences with you. I am partnered with a woman who has another partner, so if I can help just let me know, on this thread or by PM.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi Mtndrmz,

Hopefully you'll find some like-minded individuals who can discuss the ins and outs of poly experiences with you. I am partnered with a woman who has another partner, so if I can help just let me know, on this thread or by PM.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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What type of boundaries do you set? if any?

Is there still a jealousy reaction? have any Envy?
 
Hi H&C,

I am in a closed V. The rules are, none of (the three of) us will be having sex outside our V. It is possible that our V could become an N, and then the new person could have sex with one or more of us. However, becoming an N (or a Y) would be a painstaking process. None of us are looking for anyone new.

I used to have jealousy at times in the early days of our V. But, it's been quite a few years since I had that. As far as I know, none of us (in this V) have jealousy or have had it for quite some time. However, I can remember what it was like, and can sympathize.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
We have rules about obvious things, like, be honest with each other. I do hang out with the other guy, we watch TV shows together often. Also the three of us often do things together, road trips or eating out and that type of thing.
 
kdt26417 said:
We have rules about obvious things, like, be honest with each other. I do hang out with the other guy, we watch TV shows together often. Also the three of us often do things together, road trips or eating out and that type of thing.
Click to expand...

When ever I think about it I want to impose all these silly boundaries.. no PDA around me, no PDA in public, (I have some weird discomfort/fear of other people "finding out" as we live on a TINY island; still working on that, it shouldn't matter) no texting or calling around me...

I think I just need to get more comfortable with the idea; or maybe those just need to be temporary as I get used to the idea.
 
The rules/boundaries you mentioned are actually okay. Especially for early in the poly situation. We don't have any formal PDA rules, but, when the three of us are together, we don't do any PDA beyond a group hug.

We often get situations where one partner is texting another partner way too often, especially when that partner is supposedly spending one-on-one time with their "main partner." Rules/boundaries about texting are often needed.

P.S. When I say "rules" in this thread I mean "agreements." The rules don't have any stated consequences for violations. When I say "boundaries" I mean rules one sets for oneself. Boundaries have fixed consequences for violations, set by the individual. "If my partner sleeps around without telling me, I will break up with my partner." Or, "I will break up if it happens as many as three times." That sort of thing.
 
My husband isn't a member of this site, but he is mono while I'm poly. My seeing other people was actually his suggestion; he figured out before I did what would work for me. I don't know that I'll be much help, but I can try to answer some questions both from his perspective and from the perspective of being the wife in a mono-poly marriage.
 
Thanks,

How long have you been poly?
Did you, as a couple, have an open relationship or swing prior?

Was there any time/period where he delt with conflicting emotions about your time away? Is so, how did he deal with them?

Looking forward to hearing back.
 
We opened our marriage a bit over five years ago. It was Hubby's idea, with the intention of addressing some incompatibilities between us. In other words, he suggested we open the marriage so that I could see other men and have some things I wanted that Hubby wasn't willing to engage in. At first, it was meant to be an open marriage in the swinger sense (sex only, no emotions beyond friendship), but that went out the window pretty fast. He got together with one woman a couple of times and decided the whole thing wasn't really for him; that was just about five years ago. We never "played" as a couple. He has the option to see others, but chooses not to.

Meanwhile, I'd started seeing a guy as a FWB, and after about six months realized I'd fallen in love with him. At the time, Hubby and I had an agreement that if feelings developed, whichever one of us it was would cut ties with the other person. (Which, by the way, isn't really fair to the other person, but we at least informed partners and potential partners up front that we had the agreement.) I told Hubby that I'd fallen for the guy and that I would cut contact with him. Hubby said he didn't want me to do that, that he'd realized I could love someone else and not lose any love for him, and he was okay with the situation. He was the one who first labeled me "polyamorous." (I'd sort of heard the word before but didn't really know much; Hubby reads too much science fiction and fantasy, so was familiar with the concept.)

In the beginning, he asked that I not stay overnight with any partner. That lasted about a year, until I went to visit the guy I mention above. It had become a long-distance relationship, so visiting the guy meant I *had to* stay overnight. Hubby found that didn't bother him as much as he'd thought it would, so when my next relationship began, me spending two nights a month with that partner was okay. (My kids were still living at home at the time, so *I* decided I was only comfortable spending nights with my other partner when my kids were with their father (not my husband).) That was almost four years ago.

At first when I was spending nights with that partner, Hubby had a couple of moments of "My wife isn't in my bed tonight, she's with another man." That didn't exactly make him jealous so much as make him feel a little lonely because I wasn't sleeping beside him. He dealt with it by reminding himself that I would be there the following night, and he adjusted pretty fast to the idea.

He doesn't really experience jealousy. He's happy knowing that I'm happy, and doesn't see much difference between my being happy because of him or being happy because of someone else.
 
Thank you so much for sharing that. Being alone is the only difficult part for me. I so enjoy her company that it's hard to sleep when she isn't there. She has not spent the night yet but it is only because of her concern for me. I do want her to have that freedom to do so if she chooses and I want to be supportive. I need to learn to use my time alone in a positive way and that will let her totally relax and enjoy her relationship with her BF.
 
Re:
"I need to learn to use my time alone in a positive way ..."
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You have the right idea. Look for things that are positive/fun for you to do. Even better, things that you like to do, that she doesn't care for so much. Shows you like that she doesn't care for. Food you like that she doesn't care for. In general, just have fun in a way that makes being alone somewhat enjoyable.
 
How would you pass the time if your partner had to travel a lot for business?

You would work on hobbies, work around the house, binge watch shows your partner hated, spend time with family, pets, and or friends. Take up a hobby or sport.

Just because you get married doesn't mean you have to be attached at the hip.

My husband Butch plays World of Warcraft, watches bad movies with the kids, plays with the dogs and birds, takes the kids out to the local amusement park. Practices axe throwing. Goes out with friends. And so much more when I am gone.

Murf works on his cars. Plays with his dog. Plays poker. Works in the yard. Reads. Catches up on sleep and etc while I am away from him.
 
Mtndrmz said:
Thank you so much for sharing that. Being alone is the only difficult part for me. I so enjoy her company that it's hard to sleep when she isn't there. She has not spent the night yet but it is only because of her concern for me. I do want her to have that freedom to do so if she chooses and I want to be supportive. I need to learn to use my time alone in a positive way and that will let her totally relax and enjoy her relationship with her BF.
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Definitely treat yourself when you're on your own. This is what I do. It might be a night out with friends, or staying in and lazing about as pleasantly as I can. Better still, try out something new. Sometimes, especially if you're not used to going out on your own, this will feel lonely. It's okay. But it's important to make it an objectively good experience. This is what will stay with you in the long run.

It's also important to take your time and not push yourself for something you might not be ready for yet.

A huge chunk of my troubles while the relationship between my partner and his gf was developing was that a) I was not able to define my boundaries very well, wanted to be cool with things but actually wasn't, and b) they were unwittingly (also because of NRE) pressuring me in various ways. I find that I can be very generous and at ease with things when I'm not under pressure (internal or external). This involves both me internally assessing where I am at, and the others being considerate.

That said, even if fuck-ups crop up, it's not the end of the world, and they can be patched up.
 
I am sooo boring. So I went to the gym, came home, fed the dogs, got my stuff ready for work the next day and by that time it was 9:30. I poored a large glass of wine, grabbed a book, and started reading. Before I know it it the time is 11:30pm and I was still totally relaxed. Just getting sleepy. So I finished getting ready for bed, and just before midnight my wife texts she is on her way home and can I call her. I know she wants to hear my voice to know everything is ok. I call her and I truly am fine, which she can tell. She had an awesome night and can't wait to get home to me. I refill the glass of wine and wait for her about 15 minutes feeling anticipation of seeing her face. She comes upstairs and she has the " been fucked good" look and she comes over to the bed. She sees the glass of wine and she lights up knowing it is really ok. A quick wash of her face and strip and she gets into bed. We talk and share for an hour and by then she is wanting me so bad we make very passionate love. This is real, amazing, and totally unexpected. Especially the passion.

I think I am going to be great. BTW, her BF is wanting her to spend the night, but now I know I can support this without reservation. I am lucky in that he lives 3.5 hours away and comes through on business, spending nights in a hotel,, so i won't have to worry about how much time he may want/need in their developing relationship.

The love I felt from my wife throughout the night as she snuggled to me was deeply satisfying. I guess the NRE is a sharable thing. I feel it as if I am the one taking a lover.
 
Mtndrmz said:
I guess the NRE is a sharable thing. I feel it as if I am the one taking a lover.
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Our conflict with infidelity and finally reaching truth seemed to do the same thing, I think your route may be a bit more healthy; however. I wonder if relationship trauma has a similar refocusing effect to "outside" NRE exposure?

glad to hear you handled what you thought would be a difficult situation well, what you wrote seems like a very reasonable situation; I hope I can see it the same way at some point.
 
As a newcomer here, I have read a lot and feel knowledgable on all this. I just have a hard time grasping a couple of things.

One of those is poly-mono relationships...does any of the mono people feel like they are not allowed to also try poly for themselves and seek out other partners? Like are any of you in a situation where you are generally fine with being mono and you feel compersion for your partner....but you could also see yourself possibly wanting another partner but you just choose not to even try because you know that your main partner who is seeing someone else would not be comfortable with it being balanced?

The other element I struggle with sometimes is the active exclusion from certain aspects of your partners relationship with someone else, especially intimate things, through rules, guidelines and boundaries etc. Coming from a swinging background I just feel like the concept of being not welcome or not invited to be in the same room when my girlfriend has sex or is just cuddling with her other boyfriend...I feel like that is in some ways not polyamory....if the word comes from meaning "many loves" but in many cases the relationships are kept quite separate and excludes me from seeing PDA or watching them be intimate or joining in etc.....that preference for separation, behind closed doors or seeing other partner on specific days....that all feels like what I would call "relationship swapping" more than polyamory. Like I understand not everyone is into group sex...but when doors are closed and I'm not allowed to even catch a glimpse of them hanging out or being intimate or just watching tv....that does not feel very "open" to me....it feels more like segregation and not sharing love.
 
Because everyone has the right to privacy in their relationships.

My husbands both have no interest in group sex and neither do I. And definitely have no interest in having sex in front of each other.

Just because I have a relationship with someone be it romantic or platonic that does not give another partner or friend the right to be apart of that relationship.
 
XYZ,

If you hadn't yet, you may want to create a thread of your own. Not a requirement, just a thought.

Generally the mono\poly relationships that are healthy, the mono partner desires to be monogamous because it suits them, not because the other partner wants them to be monogamous. They accept their partner's desire to be poly and have other relationships without wanting other partners for themselves. And sometimes this can change over time.

It is also common for poly partners with mono partners who express a desire to explore poly for themselves to become insecure, to have feelings around that they have to work though. It is a double standard to expect the previously mono partner not to explore poly if they want to, or demand they be mono. Often what happens is that the poly partner gets freaked out by the mono partner's explorations - maybe they find someone to date - and then demands that both of them become monogamous again. People can work through this and end up in the relationship style that suits them. But it will take a willingness to deal with discomfort, pain, jealously, and so on.

Polyamory is just the desire to have multiple relationships. It doesn't automatically have anything to do with group sex or watching others have sex. Personally, any time where I would be expected to allow a spouse of a partner to either join or watch me have sex with their partner, would be a deal breaker. I'm not interested. I would never impose that condition on someone else. I realize it's common in swinging to not do things separately, or mostly have couple based interactions with other people. But poly allows for a huge range of relationship interactions. You can ask your partner to only have sex with other people if you are there or if you can watch or join in. But she has the right to say no to that. And the people she has sex with have the right to not be interested in having you join or watch ever too.

Ask yourself why you want so badly to either be there and watch or be involved? Do you feel safer? Less insecure? Feel like you can control things? What are you getting out of that scenario? If you want that because it helps you deal with emotions of your own, rethink it. Rules that control someone else's actions in order to manage your own emotions are first, ineffective, and second, very unfair to everyone involved. In the long run, it is impossible to expect other people to manage your emotions for you. It's something you are going to have to do on your own. It's best to learn how to do that now, rather than be forced to later on.
 
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