Hoping to learn more about polyamory

Wondering

Wondering

New member
Hello all. I am a married 30-year old woman. My husband and I are new to polyamory. We both are looking for the same thing. But lately, with his new girlfriend, things seem to have taken a strange turn.

I don't know if I am being silly, and need to learn more about polyamory, or if she just isn't what's needed in our life. I'm hoping to learn a few things and meet new people who can help me understand other things.
 
Okay, I guess I forgot to say. Sorry.

My husband has a girlfriend, but it's a long distance relationship. She makes him smile and so happy and I am happy for him. I love seeing him so happy.

At the beginning of the relationship, they talked non-stop, but that is normal. I would fall asleep next to him in bed while he talked to her on the phone. But somewhere something went wrong. I was being cut out of things. He would start leaving the room to talk to her. It felt like she wanted to forget I was there. I let it go, being I thought it was just them wanting to get to more about each other. Well, they decided they wanted to meet, and wanted it to be the weekend of his birthday. But the week before, I got upset and called off the meeting, because she met some guy and ended up having sex with him the same night. I was scared about the thought of her just having casual sex.

She and I don't talk because she doesn't want to get to know me. She wants to keep the two relationships separate. That isn't what he nor I want. It's not that we are looking for threeway sex. We just want to be able to be comfortable with each other.

Anyway, the meeting happened. He came home very happy. Now he misses her like crazy, but she not so much with him. She is wanting to go back to having less of a commitment, and really wants to keep having casual sex with whoever she wants. I am scared of that. I'm scared of catching something. I don't know if I am being selfish and controlling by saying this can't happen. Do I need to keep my mouth shut and let her live her life the way she wants, and let him and her have their thing?
 
Welll... as long as they use condoms, would you be ok with it then?

If it's because you're worried about "catching something", then using condoms would be the answer (I realize that condoms are not 100% guaranteed but still that's usually the caveat when it comes to casual sex).

Or is it about more than just being "scared of catching something"?

There is nothing wrong with being "selfish" because you don't want to catch a STD, but it sounds to me like there is more to it than that. I read between the lines and something tells me that you are afraid of something else but feel that the "scared of catching something" is a "safe" reason to put first so you won't have to confront whatever else is bothering you.
 
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I am terrified of catching something I can't get rid of. I have never had casual sex. It scares me. So for someone who is sleeping with husband to do it really scares me. He trust that she is using condoms because he "knows her and she doesn't lie." But she refuses to talk to me, so I don't know her and am very unsure of trusting that she is being careful.
 
Yes, I know what they are and how they work. What I don't know is if she is telling the truth. I feel like I am freaking out over nothing, but very unsure.
 
Wondering said:
Yes i know what they are and how they work. What i don't know is if she is telling the truth. I feel like i am freaking out over nothing but very unsure.
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:eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:

Why would you need to know if SHE is telling the truth???

HE is the one who should be using a condom!!!!!
 
They did use condoms, but the problem is they break. And if she isn't using them with all the other guys, then we are in trouble. See what I'm saying? Even though he is using them doesn't mean she shouldn't with her other partners.
 
Wondering said:
They did use condoms but the problem is they break and if she isn't using them with all the other guys then we are in trouble. See what i am saying. Even though he is using them doesn't mean she shouldn't with her other partners.
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You got that right sister.

I would be "afraid of catching something" if I were in your place.

Maybe you should use condoms with your husband from now on.
 
If you are afraid of catching something, then you should do what you need to do to protect yourself. I have met my partner's other friend, and I get on very well with her, so we can all talk on an intimate level. We all have agreed to get STD checks every three months, even though there is only the three of us. Far better to be safe than sorry.
 
She did get checked before they met. I saw the results from her doctor. She didn't want us to be tested, but we would have. Hubby has decided to go ahead and get tested. We are waiting on those results. All of her results were negative, so that is a bit of a relief.
 
It sounds to me like you just don't trust her. She's not wanting to get to know you at all, plus there is an apparent desire for secrecy on their part, plus her current desire is to relegate relations with him to that of casual sex only. I can't say as I find anything wrong with being suspicious of her.

As for the last, is your husband interested in just an open marriage instead of polyamory? If he's up for the casual sex instead of a romance, then it's a case of whether you're up for an open relationship in that fashion. Based on what you've said here, I suspect not.

Or is she wanting a romance with him that is open so she can have casual sex with others? That situation will require a bit more negotiation, I think.
 
A couple of points are really standing out to me, from what you've written:
Wondering said:
Somewhere something went wrong. I was being cut out of things. He would start leaving the room to talk to her. It felt like she wanted to forget I was there.

She and I don't talk. She doesn't want to get to know me. She wants to keep the two relationships separate. That isn't what he nor I want.
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What you describe is not polyamory, at least not where your husband's gf is concerned. Polyamory is the concept of being engaged in multiple and simultaneous loving relationships, based on respect and concern for everyone involved. Your husband's girlfriend is not behaving in a way that shows respect and concern for you. You may have a cowgirl trying to cull the stallion from your herd. You are dead-on right to worry about her. Watch your back, girl!
 
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