Gf won't have sex with me, but will with her new bf

[hudsonmark]

My open relationship with this girl is one of the best things that's happened in my life. However, a year into our relationship she decided she wouldn't have sex with me, saying that it felt "unnatural" for her. Her mind was okay with it, but her body didn't feel the connection. Last month, she admitted that she had a new bf, and had sex with him because it felt "natural" for her to do it with him.

Although we still kiss, cuddle and even sleep regularly together, we do not have sex. I still enjoy being with her and wouldn't consider giving up our relationship. I do have sexual encounters with other women, but it was nothing romantic. I really miss having sex with her and I don't really understand what's exactly natural and unnatural for her. My sex with her is the BEST and the most fun I have experienced among all the partners I've had.

What is it that I'm not getting here? Help!!

 

[Ariakas]

My open relationship with this girl is one of the best things that happened in my life. However, a year into our relationship she decided she won't have sex with me, saying that it felt "unnatural" for her. Her mind is okay with it, but her body doesn't feel the connection. Last month, she admitted that she had a new bf and had sex with him because it felt "natural" for her to do it with him.

She admitted to having a bf? Was she cheating?

Although we still kiss, cuddle and even sleep regularly together, we do not have sex. I still enjoy being with her and wouldn't consider giving up our relationship. I do have sexual encounters with other women, but nothing romantic. I really miss having sex with her. I don't really understand what's exactly natural and unnatural for her. My sex with her is the BEST and the most fun I have experienced among all the partners I've had. What is it that I'm not getting here? Help!!

I'm not sure. That sounds really strange to me. Have you really tried to dig deep into the reasons for her lack of sexual interest in you, beyond the basic "It feels weird"?

 

[hudsonmark]

Admitted meaning she has also a romantic relationship with this man. The fact that she didn't tell me sooner or before she entertained this other relationship can be considered cheating. But it's not what's bothering me.

I don't know but could we be sexually incompatible? That's all she would tell me- our sex didn't feel natural for her.

 

[Ariakas]

Admitted meaning she has also a romantic relationship with this man. The fact that she didn't tell me sooner or before she entertained this other relationship can be considered cheating. But it's not what's bothering me.

I don't know but could we be sexually incompatible? That's all she would tell me- our sex didn't feel natural for her.

It would be hard to say. Why exactly is she uninterested in you sexually? What just stopped? It sounds very strange. All we can do is guess about what is happening. You need to dive into this with her.

My ex-wife and I stopped having sex. It had become boring and she wasn't interested in playing. The second we broke up and changed the relationship itself, she started wanting sex with me again. So much of sex, especially for women, is tied to their emotional state that it becomes a real challenge to work through it.

Hell, maybe it is something as easy as she feels a strong platonic bond with you and has a hard time crossing over intimate friend with lover.

 

[hudsonmark]

So much of sex, especially for women, is tied to their emotional state that it becomes a real challenge to work through it.

Hell, maybe it is something as easy as she feels a strong platonic bond with you and has a hard time crossing over intimate friend with lover...

Interesting point there, Ariakas. We do share a lot of stuff together intellectually. Before we became a couple, we were best friends. Thanks.

 

[SourGirl]

I have someone I love as a friend. We've been best buddies since we were 14. We cuddle. We enjoy each other's company. He even lived with us. We have no sexual history. I have never felt sexual toward him. I could not bring myself to have sex with him. I think he is probably the opposite. He would be ready, willing, and able.

I do however want to have sex with my boyfriend, and I enjoy an active sex life with my husband.

Could it be that she loves you as a friend? If so, then you need to ask yourself if you are okay with you feeling romantic love for her, while she feels a platonic love for you.

 

[redpepper]

I would suggest asking her what "natural" means to her. Perhaps she could use a different word that might shed more light on the situation. Maybe your idea of "natural" and hers are different.

I agree that men and women see sex differently sometimes. Men have sex with women to show and feel their love, whereas women have sex with men when they have shown their love and felt it beforehand. At least, this is what I've noticed.

I have 4 partners. My bf Mono approaches me for sex because he loves me and wants to show me that. So does my husband PN. I love them and have sex with them because of that love, not to express that love. However, I have sex with my gf Derby because of our love and appreciation for each other, not because we have to show each other.

I would suggest, like others have, that she is not into you that way. She has no reason to change anything because she likes what you have, but doesn't want to jeopardize her strong friend-like loving feelings by having sex.

I have a non-sexual boyfriend, Leo, that I am this way with. I don't see anything wrong with it, because we understand each other and what the relationship is. It works because we both agree.

What I see here is you not agreeing. So, the question is, what will you do about it? Will you just carry on, ask for more, or break it off? That is up to you (and her).

 

[jkelly]

However, a year into our relationship she decided she won't have sex with me, saying that it felt "unnatural" for her. Her mind is ok with it, but her body doesn't feel the connection. Last month she admitted that she had a new bf and had sex with him.

Has she ever in the past maintained two healthy sexual relationships at the same time?

If not, she may be having trouble moving from serial monogamy into polyamory. It may feel "unnatural." If that's the case, you might find that talking to her about the way you feel about each other and how she feels about her other relationship helps. Making friends in the polyamory community where you are might help make things seem more "natural," as well.

If she has been successfully polyamorous in the past, it does sound like her feelings for you have simply changed, and you're going to need to decide what to do about the new, non-sexual relationship you now have.

 

[idealist]

Has she ever in the past maintained two healthy sexual relationships at the same time?

If not, she may be having trouble moving from serial monogamy into polyamory. It may feel "unnatural." If that's the case, you might find that talking to her about the way you feel about each other and how she feels about her other relationship helps. Making friends in the poly community where you are might help make things seem more "natural" as well.

If she has been successfully poly in the past, it does sound like her feelings for you have simply changed, and you're going to need to decide what to do about the new, non-sexual relationship you now have.

I agree with jkelly. Very well said.

 

[tia4]

im in the same boat

She admitted to having a bf? Was she cheating?


I'm not sure. That sounds really strange to me. Have you really tried to dig deep into the reasons for her lack of sexual interest in you, beyond the basic "it feels weird"?

My husband did the same to me. He even told me to look elsewhere for sex. He feels he is cheating on her, so I'm the one going without sex or even cuddles.

 

[redpepper]

My husband did the same to me. He even told me to look elsewhere for sex. He feels he's cheating on her. So I'm the one going without sex or even cuddles.

Hi, Tia. I moved your thread from "Intros" to "New to Poly" so as to not hijack this thread. It seems that it might fit better that way and elicit responses beyond just "Hi, welcome to the forum," which is what the Intro section is for. It seems you need some feedback.

Sorry for the hijack, Hudsonmark. On with the discussion at hand.