Married lesbian with a Bi wife

I think the OPP thing received a negative reputation from the aspect of it being a double standard. Where one partner can have sex with any gender while the other partner is forbidden to...

In this case, Polygirl (despite her name) is claiming that she is monogamous. As I read it, she stretched her own morals thin to enter into poly-space for her partner and has now hit a brick wall inside of poly-space. Therefore, it does not seem as much like a double standard as a personal standard. We all have our limits... I personally think its okay to know your limits. My advice would be the same for any gender in the same situation.

To recommend that someone bend so far out of one’s own comfort zone could possibly lead to poly hell, right?

Polygirl, my advice is to know your limits, be informed, be true to yourself, and be supportive of your wife doing the same for herself. This might mean that you are fundamentally mismatched. It is a difficult realization to deal with. Have compassion for yourself and your partner; it is not malice on the part of either of you that brought you to this moment. You both deserve happy and healthy relationships.
 
Inaniel said:
I think the OPP thing received a negative reputation from the aspect of it being a double standard. Where one partner can have sex with any gender while the other partner is forbidden to...
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But it _is_ still a double standard, just the opposite one. One partner can have sex with people with all the genders they desire to, the other has to ignore half or more of the people they are potentially attracted to.
 
icesong said:
But it _is_ still a double standard, just the opposite one. One partner can have sex with people with all the genders they desire to, the other has to ignore half or more of the people they are potentially attracted to.
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I disagree. If Polygirl is mono and therefor not having other partners I do not see a double standard.
 
I guess my point on this is be mono, or be poly, but restricting based on gender doesn't entirely make sense as it's reducing people to their genitalia rather than the relationship one has with them - and that's true in either direction.
 
Inaniel said:
As I read it, she stretched her own morals thin to enter into poly-space for her partner and has now hit a brick wall inside of poly-space. Therefore, it does not seem as much like a double standard as a personal standard. We all have our limits... I personally think its okay to know your limits. My advice would be the same for any gender in the same situation.
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Personally, I don't think the "double standard" vs "personal standard" semantic distinction is particularly informative. Call it what you want, the OPP is just a blanked VETO, it just happens to be a blanket VETO on an entire gender.

As with any VETO, it is a statement that:

  1. I am insecure, and your romantic involvement with this particular group/person triggers me
  2. I am not able or willing to deal with this insecurity myself, so you need to adjust your behavior to suit my insecurity

When this standard (double or personal) is put into place, the person who agrees to it is agreeing to take on the responsibility of shielding their partner from potential discomfort. I am against this type of "problem solving", because it doesn't solve any problems. Instead, it stalls out whatever growth could have been possible, and replaces it with obligation and resentment on the part of the partner who is being restricted.

Inaniel said:
To recommend that someone bend so far out of one’s own comfort zone could possibly lead to poly hell, right?
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Regardless of how we feel about a blanket VETO, or other agreements that put the impetus of dealing with insecurity onto outside sources, it's not a good sign. This is a strong indicator that there is a fundamental mismatch, and I see it as a relationship death knell.
 
Marcus, very well said!
 
We could get into a whole lot of feminist philosophy at this point, about how the patriarchal "rape culture" has caused women to feel unsafe for millennia, and how women-only "safe spaces" have arisen to comfort and empower women in the absence of men, and how lesbian culture often has this aspect, etc., etc., yada yada. This is just a fact. So, the "repulsion" might be only biological, or it may encompass deeply held fears and ancient traumas, as well. "Insecure" is a rather bland word to describe this fear of injury and death women face every day.

When het men go on a first date, their most common fear is that the woman will be fat. Women's most common fear facing a new man is of being raped and/or murdered.
 
Magdlyn, Is that a justification for opp in this instance? If so, at what point are someone’s own traumas and hang-ups an appropriate excuse for unfair demands or hurtful behavior?
 
Magdlyn said:
When het men go on a first date, their most common fear is that the woman will be fat. Women's most common fear facing a new man is of being raped and/or murdered.
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And that makes sense as to why one might want to avoid dating het men oneself, or even insist on a parallel situation. It doesn’t make sense as to controlling the entirety of a partner’s dating life if one has no interaction with the potential dates in question.
 
Inaniel said:
Magdlyn, Is that a justification for opp in this instance? If so, at what point are someone’s own traumas and hang-ups an appropriate excuse for unfair demands or hurtful behavior?
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No, but I don't think Polygirl is making unfair demands or necessarily practicing hurtful behavior. She's grieving and venting and I think she deserves support. It's not an easy thing going on here.

She had assumed her marriage was FF mono and now it has changed. Obviously, that is shocking.
 
icesong said:
And that makes sense as to why one might want to avoid dating het men oneself, or even insist on a parallel situation. It doesn’t make sense as to controlling the entirety of a partner’s dating life if one has no interaction with the potential dates in question.
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Is Polygirl trying to control her wife, or is she just trying to come to terms with this big life change? We know we can't control our partners, ethically. We can request things. We can make vows. But vows can be, and are broken as people change. Vows are idealistic. We may not even mean them when we say them, but speak them out of tradition.

I'm just trying to advocate a bit for Polygirl, since lesbians and other queers get attacked enough in our culture as it is. She's upset, she sounds angry, she's probably frustrated and even a little scared of what the future holds as she comes to terms with their conflicting desires and needs.
 
Magdlyn said:
I'm just trying to advocate a bit for Polygirl, since lesbians and other queers get attacked enough in our culture as it is. She's upset, she sounds angry, she's probably frustrated and even a little scared of what the future holds as she comes to terms with their conflicting desires and needs.
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And that’s fair BUT at the same time as you say, lesbians, _bisexuals_, and other queers get attacked enough in our culture... and bisexuals get the attack from both sides. Like, when I _was_ on dating sites I mostly didn’t ever swipe right on lesbian women because I assumed I’d get the same type of rejection so I was saving everyone the time. 🙃
 
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