Breakdown of hinges V

[ElMango]

BACKSTORY sorry it's long!

B was the hinge in a V between me and J. For various reasons, I did not trust J. When he asked my opinion, I was honest and told him that while I have not talked to her enough myself to have a very informed opinion; from all he has told me I did not trust her. I'm neither good at lying, nor want to, nor feel it is conducive to a healthy relationship.

Since my last post on her, I did a lot of work and soul searching on it and basically decided to DADT about her and let him do his own thing and face his own consequences

Within a month of him asking, their relationship as FWB broke down completely. He will not pursue it (without any promoting from me; I literally just asked his thoughts on the situation) in the future; honestly he talked with Z (who had not at all talked to me about it in the meantime) and they had a heart to heart about it and he came to the realization she did in fact manipulate him for her own financial gain, and once she got it she dropped him like a hot potato. And admitted that (literally the day before they were [after planning for 2 weeks to] going to have a sex date), although he did say that he would not be the 'other man' as it is neither ethical nor acceptable to him (as she has a history of cheating; and currently has another partner), that she, in fact, was going to do just that but the changed her mind because she 'couldn't handle the complication'.

While we did agree stuff with her would be DADT, I did listen to all of this info about this breakdown (I was at work, so it was via text and therefore it was a lot more listening than replying).

While it was...I dunno...vindicating? in a way for my intuition to be correct, I'm incredibly sad for him to have to deal with this-she was also his best and longest friend. He's incredibly hurt by her behaviour, but feels very guilty for setting up a boundary that no, he did not want to see her for a while, and yes, he was very hurt and mad.

All I ended up saying was that I was proud of him for setting boundaries that made him comfortable and that I'm sorry he had to deal with this (which is true), and that I love him. I'm also taking my cues from him as to what will be the best way to be supportive of him right now.

-

My question(s) are...

-Has anyone gone through this situation or similar before, what did you end up doing for your partner?

-I feel icky about feeling vindicated. Has anyone had experience with that feeling in this situation? Is feeling vindicated (so long as I'm not sharing that with him as it's really mean to do so) kind of...acceptable?

-Is it okay that I really loved being one of the ones he turned to for dealing with this, because I lovehim and being there for him is important to me, but I wasn't super comfortable with it either. It almost felt like rubbing salt into me because he just...didn't care before? I know everyone needs to learn certain things in their own time and via experience, but it kinda sucked for me to be listening to the issues I knew would happen, see him hurt by what I knew would happen, and...I dunno it's kinda complicaited feeling too.

I'm not really anxious or even super...upset?...I more just feel confused by all the overlapping feelings and need some advice on processing etc.

Please be gentle.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi El,

I don't blame you for feeling vindicated; she was untrustworthy right from the beginning, and you were right to trust your instincts. I think this is something for B to work through mostly on his own; anything you do in this situation is like extra credit. Just tell him that you care about him, and that you are here for him if he needs a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. Then let him figure out what he needs, after which he can let you know. It is always hard when a partner goes through a breakup.

It kind of sounds like you feel both good and bad at the same time. Be patient as you work through these feelings, it is hard to watch your partner go through a breakup, and you feel kinda helpless, like you have to let him do his own processing, and the most you can offer is a listening ear. I hope this post helps somewhat.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[ElMango]

Hi El,

I don't blame you for feeling vindicated; she was untrustworthy right from the beginning, and you were right to trust your instincts. I think this is something for B to work through mostly on his own; anything you do in this situation is like extra credit. Just tell him that you care about him, and that you are here for him if he needs a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on. Then let him figure out what he needs, after which he can let you know. It is always hard when a partner goes through a breakup.

It kind of sounds like you feel both good and bad at the same time. Be patient as you work through these feelings, it is hard to watch your partner go through a breakup, and you feel kinda helpless, like you have to let him do his own processing, and the most you can offer is a listening ear. I hope this post helps somewhat.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Also, I'm not going to lie...although they've been friends for like 10+ years...her birthday is soon so he told her "you pick a gift, and I'll pay for it". Which...on it's own? Honestly I didn't care....but when the day after she pulled her stunt he told me what it was; it was worth a lot. I've never asked (not would I ask) for that generous of a gift; if they basically were like "we want to spoil you pick something expensive), nor he hasnt even close done that for me. Which, honestly, it's less than the amount of money. If it was a gift that I would love and was meaningful and picked out with love it could be fucking free and I'd love it.

But I also feel...kinda hurt as well. Like, I KNOW he loves me, and I know, honestly, if I asked to pick out a gift and I asked for something similar...but it still feels...I hate to say this because it makes me feel like a fucking petulant child...unfair. Like I'm 'less' important (which again, I know isn't true; as well as I disagree witht he importance of people in that way mindset).

It's good to have confirmation that my plan for comforting him is a long those lines. I just wish I could help more and do more. That does bring me peace.

It makes me sad.

 

[kdt26417]

Re:

"You pick a gift, and I'll pay for it."

Wow. After what she did to him?

Re:

"He hasn't even close done that for me."

You're right: That is unfair! It's almost like he is trying to "buy her back," YKWIM?

Anyway, your plan to comfort him is a good one; carry on with that, and try to keep in mind he probably isn't thinking clearly right now.

 

[ElMango]

Re:


Wow. After what she did to him?

Re:


You're right: That is unfair! It's almost like he is trying to "buy her back," YKWIM?

Anyway, your plan to comfort him is a good one; carry on with that, and try to keep in mind he probably isn't thinking clearly right now.

He got the gift before...but like the day before. But she had led him on in the past too.

And I'm getting a tattoo, and yesterday he was like "making this a wedding gift to yourself " and i was like "or you could contribute as a wedding gift" and he didn't pick up that. I also had no plans on asking or getting any help paying for it period, but it was just because i got the opportunity.

So now I'm really bummed and i feel selfish and greedy and vain for being hurt at all

 

[kdt26417]

That's very human to be hurt under those circumstances. It sounds like he is very clueless about how he gives her preferential treatment.

 

[ElMango]

That's very human to be hurt under those circumstances. It sounds like he is very clueless about how he gives her preferential treatment.

I wish I knew how to bring it up and phrase it without sounding like a money grubbing or selfish person; it's not the money really...it's just...I can't even put it into words why it really hurts; like what part hurts

I don't want to bring it up when I can't even phrase it in a constructive way; or if it even needs to be brought up

 

[kdt26417]

How about, something like, "Sometimes I feel less valued, like when you spend money on her that you don't spend on me. It's not the money per se, it's more that I feel left out when that happens."

There's limits on how much of a positive spin you can put on it, as he is doing something to you that is very negative. Like I said I suspect he is very clueless, and would be shocked to hear that he has been treating you that way.

Don't bottle it up inside, speak up for your needs and rights. Although you may want to wait a little, until *he* is not hurting so much. If you try to tell him right now, he might not hear you, he might only hear, "Oh, she is saying something negative about me. That really hurts." YKWIM?

 

[ElMango]

How about, something like, "Sometimes I feel less valued, like when you spend money on her that you don't spend on me. It's not the money per se, it's more that I feel left out when that happens."

There's limits on how much of a positive spin you can put on it, as he is doing something to you that is very negative. Like I said I suspect he is very clueless, and would be shocked to hear that he has been treating you that way.

Don't bottle it up inside, speak up for your needs and rights. Although you may want to wait a little, until *he* is not hurting so much. If you try to tell him right now, he might not hear you, he might only hear, "Oh, she is saying something negative about me. That really hurts." YKWIM?

Oh yeah I'd definitely wait; because as well once he's not hurting so much he may realize on his own about how hinky it was. And I don't want to hurt him more. Salt in a wound is never really a good idea.

Less valued is a good way of phrasing it. And honestly until the whole wedding gift comment that I felt deeply hurt. Before that it was more of a "well, you got manipulated and that's something that hurts you".

 

[kdt26417]

Yeah I think he is oblivious to how much that hurts you. He is thinking about J right now, he is not ready to think about you. Give him time, he may come around and realize some things on his own.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Sounds like he has a really good friend and he enjoys spoiling her. Aren't you glad your loved one has someone who he loves that way? I'd be hoping that my partner is able to overcome these issues between them so they can have a healthy and happy relationship which might even become more entangled. I wouldn't be secretly hoping it all implodes and he has less people than he started with. That doesn't seem very loving from me.

 

[Tinwen]

-I feel icky about feeling vindicated. Has anyone had experience with that feeling in this situation? Is feeling vindicated (so long as I'm not sharing that with him as it's really mean to do so) kind of...acceptable?

Don't worry about it very much, it's just a feeling. You could even express with some self-irony. "Damn, I hate the situation, but I love being right."

-Is it okay that I really loved being one of the ones he turned to for dealing with this, because I lovehim and being there for him is important to me, but I wasn't super comfortable with it either. It almost felt like rubbing salt into me because he just...didn't care before? I know everyone needs to learn certain things in their own time and via experience, but it kinda sucked for me to be listening to the issues I knew would happen, see him hurt by what I knew would happen, and...I dunno it's kinda complicaited feeling too.

You have to figure out your boundaries on that. Maybe it would be better to be more firm next time, in the spirit of "if it was DADT, tell me you broke up, but don't give me the details". You could still hug your partner and make him tea and be considerate with his feelings, without knowing everything about sex dates and expensive gifts and the whereabouts of who said what. Even if we love the feeling of being the more loving and supporting one, when something feels like rubbing salt into a wound, well, perhaps we're NOT in a place to offer support on that issue.

 

[ElMango]

Sounds like he has a really good friend and he enjoys spoiling her. Aren't you glad your loved one has someone who he loves that way? I'd be hoping that my partner is able to overcome these issues between them so they can have a healthy and happy relationship which might even become more entangled. I wouldn't be secretly hoping it all implodes and he has less people than he started with. That doesn't seem very loving from me.

Remind me in what way she was being a good friend? In what way she she conducive to a happy healthy relationship?
I WANT him to have that besides me, but does anyone want a partner to be with someone who is not healthy?

 

[ElMango]

Don't worry about it very much, it's just a feeling. You could even express with some self-irony. "Damn, I hate the situation, but I love being right."

You have to figure out your boundaries on that. Maybe it would be better to be more firm next time, in the spirit of "if it was DADT, tell me you broke up, but don't give me the details". You could still hug your partner and make him tea and be considerate with his feelings, without knowing everything about sex dates and expensive gifts and the whereabouts of who said what. Even if we love the feeling of being the more loving and supporting one, when something feels like rubbing salt into a wound, well, perhaps we're NOT in a place to offer support on that issue.

Thanks. It's definitely hard to say "i love you but spare the details "

 

[Tinwen]

Thanks. It's definitely hard to say "i love you but spare the details "

Yes. It may be also something to establish with your partner over a period time, so that your definition of love can adjust slightly, and it doesn't feel like a letdown in a moment of crisis. Both an understanding of this kind of a boundary must be in place, and the habit of setting them.

 

[ElMango]

Yes. It may be also something to establish with your partner over a period time, so that your definition of love can adjust slightly, and it doesn't feel like a letdown in a moment of crisis. Both an understanding of this kind of a boundary must be in place, and the habit of setting them.

For sure. For me it would feel so...unloving...to not listen

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

It sounds like they've had a long friendship with lots of sexual innuendo but with normal highs and lows. Regardless of other relationships and the boundaries that have attempted to neutralize the obvious chemistry between them, it's likely there will always be a flame that fizzles.

I usually encourage my partners to pursue those flames because they add to their lives. I choose partners who make good choices, or at least are adult enough to live with the consequences of their bad choices. That's why I feel little need to be a "helicopter partner", and when I do feel that need, it's usually because I'm neglecting myself and/or the relationship isn't conductive to my emotional wellbeing.

 

[ElMango]

It sounds like they've had a long friendship with lots of sexual innuendo but with normal highs and lows. Regardless of other relationships and the boundaries that have attempted to neutralize the obvious chemistry between them, it's likely there will always be a flame that fizzles.

I usually encourage my partners to pursue those flames because they add to their lives. I choose partners who make good choices, or at least are adult enough to live with the consequences of their bad choices. That's why I feel little need to be a "helicopter partner", and when I do feel that need, it's usually because I'm neglecting myself and/or the relationship isn't conductive to my emotional wellbeing.

I'm chosing to just say nothing to him about my opinion on the status of their relationship, is that still not controlling?

I think maybe the hearing about it was a bad idea and probably neglecting my need

 

[FallenAngelina]

It's definitely hard to say "i love you but spare the details "

I'm curious why this might be difficult for you. Lots of poly people have this agreement because they feel most loving and supportive by allowing their partner to have autonomous relationships. Also because they know their limits regarding emotional entanglement - so, self-loving. Why does it feel unloving to you? I guess I ask because many of us were taught that love means emotional entanglement in every possible crevice - the more you're willing to be involved, the more you show your love. The problem with this is that it fosters weak relationship boundaries and resentment. The meddlesome mother in law is the stereotypical example. I'm not at all implying that you or anyone here is meddlesome or even resentful, just illustrating how the thinking that "level of entanglement = depth of love" can lead to the problems associated with weak boundaries.

There's a big, healthy (my opinion) difference between DADT and "I love you, but enjoy the details on your own."

 

[ElMango]

I'm curious why this might be difficult for you. Lots of poly people have this agreement because they feel most loving and supportive by allowing their partner to have autonomous relationships. Also because they know their limits regarding emotional entanglement - so, self-loving. Why does it feel unloving to you?

It feels that way because I ferl like I'm not doing enough or being supportive enough.

Saying spare the details for happy stuff doesnt bug me; it's saying it when they're hurting. I want to help them hurt less, so if they want to talk I listen.