New to poly. Need advice.

M

MarcoPolo3211

New member
Hi everyone, I need a bit of advice. My girlfriend and I have been together for 6 months now. We both went into this being poly from the start, she had a boyfriend when I first met her but they split up and now we've been primaries for the past 2 months. Anyway, on to the issue at hand.

The problem is one that I'm sure this is probably a common one but I'm finding a lack of articles to read on the subject. Our poly experiences so far are completely mismatched. She's been on many dates, she goes at least once a week, she's met new people that care about her and treat her well and respect our dynamic and that's great. I on the other hand, after trying every dating app and website there is that's worth trying, have not gotten one single date, don't even have anyone interested in talking to me. Just 0 interest at all.

Now, I'm not here to ask how to find someone, I'm just seeking advice on how to deal with such overwhelming rejection, and how to deal with these feelings of envy I've been having toward my partner since this is all so easy for her and so impossible for me.
 
Hello MarcoPolo3211,

I don't know if this would help, but you are far from alone in this. Poly men have a notoriously hard time finding poly women, while poly women usually have it easy. Which is what you're experiencing. I don't know why there is such a disparity between the sexes, but we've had many men come to this forum with that exact complaint. I myself had rotten luck with OKCupid, so I know how it feels. Just don't think it's because you're doing something wrong; you're not. You're just having typical luck for trying to find people to date.

You might want to try a more indirect approach; that is, look for local poly groups in your area and attend their meetings. If you can make some friends, eventually a friend may become more than a friend. Heck not just local poly groups, local groups of any kind, clubs that do stuff that interests you, anywhere where you can meet people and make friends. Don't push, obviously, just let it happen if/when it will. But I don't have a lot of advice for you other than that. Sorry you're having this experience; it sucks.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
What do your profiles on the dating sites and apps say (exactly, not paraphrased)? There are certain seemingly innocuous phrases that raise a field of red flags for experienced poly women. It's possible you've accidentally used one or more of them.
 
I appreciate the insight and advice. It's a difficult thing to deal with.

As for what my dating profiles say:

Polyamorous and currently committed to my one forever human. Poly does not equal casual sex, I seek genuine connections with genuine people. There are entirely too many layers of depth to my character to fit into this box. But there's the basics. Hard working Italian and father to a 5 year old little dude, basshead and EDM addict, raves and music festivals are my thing, avid poi spinner and flow arts enthusiast, love a good beer, 420, psychedelic experiences, BDSM and rope are fun. Libra if that matters, good vibes only!

I'm going to Electric Forest this year with the love of my life, can't wait!
 
You've avoided the most common red flags, but "my one forever human" implies that anyone else is only ever going to be temporary. Not many people would sign up for that if they're looking for a relationship rather than a casual fling. Maybe lose the word "one" and go with "... committed to my forever human."
 
My advice is to go out and meet new people. If poly circles and internet does not work for you, go out and meet ladies on a bar or something. Don't go telling that you are in a relationship. Say that you aren't really looking for anything right now and get to know people. You might get a confidence boost if some girl shows interest in you and that would help you with feelings of rejection when you are the one doing rejecting. Self confidence is hot, low self esteem is not.
 
MarcoPolo3211 said:
As for what my dating profiles say:
Polyamorous and currently committed to my one forever human. Poly does not equal casual sex, I seek genuine connections with genuine people. There are entirely too many layers of depth to my character to fit into this box. But there's the basics. Hard working Italian and father to a 5 year old little dude, basshead and EDM addict, raves and music festivals are my thing, avid poi spinner and flow arts enthusiast, love a good beer, 420, psychedelic experiences, BDSM and rope are fun. Libra if that matters, good vibes only!
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Well... not terrible, but I can't say it's strong.

It reads like something a female seeking a male would write.

Uses "polyamory" as a buzzword. The general audience won't understand at all, or will misinterpret. The few who properly grasp the term -- people actually experienced in polyamory, that is -- might feel you're talking down to them. Better to say "open relationship": people generally have a reasonable grasp on what it implies.

(In particular, "one forever" is dissonant with "polyamory." It indicates "one REAL dyad, with a little cheap fun on the side." IMO, anyone who can define the term at all knows this.)

Show, don't tell. Don't brag up how "complicated" you are -- use the space to demonstrate.

Caution about run-on sentences. You seem to say your son is an "EDM addict."

Be specific: by "good beer" do you mean "not-stale Bud Ice" or "craft brew"?

Maybe it's different experiences, but I wouldn't bother mentioning BDSM. Seems like everyone is "into it" these days, even if they have no first clue. It's about as pointless as saying "I have an iPhone." ;)

The "good vibes" signoff is probably reducing interest, specifically to women who'd use such phrases. As well, it's a bit like "no drama!!" -- a phrase heavily used by people who are really terrible at inflicting drama on others.

And I feel that "less is more" applies as well. It should either be longer & go into some details you skim, or more succint (implying "ask me for more").

I have a busy day ahead, but at a first pass:
I seek genuine connections with genuine people. Hard-working Italian and father to a 5 year old little dude, and I'm happily in a stable open relationship. I'm a basshead and EDM addict, raves and music festivals are my thing, avid poi spinner and flow arts enthusiast. Enjoy craft beers, 420, psychedelic experiences.
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Yup welcome to the world of poly dating for most men. No, I am not jaded or anything. It is what it is for most poly men on dating apps. I've come to accept that and work around it accordingly. In my very small unscientific study, unless you have a body of steel and rippling abs AND looking for one nighters just to have sex with, it seems to me its has to be right place right time to find something meaningful. Not necessarily on a dating app.

Not to drown your hopes further. :) Let's go one step further beyond radio silence on dating apps. I live in a pretty conservative red state, so poly seems pretty closeted in general. We are closeted as well for professional and personal reasons to only but a super select few. However, open enough for me to go on dating apps. Wife is currently happy with her situation. So it leaves me to venture out looking.

Even in the particular area that I am in, depending on the time I have been looking. Sometimes its dead, like currently. Other times I have gotten responses. So I can rest assured (I keep telling myself :) ) my profile pictures are not like the elephant man or sloth from goonies to know I at least capture their attention enough to read my profile. Then my profile was interesting enough to hold their attention, so when I did message them I got a response.

So I have had many a meaningful text exchange, kik conversation and actual text messaging... been on many "meet and greets" as I call them, few have been second and third dates. Then poof... Something happens and its over. Either I have the absolute worst luck with finding anything meaningful out there or there is a unbalance of sorts. So even after your profile and/or pictures catch the attention of someone, for me it's not really any easier after that.

Now, I have given up on the dating apps for a while. They are confidence killers for me. I think I am a pretty confident and outgoing person but man the rejection can outright be demoralizing. I am going to try the poly meetups in my area and see how they are.

It's a come to jesus moment I have had to accept, understand and be ok with. Some days the struggle is harder than others. Keep your chin up and don't give up. Message boards like this one can help keep your sanity while looking.

-j
 
currently committed to my one forever human.
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and
with the love of my life, can't wait!
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These two statements right here would make you an automatic no for me.

Basically it tells me I would be second to you current partner and that what I want wouldn't matter because she is #1.

Second of all you sound like you could be just looking to date because she is aka tit for tat poly.
 
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