Children and Sexy visitors

[vinsanity0]

Calling that "sex negative" is pure bs. I can't imagine anyone feeling that way. That sounds like an attempt at manipulation. Any reasonable guest would understand waiting.

So, you're saying you moved in there with a clear set of boundaries. Then they ignored those boundaries with no discussion. It's up to you to enforce your own boundaries. It sounds like they are pulling the couple card on you. Suddenly it's their house, their rules? That doesn't sound like what was agreed to.

 

[ref2018]

It sounds like they are pulling the couple card on you. Suddenly it's their house, their rules?

Even worse than "their house their rules"—it's "everyone's house, but our rules because there are two of us and only one of you". Which shows that they don't consider the children as "real" people.

 

[Magdlyn]

What also scares me is, if a "sexy visitor" is male, and is all horned up, and sees the teenagers (if they are female, or a gender he is attracted to of any kind), and the kids look mature (as some teens can), and he thinks they are up for grabs too, and does something inappropriate. Even if the kid is in bed asleep, this could happen, especially if he was drunk. (Something similar once happened to my 12 year old, 5'7" daughter when she was at a friend's birthday sleepover party, and it traumatized her for life...)

Of course, this could happen with a female random hookup person too, but it's much more likely to happen with a guy.

 

[YouAreHere]

Thanks for clarifying!
Hopefully, since this is the first time it's happened, once your GF and BF get less defensive about the whole thing, you can all recover from this. Still, making sure you and your children are adequately represented as equal members of this household is truly important.

Last week, I was on my away day and get a message that they were going to host their 'first sexy visitor'. My boyfriend had met a woman he was very into at the sex party my partners were at the night before. She was passing though our hometown and my boyfriend wanted to invite her over.

Two thoughts here:
1: You were notified (by text?) when you were away, rather than your BF thinking that maybe it'd be good to talk about it first (given the talks you all had prior to moving in together)? Your BF isn't living alone with your GF any more. There are other people living in the house to be *generally considerate* of. You don't want that? Don't move people in.

2: He met this woman the day before, and... did he even tell her there were kids in the house, or what to expect? Or was she blindsided?

Sounds very impulsive, at least in this instance. Then, when called on it, he got defensive. At least, that's how it comes across to me...

Also his argument is that my screening new people the kids meet keeps the children from meeting new interesting people and that this just shows my distrust in them when it comes to new people.

Um, no. I call bullshit on this. This is someone being defensive and throwing out reasons that this is your fault and not his.

My friends are infinitely more interesting to me than they are to my kids. I don't consider it a favor to them to introduce them to my friends... they probably couldn't care less. And these are my friends!

Strangers? Fuck, no. And I'm extroverted as hell! And my kids are 19 and 16!

This is supposed to be your kids' home too, no? Do they feel like they can be comfortable in their own home if the presence of new people is going to be the norm? Are you going to be comfortable?

One of the worst things is going home to a place where you don't feel comfortable or welcome. I agree with the others - if this is going to be a sticking point, moving out would be for the best.

 

[Almea]

Thank you everyone for your input and support. The next bit will be tough but I feel better knowing how other people who also are in poly families see this situation.

 

[Magdlyn]

Thank you everyone for your input and support. The next bit will be tough but I feel better knowing how other people who also are in poly families see this situation.

I'm not sure, but you may be coming from a typical mindset for a female secondary. Since the original couple has been together longer and owns the house, etc., you feel their opinions and preferences for life choices (which involve you) take precedence over your own.

Reflect on why you moved yourself and your children in to this house. Did you plan to live as a "secondary" all your life, thinking you deserve less rights, and less autonomy? Or are you now a co-primary, with a full 1/3 say in how things go?

You might even have more than a 1/3 say, since you brought 2 other people into this house, which is now YOUR house. Speak up. Read this article.

https://www.morethantwo.com/polyforsecondaries.html

 

[Almea]

I'm not sure, but you may be coming from a typical mindset for a female secondary. Since the original couple has been together longer and owns the house, etc., you feel their opinions and preferences for life choices (which involve you) take precedence over your own.

Reflect on why you moved yourself and your children in to this house. Did you plan to live as a "secondary" all your life, thinking you deserve less rights, and less autonomy? Or are you now a co-primary, with a full 1/3 say in how things go?

You might even have more than a 1/3 say, since you brought 2 other people into this house, which is now YOUR house. Speak up. Read this article.

https://www.morethantwo.com/polyforsecondaries.html

I will definitely look at this and think on it. Although the couple had been together a long time, I never felt like a secondary. The idea is that we are all three are all primaries with each other and that is what I did it for. Especially when it comes to the children, I do expect to have the lions share of the say and rights (and we agreed on this before the move too).

Granted, in all fairness, Sharing any of the say in how things go has been a hard adjustment for me since I've been living on my own with the kids for a decade before this move...

But this might also be something that is an undercurrent which I was not aware of. Thank you a lot for pointing it out.

 

[Magdlyn]

I will definitely look at this and think on it. Although the couple has been together a long time, I never felt like a secondary. The idea is that we are all three primaries, and that is what I did it for.

Especially when it comes to the children, I do expect to have the lion's share on the say and rights (and we agreed on this before the move too).

Granted, in all fairness, sharing any of the say in how things go has been a hard adjustment for me, since I'd been living on my own with the kids for a decade before this move.

But this might also be an undercurrent, which I was not aware of. Thank you a lot for pointing it out.

You're welcome!

 

[Tinwen]

I think it might be too early to say if you should be moving out.

It was the first unknown visitor after 6 months. It was a bit of a scarce opportunity for your partner, since she was just passing on the way. He invited her over, you got angry, he got defensive. It's a relationship hiccup with poor conflict resolution in the moment.

It's very likely that the kids meeting a visitor for a few minutes is not a huge issue - especially if that happens every few months. Aunt and uncle have someone over. So what.

The issue are the what if's. What if there is a sexy visit every week? What if the kids feel unwelcome? What if some new person misbehaves?

But did any harm happen this time? No.

The couple doesn't have kids, so they are unlikely to have the same streak of "what if's" in their heads. They don't think there was anything wrong, because no real harm was done.

Sit down with them, and do a very down-to-earth risk assessment with an open mind. They may get to see the impact this could have on the kids. You may find out by discussing with them, that some of your concerns are getting less valid as the kids are getting older. Like, if you can agree on reasonable precautions, perhaps the boundary doesn't need to be a "never".

Or maybe, next time your partner takes that woman out for dinner first.
(When you negotiate, it can help offer them solutions on how to meet their need for spontaneity while respecting your children's safety.)

They seemed sensible so far. Don't judge their character on a single incident - unless stuff has been adding up. But yeah, even if it seems like you're reaching a rational agreement but you're still not feeling good about it, do trust your gut.