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ChasteVivian

New member
Hello everyone,
I'm new here and new to a poly relationship. I recently got involved in a poly relationship with my best friend who is in an open/poly marriage. We went from best friends to something more when one day I asked her to hold the keys to my chastity device. She accepted and seems to really enjoy having "her penis" locked up. Both of us are normally pretty submissive although in this relationship we are both learning how to top. I'm not exactly sure on the terminology but I believe I'd be what's called a "service top". 90% of the time when i top her, I remain locked which can be confusing and a turn-on all at the same time. Sometimes I present male but usually I'm gender-neutral or identify as female and am dressed accordingly. (I'm gender fluid). I don't have a lot of experience topping as i'm accustomed to being the sub so the have quite a few discussions inside and outside the bedroom as to our likes and dislikes and so on. She's pretty well informed as to what she likes and what her limits are while i am mostly uncertain as to what i do and don't like but I am willing to push my limits as to what I am willing to try. I frequently find myself asking her "could you try this with me?" or "Can you keep me locked up longer?" ...all sorts of stuff because this is all new to me and id like to try new things and push my limits. This is the first time i've ever been in a non-monogamous relationship and I find myself confused as to where i stand in the triad of partners she has going on. There is her husband (who i am good friends with), me and a play partner/friend that she met online and meets with regularly. She has said she is basically a relationship anarchist which i don't think i'm quite wired to understand because I seem to be assigning a hierarchy to our three relationships. It's something i feel i need to not only know where i stand but to provide emotional and mental stability in our relationship. I find myself hoping for a husband, me, friend/play partner hierarchy but i think the reality is she doesn't assign value to her partners like i seem to do. I frequently find myself confused as to where i stand in our relationship. I expect her husband to come first and am glad that they have a healthy sexual relationship. On the other hand i feel hurt and somewhat jealous when she spends time with her play partner/friend. I think it's a mix of me having never met him and my own insecurity about not being able to meet her needs sexually/emotionally. I really want to learn how to be a better top/partner for her and to help her gain more confidence in being a dominant partner in our relationship. I certainly don't want my negative emotions getting in the way of our relationship, although i don't know how to define it. Are we best friends who play together, FWB, boyfriend/girlfriend? I'm not sure where we fall in those categories and she seems to be able to be herself without having to define or label things in our relationship whereas i need the structure and security that those descriptions provide. I never want to loose her as my best friend, and if that means our playtime has to stop then so be it. I value her friendship too much to allow that to happen. This is a whole new confusing world for me and any advice people here can offer would be truly appreciated. I'd really like to be able to be a better partner for her and make her happy.

Thank you,
Vivian
 
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Greetings Vivian,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you are experiencing some insecurity, maybe even a little jealousy with respect to your partner's play-partner friend. I can offer a few links that might help ...

You need to explore your thoughts and feelings with respect to this play-partner friend ... What kinds of thoughts go through your mind when your partner is with that friend? What kinds of feelings go through your heart? Is there something you're afraid of? What's the worst thing that could happen? With some exploration of these thoughts and feelings, I may be able to help you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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Welcome aboard!
 
First off, congrats on the first part. Finding a partner one can be comfortable enough with to be able to discuss wants and needs at that level is very special.

I don't pretend to understand RA. I do sort of fit the description as I am not hierarchical and I despise labels. Maybe, instead if pressuring her to slap a label on it, try looking at the bigger picture. Are your needs being met (other than wanting a label)? Are you happy with the way things are going? Does she make you feel secure? Is she giving you a reason to doubt your relationship?
 
kdt26417 said:
Greetings Vivian,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like you are experiencing some insecurity, maybe even a little jealousy with respect to your partner's play-partner friend. I can offer a few links that might help ...

You need to explore your thoughts and feelings with respect to this play-partner friend ... What kinds of thoughts go through your mind when your partner is with that friend? What kinds of feelings go through your heart? Is there something you're afraid of? What's the worst thing that could happen? With some exploration of these thoughts and feelings, I may be able to help you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"
Click to expand...

I'm definitely experiencing insecurity and jealously between her and her play partner. I "think" because 1.It makes me feel like I can't meet her needs and therefore inadequate, I simply don't have the topping experience that she needs to get into subspace and on the other side i feel like i'm topping from the bottom when she's in control because she's used to being submissive although she is learning and becoming more independent and controlling 2. I don't know him at all, i've never met him before. I "think" I'd like to just to get to know him a bit and i guess make sure he's a nice guy. However i'm not experiencing these feelings between her and her husband. The three of us are great friends and hang out collectively and independently and have a wonderful time together.
When she is with her play partner i feel inadequate, left out, lonely and resentful(not just at him but at myself as well because i can't meet her needs, if i could why would she look elsewhere? I really want her to have a good time with him and have her needs met but my heart literally hurt's when i know she's with him despite her coming home happy as a clam. It makes me feel like a jealous, insecure piece of crap because although i want her to be happy, i want her to be happy with her husband and i. I've never been in a non-monogamous relationship before and i'm having all of these conflicting feelings that i dont know how to deal with and i end up hurting her because i can't deal with/figure out my emotions and i'll make a mean or snarky comment because i dont know what else to do or say. I don't want to be a spiteful, jealous person. I want her to be happy and content with her relationships and have ALL of her needs met, it's just the emotional side of me doesn't seem to be able to let that happen.
I'm afraid that he's better and more important to me because i don't have the experience he does. He's strictly dominant from what i understand and when she and i are together it's like two subs trying to top each other. we're learning but it can be awkward. And i'm afraid she won't want/need me anymore because he's so much better than me at this.
I think the worst thing that could happen is that all of this could fail miserably and destroy our friendship in the process.
 
vinsanity0 said:
First off, congrats on the first part. Finding a partner one can be comfortable enough with to be able to discuss wants and needs at that level is very special.

I don't pretend to understand RA. I do sort of fit the description as I am not hierarchical and I despise labels. Maybe, instead if pressuring her to slap a label on it, try looking at the bigger picture. Are your needs being met (other than wanting a label)? Are you happy with the way things are going? Does she make you feel secure? Is she giving you a reason to doubt your relationship?
Click to expand...

I am very lucky in a number of ways with her. She knows everything about me and still cares about me and loves me for who I am. Not too many people where i live would accept a kinky gender fluid male as their best friend. I feel blessed to have her in my life, even if we revert back to just best friends.

If i look at the bigger picture, i feel like we need more communication about our feelings towards on another, we seem to have open and frank discussions about our likes/dislikes but at least to me conversation about our emotions is lacking. This comes easy to her, it's who she is and has been doing it for decades. I've only been doing this a couple of weeks and my emotions and feelings are all over the place. I guess a short answer to your question then would be, no my needs are not being met. I really enjoy our play time but when its over it feels like a switch has been flipped and we go back to friend mode and that is very confusing to me. I want to cuddle on the couch together, hold hands in public. In short i want our relationship to grow and blossom but i feel like i need her to hold my hand and guide me through this process.

I wouldn't say she's giving me a reason to doubt our relationship, she's just doing what comes natural to her. It's me that instills the seeds of doubt into my own head.
 
Hi Vivian,

I am hearing you say that you are afraid that her play partner will do a better job than you of fulfilling her D/s needs. Am I understanding that right? and maybe you are afraid that she will stop turning to you for her D/s needs, and maybe she won't need you at all anymore? Is that an accurate description of what scares you?

Also, from what you said to vinsanity, it sounds like you need her to guide you into poly. Is that right? and in order to do that, you need her to talk with you about your feelings? and maybe you need her to take the initiative? If so, maybe you can say that to her. Are you afraid that she might say no?

Just checking to make sure I'm understanding you correctly.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi Vivian,

I am hearing you say that you are afraid that her play partner will do a better job than you of fulfilling her D/s needs. Am I understanding that right? and maybe you are afraid that she will stop turning to you for her D/s needs, and maybe she won't need you at all anymore? Is that an accurate description of what scares you?

Also, from what you said to vinsanity, it sounds like you need her to guide you into poly. Is that right? and in order to do that, you need her to talk with you about your feelings? and maybe you need her to take the initiative? If so, maybe you can say that to her. Are you afraid that she might say no?

Just checking to make sure I'm understanding you correctly.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...

Kevin,
Yes, I believe that is what my fear is rooted in. That he's better than me at the D/s end of things and she will loose interest and will either drift apart or the relationship will end.

As far as to what i said to Vinsanity, I definitely need to have some hand holding and guidance here. I tend to get VERY emotionally involved and I need to learn how to balance that. And i need help from her to let me know how/where i fit in to all of this. I never thought in a million years I would be involved in a poly relationship, by nature i'm very monogamous which makes all of these emotions, feelings and terms confusing to me and i need help to be guided through all of this.
 
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Well if you think about it, having a real fear that you are going to lose a relationship is a valid reason to feel upset. Even to feel jealous. She is not investing herself in her D/s relationship with you. Instead she is going elsewhere to get her D/s needs met. She is not giving you a chance to get better at Domming. Even as you try to improve, she is turning to someone with much more experience. So you have to wonder, are you going to lose this relationship with her? No wonder you are upset.

Add to that the fact that she is withholding her guidance, she is not letting you know where you stand in this relationship. I know you want to blame yourself for your upset feelings, but you have to hold her accountable for her part in this. You are already doing your part in that you are turning to this forum for feedback and advice. Doing so will help you build some independence and confidence. Meanwhile, what is she doing to help the situation on her end? Is she willing to have a talk about your feelings?

I apologize if I seem to be ragging on her. I'm sure she is a good person and does not realize how much you are suffering.
 
kdt26417 said:
Well if you think about it, having a real fear that you are going to lose a relationship is a valid reason to feel upset. Even to feel jealous. She is not investing herself in her D/s relationship with you. Instead she is going elsewhere to get her D/s needs met. She is not giving you a chance to get better at Domming. Even as you try to improve, she is turning to someone with much more experience. So you have to wonder, are you going to lose this relationship with her? No wonder you are upset.

Add to that the fact that she is withholding her guidance, she is not letting you know where you stand in this relationship. I know you want to blame yourself for your upset feelings, but you have to hold her accountable for her part in this. You are already doing your part in that you are turning to this forum for feedback and advice. Doing so will help you build some independence and confidence. Meanwhile, what is she doing to help the situation on her end? Is she willing to have a talk about your feelings?

I apologize if I seem to be ragging on her. I'm sure she is a good person and does not realize how much you are suffering.
Click to expand...

Your replies and links gave me the courage to broach the subject of my fears, insecurities and confusion with her a little while ago. She leans towards RA, while i need to know where i fit in and how things work. She explained that there is plenty of time for everyone and that I do fulfill a need of hers. She agreed to be more communicative and reassuring and to address my insecurities and I agreed to work on my jealousy issue and be more open with her. i DO want to see her happy, and both of us want to learn how to assume both roles in a D/s relationship in a healthy manner so we both have our needs met when we play. It turns out we were both suppressing some intense emotional feelings for one another out of fear of being hurt. And on a huge upside after communicating our feelings about each other, we are now officially boyfriend/girlfriend! :D Two subs learning how to top, this is going to be a wild ride!
 
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