Considering Open Marriage/Relationship Advice or Input Needed

[ThinBlueLine]

Forewarning I'm probably going to rant a lot so bear with me.

I am new to the open relationship concept and have been doing independent research from reading articles to websites and now I'm hoping to receive more advice/input from those who are in open marriages/relationships themselves.

So me and my fiancée have been together over 3 years and we are getting married soon.

We are very strong and have an incredible sex life. We've had a threesome with another woman without issue.

We are both in law enforcement and she recently began a friendship with a male Co worker of mine whom I don't work with on a regular basis.

They've been texting for almost two months now and at first I was slightly jealous but we've since discussed the idea of exploring an open relationship.

I was opposed initially to it being someone on the same department to avoid a messy situation if things end. Also the fear of everyone else finding out and I guess fear of others on the department joking at me if my soon to be wife is also available for them to have sex with.

I currently am not talking to any other women on a friendship level. I had noticed how close the two of them were becoming and he even took us out to dinner.

Afterwards I brought up the question if she's ever thought of this male friend as more than a friend as in someone she'd want an open relationship with.

She was surprised because she hadn't thought of him that way but now that I brought it up she's even more curious about what it'd be like to have one with him.

We've had conversations about it since then and have discussed doing a trial run of exploring an open relationship. The challenge I face is I'll likely have to turn to a dating site to find another woman to have the same outlet she currently has or will have.

She seemed somewhat hesitant to that idea and suggested how difficult it'd be for us both to coordinate having a person at the same time. I was honest and explained I would feel left out and feel I'd be more jealous of the open relationship situation if it was one sided.

Presently we are having the male friend come over Friday and they're going to hang out while I go to work. She is aware and understands we're not currently in an open relationship so they're not going to engage in anything sexual while I'm gone. I trust her completely and know that if it were going to happen she'd tell me.

After Friday we are going to reevaluate where she is with him and if it's something she would even want to explore. We also don't know if the male friend would be willing to explore a open relationship with her either.

My biggest question for those who have or are in an open relationship is how do you deal with the jealousy especially after the first time your significant other went on a date or had sex with someone else?

I am entirely open to the open relationship as I have had lengthy discussions with her and we both believe although it's not impossible, a monogamous marriage can lead to more issues and routine or boring sex.

I'm having some natural jealousy and uncomfortable feelings towards how this would all work especially since he is invited to our wedding.

We both recognize the amount of communication, transparency and complete honesty that'd required in order for this to work.

Ever since we discussed the idea of an open relationship I feel like we've become closer because we've communicated about jealousy issues or concerns that never came up before.

She also asked if she did enter an open relationship with him if we would all still be able to hang out and be friends and I honestly don't know how I would feel about that.

Anyway I'll post an update after Friday and any input or advice from the community is greatly appreciated.

 

[ElMango]

My biggest question for those who have or are in an open relationship is how do you deal with the jealousy especially after the first time your significant other went on a date or had sex with someone else?

INtrospection. Why am I feeling the ways I'm feeling?

I am entirely open to the open relationship as I have had lengthy discussions with her and we both believe although it's not impossible, a monogamous marriage can lead to more issues and routine or boring sex.

A lack of creativity and dedication can lead to a boring and stagnant sex life and life in general. After 10 years of being with the same partner, even before finding poly, we were never bored.
We started poly with just intending to only do FWB. Now I'm married to two men. Things have a tendency to evolve and grow.

I'm having some natural jealousy and uncomfortable feelings towards how this would all work especially since he is invited to our wedding.

can you explain these feelings more and more detailed? Really evaluate what feelings your feeling and why.

 

[ThinBlueLine]

Thanks for reaching out so quickly and provided insight. That's incredible you're able to have that kind of marriage and were monogamous for so long without issues.

can you explain these feelings more and more detailed? Really evaluate what feelings your feeling and why.

I spoke with her about that scenario and she said it wouldn't bother her at all but it might be awkward for him being at our ceremony watching us get married. I guess for me it'd feel awkward because the man she is also sleeping with is watching us take our vows with each other and I'm supposed to shake his hand afterwards or mingle at our wedding with close family.

I also have other natural fears that I'm sure others have had to for example I know safe sex is paramount and we also discussed that. But I also know she prefers unprotected sex and I'm afraid the guy she is with would also prefer that and it could lead to accidental pregnancy or STDS. But I guess that goes back to INtrospective for why I'm feeling this way and knowing to absolutely trust her and communicate these fears.

 

[vinsanity0]

What El said. I always say jealousy is a symptom. Once you figure out what is causing it you can work on fixing that.

 

[ThinBlueLine]

I had replied earlier but I guess it never posted.

El in response to what you asked the details..

I guess it's more me than her feeling awkward with him at our wedding. My feeling is ill feel awkward that the guy she will have possibly slept with by that point is in the audience watching us take our vows for marriage. She felt fine with it but was more concerned how he would feel or act towards it.

Again much of this is hypothetical because she hasn't even approached him with the possibility of an open relationship and he could reject the idea altogether.

I have a lot of other questions about this as well. My fiancée is bisexual so naturally I thought maybe it'd be best to try and find a bisexual woman myself but she pointed out how difficult that could be.

I also don't have female co workers I could interact with the way she has with this male Co worker. I think a dating site like OKCupid is the best option from what I've researched but I honestly don't know where to begin.

I also don't find it fair for me to be searching for a woman and having multiple women hitting me up and I guess shopping myself when she only has the one guy who she happened to connect with.

I'm very nervous for Friday when the two of them will get to spend time alone together more so for my jealous feelings and I will try not to pry to much or bug her asking what they're doing.

I know inside I could do an open relationship and I'm not just saying that to make her happy. I have played out the scenarios in my head of her fucking this guy and how I would respond to it.

I obviously don't know how I'll react until it happens and I just hope I don't lose sexual attraction towards her knowing she fucked another guy.

I also naturally am going to be curious if he is better or bigger than me, etc. But at the same time being new I'm not sure what I should or should not ask too much details will inevitably just cause jealousy I fear.

I know I've acted jealous as of late in specific the male friend is going thru a divorce and doesn't have an outlet to talk to about it which is why I reached out as well as she did. I'm a straight male so I have no interest in him at all other than being a friend. Anyway I could tell the night we had dinner she wanted him to hang out with us and play games while she worked on wedding planning stuff. I felt it was a forced scenario where she was making us become friends and it was one of our days off together so I basically told her I wanted him to leave and didn't want him at the house after dinner. That led to an argument but we discussed the issues and worked it out. I admitted to being selfish and unaware of what he might be going thru since he said himself he didn't want to go home to his house that's broken since he and his wife are separated in different rooms.

 

[ElMango]

I guess it's more me than her feeling awkward with him at our wedding. My feeling is ill feel awkward that the guy she will have possibly slept with by that point is in the audience watching us take our vows for marriage. She felt fine with it but was more concerned how he would feel or act towards it.

I do understand this kinda gut instinct level feeling. However...Both Z and I wish that B was at least a guest in our wedding now with hindsight. We had only done some flirting at that point...and that's one reason Z was hesitant to invite him. They hadn't been friends for more than a few months; and all we had been doing was flirting. But now...all 3 of us really do wish he was there.

At the same time, analyze these feelings; why would it be awkward for him to be there if they've slept together? What part of that makes you feel negative feelings?

I have a lot of other questions about this as well. My fiancée is bisexual so naturally I thought maybe it'd be best to try and find a bisexual woman myself but she pointed out how difficult that could be.

Ask yourself, if the coworker/friend your wife was considering to be with was a woman instead, would you still feel these same emotions and hesitations? If not, why?

I also don't have female co workers I could interact with the way she has with this male Co worker. I think a dating site like OKCupid is the best option from what I've researched but I honestly don't know where to begin.

This is common for many couples who open up; one partner has more luck dating than others. Make your profile and start there.

I also don't find it fair for me to be searching for a woman and having multiple women hitting me up and I guess shopping myself when she only has the one guy who she happened to connect with.

Just like finding someone you want to date is a you problem, if she makes the choice to not go with a dating site etc, that's a her problem.

I'm very nervous for Friday when the two of them will get to spend time alone together more so for my jealous feelings and I will try not to pry to much or bug her asking what they're doing.

Have you guys talked about what may happen? If anything would make you uncomfortable and why? Discussed rules v. boundaries? Aim to go in NOT being surprised.

I have played out the scenarios in my head of her fucking this guy and how I would respond to it.

This is...worded in an interesting way. You seem VERY hooked up on the sex part to the point where you're almost obsessing on it. What part of the sex really gets you? It seems to be a massive part of your insecurity.
Also, it seems that you're also not expecting things to ever move beyond FWB

I obviously don't know how I'll react until it happens and I just hope I don't lose sexual attraction towards her knowing she fucked another guy.

Um...have you brought up this concern with HER????? This is AT LEAST a yellow flag to slow down and pause things and get some of your shit sorted.

I also naturally am going to be curious if he is better or bigger than me, etc. But at the same time being new I'm not sure what I should or should not ask too much details will inevitably just cause jealousy I fear.

It's definitely a bit prying to ask her these types of questions. Again, talk about your hopes with nowing...or importantly NOT KNOWING. Some people want to share, but if it not productive then tell her that.

he didn't want to go home to his house that's broken since he and his wife are separated in different rooms.

Are you and your wife sure you want to enter into a relationship with someone with a bunch of baggage and in a very chaotic spot in their lives?

 

[ThinBlueLine]

I do understand this kinda gut instinct level feeling. However...Both Z and I wish that B was at least a guest in our wedding now with hindsight. We had only done some flirting at that point...and that's one reason Z was hesitant to invite him. They hadn't been friends for more than a few months; and all we had been doing was flirting. But now...all 3 of us really do wish he was there.

At the same time, analyze these feelings; why would it be awkward for him to be there if they've slept together? What part of that makes you feel negative feelings?

--I guess the awkward part is like you've mentioned caught up on the sex part of it and feeling awkward being around him.


Ask yourself, if the coworker/friend your wife was considering to be with was a woman instead, would you still feel these same emotions and hesitations? If not, why?

No because she had previously seeked out another woman and I was fine with it because it is a different element in my mind, it's her exploring her bisexuality. When it's a guy I feel there's almost a competition between me and him and the actual fear she would leave me for him. With a woman it's more sensual and a turn on for me. With a guy I guess it's a combination of him having a dick and testosterones.

This is common for many couples who open up; one partner has more luck dating than others. Make your profile and start there.


Just like finding someone you want to date is a you problem, if she makes the choice to not go with a dating site etc, that's a her problem.


Have you guys talked about what may happen? If anything would make you uncomfortable and why? Discussed rules v. boundaries? Aim to go in NOT being surprised.

I asked her what her expectations were and she seemed offended by my question. I set boundaries in that I'd rather they didn't go sit down at a restaurant and eat because where is the line drawn between technically being on a date by sitting down at a sit down restaurant with him versus getting fast food somewhere and or bringing fast food back to the house.

She knows if this were to happen I don't want any sex occurring in our household and she too agreed.

I'm not sure how to tell her my fears Friday without sounding like I'm being over protective or jealous. I guess my fear would be that they end up fooling around even though we both agreed we are waiting until after Friday before doing a trial run on an open relationship so I would feel betrayed in a way if they fool around after I asked her not to. At least not yet.

This is...worded in an interesting way. You seem VERY hooked up on the sex part to the point where you're almost obsessing on it. What part of the sex really gets you? It seems to be a massive part of your insecurity.
Also, it seems that you're also not expecting things to ever move beyond FWB

I don't know why I am obsessing over the sex part either because she includes me in their text conversations and shows them to me. And they have not once even flirted or sexted with each other which I respect that her friendship with him isn't purely a sexual feeling.

Um...have you brought up this concern with HER????? This is AT LEAST a yellow flag to slow down and pause things and get some of your shit sorted.

I have not but I plan on doing so after Friday. And I'm not sure if it's a legit feeling or just nerves setting in.

Again I don't know why I'm hung up on the sex part. Perhaps it's my insecurities feeling he will be way better in bed than me and she won't have the same great sex with me.

It's definitely a bit prying to ask her these types of questions. Again, talk about your hopes with nowing...or importantly NOT KNOWING. Some people want to share, but if it not productive then tell her that.


Are you and your wife sure you want to enter into a relationship with someone with a bunch of baggage and in a very chaotic spot in their lives?

We haven't discussed the baggage that would come with that type of scenario.

I do know I've mentioned how at first I was firmly against it being a Co worker because I didn't want it getting around the department.

But she said she'd actually rather it be with him because she has a close friendship with him and it just makes sense. She reassured me whoever she chooses will have to be on board with it being kept under wraps.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry you are struggling.

Let me repeat back in my own words so I know I got it right, ok?

• There is Police you.
• Your Police GF of 3 years, who you plan to marry soon.
• Your police coworker Dude, who GF is now kinda interested in.

I am entirely open to the open relationship as I have had lengthy discussions with her and we both believe although it's not impossible, a monogamous marriage can lead to more issues and routine or boring sex.

That's why you want to explore Open? You think monogamous marriage can lead to issues? What makes you think Open doesn't come with issues? Or poly doesn't come with issues?

I was opposed initially to it being someone on the same department to avoid a messy situation if things end. Also the fear of everyone else finding out and I guess fear of others on the department joking at me if my soon to be wife is also available for them to have sex with.

What changed?

Are you not still opposed? Would it still not be messy?

Is that the culture at your work place? How is that funny? Or even a "joke?"

Those sound like fair worries.

Since they haven't even started dating... could you ask her to consider putting your shared police coworkers on a "just too weird and too messy" list? For the reasons above? Also maybe your parents, siblings go on that list too? Her relatives? People that if either of you date them is too weird or could cause strained/estranged relationships you'd both rather just SKIP and not deal with?

There's enough people in the world to date without going right for the messy ones.

We've had conversations about it since then and have discussed doing a trial run of exploring an open relationship. The challenge I face is I'll likely have to turn to a dating site to find another woman to have the same outlet she currently has or will have.

She seemed somewhat hesitant to that idea and suggested how difficult it'd be for us both to coordinate having a person at the same time. I was honest and explained I would feel left out and feel I'd be more jealous of the open relationship situation if it was one sided.

I could be wrong, but it sounds like you two could talk a whole lot more, and if you are gonna do Open? What happens if it doesn't stay "Open" -- but people fall in love? Are you up for polyamory too?

Maybe put off getting married at this time. Like deal with ONE big change at a time. And (not to be mean about it) if it ends up a mess, it's easier to walk away if you are NOT married.

If you are going to do it WHILE newly married, maybe part of the preparation could be talking about how to part ways well if it is needed and NOT merging bank accounts? Prenups? Postnups? You are responsible for your own emergency preparedness.

Hopefully not even needed. But in place if it IS needed and not like crap hitting the fan from making a mess of Open, and then all this OTHER load of mess because of entanglements and no emergency preparedness.

After Friday we are going to reevaluate where she is with him and if it's something she would even want to explore. We also don't know if the male friend would be willing to explore a open relationship with her either.

I think before you even involve other people you and her could do a LOT more preparation.

And def think about both of you dating people who are NOT your police coworkers if you are going to explore anything.

If you have coworkers who would even "joke" in the work place about taking a turn with your wife -- is that going to lead to harassment for her at work? Creepy stuff? It's still quite a male dominant field from what I can tell. So she might have enough to deal at work with without this "bonus" stuff. Have you guys talked about that?

My biggest question for those who have or are in an open relationship is how do you deal with the jealousy especially after the first time your significant other went on a date or had sex with someone else?

What are you jealous about? Is it poly hell things? Something else?

Like you are only up for Open and sharing sex with others, but not Poly and sharing love? So the jealousy is a fear is that she will come to love him?

I'm having some natural jealousy and uncomfortable feelings towards how this would all work especially since he is invited to our wedding.

Why is THIS the best time to Open? Right smack in the middle of wedding plans?

Marriage is in the top 10 on this stress list.

Why is THIS the best person to do that exploring with?

If you are going to do the wedding, maybe hold off on exploring Open til you are settled down from the wedding. Again... could only deal with one big change at a time. Not pile them all up.

And in the meanwhile do more reading, talking, thinking, etc. These are from Open and Poly POV... you have to figure out what is useful to you or not. I'm sure there's other resources out there.

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/
https://medium.com/@PolyamorySchool/the-most-skipped-step-when-opening-a-relationship-f1f67abbbd49
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles
https://www.morethantwo.com/
http://practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html

HTH!
Galagirl

 

[GalaGirl]

I also don't find it fair for me to be searching for a woman and having multiple women hitting me up and I guess shopping myself when she only has the one guy who she happened to connect with.

Why is it not fair? If each one can date other people, they date other people. You both have the same ability to date other people. You are Open. HOW it unfolds, well, that part is not gonna be carbon copies. You each have your own dating style.

Like you can use the same pen and write the same sentence... you have different handwriting, right?

Well... you have the same ability to date other people. What it looks like won't be the same. And that is fine.

I know inside I could do an open relationship and I'm not just saying that to make her happy. I have played out the scenarios in my head of her fucking this guy and how I would respond to it.

I obviously don't know how I'll react until it happens and I just hope I don't lose sexual attraction towards her knowing she fucked another guy.

I also naturally am going to be curious if he is better or bigger than me, etc. But at the same time being new I'm not sure what I should or should not ask too much details will inevitably just cause jealousy I fear.

You sound kinda hung up on the sex thing. And if you think it will make you lose attraction for her? Don't get married right now. Or don't Open. Why play with fire and make yourself crazy thinking these things?

Say you do go there... it's not really your business. Other than safer sex practices/birth control being used? His dick size is not your biz, what they (hypothetically) would do when they share sex is not your biz etc. Just like your dick size and what you do with her isn't any of his biz.

But that's cart WAAAAAY before horse.

the male friend is going thru a divorce and doesn't have an outlet to talk to about it which is why I reached out as well as she did.

Fair enough. Both reached out. That is kind.

I'm a straight male so I have no interest in him at all other than being a friend. Anyway I could tell the night we had dinner she wanted him to hang out with us and play games while she worked on wedding planning stuff. I felt it was a forced scenario where she was making us become friends and it was one of our days off together so I basically told her I wanted him to leave and didn't want him at the house after dinner.

Are you saying she invited him to stay and play games with you while she did wedding planning without even asking if YOU wanted to be doing that? Like maybe you wanted to take a nap or watching a movie and not be doing "host" stuff with people over. So if it is her invinting her friend to hang out, SHE can hang out with them and not just assume you want to be doing that?

How about on your end? Did you ASK her to spend your day off together? Or just assume that whenever you both have the day off on the same day, it's time spent together as a couple? And are annoyed she made other hang out plans that day?

That led to an argument but we discussed the issues and worked it out.

What were the issues?

I admitted to being selfish and unaware of what he might be going thru

How is it selfish for you not to know he was getting divorced? You aren't a mind reader.

he said himself he didn't want to go home to his house that's broken since he and his wife are separated in different rooms.

So? He doesn't have to go home, but he can't stay there if he's worn out his welcome. Even good friends can't be hanging around your house 24/7. It's not your job to be like a "divorcing people shelter." Sometimes some people can't take the hint. Shoo. Go. Visit is done.

One can be compassionate without having to attend to ALL the people in the world ALL the time.

Why's it selfish for you to spend your day off how YOU want?

Galagirl

 

[ThinBlueLine]

For some reason whenever I quote replies they take forever to post. Sorry if this is a double post but my replies aren't showing up.

I'll try to respond to El and then Gala:

In response to El:

Quote:
At the same time, analyze these feelings; why would it be awkward for him to be there if they've slept together? What part of that makes you feel negative feelings?

I think it's just the fact I'll be mingling with him knowing he's been intimate with my new bride. I am finding myself really caught up on the sex thing and I don't know why... There are times I think about it and the thought of her having sex with someone else does turn me on. So I'm not sure what is causing my feelings being held up on sex.

Quote:
Ask yourself, if the coworker/friend your wife was considering to be with was a woman instead, would you still feel these same emotions and hesitations? If not, why?

No if it was a woman I doubt I'd feel as jealous.. Again I'm not sure what it is but probably because it's another male the risk of her leaving me for him.. The fact he has a dick and can satisfy her differently than a woman can..


Quote:
Have you guys talked about what may happen? If anything would make you uncomfortable and why? Discussed rules v. boundaries? Aim to go in NOT being surprised.

I did set down some restrictions like I don't want them going out to a sit down dinner because where's the line between going on a date and just being friends? She suggested just getting fast food and hanging out. I will be more clear I'd prefer they didn't fool around as we aren't yet in an open relationship and haven't gone on board with it yet.


Quote:
This is...worded in an interesting way. You seem VERY hooked up on the sex part to the point where you're almost obsessing on it. What part of the sex really gets you? It seems to be a massive part of your insecurity.
Also, it seems that you're also not expecting things to ever move beyond FWB

I don't mean to obsess over the sex part. Which I don't know why I am because they barely flirt and don't sext she's included me in their texts and they aren't sexual at all. I believe we are going more for a FWB and not a poly type open relationship.

Quote:
Um...have you brought up this concern with HER????? This is AT LEAST a yellow flag to slow down and pause things and get some of your shit sorted.

I have not brought it up to her using that verbiage.. We deff still have more talking to do before we get into a trial run open relationship. I appreciate all the input and feedback.

 

[ThinBlueLine]

In response to Gala:


How about on your end? Did you ASK her to spend your day off together? Or just assume that whenever you both have the day off on the same day, it's time spent together as a couple? And are annoyed she made other hang out plans that day?

It was assumed. Then he texted her asking to take us both out to dinner and at the time I felt it was weird but at least he wasn't asking just her. I felt awkward at times and she said I was weird at dinner and rude.

Afterwards we argued about my behavior and acting like I clearly didn't want him coming home and being rude in the way I acted.

She feels he is the best option right now because they've already built a rapport. I deff need to talk to her and tell her if she has really thought this out about what will happen at work if they end up ending it how would it affect her work life and if he would become upset it ended being a Co worker..

I still do have reservations about it being someone on the department but her argument is it'll be kept secret so it shouldn't be an issue.

I am caught up on the sex thing but it's mixed feelings. When I'm in bed at night grabbing her ass or cuddling I'm thinking man this body is mine I don't really want to share it. Why does he get to enjoy it?

Then I realize thats not how open relationships work..

I did mention I'd like to enjoy her as my wife first before an open relationship status. But we still have to discuss it further. She did say we can put this on the back burner and wait. That doesn't mean they'll stop texting altogether and continue growing their relationship. Again I'm not for a poly open relationship and neither is she.

I hear what you're saying about a prenuptial agreement but we have previously discussed we make the same and if we have kids why should she be left with nothing because of a prenuptial agreement from years ago. Plus a prenup is already putting doubt on the marriage right away.

I'm not saying monogamous relationships can't work but she brought up a valid point when we have kids we won't have the same time for each other to fulfill each other's needs. And she was thinking of a way to make sure our marriage is as strong as possible

We definitely have more talking to do which we will Friday and I'll address my fears and if need be suggest we put this all on the back burner until we get married and settle down. But she is now extremely curious about the idea of exploring an open relationship.

Thanks for all the input

 

[ThinBlueLine]

Update. We were lying in bed tonight and Friday was brl
brought up my girl (We'll call her Z) discussed mostly the agenda for that day with this guy well call (B)

I brought up discussing the Parameters for that day. I told her obviously chemistry could happen since they could be alone at our place for more than 10hrs. I brought up him trying to kiss her. She asked if it happens what should I do or do you want me to do? I explained we aren't yet in a open relationship so I'd prefer she didn't kiss him.

But then I realized how controlling that sounds since it's their first official time alone together. I said how unfair that'd be to have her trying to feel out if she wants to explore a open relationship, yet I'm opposed to her kissing him if the chemistry is there.

That defeats the purpose I feel of starting a trial run on bad controlling terms.. Then she said she's worried I can't handle an open arrangement based on my response about not being able to handle her even kissing him.

I said no I just feel we need to research this more and talk a lot more before we jump into it.

I explained I don't need a open relationship with everything else going on in our lives. She said me either so there you go case closed. I said no.. Do you want one though? She said I don't know.

Z reaffirmed she has feelings for B but unknown what they are.

I finally told her I don't want to start this off controlling your first date. If you honestly feel the chemistry and want to kiss him. Go for it. If he tries to kiss you then go for it. Then we'll know where you stand with everything.

I did say since it's the first time alone together I respectfully request they don't do anything further than kissing

Now I'm awake thinking I handled that conversation poorly.

I did mention I still have reservations for B being a coworker. I asked if she's thought how messy it could be. She said well I'd hope it wouldn't get out.

I'm trying not to stress over this is just hard getting my feet wet.

I also asked her to tell me afterwards what she felt and if this is something she wants. 0

We'll see how Friday goes

 

[ElMango]

I don't think the conversation went poorly; but that's from my end of the keyboard. Somethings aren't smooth but they aren't bad because of that.

I think you definitely need to tell her all of your fears about this; how you're afraid it may affect your sexual attraction to her, how you have fears of it getting messy at work (A very valid fear), how the sex part is eating at you. Keep all of your feelings on the table. OPening up is hard and confusing. You should get as many ducks in a row as you can.

As for how sex is hanging you up; part of it sounds like it's the worry of her leaving you or him being better.

There are people who are poly-mono. One partner is simply monogamous, and the other is not. It's open and ethical even though both parties aren't dating.

I want you both to think LONG and HARD how it getting out at work would affect you both. This is something to be cautious about. Fingers crossing and hoping aren't the solution. I agree with Gala, since you haven't opened yet; no moves have been made, coworkers can be requested to be off limits. I'm a firm "don't shit where you eat" person. Feelings are allowed to exist, but if acting on them is harmful then...

I think you have a lot of reservations coming from logical places; work, time sharing, if both of you are ready, and wanting you both to do more research.
There are also some rooted more in fear and/or insecurity: sex being better, her leaving, his dick being bigger, attraction changes and that something witht he sex you can't put your word on yet.

 

[dingedheart]

I think you should put off any wedding plans until you get this relationship dynamic question settled. I’d open up see if any of the fears or issues arise and then see if marriage is in that future. Way way easier and cheaper to call it quits then then untangle in divorce.

Also you’ll will find can’t unring bells so in this case you’re at a distinct advantage prior to being married. Lots of people have said after being married for many yrs “ this isn’t what I signed up for when I exchange those vows “ you will have be knowing full well what you’re signing up for. And depending how things work out you might not feel a need to marry at that point. Once in this pool things have a way of accelerating at speeds no one predicts and thoughts and feelings no has predicted.

Also addressing what Elmango said above about losing attraction. There are a couple recent threads ( one being really recent) in which recent poly wife has lost attraction to her husband. The point being this happens ( especially in the NRE phase ) so this issue could be a 2 sided issue. And all the risks and fears you’ve stated to me seem fairly reasonable.


I read this very quickly so I might have missed it but didn’t see any discussion on being out to family and friends. I know there was a mention of the new guy being at the wedding, etc. I don’t know about your family, friends and coworkers but heavy drinking leads to secrets slipping out. And people talking about the groom being a lucky guy and he banged her last night or that morning for that matter.



Good luck in this process it isn’t easy��

 

[vinsanity0]

I'm glad you see there is an issue with control. It sounds like both of you are trying to do this in a very controlled environment. Either you are open or you are not. Trying and seeing rarely works out. It's much easier to control a partner than work out your own issues.

 

[SlowPoly]

What’s the emergency here? Why jump in now, Friday? With this person? A person going through a divorce is in a vulnerable place. People about to marry are looking at a huge life change. Why act fast without having sorted out what possible outcomes will look like and how you (everyone) will respond to those?

What’s your emergency? Which of you is evaporating into the ether if you don’t act on this tomorrow?

Define what you want the relationship to be right now, what you might want to work toward, and how you will prepare. If it’s all “see how it feels if he wants to kiss you on Friday” then it can’t also be “this (other person’s body) is my body to enjoy and I don’t want to share it for a while.” Deciding to get married implies all sorts of constraints to each of you and to society. Going all loosey-goosey on the Terms and Conditions is setting up future conflict with each other and your community.

You’re all cops. You know that planning and training, and anticipating and addressing potential scenarios *ahead of encountering them* is essential to better outcomes. Why are you charging into chaos and potentially cornering yourselves and each other? Why are you practicing with live ammo?

If you were my friends, I’d say step back on wedding planning *and* hold off on sowing your soon-to-be-domesticated oats. Think and talk about goals and values. And do it with a counselor. Counseling *now* is training for being together now and going forward.

You’re going in guns blazing, no training, right when everything is volatile. What’s your emergency? Isn’t it vastly better for everyone if you think long term and build a solid foundation here?

 

[GalaGirl]

I mean this kindly OK?

You jumping in underprepared? Whether for Open or Poly? That's a common pitfall that could bite you in the ass later. Maybe this helps you.

http://practicalpolyamory.com/images/A._Wagner_-_Avoid_the_Pitfalls_of_Polyamory.pdf

Step back and look how it sounds.

• Of ALL the times to Open, you are gonna do it right during wedding planning?
  
• And of ALL the people to date in the world, she is going to pick a divorcing coworker from the same dept you all work at?

You know how nuts that sounds? This is the BEST time of life and BEST person to date HOW?

Why can't you postpone wedding, and do Open with people who are NOT a divorcing coworker?

Or postpone Open, do the wedding, enjoy being newlyweds for a while. Then come back to Open... and STILL NOT with a divorcing coworker?

Why aren't you trying to make easier on yourselves rather than harder?

I am caught up on the sex thing but it's mixed feelings. When I'm in bed at night grabbing her ass or cuddling I'm thinking man this body is mine I don't really want to share it. Why does he get to enjoy it?

Her body belongs to HER. It does NOT belong to you. You don't get to say how to share it. SHE gets to say how she wants to share her body. Right now she shares it with you.

Just because you shared sex yesterday? Doesn't mean you are ENTITLED to her and her body today. Just because you are in the mood? You don't get to use her body that you think is yours. She's not your dick cushion toy thing. She's a PERSON.

You are in charge of YOUR body. Not hers. And that works both ways. Just because she's in the mood? She's not entitled to use your body either. You aren't some stunt dick or dildo toy thing. You are a PERSON.

You may have some work there to do first on your views about bodies and who they belong to, consent, and continuing consent. Before even moving on to think about Open.

She feels he is the best option right now because they've already built a rapport.

Honestly? I think that's kinda lazy. I don't pee in my bed cuz I'm already there. I get up to and make the effort to go to the bathroom.

One can have a crush on a coworker and choose to keep the coworker as a coworker. Maintain a professional working rapport. And get up and go make other dating options elsewhere. Yeah, it might be handy cuz they are right there but in the BIGGER picture? No, thanks. Makes a mess. Just like peeing in the bed would. (To me anyway.)

It sounds like it matters a LOT to you. Count how many times in this thread that comes up.

I think you are best just telling her that's a dealbreaker. You are up for considering Open, but NO. Not with coworkers.

Stop waffling on that. Be FIRM.

If it blows up in her face, she wants to deal with harassment at work or having to change jobs? Do you?

I think it a reasonable boundary -- NO coworkers. People need their jobs to pay bills, they don't need that getting all fucked up.

If you worked in a megacorp, that might be different but this is a divorcing coworker in the same dept. Can't get out in the fresh air more and find a potential that isn't so laden with pitfalls?

If they hang out as friends Friday? Fine. But that's all it is – FRIENDS. Because you are NOT Open yet.

Why do you keep waffling on that rather than being FIRM?

If you think "No. I'm not ready to do Open. I need more time to talk and prepare. I don't want to be doing this all wonky" then stick with your preferences. Be firm of purpose. Not all wibbly wonky.

I still do have reservations about it being someone on the department but her argument is it'll be kept secret so it shouldn't be an issue.

And if it BECOMES one... then what is her plan?

I think she's short sighted and/or naive. I've had to comfort too many women friends leaving vindictive exes not to be leery. All the "he seemed so nice then turned asshole" stories.

The only way to be 100% sure it doesn't get out at work is not to date coworkers in the first place.

The only way to be 100% sure a “used to be nice and now asshole” situation doesn't happen with a coworker you both will STILL have to see daily at work after a break up is not an issue? Is not to date a coworker in the first place.


And right now he's divorcing. He's got his OWN problems without adding Open to the mix.

Then she said she's worried I can't handle an open arrangement based on my response about not being able to handle her even kissing him.

I said no I just feel we need to research this more and talk a lot more before we jump into it.

THIS. That is sensible. To slow down and research this more, talk more.

Why are you RUSHING into this?

Where's the fire?

I explained I don't need a open relationship with everything else going on in our lives. She said me either so there you go case closed.

GOOD. Case closed for now. Revisit later when not so stressy.

I finally told her I don't want to start this off controlling your first date. If you honestly feel the chemistry and want to kiss him. Go for it. If he tries to kiss you then go for it. Then we'll know where you stand with everything.

Stop waffling back and forth.

Stop worrying about "seeming controlling.”

Backing off would be more sensible to me. Do the prep work FIRST.

Exercising healthy boundaries to avoid unnecesssary crap in your life is not being controlling. It's avoiding crap in your life that can be avoided!

I think dating a coworker in the same dept is potential crap that CAN be avoided. She sounds willing to skip it. So agree to skip it. There, done!

That's not saying “No, never” to Open.

That's saying “That could be a BIG crap hole if it goes wahoonie. There's enough problems in life already. Let's skip that one.”

Some things you are overthinking and other things you are underthinking.

SLOW THIS DOWN.

Galagirl

 

[ThinBlueLine]

I appreciate all the input and feedback so far

So for those wondering why don't we just push back the wedding that's not an option. Her family obviously is not in the know and we booked a very expensive venue wedding invites already sent out it's 4 months away we'd lose our 12k deposit on the venue and that's just not an option.

So for an update we talked more this morning about Friday

I asked her what's the emergency for this why do this now? She said there isn't one but do we really want to wait until there is an emergency before exploring this?

I found out she is enjoying the chase part of it all. He is likely being respectful of our relationship and hasn't tried anything with her not even sexting or flirting.

That makes her even more curious about him because of it. She also said it's a natural thing to feel that chase or feel wanted.

She admitted lately our sex life has been somewhat routine whereas before we had time for bdsm and other kinky things. Soon we're going to complete opposite days off so that's a concern.

I brought up how I had reservations about it being a co worker and she said she understands but it's one of those things we'd have to talk to him and make sure it doesn't get out or no feelings involved if or when it ends.

I brought up a dating website and asked her fears.

She said she's afraid I'll leave her for another woman, she's afraid I'll constantly be on the dating site which I said why we set parameters for that.

She said she's afraid it's like opening pandoras box and that I'll be talking to multiple women at once and she isn't doing that. We have someone to compare me to in B and she said she could never be with him long term because they don't agree on anything.


I reasurred her I wouldn't leave her and I know that because she gives me everything and then some. I know in my heart I only want her love and Noone can take that away as cheesy as that sounds.

I told her if you have an issue with me on a dating app you can do it as well. She said I don't want that it's easier for guys to find a girl on a dating site because guys want sex. Girls want feelings or emotions.

I told her how difficult it would be for me to go randomly find what she found with B. That there aren't female co workers I talk to and have that with.

I also explained I don't have that I'm in an open relationship looking for this written on my shirt.

Whereas a dating website does display that info so people know going in. Instead of a blind date at a bar where you talk and then drop that bomb and it's over.

I know I'm rambling but I think if I'm following my honest gut feeling.

I think we should put this entire thing trial run and all on the back burner so we can focus on each other and our new home and new marriage and not share that with anyone but us.

I'm going to convey that to her today and see how she responds.

 

[PolyNatural]

Forewarning I'm probably going to rant a lot so bear with me. I am new to the open relationship concept and have been doing independent research from reading articles to websites and now I'm hoping to receive more advice/input from those who are in open marriages/relationships themselves ...

Don't worry about ranting! It's good for the soul ;-)
Maybe something useful here.

 

[ElMango]

I brought up how I had reservations about it being a co worker and she said she understands but it's one of those things we'd have to talk to him and make sure it doesn't get out or no feelings involved if or when it ends.

But WHAT IF IT ENDS BADLY? Best laid plans do go astray.

She said she's afraid I'll leave her for another woman, she's afraid I'll constantly be on the dating site which I said why we set parameters for that.

She said she's afraid it's like opening pandoras box and that I'll be talking to multiple women at once and she isn't doing that. We have someone to compare me to in B and she said she could never be with him long term because they don't agree on anything.

She doesn't sound ready either tbh. I think she needs to do way more research and soul searching too.

It sounds like she's being a bit controlling about the dating website.

I think we should put this entire thing trial run and all on the back burner so we can focus on each other and our new home and new marriage and not share that with anyone but us.

I'm going to convey that to her today and see how she responds.

Don't waffle. Read Gala's and SlowPoly's post again and again.

There is no fire.