Going back to manogomy

[Gemma]

I think most of us understand that is exactly where Gemma's husband's fear is coming from. That, and feeling like he's "less of a man" for not being able to satisfy her completely, sexually. In other words, his feelings on the issue spring from fear of loss, insecurity and jealousy/envy.

However, as Gemma states... his request to END the sex with boyfriend is complicated by the mixed messages her husband has given; specifically his becoming aroused at talk of sexual intimacy shared with boyfriend.

My husband said last night that if he can get over his insecurities and guilt of not being able to please me maybe this could work long term. He told me he’s been fighting himself. On one hand it’s arousing for him he enjoys waiting for me to come home and we’ve had some awesome sex after. Yet, he says sharing me that way is really hard. He admits he hasn’t been very clear with what he wants and sometimes his actions are very much different from his words.

There’s a lot to preoceas moving forward.

 

[Gemma]

His vacillating between asking you to stop with boyfriend, being "okay with it" and flat-out encouraging you to fuck your bf/mutual friend is sending mixed messages, and smacks of sexual fantasy/cuckold fantasy.

As I've learned over the past couple of years, fantasising about a SO getting intimate with another person is ONE thing (many people use fantasies such as this and dirty talk to ramp up the excitement)... actually doing it is another. It seems your husband is caught up in a cycle of wanting to make this a reality, and melting down when fantasy spills over into reality.

He does have cuckold fantasies, I believe he’s ashamed of it. He does send me a lot mixed messages; one day he’ll ask me to stop other days he’s taking pictures of me in my new dress and telling me to send them to my bf. Things like that have my head all over the place of what he wants.

I’m not sure if that would be healthy, maintaing a relationship with my bf while my husband has his cuckold tendencies. Maybe those types of relationships are a thing and actually work? I don’t know.

 

[Tinwen]

My husband said last night that if he can get over his insecurities and guilt of not being able to please me maybe this could work long term. He told me he’s been fighting himself. On one hand it’s arousing for him he enjoys waiting for me to come home and we’ve had some awesome sex after. Yet, he says sharing me that way is really hard. He admits he hasn’t been very clear with what he wants and sometimes his actions are very much different from his words.

He does have cuckold fantasies, I believe he’s ashamed of it. He does send me a lot mixed messages; one day he’ll ask me to stop other days he’s taking pictures of me in my new dress and telling me to send them to my bf. Things like that have my head all over the place of what he wants.

I’m not sure if that would be healthy, maintaing a relationship with my bf while my husband has his cuckold tendencies. Maybe those types of relationships are a thing and actually work? I don’t know.

"Those relationships" are a thing (and I know of exactly one that works), but that doesn't say much about whether or not you and your husband can actually handle one.
It's understandable that he doesn't know if he can "get over his insecurities". Does he want to? That's a big question. If the answer is "yes", maybe you two could agree to stay carefully open for some more time while you support him to do the work. If the answer is "no, not really, I want to be monogamous", then open seems out of question.
To deal with some confusion regarding one's kink is also understandable. Oh the years when I've been in the closet... Peer groups work wonders (not sure what's there for cuckoldry, maybe your local bdsm community has someone, or some fetlife subforum?).
You can also go there. The skills of a domme may come in handy.

As your husband works through his feelings, I suggest to pick any solution which you all can keep up without much strain for 2-3 months straight before reevaluating. If it's "closed and going to therapy" (as your bf has proposed a break), so be it. If it's "go have sex with bf once a month", maybe that's a compromise that will be doable for a while and not allow for the issues to fall under the rug. I recommend that because the line of thinking of 'this is for life' sometimes puts on unnecessary pressure, and because you've admitted to be plain tired from processing. Your husbands task here, if he's so volatile in his feelings, is to explore consciously. Your task is to trust him on the results of his explorations - so that when, at the end of the trial period it's "no more exploration, monogamy or divorce", you can make a decision accordingly, although what you really wanted to hear is "I'm making progress, let's go a bit further".

 

[Magdlyn]

I've been a member of Fetlife.com for many years. Yes, the cuckold lifestyle, and the similar one of "hotwifing" are alive and well in the kink community. When you join Fetlife, you have the option of adding any number of "fetishes" to your profile. You can search the term "cuckold' and find probably thousands of people who are interested in it, or actually doing it.

Part of the "fun" or kinky thrill of being a cuck is the humiliation aspect. Usually a cuckolded male has a small penis, or thinks he has a small penis, or plays with his female partner/wife, that he has a small one. So small, it's inadequate to fuck her properly. Then she gets dressed up sexy, goes to a bar or whatever, and picks up men with larger penises to have sex with. Often these days, she texts her cuck from the hotel room where she's fucking the other guy, aka the Bull. Sending pictures and saying sexy naughty things about what's going on.

When she gets home, the cuck is all aroused from knowing about her having just been with the bull. Then often that couple has sex. Sometimes he will give his wife oral and eat the other male's cum. If a condom was used, she tells him how the date went, and lets him have sex with her, or denies him the privilege, depending on their dynamic and the degree of humiliation they want to create, for their mutual pleasure.

Sometimes the husband will actually be present while the wife is fucked. Sometimes, if he's quite bi, he will join in the sex orally. Sometimes he is allowed to masturbate while watching.

As three adults, this V or triad just needs to figure out if the humiliation the husband has is actually pleasurable to him, and can be worked with to everyone's advantage. It's kind of nice the wife is having this sex with the husband's good friend. It sounds like they are quite close and share hobbies and like to hang out together. So there is a good deal of trust between the 2 men.

There is some fear of loss on the husband's part, causing jealousy. It seems to come and go. But Gemma is adamant, as most truly polyamorous people are, that she does not love her h less from having sex with, and loving, their good friend. It is to be hoped the husband comes to believe that he is safe and secure, over time and with lots of loving reassurance from both, and good sex with his wife.

 

[Tinwen]

Part of the "fun" or kinky thrill of being a cuck is the humiliation aspect. Usually a cuckolded male has a small penis, or thinks he has a small penis, or plays with his female partner/wife, that he has a small one. ...

OMG not my kink.
Just don't think you have to recreate all the details to be "part of the club", ok?

 

[Magdlyn]

OMG not my kink.
Just don't think you have to recreate all the details to be "part of the club", ok?

Your kink is not my kink, and that's OK. I have other kinks... I'm not into cuckoldry or hotwifing. And you probably don't care for my other kinks either, Tinwen!

I was just explaining how Gemma's husband's confusion (arousal, humiliation, fear, arousal, on and on...) might be unfolding.

 

[Tinwen]

Your kink is not my kink, and that's OK. I have other kinks... I'm not into cuckoldry or hotwifing. And you probably don't care for my other kinks either, Tinwen!

I was just explaining how Gemma's husband's confusion (arousal, humiliation, fear, arousal, on and on...) might be unfolding.

Sure, I have no problem with you or your post Mags. I just had an emotional reaction and thought reading all of it might be kind of scary to someone who is in the beginning of exploration too. So I was kinda like (to take a different kink) "ok, some people recreate medieval torture chambers and let themselves be whipped to a point of having bloody welts, but if you just prefer getting a few smacks on your butt (while you maybe fantasize of a torture chamber but never actually want to be in one) you can call yourself a spanker too, that's fine." I apologize for not expressing myself well.

 

[vinsanity0]

One thing missing from this thread is the suggestion that the husband get some therapy on his own. It seems like he has some issues he may not be comfortable sorting out with his wife present.

 

[lunabunny]

His vacillating between asking you to stop with boyfriend, being "okay with it" and flat-out encouraging you to fuck your bf/mutual friend is sending mixed messages, and smacks of sexual fantasy/cuckold fantasy.

He told me he’s been fighting himself. On one hand it’s arousing for him he enjoys waiting for me to come home and we’ve had some awesome sex after. Yet, he says sharing me that way is really hard.

He does have cuckold fantasies, I believe he’s ashamed of it. He does send me a lot mixed messages

Maybe those types of relationships are a thing and actually work?

this V or triad just needs to figure out if the humiliation the husband has is actually pleasurable to him, and can be worked with to everyone's advantage.

There is some fear of loss on the husband's part, causing jealousy. It seems to come and go.

I was just explaining how Gemma's husband's confusion (arousal, humiliation, fear, arousal, on and on...) might be unfolding.

It most certainly IS a "thing", Gemma, and I think Magdlyn did a pretty good job of explaining the various levels and motivations of cuckoldry.

Yes, if it's something your husband isn't completely comfortable with (possibly for various reasons) and he has only begun to explore this aspect of his sexuality (even just mentally), it'd explain why he's so ambivalent and has been sending you mixed messages.

He may be ashamed of his own desires.

- Maybe he considers his desires perverted, dirty or embarrassing.

- Perhaps he thinks fantasising about you being sexual with another man, or actually watching/participating might mean he's secretly "gay".

- Perhaps he might be bisexual and has feelings for his friend of which he's ashamed or can't admit (even to himself)... and his jealousy is just as much about this aspect as it is about the fact that his wife is sleeping with another guy.

You will not find out unless you go deeper into the subject with him.

I believe Vinsanity is right, and your husband could do with some counselling to address several issues he seems to have regarding his own worth as an individual, his capabilities as a sexual partner, as well as his partially-repressed desire to branch out into kink/fetishes that he may perceive as abnormal.

 

[sexyserb]

[QUOTE=vinsanity0;399964]One thing missing from this thread is the suggestion that the husband get some therapy on his own. It seems like he has some issues he may not be comfortable sorting out with his wife present.[/QUOTE]



Vinsanity is EXACTLY right Gemma. You say you might see a sex therapist. He needs to have a safe space to tell someone what he really feels without worrying about your response. He can sign a form to let you attend or have a joint meeting after that.

And as long as folks are talking about cuckoldry, I'm going to chiop in because a good part of my little escapades were with a girlfriend and her insatiable cuckold husband.
You might want to go to a site called Our Hot Wives.org and read the posts from MEN who are both already heavily involved and those thinking about asking their wives to do it. You will find tons of them that tell you that what is going on in your relationship is exactly the opposite of what the overwhelming percentage of men want.

Those that fear starting it are all for their wives fucking men and sharing it. Notice I said MEN . The biggest fear is that their wives will become emotionally involved with ONE man and the hotwifing will stop and there goes their fantasy and possible their wife.
Then you might want to read all the ones where it actually ruined the marriage because exactly that did happen.
If your husband is truly a cuckold he would be encouraging you to go out and find more men where he would not be threatened. I strongly suggest you yourself do the research.

Personally, I believe your husband is using this as a coping mechanism trying to talk himself into accepting what you want out of his fear and insecurity. The fact that he gets aroused ??So what. A lot of men get aroused by all sorts of porn. That does not mean they are any label.

The bottom line is he is so hurt and confused that having you sitting there trying to explain it when he is bending over backwards trying to please you is probably not the way to really get him to open up.

Vinsanity's post will probably do wonders helping to get to the bottom of this.

 

[newtoday]

Not always

Something to consider... Every single person I know who has ended a relationship with someone they loved because another person they loved demanded it has ended up leaving the one who demanded the original break up. So, if you leave your bf because of your husband then nothing changes, what's going to keep your resentment from building up to the point that your marriage explodes anyway?

That's how it usually is, but not always. I'm a testament to that. Illness and disability changes things. My poly ex-boyfriend of almost 5 years ultimately ended our relationship due to the struggles of his also poly partner who after MANY years of BOTH being actively open and loving other partners decided I was a threat, which I was not. I understood the rules of engagement but she's also chronically ill and with that illness comes fear and insecurity and a need to feel safe and secure.

In consideration of her, not wanting to inflict on her further pain than what her debilitating illness was already causing her, he ended our relationship which crushed us both.

I don't know how healthy their relationship is now as we only talk occasionally still with pangs of love, affection, hurt and loss several years later, and we never speak of her but I know he did what he felt was right for her and I respect that. Him leaving her was never an option, for either of us.

Love isn't always about orgasms and sex, albeit very important to many , including myself, but rather doing what you feel is the greater good for the relationship you envision in your future.

As a former Secondary, I feel for the boyfriend, I really do and I hate that he would have to be discarded due to the insecurity of the husband as I've felt like the disposed playtoy and that really does suck. I felt all of those horrible emotions and hurt in ways I never dreamed possible but relationships end all the time. Not everyone who has a place in your life now has a place in your life in the future.

As parents, as partners, as employees, as friends, as siblings, etc, we make choices, some aren't easy but all we can do is try our best and ensure that our priorities remain priority.

Good Luck!

 

[Gemma]

My husband and I had a very positive first counseling session last Saturday so we’ll see how this weeks go. My husband agreed he knows he contracticts himself and is a bit of a devils advocate. We are working on figuring out what he wants in all of this.

My bf and I are still on a sexual break but still see each other once a week.

 

[Gemma]

Love isn't always about orgasms and sex, albeit very important to many , including myself, but rather doing what you feel is the greater good for the relationship you envision in your future.

As a former Secondary, I feel for the boyfriend, I really do and I hate that he would have to be discarded due to the insecurity of the husband as I've felt like the disposed playtoy and that really does suck.
Good Luck!

Thank you for sharing your experience with me!

I agree love isn’t always about orgasms and sex. It is important to me obviously because that’s what made me seek out an open relationship. However, I have a great deal of love and respect for my boyfriend. The thought of me not being in his life anymore makes me hurt for him and me. My boyfriend suffers from depression and has Aspergers and I know he cherishes our relationship as do I.

Thankfully my husband doesn’t want to toss a 16 year friendship away. We are all going to work on this.