I'm conflicted inside and will be going to therapy
Veracity of her story aside I believe my best option is to remove myself from this situation entirely. I explained on an earlier post that she revealed it wasn't a one time thing. The incident in question is the worst she remembers but there were other instances of fingering and other forms of inappropriate touching.
I do not believe that Jimmy would have continued his behavior unless he thought that he could. I am also willing to bet that the behavior did not start with the sexual assault. I'm sure it started smaller, maybe a comment here, a touch there to test the waters and when he felt comfortable enough he escalated.
I would understand if this happened to a child who has no concept or context to rationalize something like this. I was actually abused as a child by my female babysitter. I was five, and at five, I recognized that what she did was wrong. She was like a second mother to me and I still did what needed to be done. The very same night the abuse happened, I told my mother and she was immediately fired. Who knows how much abuse did I save myself from by speaking up. She would have definitely done it again if I stayed quiet. I know not all children act this way unfortunately.
However I find it immensely difficult to understand how a grown intelligent adult can be subjected to this and not only keep it quiet, but remain friends with the abuser, especially someone who was raped in the past. [(I'm not sure if I mentioned this earlier but this is something she revealed along with the Jimmy thing. It happened years before and she went through counseling and therapy)
If the Jimmy thing happened once, I would understand wanting to forgive him and keeping it quiet, but to allow this to go on is inconceivable to me. I understand cases where the abuser may have some power over the victim, (e.g. boss, older relative, Harvey Weinstein etc,.) but your friends boyfriend? What can actually happen if you speak up? What can he actually do? What do you have to lose? I would understand if this is someone you care about but she claims she doesn't and never did.
She claims she hates him ever since the first time he abused her. She also had other close friends to hang out with, and other social circles. Her and Jimmy did not work together, go to the same school or even live in the same neighborhood, so there was no need for her to see him. She actually had to go out of her way and travel to his neighborhood in order to hang out with him and Nancy. She could have easily declined to hang out with him, she could have avoided him, she could have asked Nancy to hang out with her alone as many friends do, so why continue to go around this person if you know he might abuse you when you absolutely don't have to?
She says she only hung out with him because of Nancy and that she barely tolerated his presence, but I would watch Jimmy and my gf together and they would act like any other friends would. They would laugh at each other's jokes, tell anecdotes about each other, click glasses and take shots, dance with each other, speak with each other away from the group (which I consider absolutely normal friend behavior). I would have never guessed that she was so traumatized by him based on her behavior around him. I watched her touch his arm, slap his back jokingly, talk in each other's ears to bypass the loud music at the bar (which again, completely normal behavior between friends who don't have any hate, trauma, or fear between them).
If for whatever reason she didn't want to tell her best friend of 10 years about her boyfriend's crimes, at least let HIM know that his behavior is inappropriate and won't be tolerated. I don't even know how or why the abuse stopped because she says she never said anything to him. She says all she did was stop going to his home at some point. She however continued to go out and drink with the guy and his girlfriend on a regular basis up until the weekend before this situation was revealed. Maybe he actually never stopped and she has somehow accepted the behavior as normal. Maybe he would actually do or says things even around me and I did not notice or suspect anything because I didn't have the background story. I think back to some moments I had seen him biting his lips while talking to her and her smiling with her hand on his shoulder pulling close to hear what he's saying. (I noticed this while looking at some videos of all of us at some nightclubs. I had thought nothing of it until today).
Because of all this, a small part of me has the occasional doubt that maybe she did participate in this willingly, even if only at the beginning, and then found herself too ashamed to tell her best friend.
My doubts aside, and assuming her version is true, I am concerned that she might be psychologically damaged to allow someone to treat her with such disrespect and do nothing about it. There must be something wrong with her judgement, or her self-image to continue to make herself available to her abuser despite fearing him and hating him. I've spoken to other victims of sexual abuse on other forums and the consensus is that victims will do everything they can to avoid their abusers after an incident like this happens. Even if they keep quiet, they will avoid the person as much as they can and will only be around them if absolutely necessary or by accident. I've read things like "I couldn't stand the sight of him" and "If I knew he was going to be somewhere I wouldn't go" or "If he showed up somewhere I would find an excuse to leave" (These quotes are from other victims of sexual abuse). It appears my gf was doing the opposite. That being said, I keep hearing that victims of sexual abuse sometimes act erratically and in ways that make no sense.
At the moment I am doing everything that I can to help her feel better and reassure her but deep down I'm torn. I love her but I also resent her for being so weak and allowing someone to abuse her this way. Dealing with this is taking so much out of me and I am starting to resent her for bringing this into my life. This may come from my own personal experience with sexual abuse and my upbringing. I grew up with an alcoholic, abusive father who had little tolerance for emotions or weakness. Nothing I did was ever enough, so I grew up with an immense desire to show I was worth something. I am an overachiever and a workaholic who has very little tolerance and patience for incompetence or anything that I perceive as a weakness of character. I have never felt any sympathy for victims of bullying because all it takes to stop a bully is to show a little courage (I did many times throughout my childhood even though I was always the smaller kid)
I want nothing more than to help her get through this and my main priority is making her feel better. I am constantly on the phone with her, comforting her, reassuring her that I'm on her side and that everything is ok. Even when I'm at work I make myself available to talk to her whenever she needs me.I care about her deeply and with everything I've read and listened to about sexual abuse, I am emphatic to her situation. Despite what I feel inside, I do nothing to indicate that I'm not with her 100%
I am also overcome by an immense desire to hurt this guy, to make him feel just some of the pain he has caused her. It really hurts me to see her like this while he is walking around sleeping like a baby, probably oblivious to what he caused. She tells me that she is afraid of running into him, and afraid he may try to climb through her window at night. I suggested getting an order of protection but this would involve law enforcement, and she doesn't want to do that.
I will be going to a therapist tomorrow for the first time in my life. This situation has brought up a lot of things from my past that I had apparently been been suppressing according to the hotline. A and a lot is starting to make sense in my life. I am an emotional wreck and have even considered if I have also violated her consent at some point throughout our relationship and she simply let it happen. I can't even imagine having sex with her again and what that will be like. Last night she tried to initiate dirty talking and phone sex (which I find odd considering what she's going through). I couldn't do it. I don't even think I'm physically capable of sex right now. She sensed that I wasn't into it and stopped momentarily, than proceeded to watch porn and masturbate while I was still on the phone. (We sometimes do this when we are away from each other but last night it felt weird and I was a bit perturbed by it). We are scheduled to spend a couple weeks together soon and she keeps talking about it, but I don't know if I want to be sexual with her.
I will continue to support her and do my best to get her through this. I will make sure she starts going through therapy again and starts to take care of her issues. She has an appointment on Monday. Once she's on a good path to recovery I will take some distance and start to work on resolving my own issues. She has close friends to carry her through this. I have no one (which is why I'm turning to strangers on the internet. I find myself in no shape to carry both her baggage and mine all by myself. I will do it for now but I don't see this relationship working in the long-run unless the therapy can somehow change that change that.
