Walking a new path...

Derbylicious said:
What Ari said...spill the plan lady :)
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There's no real "plan."

I've been doing a lot of reading lately. Books, forums, and absorbing.

Love is a choice.

Happiness is a choice.

I have learned more about who I am. I don't know exactly where I fit on the non-monogamy spectrum, but I did figure out where my issues come from.

Regardless of where I personally end up, I know that I love my husband, he loves me, and his feelings for anyone else don't supersede that-- they add to it. And sometimes, regardless of my feelings and twisty-ness, I need to make the choice to be loving, to be happy. I made that choice this weekend. It's been amazing.

We managed to have a conversation this morning, a potential minefield. At the end of the conversation I didn't have what *I* needed, and both of us were somewhat uncomfortable, but we had the conversation without yelling, screaming, crying or serious stress. It was amazing. It was awesome.

I know that time and successes will give me what I need. And I'm patient enough to wait for it. :)
 
I'm sick. I'm in that in-between place where I could tough it out, go to work and hope to hell I don't get worse, or stay home and take care of myself.

P & W had plans for a visit today at our house. The basics of it all were if I was at work, she was coming over, but if I was at home, she wasn't. So I felt conflicted about taking the time I needed to get well because it would mess up their plans for the day.

I know, logically, that the conflict is all internal. But I, little miss subbie people pleaser, do not want to disappoint or upset others.

He assured me that I should just do what I need to do, and feel comfortable staying home if I need to. It's my home. I don't take days off *just because.* I go to work sick and tired, when I shouldn't. So for me to take a day off, I really am sick.

I still feel bad though, just not bad enough to force myself to go to work :cool:
 
I am... sad. I don't know why.

I'm snuggled up on my couch with my hubby and my youngest boy, watching a movie and eating popcorn. And I'm sad. I have been feeling a pervasive sadness for several days.

I am making some changes, clearing up some clutter, and hoping that I can clear the mental clutter, as well.

*sigh*
 
Maybe it has something to do with being sick. Wait till the sick passes and see if you're less sad when you feel well. <big hugs>
 
Thanks Derby.

I will give it some time. Could be just being sick, plus a few things that happened over the last few days.

I cleared 2 1/2 garbage bags of clothes out of my closet and dresser today. All clothes I didn't like, didn't fit or didn't want. 10 minutes later, someone picked them up. No chance of them making their way back into my closet. :p Put away all my clothes in one dresser and the closet. Can totally declutter an entire dresser tomorrow. :D
 
Physically, the simplest little things take time to heal. A torn cuticle, a bruise, a cut finger, a broken leg. A friend of mine, a year ago, dropped a shelf on her toe, breaking the end of her big toe, and destroying the nail. That is still not healed.

If you are bruised, and if, over several weeks, you are hit over and over in that same spot, the bruise will get bigger, more painful and eventually, your life is overwhelmed with the pain of that bruise. The healing never gets a chance to happen. Eventually, your life becomes all about the massive hematoma.

Emotionally, for me, it works the same. Hurt me, and it takes time to heal. Hurt me over and over and over, and the healing never gets a chance to happen. Eventually, my life becomes all about the hurt.

There are good times in there, happy times, but if they're followed by more pain, it all comes back in force, all the cumulative little things and massively painful things. Like poking a bruise you had sort of forgotten about, until its hit again and the pain blossoms and you remember how much it hurts.

I think about Kattails & 2Rings & MorningGlory, and I wonder if Kattails ever got the time to heal from the initial pain. I understand if she didn't, why she's at the place she's at. Everything is all built up, and life is about pain, regardless of the good times that may happen in between bouts of pain.

I wonder why some people think emotions heal faster than a bruise? (Don't want to generalize, but it seems to be a male trait more than a female one...) Why a single conversation is expected to erase the enormous amount of pain one is feeling? A hug starts the healing process... It doesn't finish it.

I changed my communication style today. I decided to be proactive, and think about what I needed to say to him and how I was going to say it. I preambled, I laid it out, I did my best to curb my tendency to repeat myself, and I told him not only did I not want an answer, what I needed was for him to take the information I had given him, and think about it. I want/need to revisit the conversation when he's had time to think about it. We both need for it to be proactive, not reactive, and find a solution that works.

I want this. I want it to work. I want it to be as good as I've seen it can be. The glimpses of possibilities have been amazing, but right now, I need for the bruises to heal. I just don't know how to do that.
 
I had a major panic attack this morning. It scared the hell out of me, surprised me with its intensity and how unexpected it was. Thank goodness for anti-anxiety meds. The physical symptoms have subsided, but the underlying panic is still there. I haven't had a panic attack that severe in months.

I need to get through today and get home to my love for snuggles and aftercare. :)
 
For the first time in a long time, I feel hope. I feel safe in talking to him again.

The bruise has started to truly heal.

We've contacted a poly-friendly psychologist, and between that, the breakthrough we had last night and the conversation we had this morning, I think that WE are finally in the healing process.
 
That's awesome!!! How did you break the man code? When I talk - all 2rings hears is mwah, mwah, mwah, hurt, mwah, mwah, angry, mwah, mwah! Frustrating!

Glad things are looking up for you guys!
:)
 
KatTails said:
How did you break the man code? When I talk, all 2rings hears is mwah, mwah, mwah, hurt, mwah, mwah, angry, mwah, mwah! Frustrating!
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This is funny. My husband does this too, he just completely zones out and only hears about 2 words. I think a lot of times we spout out TMI (too much information). It doesn't help that I tend to go on and on and on and talk in circles sometimes. :rolleyes: For me, it works better to just tell him "You really hurt me today," and then it's up to him to ask me for the details. When he's asking, he listens to the answers better. I still have to remember to keep my statements short and on point.

@MBG- Totally awesome!!! :D
 
Have you ever tried to be REALLY concise. I mean, skip all the stuff around what you want to say, just say "I don't like this, thanks. Enjoy your beer"

Seriously, might work. I have learned with Pengrah to just stop her when she starts rambling and ask..."sweety, what is the actual point to this conversation"...then I see what she wants and we can discuss.

Instead of getting frustrated over and over again about "only hearing two words"...maybe get your point in, in those 2 words and see what happens. Its hard, trust me I have worked with Pengrah on this, it is completely foreign to those who don't do it. They dance around and weave around topics hoping to not scare or hurt their partner, when all you are doing is disconnecting the story from the point you are trying to make. You will likely find, once the point is made and clear, you can THEN have that discussion.

at least that's how it works for me. This isn't a gender thing, its a communication style difference (unfortunately the dance around the topic style seems to be really prevalent arg). SJ, for example, is very good at bringing the topic to the front, beating the crap out of it and then there is an open discussion.
 
Ariakas said:
Have you ever tried to be REALLY concise? I mean, skip all the stuff around what you want to say, and just say "I don't like this. Thanks. Enjoy your beer."

Seriously, it might work. I have learned with Pengrah to just stop her when she starts rambling and ask, "Sweety, what is the actual point to this conversation?" Then I see what she wants and we can discuss.

Instead of getting frustrated over and over again about "only hearing two words," maybe get your point in, in those 2 words, and see what happens. Its' hard, trust me. I have worked with Pengrah on this. It is completely foreign to those who don't do it. They dance around and weave around topics, hoping to not scare or hurt their partner, when all they are doing is disconnecting the story from the point they are trying to make. You will likely find, once the point is made and clear, you can THEN have that discussion. At least, that's how it works for me.
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Ariakas said:
This isn't a gender thing, its a communication style difference. Unfortunately, the dance around the topic style seems to be really prevalent. Argh. SJ, for example, is very good at bringing the topic to the front, beating the crap out of it, and then there is an open discussion.
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You're right. It's not a gender thing, it's a communication thing.

The problem is that that approach only works if two conditions are present:

1. The person trying to get their point across has a clear understanding of the point. Sometimes it's a matter of having to talk it out to understand it clearly.

2. The person who's "listening" actually hears what's being said, not what he or she WANTS to hear, based on their perception of the situation. Last night Wellington and I had a major breakthrough. In MY perception, I have been saying the same things over and over and over, but he just didn't *GET* it. Apparently last night I was crystal clear. I thought I was saying the same things in the same way, but he got it last night. All of a sudden, I didn't need to repeat myself.

And for the first time in a very long time, it felt like a weight had been lifted. It felt like the world was clear and I had no tears left. Nothing was resolved, the problems still exist, but now we're working from a common ground. I don't feel like I'm alone in this. I feel good.
 
marksbabygirl said:
And for the first time in a very long time, it felt like a weight had been lifted, it felt like the world was clear and I had no tears left. Nothing was resolved. The problems still exist. But now we're working from a common ground - I don't feel like I'm alone in this. I feel good.
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Sorry, I meant to say congrats, its a great feeling when that happens. Regardless of the other stuff going on :)

((hugs)) and a big congrats to you for getting to that point.
 
Great point about communication. I have the same kind of problem with Ragabash. I'm more about direct speech. He's more about indirect speech. When he beats around the bush, I end up just tuning him out, without meaning to, really. I just can't focus, because it seems to be going all over the place and nowhere at the same time!

I want to add my congrats to the lot!
 
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