Am I thinking realistically?

Wondering

Wondering

New member
My husband and I are getting into some trouble. One of the biggest is the woman my husband is dating doesn't want to get to know me or be friends. Is it unrealistic of me to want to get to know her, or is that me being too controlling?
 
I would have a hard time entering into a poly relationship without knowing the other partners. However, it does work for some people. You need to decide if it works for you.
 
This is the woman who you don't trust to use condoms, so I can see why you are skeptical about her in general. Usually, just the fact that she doesn't want to be friends is not a red flag in and of itself, but I sense from the tone of your other posts that you have a bad gut feeling about this. I don't know you, your husband, or his girlfriend, but it sounds like you want to do what's right, and you have some reasons why you don't trust her. Not wanting to at least meet you, and you wondering about it, tells me that there is more to this than what is visible on the surface.
 
I definitely wouldn't be fine with not getting to know my husband's or boyfriend's girlfriends, or if they didn't know each other, or didn't get along.
While it can work for some people, I certainly don't think you're being unreasonable.
 
Is this an ongoing thing or is she new to this? I've heard this as an initial reaction when being introduced to polyamory, and it changing with a little encouragement. For me, personally, it would be a deal breaker. I don't live half lives or double lives. It's all inclusive.
 
Ilove2men said:
Is this an ongoing thing or is she new to this? I've heard this as an initial reaction when being introduced to polyamory, and it changing with a little encouragement. For me, personally, it would be a dealbreaker. I don't live half lives or double lives. It's all inclusive.
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She has been with married men before, but in secret. Their wives have known nothing about her. In fact, one of the men she is seeing is married, but his wife doesn't know. She is new to the wife-knowing aspect of it, but still doesn't see the point, or believe that we need to be friends, or even know each other. I don't know if I should just step back and see how things play out, or stand my ground.
 
NeonKaos said:
This is the woman who you don't trust to use condoms, so I can see why you are skeptical about her in general. Usually, just the fact that she doesn't want to be friends is not a red flag in and of itself, but I sense from the tone of your other posts that you have a bad gut feeling about this. It sounds like you want to do what's right and you have some reason(s) why you don't trust her. Not wanting to at least meet you, and you wondering about it, tells me that there is more to this than what is visible on the surface.
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Yes, it's the very same woman. I do have a bad gut feeling, but he loves her so much I can't stand to see him hurt by not being with her. I feel he would resent me if he broke up with her because of me, and I don't want that.
 
I'm a little curious if your husband isn't seriously concerned about this woman's chronic dishonesty in relationships. She seems drawn to cheating. Does he not think she is and/or will be keeping him in the dark about other things? How does one truly love someone who is so comfortable with lying? How do you ever trust them enough to reach true depth? Once again we see the blinding effects of NRE.
 
Wondering said:
She has been with married men before, but in secret. Their wives have known nothing about her... One of the men she is seeing is married, but his wife doesn't know. She is new to the wife knowing aspect of it, doesn't see the point, or believe that we need to be friends, or even know each other. I don't know if I should just step back and see how things play out, or stand my ground.
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Ick... I say go with your gut.

It depends on what your polyamory is. Are you okay with your husband having a double life that excludes you, with a woman who is a repeated mistress? Does he really want a double life? It works for some, minus the mistress part.
 
I don't know about your history, but I would definitely suggest taking every precaution to make yourself sexually safe while this woman is in his/your life.
 
MonoVCPHG said:
I'm a little curious if your husband isn't seriously concerned about this woman's chronic dishonesty in relationships.
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Yeah, that's a puzzler. Why is he choosing to be involved with someone who isn't interested enough in his life to even meet his wife, and who seems to have a preference for dishonest relationships?
 
Ilove2men said:
Are you okay with your husband having a double life that excludes you?
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Neither he nor I want to lead double lives, but he is hoping she will come around. I really don't think she will, though. But in the end, I do have to do what is going to make me happy and safe.
 
jkelly said:
Why is he choosing to be involved with someone who isn't interested enough in his life to even meet his wife, and who seems to have a preference for dishonest relationships?
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Well, he doesn't see it as being dishonest. He is blaming the guys from her past as the ones lying and cheating. I am trying to get him to see that she is doing it, as well... not having much luck, though.
 
MonoVCPHG said:
I would definitely suggest taking every precaution to make yourself sexually safe with this woman in his/your life.
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Second time I've heard that today. I told him at dinner tonight that I am seriously thinking about going back to using protection with him every time. I am that scared or paranoid, or however you want to see it.
 
Mono shoots. Mono scores.

Bitch would have to hit the curb. We're a team. Take your whorin' ways elsewhere. We're trying to build real relationships. And please please please be safe. Skankosaurus could be contagious.
 
Personally, I don't need my partners or partners' partners to be best friends. It would be lovely, don't get me wrong, but I think that expectation is unrealistic. Having said that, I need people to be able to meet and be civil to each other. If they can't manage that, that is a dealbreaker for me. I wouldn't be happy in a situation where my partner's partner did not want to meet me or get to know me.

It sounds like you have a really bad vibe off this woman, and part of me is wondering why your partner isn't listening to your concerns. The information you have given so far about this woman suggests you don't trust her to be respectful of your relationship. That would raise alarm bells for me. I hope the situation gets resolved.
 
Hartless said:
Personally, I don't need my partners or partners' partners to be best friends. It would be lovely, don't get me wrong, but I think that expectation is unrealistic. Having said that, I need people to be able to meet and be civil to each other. If they can't manage that, that is a dealbreaker for me. I wouldn't be happy in a situation where my partner's partner did not want to meet me or get to know me.

It sounds like you have a really bad vibe off this woman, and part of me is wondering why your partner isn't listening to your concerns. The information you have given so far about this woman suggests you don't trust her to be respectful of your relationship, and that would raise alarm bells for me.
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I agree. I don't want to be her best friend, but I would like to get to know her some. I didn't get a bad vibe from her right away. This has been a slow-building thing. At the beginning, he and I had sex while he was having phone sex with her. I know, strange, but they were in a long-distance relationship and to be honest, it was really hot. We did that twice, and when he asked if she would like to do it again, she said no, which was cool. But that is when he started to shut off, and things with her become more secret.
 
Secret or seperate?

I know my partners wouldn't dream of getting involved with each other. I have two totally seperate relationships in that respect. But they do have a building friendship and I do talk to each about the other in general conversation.

I think you need to figure out exactly what is bothering you about this woman and her relationship with your partner, and discuss it with them openly, if it feels appropriate. That's my advice, anyway.
 
I am talking to him about it. But I am not sure he is hearing me. She and I don't talk, so I can't talk to her. :( I'm just trying to make sure I am not expecting too much, and what I want is realistic. Because if I am, then I need to look into myself and figure some things out.
 
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