Have you ever been accused of being "bad at poly"? When/why?

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SEASONEDpolyAgain

Well-known member
Just that really. Have you ever been accused of being a cow person or generally bad at poly by a partner or metamour? What was the situation?

There's been a few times for me. The most significant time was when I only had one quite new partner who was in a toxic relationship. A financially and emotionally abusive relationship, really. Soon after we met, they left and as they had nowhere to go, they came and lived with me.

To the local poly community, it looked really bad. I was new to the area, functionally monogamous, and I'd just got with someone in a long term partnership who quickly moved in with me, albeit temporarily. People called me a cowgirl.

However, someone in the local poly community was actually an ex-metamour but we hadn't met in person as they were in a LDR with my then partner. They were able to at least speak up and say that whatever the accusations, I have been involved in healthy poly relationships for a long time.
 
No, i don't have a "local poly community" to accuse me of anything. It's nice.
 
Was this supposed to be posted in General Discussions?
 
MeeraReed said:
Was this supposed to be posted in General Discussions?
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My question too. You can click on the (!) in the upper right corner to get a mod to move it.

I had a STBX poly partner accuse me of being bad at poly and only wanting him to date others the way I dated others. But he was an emotionally abusive narcissistic jerk, as I was soon to find out.

I have thought I was bad at poly from time to time, because sometimes bad or awkward things have happened, but it's all a learning curve!
 
SEASONEDpolyAgain said:
Just that really. Have you ever been accused of being a cow person or generally bad at poly by a partner or metamour? What was the situation?

There's been a few times for me. The most significant time was when I only had one quite new partner who was in a toxic relationship. A financially and emotionally abusive relationship, really. Soon after we met, they left and as they had nowhere to go, they came and lived with me.

To the local poly community, it looked really bad. I was new to the area, functionally monogamous, and I'd just got with someone in a long term partnership who quickly moved in with me, albeit temporarily. People called me a cowgirl.

However, someone in the local poly community was actually an ex-metamour but we hadn't met in person as they were in a LDR with my then partner. They were able to at least speak up and say that whatever the accusations, I have been involved in healthy poly relationships for a long time.
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I've been accused and even punished for my views here ( if that counts ).
 
I was accused of being bad at poly for not wanting to be the one to constantly travel to my partner. She did not drive but there was excellent public transit options. I shared an unreliable vehicle with hubby at the time and was not working so obviously I could ALWAYS come to her where we would get zero privacy and my allergies would kill me for days after (lots of pets that triggered them).

I was also immature and incapable of commitment when I told her (via text because heaven forbid she meet me halfway when said unreliable vehicle was out of commission for two weeks and I'd been very ill so we hadn't seen each other for almost a month and she refused to speak on the phone) that I didn't think we were working because I felt I was putting in more than I was getting.

I was very active in the local community though and luckily people didn't listen to the hatred she and her husband spewed.

I've also called myself bad at poly because of how territorial I can get about my home. Hubby and I have learned to work around it though. Just requires some extra cleaning if he has someone with a distinctive scent visit. Lol
 
LOL. Where do I start?

Sure, by randoms on the internet (because we have a descriptive hierarchy). That made me the devil because that group is primarily solo poly. Doesn't matter that I own property and coparent and such with Henry- the fact that we're not entirely disentangled and open to absolutely anything made us the devil.

Let's see. Oh, because we're 24/7 D/s Henry has been offered a couch to leave me more times than I can count. I've been called abusive at least four or five times by people who have absolutely no understanding of how or why we do things and that everything is absolutely consensual. It actually gave me a mini breakdown at one point because I had to really do some soul searching to see if all these people were calling me out for a reason, did they have a point? But legitimately- they're just fucking crazy, but they sure did a number on me.

Oh, and a close friend of mine who is very Christian and doesn't understand poly accused me of holding Charles back by dating him because it was preventing him from relocating and doing what's best for his career. Last time I checked, Charles has his own autonomy to do what he needs to do.
 
Pink!Girl accused Knight (and by extension me, because I agreed with him) of being terrible, greedy, overly sexual poly people because he didn't want to do closed poly in that quad - I didn't want other partners but I didn't see why he shouldn't, but Pink!Girl was terribly jealous.

Well, I actually did encourage him not to date anyone but that was because I was pretty sure the whole thing was gonna go down the drain if he did... and I was right.
 
There are those, who don't know all there is to know about me and the history of my situation, who, if they did know, would probably accuse me of being bad at poly, or even of not being poly at all. Actually I *have* been accused of not being poly because my V doesn't gel with certain definitions of poly, for example because I'm not romantically involved with my metamour.
 
*have* been accused of not being poly because my V doesn't gel with certain definitions of poly, for example because I'm not romantically involved with my metamour.
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Obviously "your accusers" are the ones who are confused about the definition and practice of polyamory. :D
 
I have been accused of being bad at poly by Angela. Her and I have WIDELY differing views on how to poly. I found out recently that she is going about to mutual friends/ex's that I am trying to cowgirl JR away from her, for revenge. Revenge for what I have no clue, but that is what she is saying at this point.

When JR finally moves out all hell is going to break loose with her. I hope she doesn't do anything stupid. But I never take anything for granted with her.
 
I think there's a big difference between being "accused" of not being poly, and pointing out that according to historical information about polyamory, a situation e.g. a "V" would not qualify, at least not until someone along the way decided to invent the "V" and claim that it fits. To me this is simply objective information about the subject, not an "accusation". I wish people could tell the difference, or at least not assume that because I post such information, that I am evangelizing or placing some personal judgement on them. That is NOT the case.
 
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hedgehog said:
I think there's a big difference between being "accused" of not being poly, and pointing out that according to historical information about polyamory, a situation e.g. a "V" would not qualify, at least not until someone along the way decided to invent the "V" and claim that it fits. To me this is simply objective information about the subject, not an "accusation". I wish people could tell the difference, or at least not assume that because I post such information, that I am evangelizing or placing some personal judgement on them. That is NOT the case.
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I wholeheartedly disagree. Some of the earliest records of polyamory could arguably be polygamy where a man had more than one wife and therefore created a v structure - or a hub with multiple spokes for people with more than 2 wives. Polygamy definitely fits under the umbrella of polyamory in that it is someone having multiple romantic/loving relationships with the consent of all parties. Granted not all polygamy was consensual but there were certainly cases when women were willing participants.

The one true poly bullshit is just that- bullshit. If a vee doesn't qualify as poly then straight people can't be poly unless they find 2 or more bi people to group date? Or couple up then find another couple to swap with, basically, to form a quad? What a load of hooey.
 
Thanks AlwaysGrowing, you said it better than I could have.

And hedgehog, I wasn't talking about you, I was talking about PolyNatural. Is there some reason you got the two confused?
 
AlwaysGrowing said:
I wholeheartedly disagree. Some of the earliest records of polyamory could arguably be polygamy where a man had more than one wife and therefore created a v structure - or a hub with multiple spokes for people with more than 2 wives. Polygamy definitely fits under the umbrella of polyamory in that it is someone having multiple romantic/loving relationships with the consent of all parties. Granted not all polygamy was consensual but there were certainly cases when women were willing participants.

The one true poly bullshit is just that- bullshit. If a vee doesn't qualify as poly then straight people can't be poly unless they find 2 or more bi people to group date? Or couple up then find another couple to swap with, basically, to form a quad? What a load of hooey.
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I think your position deserves as much consideration as anyone else's. I still don't know what the "one true poly" thing is all about. I assume it's some sort of an objection to evangelizing about a particular perspective. Personally, I think people should have the right to express their personal beliefs in a respectful manner without persecution, but it's not my forum, and I don't make the rules. I've seen many examples where polygamy is rejected as falling under the polyamory umbrella. You reject that position. That's interesting to me, because there are many different perspectives, and sifting through them in a logical fashion to distill out what makes sense is something I enjoy doing. That being said, the results that come from that effort don't necessarily match my own personal views, so I wouldn't think that it would qualify as "one true poly-ing", but then again, who knows? Why is a search for answers that are true so frowned upon here?
 
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The one true poly bullshit is just that- bullshit. If a vee doesn't qualify as poly then straight people can't be poly unless they find 2 or more bi people to group date? Or couple up then find another couple to swap with, basically, to form a quad? What a load of hooey.
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Well said - very few polyamorists would argue that a V is not true poly. In fact, I'm trying to figure out how anyone would even draw that conclusion. Obviously the hinge is poly as that the hinge has two lovers - but then somehow we are going to say that the hinges are not poly because they don't currently have multiple lovers - or because they are not involved together in a triad. Obviously if they have the capacity and ability to have multiple loving, consensual relationships - they are still poly, whether they actually have multiple relationships at any given time or not - at least according to the most widely accepted understanding. And the hinges certainly would not have to be involved with each other to "qualify as poly".

Al
 
I've seen many examples where polygamy is rejected as falling under the polyamory umbrella
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Seems to me that polygamy could qualify as polyamorous if there is true consent - and I am certain that in some polygamous marriages, true consent does exist, and the polyamory label would apply.

Unfortunately, through the ages, and even today, polygamy has often been practiced in an oppressive patriarchal mode - where true consent does not actually exist (coerced consent is not true consent) - and in these cases it would obviously not qualify as polyamorous.

A few more cents worth.

Al
 
hedgehog said:
I think there's a big difference between being "accused" of not being poly, and pointing out that according to historical information about polyamory, a situation e.g. a "V" would not qualify, at least not until someone along the way decided to invent the "V" and claim that it fits. To me this is simply objective information about the subject, not an "accusation". I wish people could tell the difference, or at least not assume that because I post such information, that I am evangelizing or placing some personal judgement on them. That is NOT the case.
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What you call objective is subjective.
 
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