I posted on here a few months back about preparing to have a conversation about poly with my mono partner of 4 years. I talked to her the other day and it went so so awfully. I wanted to have a broad relationship check in about what our future looks like - I checked in on the subject of having kids, the question of whether we would want to get married -- and then brought the poly discussion up. I mentioned previously that we'd had a conversation about it about a year and a half ago and I thought at the time that it was a difficult but productive conversation, wherein we agreed that it wasn't a good time and I emphasized that it wasn't something we needed to think or continue talking about concretely. The context of that conversation was related to my partner feeling like she wasn't sexual enough to meet my needs --- in my mind, this was one potential avenue of exploration that could take pressure off of her.
I shared in this convo that it had been coming up as a curiosity for me over the last several months, and I wanted to revisit the conversation because of that. Since we had the original talk, I hadn't brought it up and I hadn't heard her express anything one way or the other about it. I found out in this conversation that our original talk had a really intense impact on her and that she had privately been putting a ton of pressure on herself to be okay with the idea of poly, while also continuing to feel guilty and inadequate about her low sex drive. This really broke my heart because it's been so important to me to go out of my way to validate her whenever she would say she wasn't in the mood or need to stop partway through being sexual.
It was my intention to bring this up again as another opportunity to check in about it. She basically said that she is not okay with it... and that it would need to be something we went on a break if I want to explore. Because of the fact that I brought it up again it was really upsetting for her, and when I told her that with the joy that I get out of other dimensions of our relationship that it was okay, that I was willing to accept that boundary, she's not willing to accept that and is expressing her lack of faith in the compatibility of our partnership, is convinced that I need to explore poly on my own, and doesn't trust me when I say that I'm willing to compromise. I'm so fucking sad right now. I'm so sad that she felt like she needed to force herself to be something she isn't, that she didn't express what she was experiencing so much earlier so that I would have been aware of that. I would have understood earlier that I needed to choose between being mono with her and exploring poly -- and would have known how emotionally sensitive the topic was for her.
This morning we were talking and she was using the analogy of someone coming out as gay in a hetero partnership - that there can still be love there but that the relationship has to transition. I said that it felt more like being bi-curious/bisexual - that it's possible to have a curiosity about the same sex and not actualize its exploration if you're in a partnership that you are happy with and are willing to make that sacrifice.
I'm feeling particularly fucked up because she is wanting to talk to her friends to get support for this challenging moment for her -- this morning she said she was convinced that if she brought up our conversation the friends she wants support from would probably be very judgmental of me and have a soured view of our relationship. She said this about her parents too, who I have a really special relationship with :''-( . I feel foolish for not thinking more deeply about all the angles, I hadn't even considered that this conversation could lead to me being outed against my will - and also outed for literally bringing up a curiosity in conversation, not even being a practicing poly person.
If you're reading this, thank you. I think I'm just looking for some validation and empathy, to be seen and to know that I'm not alone in this kind of experience.
PS I am lucky to have a few close friends who I was able to get nonjudgemental support from. That I'm grateful for.
I shared in this convo that it had been coming up as a curiosity for me over the last several months, and I wanted to revisit the conversation because of that. Since we had the original talk, I hadn't brought it up and I hadn't heard her express anything one way or the other about it. I found out in this conversation that our original talk had a really intense impact on her and that she had privately been putting a ton of pressure on herself to be okay with the idea of poly, while also continuing to feel guilty and inadequate about her low sex drive. This really broke my heart because it's been so important to me to go out of my way to validate her whenever she would say she wasn't in the mood or need to stop partway through being sexual.
It was my intention to bring this up again as another opportunity to check in about it. She basically said that she is not okay with it... and that it would need to be something we went on a break if I want to explore. Because of the fact that I brought it up again it was really upsetting for her, and when I told her that with the joy that I get out of other dimensions of our relationship that it was okay, that I was willing to accept that boundary, she's not willing to accept that and is expressing her lack of faith in the compatibility of our partnership, is convinced that I need to explore poly on my own, and doesn't trust me when I say that I'm willing to compromise. I'm so fucking sad right now. I'm so sad that she felt like she needed to force herself to be something she isn't, that she didn't express what she was experiencing so much earlier so that I would have been aware of that. I would have understood earlier that I needed to choose between being mono with her and exploring poly -- and would have known how emotionally sensitive the topic was for her.
This morning we were talking and she was using the analogy of someone coming out as gay in a hetero partnership - that there can still be love there but that the relationship has to transition. I said that it felt more like being bi-curious/bisexual - that it's possible to have a curiosity about the same sex and not actualize its exploration if you're in a partnership that you are happy with and are willing to make that sacrifice.
I'm feeling particularly fucked up because she is wanting to talk to her friends to get support for this challenging moment for her -- this morning she said she was convinced that if she brought up our conversation the friends she wants support from would probably be very judgmental of me and have a soured view of our relationship. She said this about her parents too, who I have a really special relationship with :''-( . I feel foolish for not thinking more deeply about all the angles, I hadn't even considered that this conversation could lead to me being outed against my will - and also outed for literally bringing up a curiosity in conversation, not even being a practicing poly person.
If you're reading this, thank you. I think I'm just looking for some validation and empathy, to be seen and to know that I'm not alone in this kind of experience.
PS I am lucky to have a few close friends who I was able to get nonjudgemental support from. That I'm grateful for.