Children and Sexy visitors

AlwaysGrowing said:
Our kiddo is only 4, but she is VERY vocal about who she does and does not want in her space. I would say invite people over for a platonic only, short visit the first time to make sure kids feel safe enough. If kids have no objections, then person can come back for sexy time. If kid does not feel safe or have other legitimate objections, person only comes over when kid is not home.

That's how we do it. If plans are made with disliked person when kid has other plans, kid gets to decide if she'd rather be around person or not but does not get to affect other people's plans -like this weekend kid and I had plans with a friend. Disliked person was coming to see Hubby. Kid wanted to change plans to stay home. We said fine, but so and so WILL be here because dad also made plans. Kid chose to not be around disliked person and stick to original plans.
Click to expand...

I don't know that I'd want to give a 4 year old control over who comes to my house. I've always made it clear to Kiddo (he's 10) that I'm a person and not just a mom, and yup, that means I get to have friends around if I want them. I guess I'd wonder why this person is so disliked- did they do something to my child that needs addressing? Because kids tend to be pretty easygoing. If Kiddo didn't want to be around my friends, he's welcome to go to his room or be in a different space. Kiddo's space is his room; he doesn't dictate the whole house!

I just can't imagine having people that I'm willing to fuck but not be willing/able to socialize with them in my home without it being sexy time. That totally breaks my brain. What, do they wear giant flashing stickers that says "we're only here for casual sex"? I don't see how there is a problem if everyone behaves respectfully. I agree with ref that this thread seems really odd/blown out of proportion. And the idea of calling them "sexy visitors" even weirder. They're also human beings, I assume :p
 
Vicki82 said:
And the idea of calling them "sexy visitors" even weirder.
Click to expand...

OP also referred to them as "sexy tourists" in her most recent installment of this session.:rolleyes: <-- I had to use this because there is no emoticon for "barf" on this forum.
 
Vicki82 said:
I don't know that I'd want to give a 4 year old control over who comes to my house. I've always made it clear to Kiddo (he's 10) that I'm a person and not just a mom, and yup, that means I get to have friends around if I want them. I guess I'd wonder why this person is so disliked- did they do something to my child that needs addressing? Because kids tend to be pretty easygoing. If Kiddo didn't want to be around my friends, he's welcome to go to his room or be in a different space. Kiddo's space is his room; he doesn't dictate the whole house!

I just can't imagine having people that I'm willing to fuck but not be willing/able to socialize with them in my home without it being sexy time. That totally breaks my brain. What, do they wear giant flashing stickers that says "we're only here for casual sex"? I don't see how there is a problem if everyone behaves respectfully. I agree with ref that this thread seems really odd/blown out of proportion. And the idea of calling them "sexy visitors" even weirder. They're also human beings, I assume :p
Click to expand...

She dislikes the person specifically because this person significantly changes parental attention patterns. Person does not have the energy for a kid 95% of the time so kid ends up feeling unwelcome (this is partially interpretation of what a 4 year old has communicated to us) which isn't okay in her home. So person is only invited over when kid has other plans.

I am 100% comfortable giving a 4 year old control over who she wants in her home, when she has a valid reason. "I don't like (someone) because they're a boy and I'm a girl." Not a reason. "I don't like (someone) because they play with cars when I want the cars." Not a reason. "I don't like (someone) because they don't want me to play in the living room when they're there and that's where my toys are." Valid reason.

OP, seriously consider the kids. Home = safe. Give them space to express themselves and see what works for your family. My way won't work for everyone. Find your family's best option and be prepared to adapt and change as the family dynamics change.
 
"Do we invite anyone we connect with over to the house during the kids waking hours? Even if we just met the person or they are expressly there for sex (and some socialization of course)?"

I know people parent differently but surely you wouldn't bring someone you barely know to your home so quickly. Some people wouldn't do that without kids being in the equation so I find it surprising someone would consider doing that knowing their are kids around.
 
I feel like there are two separate scenarios being conflated here - one is where the child interacts with a visitor, the other where they do not.

I am very clear with partners that they don't get to hang out with my kid until it's an established relationship - the last time was around six months, but that was several years ago so there's that. If they meet in passing - say I have a birthday party or the person stops by to pick me up, that's not the same thing, but we're not, like, having dinner or hanging out in the living room. And I have a lot of (platonic) friends that come to the house on a regular basis for various reasons so random extra adults aren't unusual in MiniMe's world.

I haven't hit the sleepover point with a new person since MiniMe was old enough to notice, so I'm not sure how I'll handle that. Probably some sort of period after kid meets them and knows they're part of my life where person can sleep over but has to leave early in the morning before kid is up? We'll see.

If it's early in a relationship or something casual, I don't see the problem with someone coming over late at night well after kid is asleep - I've done that before with, for instance, Martial Artist, and kid never knew that someone else was in the house, so it didn't affect him. I still expect that to be possible when he's older due to the layout of the house.

I mean, honestly I'm a bit confused as to why you would want your not-a-relationship people to even hang out while your kids were around - the mindsets are so different for me.
 
icesong said:
I mean, honestly I'm a bit confused as to why you would want your not-a-relationship people to even hang out while your kids were around - the mindsets are so different for me.
Click to expand...

Because friends? I'm perplexed. It's one thing to have kids see someone as a partner pop in and out of their life because that promotes instability. But don't most people have friends come over when kids are awake? What am I missing?

Whether you have sex with them or not, surely they can behave appropriately when necessary.
 
Vicki82 said:
Because friends? I'm perplexed. It's one thing to have kids see someone as a partner pop in and out of their life because that promotes instability. But don't most people have friends come over when kids are awake? What am I missing?
Click to expand...

I think the difference is that I wouldn't refer to my friends as "Sexy visitors." It seems to imply a relationship that isn't really "friends," and may be more that they're in the house for the sex and that's it... which, I would think would be awkward around the children.

Do THEY want to be around the kids? I'd find it odd if they did, but that's based on my assumption that they're not really friends.
 
YouAreHere said:
I think the difference is that I wouldn't refer to my friends as "Sexy visitors." It seems to imply a relationship that isn't really "friends," and may be more that they're in the house for the sex and that's it... which, I would think would be awkward around the children.

Do THEY want to be around the kids? I'd find it odd if they did, but that's based on my assumption that they're not really friends.
Click to expand...

I suppose. I just wouldn't have people like that around my kids at all then. Although I probably wouldn't have them around ME either, because I can't imagine inviting people over for sex in my own home that I wouldn't at least consider friends. If I want to do the stranger thing, I'd go to a swing club.

Having people in my home is a pretty big deal.
 
"Do we invite anyone we connect with over to the house during the kids waking hours? Even if we just met the person or they are expressly there for sex (and some socialization of course)?"

I don't do ONS or the like. Tried it a couple times and realized it's not for me. I personally wouldn't be bringing someone I just met home for sex when my kids are home, sleeping or awake. This is what makes me think that ref might be right about this being a troll. From the sounds of it the parent is the cautious one. As such, I can't imagine that a cautious parent would move partners in without hammering this out first.
 
May well be a troll but I actually find hosting to be something that people simply do not consider sometimes when opening their relationship.

They'll know in advance that they have no plans to have (m)any partners in the family home and fail to consider that the people they are likely to date might have the same conditions. Finances for hotels might be lacking or other agreements like "no sleepovers" might further prevent that.
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
May well be a troll but I actually find hosting to be something that people simply do not consider sometimes when opening their relationship.

They'll know in advance that they have no plans to have (m)any partners in the family home and fail to consider that the people they are likely to date might have the same conditions. Finances for hotels might be lacking or other agreements like "no sleepovers" might further prevent that.
Click to expand...

I hosted when my kids were elsewhere.... a sleepover with friends, their father's house, or grandparents.... until the relationship was more established. Then I'd introduce my kids and we'd all hang out.
 
Vicki82 said:
I suppose. I just wouldn't have people like that around my kids at all then. Although I probably wouldn't have them around ME either, because I can't imagine inviting people over for sex in my own home that I wouldn't at least consider friends. If I want to do the stranger thing, I'd go to a swing club.

Having people in my home is a pretty big deal.
Click to expand...

Ahhhh, I would totally have a hookup with a relative stranger in my house after everyone's in bed. In many ways I'd feel safer doing that than going to their place - after all, if I scream (errr, in a not having fun way) there's a large guy gonna be beating down the bedroom door in approximately 60 seconds. Not that THAT would be great from the not traumatizing the kid point of view, but it's better than me strangled in a ditch somewhere.
 
Vicki82 said:
Because friends? I'm perplexed. It's one thing to have kids see someone as a partner pop in and out of their life because that promotes instability. But don't most people have friends come over when kids are awake? What am I missing?

Whether you have sex with them or not, surely they can behave appropriately when necessary.
Click to expand...

I totally have friends over when kids are awake! But I tend to start relationships from a place of "we're not really friends yet, but holy hell there's chemistry let's do something with it." And *that* is the stage that I don't want to involve my son.
 
I think I understand why people are thinking this is a troll, I was trying very hard to write it from a neutral position so that I fairly represent both parties.

Instead let me tell you what happened and my reaction and maybe that is easier to talk about then.

About 6 months ago my two children and I moved in with the couple I am seeing. We bought a house together and they have basically adopted the kids as their own. (My kids love them just as much as they love the kids.)

They always had a very open door policy, any person that came into the house was likely someone they had sexual interest in or a friend (that, most often there was also sexual connections with). They also hosted orgies and other things like that. They love hosting and the house was well suited for that.

I, on the other hand, was always super careful with the kids and other people. The kids didn't meet most partners I had until it was at least 3 months into the relationship and I never had exclusively sexy friends people meet the kids at all. As a single parent without a huge amount of support around I did host partners at my house for dates sometimes while the kids were sleeping but I was always very careful with that.

We definitely discussed this a lot before moving in together. We had planned to have a small apartment for sexy stuff but due to life never following your well laid plans, we ended up not having that as an option. So we made do. Things were going well, my girlfriend was very careful not to introduce her new boyfriend until things were serious and when we did have other people over, they were usually well established friends. We also set up a plan to let me have a night I spend away and they also have a night to spend somewhere else.

Last week, I was on my away day and get a message that they were going to host their 'first sexy visitor'. My boyfriend had met a woman he was very into at the sex party my partners were at the night before. She was passing though our hometown and my boyfriend wanted to invite her over. I replied that I hoped that they had a good time but that I didn't want the kids to see or hear it. (Unfortunately, I should have clarified with HER, rather than It but I guess I had thought we were on the same page about this.)

The next day I found out that he had invited her to come over whenever she wanted, for dinner or whatever. She ended up coming just before the kids went to bed. Because I had never met her, and because she was very clearly a temporary visitor I was furious that they had let her come before the kids were in bed.

When I brought it up, he didn't think he had done anything wrong and feels like we should still always have an open door policy.

Obviously I wasn't as clear in my feelings about this as I thought I was. He feels like its his house too and he should be able to entertain whom ever, whenever he wants too. And that by only letting people come after the kids are in bed that it implies we are hiding them and that its a dirty thing (and in his words very sex negative). Also his argument is that my screening new people the kids meet keeps the children from meeting new interesting people and that this just shows my distrust in them when it comes to new people. And true, I am more unsure of new people, I have anxiety around that so I know its amplifying my feelings about it.

Given all that, however, I do feel like I have every right to ask them not to bring people over like that. They both disagree.

So, I am here. Trying to see what other people do with this, other opinions. Or am I just being unreasonable? My first priority is to do what is right for my kids. To help them grow up health, happy, and safe.

I hope this helps clear things up a little.
Thanks!
 
Move out.

In my opinion, I agree with you, an orgy house full of random hookup people is not the place to raise kids. They are your kids. You have the right to say what you want them exposed to.

Your bf (let's call him Hef), wants to have random hookup sex partners over whenever he wants? He can want that and do that. It's his house.

He can talk about HIS opinion of what constitutes or doesn't constitute sex positivity. But he has no right to show off his sex partners to YOUR kids.

Your kids, your rules.

His house, his rules.

Completely on different pages.

Move out.
 
That makes sense. Honestly, if it were my kids and my partner was unwilling to compromise, I'd probably be moving out. I realize that I'm more cautious than many.

ETA: My son's room mate hosted a guy he'd met only once before. The guy seemed rational but after two drinks went crazy, started threatening everyone. The police had to be called. They were all traumatized by it. I realize this is probably a rare occurrence but it's the type of thing I was trying to avoid my kids potentially witnessing.
 
Last edited:
Do these people have kids?


My nephew and niece in their early 20s (total millennials) are pissing off the entire family because they've suddenly started seeing themselves as the ideal people to raise children and worse, tell other people how to bring theirs up. They have all these stupid ideas about allowing independence and choice that will have the child services breathing down your neck. I can imagine them saying something like this.
 
They do not have children. We are all in our mid to late 30's and they have wanted children for a long time but never had the right situation to act on that wish. They have many ideas on how children should be raised but do (usually) respect my opinion in this matter. Granted they have a lot of commentary. ;)
 
Magdlyn said:
Move out.

In my opinion, I agree with you, an orgy house full of random hookup people is not the place to raise kids. They are your kids. You have the right to say what you want them exposed to.

Your bf (let's call him Hef), wants to have random hookup sex partners over whenever he wants? He can want that and do that. It's his house.

He can talk about HIS opinion of what constitutes or doesn't constitute sex positivity. But he has no right to show off his sex partners to YOUR kids.

Your kids, your rules.

His house, his rules.

Completely on different pages.

Move out.
Click to expand...


I will if we can't find a solution to this.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top