Not sure where yhis belongs but...

Valynn

Valynn

Active member
My son Dexus & I have a really good relationship. I told him he could come to me with any questions and I would try to provide an answer.

Two says ago he threw me for a loop.

He asked me about Poly and told me that he and his friend Carlos have been seeing the same girl, Emily. Carlos is going to college in Pennsylvania and knows about Dexus & Emily. Carlos has brought up Poly to both of them. All of them seem to be on board to become a V relationship. And Dexus wants advice.

So now I am doing the same here LOL. How can I help my son with this transition, and give him the best advice I can. I have told him about this website & how you all have helped me navigate my blunders. He said he'd keep it in mind.
 
Well, what kind of advice does he need? It sounds like they have already been doing a V type of setup, so the only change seems to be Carlos moving away. Unless Dexus and Carlos had previously been unaware that Emily was dating both of them...Is there something he’s worried about? have things been going well so far?
 
Hi Valynn,

Tell your son that communication is the most important part of poly (next to mutual consent), both quantity and quality. Depending on whether this is going to be kitchen table poly or parallel poly, they may want to all three sit down together and have a talk. Talk about their feelings, needs, goals, and expectations. If it's parallel poly, they should still sit down two at a time and talk. Another thing to talk about is the, "What are we?" talk. Are we just dating? Is it a serious relationship? Do we want to make commitments to each other in the relationship? now or later? Is it poly? Is it a V? Will Carlos going to college in Pennsylvania have an effect on the relationship structure? Is there a relationship structure, or is it all just light dating for now?

The outcome of these talks, and the answers to those questions, will play a role in deciding what advice I would give going forward. Exploring this forum would definitely be part of that advice. Also the Poly FAQ page would be a good place to start. Another thing to talk about would be rules, agreements, and boundaries going forward. Is this going to be a closed V? Will the three of them be free to date outside the V? What (if any) will be the conditions of that dating? Will it be possible to expand the V into an N, M, etc.? What about safer sex practices? birth control? etc.

Some people prefer to not have any rules, to eschew terminology (outside "we're friends"), and to practice relationship anarchy. This is another legitimate road they can follow, and they can decide which way they want to go. But they do want to get on the same page, to arrive at common understandings. Just one of the reasons why communication is so important. Never assume! Get/give confirmation. That would be my advice for now.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
MsEmotional said:
Well, what kind of advice does he need? It sounds like they have already been doing a V type of setup, so the only change seems to be Carlos moving away. Unless Dexus and Carlos had previously been unaware that Emily was dating both of them...Is there something he’s worried about? have things been going well so far?
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Carlos is about to return to NY after graduating college soon. They all knew about this before Carlos went into college & Dexus had entered the Navy. I do not think he's worried per se. Just he wants to know were he stands and what to expect. Knowledge is power sort of thing.
 
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kdt26417 said:
Hi Valynn,

Tell your son that communication is the most important part of poly (next to mutual consent), both quantity and quality. Depending on whether this is going to be kitchen table poly or parallel poly, they may want to all three sit down together and have a talk. Talk about their feelings, needs, goals, and expectations. If it's parallel poly, they should still sit down two at a time and talk. Another thing to talk about is the, "What are we?" talk. Are we just dating? Is it a serious relationship? Do we want to make commitments to each other in the relationship? now or later? Is it poly? Is it a V? Will Carlos going to college in Pennsylvania have an effect on the relationship structure? Is there a relationship structure, or is it all just light dating for now?

The outcome of these talks, and the answers to those questions, will play a role in deciding what advice I would give going forward. Exploring this forum would definitely be part of that advice. Also the Poly FAQ page would be a good place to start. Another thing to talk about would be rules, agreements, and boundaries going forward. Is this going to be a closed V? Will the three of them be free to date outside the V? What (if any) will be the conditions of that dating? Will it be possible to expand the V into an N, M, etc.? What about safer sex practices? birth control? etc.

Some people prefer to not have any rules, to eschew terminology (outside "we're friends"), and to practice relationship anarchy. This is another legitimate road they can follow, and they can decide which way they want to go. But they do want to get on the same page, to arrive at common understandings. Just one of the reasons why communication is so important. Never assume! Get/give confirmation. That would be my advice for now.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Generally I have been saying all of this. I just wanted to make sure I was setting him on 'the right path' so to speak. I know that everyone's poly experiance isn't going to be the same. But if I can give him enough information so this is a good experience & example I will feel better.
 
That's really cool. I take he is aware that you are poly? At least he has a leg up on people not familiar with it.
 
vinsanity0 said:
That's really cool. I take he is aware that you are poly? At least he has a leg up on people not familiar with it.
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Yes, I am openly poly with all my family. I want to be as honest as I can.
 
Valynn said:
Carlos is about to return to NY after graduating college soon. They all knew about this before Carlos went into college & Dexus had entered the Navy. I do not think he's worried per se. Just he wants to know were he stands and what to expect. Knowledge is power sort of thing.
Click to expand...

That makes sense. I think that it sounds like things have been going well. I suppose if the reason he is asking about it now is that the word “polyamory” is being used now, that would be my biggest piece of advice: communicate clearly about what these terms mean. That can be one of the hardest parts of polyamory — that different individuals have different ideas in their mind when they use the term (and others, like “safe sex” and “open communication” and “kitchen table” and even “ethical” — there are so many shades of meaning to these terms).
 
FallenAngelina said:
This is better than any advice you could possibly give. The influence and inspiration of a life well lived goes way beyond the capacity of words.
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Thanks Fallen Angelina. I like being a lead be example type person anyway. I was already doing this with JR, I am just going to include my son in it as well. I just wanted to be sure that I was doing the right thing.
 
MsEmotional said:
That makes sense. I think that it sounds like things have been going well. I suppose if the reason he is asking about it now is that the word “polyamory” is being used now, that would be my biggest piece of advice: communicate clearly about what these terms mean. That can be one of the hardest parts of polyamory — that different individuals have different ideas in their mind when they use the term (and others, like “safe sex” and “open communication” and “kitchen table” and even “ethical” — there are so many shades of meaning to these terms).
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I told Dexus that he needs to sit all involved down and really talk about where they are, what they expect & how they all fit into each person's future goals.

Both Dexus and Carlos are using condoms. I know cause I am the type of mom that will not judge, PLUS I instilled that I expect Dexus to protect himself. I just met Emily so I haven't gotten a time to make sure she is well versed yet. lol
I already know that they are going to share an apartment together. Whether or not they're relationship status/configuration together should be established before hand IMO.
 
Re:
"I already know that they are going to share an apartment together."
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When you say "they," do you mean Dexus, Emily, and Carlos, or just Dexus and Emily?
 
kdt26417 said:
Re:


When you say "they," do you mean Dexus, Emily, and Carlos, or just Dexus and Emily?
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Carlos, Dexus & Emily. As well as another friend not involved, Pedro.
 
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Okay, thanks, that helps.

And I agree with you, they should sit down together and figure out what they are to each other before moving in together. If they're going to share an apartment together, that sounds to me like kitchen table poly, though I suppose it could still be parallel.

Sharing an apartment involves other more-mundane (than relationship) stuff, like who's going to do what chores and when, and whether there's going to be noise in the apartment after such-and-such a certain time (while others are trying to sleep). And so on. Living together is a complex undertaking. (On top of poly.)
 
The living together bit sounds really complicated, imo, but you know your son. I am not sure most adults could handle a cohabitating vee plus another person. I'd recommend a LOT of conversation where people talk about their needs, wants, expectations, and boundaries.
 
They've all probably discussed this, but in that situation I'd want to discuss beforehand what the expectations were in the event any of the relationships broke up. I'd also want to have conversations about shared space, privacy for self and dyads as well as respecting Pedro.

A regular house catch up over a meal once a week or so might be useful, esp at the start.

Hope it all works out well for your son!
 
fuchka said:
They've all probably discussed this, but in that situation I'd want to discuss beforehand what the expectations were in the event any of the relationships broke up. I'd also want to have conversations about shared space, privacy for self and dyads as well as respecting Pedro.

A regular house catch up over a meal once a week or so might be useful, esp at the start.

Hope it all works out well for your son!
Click to expand...

The three have talked it out. I do not know if Pedro knows the dynamics as of yet.

I was going to suggest a house meeting or something similar. And thanks for the encouragement.
 
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