Hinges Role

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ElMango

Member
Having/being a hinge in a V seems to be the most common relationship set up, but it seems there is also some variation and confusion on what people view as the hinges role with meta interaction.

Does it vary based on poly style? Based on meta relationship?

I'm a bit torn; the hinge is absolutely the go between in my relationship-as I'm the hinge and act as this. B and Z also are close enough they're like brothers.
The hinge should also facilitate a meta meeting if it is needed. I've done this with my two husbands as well all live together and they can talk face to face I just need to prod/encourage at times.

In the end each spoke must speak up their thoughts and feelings to the hinge to facilitate their ability to be a hinge; whether they need a face to face/group meeting, or need the hinge themselves to bring things up, etc.
 
It definitely depends on the style. If you all live together, obviously the metas are going to have a lot of contact. My relationships have always been separate. No interactions between my partners. One relationship rarely had any affect on another. Same deal with my metas, though I did meet one. None of them had any real affect on my relationships.

Personally, I think my style is the easiest lol. It's hard for me to imagine what sort of issue I would have with a meta, or one partner would have with another.
 
vinsanity0 said:
It definitely depends on the style. If you all live together, obviously the metas are going to have a lot of contact. My relationships have always been separate. No interactions between my partners. One relationship rarely had any affect on another. Same deal with my metas, though I did meet one. None of them had any real affect on my relationships.

Personally, I think my style is the easiest lol. It's hard for me to imagine what sort of issue I would have with a meta, or one partner would have with another.
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I for sure agree your style is easier! Not having to deal with the interpersonal issues is a major bonus. At the same time, when things go smoothly, it's amazing.
 
I think in many cases it depends on your poly style -- in kitchen table poly, it makes sense for the two metas (the legs of the V) to talk to each other directly; in parallel poly, it makes sense for the hinge to be the go-between.
 
My relationships are 95% separate.

There is no need for me to be a go between. My husbands can communicate as much or as little as they want. I just make sure that I do not bleed issues in one relationship into the other.
 
Dagferi said:
My relationships are 95% separate.

There is no need for me to be a go between. My husbands can communicate as much or as little as they want. I just make sure that I do not bleed issues in one relationship into the other.
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Same, only probably even more separate. There’s no “going between” because there’s no interaction, even indirectly. They’ve met a few times over the years. They can contact each other if the need arises, but it never has. I consider multiple people’s needs when planning my calendar, but that’s pretty one-way. I might tell Woof a calendar item changed because of Mitch’s work schedule or something, but that’s no more being a go-between than casually reporting that my dentist doesn’t have late afternoon hours anymore.
 
I manage the relationships I have with individuals, and they can manage their relationships with individuals.

The concept of a "hinge" seems like a formalized role in group dating, which I don't have any interest in. The term doesn't apply to my world in any way.
 
Marcus said:
The concept of a "hinge" seems like a formalized role in group dating...
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My experience with a hinge BF was not this. He is married, I was his GF he was the hinge (in practice, although we never labeled him as such.) His wife and I were friends from a social community, but not close at the time, so we kept what felt like a respectful distance with one another. We arranged things through him and did emotional check-ups as needed with him. She and I did exchange heartfelt texts from time to time, so our relationship was not superficial, but anything more than the occasional "I appreciate you" kind of text would have begun to feel meddlesome to each of us. I think that she and I did a great job of cultivating and expressing respect to one another while sharing our own deeply intimate discussions with him, so any kind of meta drama was nonexistent. My experience having a hinge was that he helped create an easy and harmonious atmosphere. It was the opposite of group dating.

I think that good boundaries make good hinges, just as good boundaries make good relationships. All of the hinge drama I have witnessed here and in RL is rooted in sloppy boundaries and careening into codependent thinking.
 
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FallenAngelina said:
My experience with a hinge BF was not this. He is married, I was his GF he was the hinge (in practice, although we never labeled him as such.) His wife and I were friends from a social community, but not close at the time, so we kept what felt like a respectful distance with one another. We arranged things through him and did emotional check-ups as needed with him. She and I did exchange heartfelt texts from time to time, so our relationship was not superficial, but anything more than the occasional "I appreciate you" kind of text would have begun to feel meddlesome to each of us. I think that she and I did a great job of cultivating and expressing respect to one another while sharing our own deeply intimate discussions with him, so any kind of meta drama was nonexistent. My experience having a hinge was that he helped create an easy and harmonious atmosphere. It was the opposite of group dating.

I think that good boundaries make good hinges, just as good boundaries make good relationships. All of the hinge drama I have witnessed here and in RL is rooted in sloppy boundaries and careening into codependent thinking.
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OMG YES!! This so much! Referring to the pivot person in a chain of relationships may really only be used in the communities of dating relationships. But it exists in chains of friend dynamics, family, and everything else. I think there are just more likely to be bad boundary issues in dating relationship dynamics. But good boundaries, and agreement on those boundaries tends to make for good hinges and good dynamics in a polycule!
 
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