Polite “no thank you”?

M

MsEmotional

Member
I don’t think this is so much a poly question so much as it is a boundaries question in general. How do you politely end a potential relationship before it gets more involved? I mean literally: I need a step-by-step template of what to say. I am not so experienced with saying no.

Basically, a guy messaged me on FetLife and I have been enjoying chatting with him, teasing him, etc. He lives in another country, so I hadn’t thought anything too involved could come from it. Anyway, we’ve been chatting a LOT in the last couple days and I can feel myself being tempted to get sucked in to being some kind of “virtual” Domme for him. I had never even thought of such a thing, so i feel very out of my element. Part of me is like, “hey this is fun, I can keep it in check...” and another part of me is like, “I have never done this before. I am going to lose myself in this dynamic and I don’t want to.” It happened fast — but started out with such small suggestions/requests that I didn’t even notice it at first.

Anyway, I am not comfortable with where this is going. Not because it isn’t fun, but because I feel like it could become all-consuming and I just don’t have space in my life for that. How do I say that to him? I meant to say it yesterday after my therapist encouraged me to let this thing go before it gets deeper.....but then that evening when he started sending me messages I found the anticipation of each message to be irresistible and so I got sucked in.

Here are the facts:
1. He is exactly the kind of sub that fits with my style of dominance.
2. I like chatting with him.
3. I don’t think I feel comfortable with the time I can feel myself wanting to devote to this guy.
4. I haven’t told my partners that I am chatting with him. Although I don’t feel obligated to tell them at this stage, I feel uncomfortable with the fact that I am actively avoiding the topic. It feels like I am cheating.
5. I know that Ponytail would have a hard time if he knew — this dynamic that I have with this online guy is similar to the dynamic I have with him (only in kink context — not as a relationship) and he has expressed to me that having a similar dynamic with another submissive guy would be a really difficult thing for him. This feeds into my discomfort about my partners finding out.

Basically, I know I want this to go away and I need to be direct. I also don’t know how much of the above details I should share. I also don’t want to hurt this guy’s feelings. He has been quite vulnerable with me already and I don’t want to cause any harm by dismissing him. I also know from my experience last night that I have a hard time ignoring the attention. I need to excuse myself from this situation permanently — I think leaving the door open to friendship would likely make me feel inclined to get sucked back in.

I know a lot of you are really good at framing things in ways that are honest and direct and don’t involve mixed messages. Mixed messages are something I struggle with — I seriously need a script! Anyone have one?
 
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I have no script but I do know personally, I would direct and honest. Better to have some feeling hurt now than going down a rabbit hole. Compose your message to him without interference of chat or distraction so you can have time to compose your thoughts. I wouldn't ghost, not saying you would, although for some, its the only way they can handle such a permanent cut off. It completely burns the temptation of getting sucked back in. Unfortunately, the sooner you do it, its probably for the better without further risking yourself to be drawn back in..

Good Luck.

-Jay
 
'I've really enjoyed chatting with you. But I've got life circumstances that make continuing chatting with you not the best option for me. This is entirely about my life circumstances - you have done nothing wrong. You deserve someone who can give you time and attention. I wish you the best.'

And then don't explain further. "I can't continue.' is a full and complete sentence. You do not need to go into details about how your partners might feel to this person. That's important for you to know and figure out - but it's not something he needs to hear. He's going to be bummed and possibly hurt. It's necessary to hurt him - a little - to tell him the truth. Truth is not pain free.
 
I also have no script.
If you both have been vulnerable already, I tend to not agree with Opalescent - I would give a real reason. I would also like the person to be able to react, but if you feel maybe you can't handle it, or if you suspect they can't stay respecful, then don't. But that's just my take. What JasonJones writes is good advice.

If you insist on specific tips, let me try, you customize
"I've really enjoyed our unfolding dynamics, thank you for the experience. Unfortunately I do not have the time / emotional bandwidth to keep such a thing going, even online. I hope you understand I will discontinue our chat now. (Is there anything you need to say before I do so?)"
Hopefully they say something along the line of 'uh, well, that's disappointing, but thank you for the chat'. (Hint: If they say anything disrespectful or try to keep you from your decision, you can always block them right away.)
"I'm glad you had a nice time too, goodbye." Than unfriend them or whatever the app allows. Online really makes it easy to cut ambiguity if you're willing to unfriend and block.
 
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Hi MsEmotional,

Perhaps try something like, "Hello. I'm sorry I have to say that I need us to break up. I like you a lot and I've enjoyed our chats very much. I am wanting to devote more attention to this than I can afford to do, due to having other partners and commitments. I want to say thank you for an enjoyable time, and I wish you the best going forward." You can edit that statement according to your own judgment and taste, and of course you can compose your own completely different statement. I am just guessing at what might be best. Sadly, I think the guy is going to be hurt no matter how nicely you put it. It's just damage control at this point.

Sorry you find yourself in this tight spot,
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
"I've really enjoyed spending some time with you. Unfortunately, I've got personal life things here that need my attention so I need this flirtation come to an end. I hope you find a new FetLife chat buddy soon. Wishing you well!"

And that's it. Let it go. Don't answer if he pings.

You don't have to explain what personal life things ARE. They are that you don't want to get sucked in deeper into this. You've hit limit for how much you want to devote to this and you are done.

It's ok to put your attention on YOUR self care.

Galagirl
 
Thank you everyone. It was very hard to do, but I think I did it in the best way possible. He asked if I had anything to add and I said that I didn’t and then he didn’t respond after that. I would have liked an “I understand” or “thank you for being honest” but perhaps that is too much to ask. It was incredibly difficult for me to say (why is it so difficult to turn someone down? Do prettier girls have more practice at this than I do?) but I suppose it was also difficult to hear. It’s not his job to pat me on the back and tell me I did a good job of telling him.
 
That sucks, MsEmotional. I feel for you. It's so tempting to keep a thing like that going when the person seems to be everything you need/want in many ways, and the chat is fascinating and hard to resist, but the timing or other factors preclude anything deeper transpiring.

I commend you for doing it right.
 
Fuck

Fuck.

No, it didn’t go well. He messaged me an hour later asking me to delete all our conversations. I replied that yes, of course I would. And he said thank you and I said “absolutely.” Then he asked me if I was being sarcastic and I responded that no, of course not....and everything spiraled out of control from there.

At first he reassured me that he didn’t think I had wasted his time and thanked me for being honest with him and said he appreciated that I told him after a short period of time instead of waiting weeks or months. He reassured me that he didn’t think I owed him anything.

Then came some clarifying questions and telling me that I wasn’t thinking logically and then all of a sudden he was calling me selfish and accusing me of thinking of him as only a statistic, that he was better off without me as a friend.

So now I feel like shit.

I recognize that his reaction is his deal. That his reaction showed me his true colors. But I am not used to it. People who know me don’t call me selfish. It doesn’t happen. Even when someone is angry at me. I might not be everyone’s best friend and there may be shit that I do that annoys people, but gosh darn it people *like* me. They see me as a person who does not have malicious intent, even when I am telling them something they don’t want to hear.

This? This is just bizarre.
 
Yeah, that's shitty :(

It happens. Men let their anger run loose, especially online. I guess that's why people say to not explain your reasons, not defend, just withdraw.
I prefer risking openness, but then, I'm ok with being selfish to a certain degree and thinking that the other person is an asshole to a certain degree if they do that.
...telling me that I wasn’t thinking logically and then all of a sudden he was calling me selfish and accusing me of thinking of him as only a statistic, that he was better off without me as a friend.
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Put another way, ever heard of projection? :)
 
I'm sorry he blew up AT you rather than talking WITH you to end this with some grace.

Him having a cow is NOT your deal or your doing. It's his inability to accept that this went as far as it was gonna go and digest that disappointment appropriately rather than lashing out and tantrum-ing.

But yeah. Not fun to get slimed like that. Oy.

Galagirl
 
What really scared the shit out of me was that at one point (later on after my last post here, as he continued to contact me asking for more justification) he called me by my real name.....which I had not given him. I totally panicked and for a moment thought I was dealing with a serious stalker. But then I realized that, while I could only see his user name in the messaging app, my full first and last name that I had used when registering for the account was showing up in some of his replies. So I guess he could see my name and that’s how he knew what it was. Odd that he chose that moment to start using it. And he paused right after using it in a way that made me feel like he was trying to emphasize that he knew my real name.

Luckily, by then he was apologizing for his behavior and explaining that he was just hurt and reacting poorly. So I was able to justify to myself that he wasn’t trying to scare me. My name is rare. If you know only my city and age (information which was available on my FetLife profile) along with my first name, you could track me down pretty easily. And if you have my last name, which is unique, you’d know for sure. The fact that this guy, who I barely knew but who was pissed off at me and feeling bitter and rejected, knew that information was really heart-stopping. Still would require a visa and a 4,000 mile plane trip for him to actually show up at my door with a baseball bat, but it scared me nonetheless.

Anyway, he did end up apologizing for his behavior. So at least now I am feeling a little less shitty. I am just going to be a helluva lot more careful.
 
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And that’s why I recommend no detailed explanation, no discussion, and no further communication (whenever no contact is possible).

This strategy doesn’t prevent people from reacting badly but it can prevent you from seeing their reactions.

This kind of behavior in response to rejection happens *all the time*. And while women can definitely be assholes on the internet, this particular kind of entitled rage almost always comes from men targeting women who reject them. (It’s ok to be sad and angry when rejected. Totally normal. It is never ok to take out those emotions on the person who rejected you (or anyone around you).

By the way, that dropping your real name? Not an accident, he wanted to scare you and make you afraid as payback for rejecting him. Regretting it later in the hopes of still getting into your online pants does not change that he scared you and MEANT to do just that.

You handled this well MsEmotional. You didn’t do anything wrong or mistreat this guy. His actions are all on him and reflect him, not you.

I really hope you have blocked him. He’s shown you who he is. Believe him.
 
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MsEmotional, reactions like this online are common. Every woman I know has experienced times where the moment they rejected a man, even if done so politely, they were immediately insulted, called derogatory names, etc. If you think you might keep pursuing people online, then you unfortunately are going to have to prepare yourself for this. I'm not saying this behavior is ok or acceptable, just that it's an unfortunate reality that you'll end up facing. So remember the advice here that it's not about you, it's the other person projecting their anger, hurt, and insecurity and deciding that making the other person hurt and/or scared makes them feel better.

I would also suggest that you consider what you're looking for and why. Are you currently wanting to date other people? If you're not, then I'm wondering why you continue to chat with people who randomly message you on dating apps or Fetlife. I mean, sure, you might be interested in forming friendships and a social circle. But if you talk to others that use these sites, almost no one is actually using them to make friends. Even the people that say "oh yeah, let's just be friends" are usually still wanting more and just planning to try to gradually get there over time. And while Fet is a community where lots of people do connect with friends, the majority of that is people who made friends in real life and connected on the site later. People very rarely just reach out to someone via a random message and decide "oh hey, let's be friends!" Especially if your profile has almost no info on it. What could they possibly be reading about you to want to be friends? Nothing. People who send those random messages on Fet are NEVER looking for friends. They're looking for an online relationship, or eventually an in person one, or they're scammers, or cam girls, or someone looking to get their rocks off in some way online.

If you are actively looking to date, or have those sorts of interactions, then by all means, keep chatting up people on OKC and Fet. But based on your posts, it sounds like you're not. So I'm just noting that it's worth some self examination. Because it's always tempting to keep flirting with people, or doing things that make us feel wanted, and desired, and sexy. When you're poly it's easy to say "but I'm poly and I have the freedom to enjoy all the things!" while ignoring the reality of whether we're currently polysaturated, or just don't have the time or energy. I've been there myself. It's definitely hard to avoid! So no judgement, just food for thought.
 
I'm sorry the guy responded so poorly when you told him you couldn't continue the connection. Fortunately for you, it sounds like he realized he was out of line and apologized.

That is the risk of talking to people online. Sometimes even if it's just a brief exchange of "Hi, want to talk?" "No thanks," you can get that kind of reaction. When it comes after an ongoing connection, especially one that sounds like it might have created more of a connection than a general conversation would, for some people it's akin to a breakup, and some people don't react well to breakups.

I think it's good that you realized you didn't have the time or emotional bandwidth to continue with him. I hope that as time goes forward, you'll continue being able to recognize that, and that if something like this happens again, you won't get such a vitriolic response.
 
Seriously, I've had guys flip out at me for simply _not responding_, at all, to their messages on OKC. I don't understand why they feel so entitled but nonetheless there it is.
 
The real name thing suddenly "dropped" into convo would definitely have scared me, so I don't blame you for freaking out.

That said... from the way you describe his curt, almost monosyllabic initial response, followed by attempts to "bargain" ("you're not being logical" etc.), then blowing-up and and finally the apology... I think he was blindsided and didn't know how to feel/react at first... then after thinking more about it, became angry at the rejection and temporarily lost it.

KC43 said:
Sometimes even if it's just a brief exchange of "Hi, want to talk?" "No thanks," you can get that kind of reaction. When it comes after an ongoing connection, especially one that sounds like it might have created more of a connection than a general conversation would, for some people it's akin to a breakup, and some people don't react well to breakups.
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I agree that he most likely read more into the brief communication than you'd planned on, MsEmotional, and was therefore hurt and overreacted in a way that was unpleasant and uncalled-for... most likely because he thought you two had been forging a special connection, so your decision to end things must've come right out of the blue. Perhaps he surmised *you* had been playing games or using him for entertainment, and then regretted having let his guard down so quickly. (You'd mentioned that he'd opened up about some pretty personal stuff.) But I don't KNOW his reasons for behaving so poorly... I can only guess.

In any case, after such a reaction, the wisest course is to block him which I'm sure you've done by now. If a person believes you "owe" him your time and exhaustive explanations after only a short while chatting online, who knows what sort of drama an actual relationship would bring.


breathemusic said:
I would also suggest that you consider what you're looking for and why. Are you currently wanting to date other people? If you're not, then I'm wondering why you continue to chat with people who randomly message you on dating apps or Fetlife. I mean, sure, you might be interested in forming friendships and a social circle. But if you talk to others that use these sites, almost no one is actually using them to make friends.

But based on your posts, it sounds like you're not. So I'm just noting that it's worth some self examination. Because it's always tempting to keep flirting with people, or doing things that make us feel wanted, and desired, and sexy. When you're poly it's easy to say "but I'm poly and I have the freedom to enjoy all the things!" while ignoring the reality of whether we're currently polysaturated, or just don't have the time or energy. I've been there myself. It's definitely hard to avoid! So no judgement, just food for thought.
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I was just about to ask the same question. i.e. Why - if you're already poly-saturated with two partners, have a busy career and young children - would you keep up-to-date profiles on dating sites and apps and spend time chatting and flirting with people there?

Because I agree that it's tempting fate somewhat, or gives the wrong impression to others using those sites, that you're available and seeking additional partners. Which would be totally fine IF you wanted to pursue that at this time... however, you've admitted you've extended yourself as far as you can at the moment. Try to figure out what motivates you to remain active in the online dating realm.

Basically, I concur with everything breathemusic said.
 
vinsanity0 said:
Nobody likes to be dumped. It doesn't matter if it's online or in person.
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Very true. It's unpleasant at best.

But I have never called someone a 'fat bitch', 'full of diseases', 'ugly', 'no one wants you anyway' when being dumped. Ever. I've gotten all of those and more just for declining an online invitation. (And only from men. Women have treated me poorly but not in this way.)

Being an asshole because of rejection is never ok.
 
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