KT's Blog

[LovingRadiance]

LR, isn't that just a definition of being selfish though? I mean to me, a marriage is special because you do cherish the other person and want to fulfill their needs.
That is what makes marriage different to living together. People live together because their needs coincide for a time. When they don't they can walk away.
Maybe I am old fashioned but I don't agree with you.
I don't see that KT is hurting herself.
She has tried to accept poly but 2r and MG are not playing by the rules of poly. Instead they are ganging up on her and deciding for her how things are going to go. It is their way or no way.
KT getting HER needs met-as you say she must- depends on 2r listening to her and respecting her and doing what she wants in some things.

No.
Here's my explanation.
I want to HELP Maca meet his needs-but helping him can only be done if he himself is at work on meeting his own needs.

It is our INDIVIDUAL responsibility to meet our own needs.
It is wonderful for Maca that I long to help him.
It is wonderful for me that he longs to help me.
BUT-that doesn't in anyway take away from ourselves the FULL responsibility to ensure that we meet our own needs.

At the point where we choose to allow ourselves to believe that someone else can fulfil our needs-we lose sight of our truest self and our self-esteem plummets.

 

[LovingRadiance]

In all her posts here (and I have read them all) KT comes over as rational and logical in her examination of her situation.
I don't think she is dysfunctional. She is just mono.

Not only that but KT is also supposed to be the primary. Does 20 years and children count for nothing? Does KT have to accept being secondary to MG and 2r now because she doesn't share their poly mindset?

I'm with Ari-I see what you are saying-but it does make a lot of assumptions.
EVEN if they were still together-

why does there have to be a primary or a secondary?
For SOME people this is the case, but not all.

Maca is my husband,
GG is my boyfriend.
NEITHER is primary.

I've known Maca for 22 years.
I've been married to him for 11 years.

I've known GG 17 years.
I've been dating him for 1 year.

BUT-they are both primary partners to me.

Does that mean that each of them gets identical time with me?
No-we live together but it doesn't end up that way.

Does it mean that each of them gets identical "rights"?
No-there are a variety of situations that one has more say so in than the other-this is true for myself as well.

Does it mean that each of them is "the same" to me?
No. They are very different and special and precious to me for their individual gifts.

Does it mean that either of them should think that the last umpteen number of years and the children we share are more or less important than the time shared with the other and the children shared in one manner or another with the other?
HELL NO.

They are both my beloveds.
End of subject.

Is that easy for them?
No-not for either of them; for different reasons they both struggle with this.
But it is the bottom line truth and if they want to be with me-they have to accept that it's ME they want to be with;
not their perception of who I would be IF I were mono and only in love with one of them. Because I'm not mono and I'm not only in love with one of them.

It's NOT about their feelings not mattering-they DO matter.
It's about them prioritizing their needs to the point of deciding if it's WORTH IT to them to BE with me; this person whose life and needs are difficult for them.

 

[AutumnalTone]

why does there have to be a primary or a secondary?
For SOME people this is the case, but not all.

KT, quite obviously, requires being primary in her marriage. Whether or not anybody else in the world requires such is completely irrelevant to her experience and needs.

 

[NeonKaos]

The last few posts are crossing the line into "debate". If this continues, some posts will be moved or hidden. If KT asks for any of the posts that are up already to be hidden, that will happen too.

Arguing about "primary and secondary" has a whole thread to itself. The blogs are not for arguing what the blog owner's relationship should or should not be, or how the blog owner needs to change their thinking. Those are appropriate for General Discussions, New to Polyamory, or personal correspondence such as the forum PM system, Facebook, or email.

 

[LovingRadiance]

Neon-
I don't disagree,

Thus far Kat has only expressed appreciation to me for expressing my thoughts on her situation and my suggestions for how she might otherwise look at things.

Sometimes a different perspective is all it takes for us to figure out a solution-even if its not the perspective which we choose to follow.


I believe (and remain hopeful) that she knows that my heart goes out to her and her family as I understand well the pain they are suffering.

 

[KatTails]

Once again the day has gotten away from me and I'm now too exhausted to write a response. I will try to post something while at work tomorrow.

LR - I do always appreciate your posts - though I don't always agree with what you say (ex: the whole primary/secondary thing) but I honestly appreciate your insight and blunt approach.

Neon - I am fine with the posts of the last few days staying on here. They are not all correct and assumptions have been made - but they may be helpful to other people who read my blog.

I promise I will respond further tomorrow.

Goodnight - Kat

 

[LovingRadiance]

Lady-
If I do say so-you need a vacation!
A couple weeks of sleeping in, good rest, time to think without being "on the fly".
That's what you need.

I know you don't always agree with me.

HOW could you?

In circumstance you and I are diametrically opposed.
That's ok.

The point-MY point isn't to "convert" you. NOT AT ALL.

In point of fact-if the choice were mine and mine alone-I'd convert me; but that's a WHOLE other story!

My point is to give you things to think about that are different than what comes to your mind naturally so that hopefully you can find the creative-adaptive approach in YOUR life that works for you!

Hugs

 

[KatTails]

Ok - here's my response. Sorry it's so long - but I wanted to respond to everyone.

It doesn't matter how long you've been together. YOU need to make sure that YOU get your needs met and HE needs to make sure that HE gets his needs met.

It's not fair to expect that he not get his needs met in order to meet yours and it wouldn't be fair to expect you to not get your needs met in order for him to get his met.

LR - he is getting his needs met by having MG in his life, loving her, her loving him, dating, spending time together, working together etc. To have my needs met - I need her to not come into my "space" or my "comfort zone" ie: our house, our family, our friends. In this case - I can't meet my own needs. He has to understand and support my needs, just as I understand and support his needs. Our needs are conflicting with each other and that is where my emotions are coming into play.

KT getting HER needs met-as you say she must- depends on 2r listening to her and respecting her and doing what she wants in some things.

Thanks Vodkafan - exactly! You get me!

You make a lot of assumptions in the other direction. You are assuming 2rings and mg spend a tonne of time together. You are assuming that MG is trying to really inject herself into their lives as a whole. You assume MG wants 2rings as a primary when she has clearly stated having a loving husband and kids and her own family.

Please remember, this is a one sided blog, MG and 2rings can't put their positions into this at all. The blog is 100% one sided, as all blogs are, so the information is heavily biased to the poster herself. You are making a lot of judgments based on a single side.

Not to mention, in response to your actual question. They have stated they are broken up. There is no primary or secondary designations now.

Ari - you are also making assumptions based on your relationship with MG and what she has chosen to share with you. You are getting her side - but it doesn't mean it's 100% correct. MG and 2rings have every right to start their own blogs if they want to get their side out. There is their side, my side - and somewhere in between is the truth.

OOps, sorry KT if reading that upset you. I wasn't meaning you are in particular dysfunctional. It was more about the way we love can be dysfunctional when it prevents ourselves and the person we love most from being happy.

@Ariakis
They are obviously back together in some capacity because KT said they were together yesterday.

No problem Sage. On this site - I'm sure many see me as dysfunctional since I don't hold the same beliefs and therefor I don't show or share the same emotions. I may check out the yahoo forum - but from past experiences, I have a very difficult time navigating yahoo. I'll try again though - thanks!

@Ari - as far as them being broken up - they're not. They were taking a break so he could work on saving our marriage. He never had any intention of ending things with MG for good. I don't know if they are on or off right now - but I do know they went out Friday night.

KT, quite obviously, requires being primary in her marriage. Whether or not anybody else in the world requires such is completely irrelevant to her experience and needs.

Thank you AT - I do need to feel that I am primary - its important to me. 20 years together, 15 years married, children, a house, a dog, bills, responsibilities, etc is NOT equal to 18 months of dating. If I had a boyfriend - 2rings would still be my primary - for all the reasons I stated. MG likes to use the words "soulmate" to describe 2rings - which to me, signifies that she feels their relationship is more important or special than our marriage. But that is neither here nor there and I don't mean to bring this up as a debate. Just a comparison. Primary is considered disrespectul - but soulmate isn't.

Neon- I don't disagree, Thus far Kat has only expressed appreciation to me for expressing my thoughts on her situation and my suggestions for how she might otherwise look at things.

Sometimes a different perspective is all it takes for us to figure out a solution-even if its not the perspective which we choose to follow.

I believe (and remain hopeful) that she knows that my heart goes out to her and her family as I understand well the pain they are suffering.

LR - I do!

Lady-If I do say so-you need a vacation!
A couple weeks of sleeping in, good rest, time to think without being "on the fly".
That's what you need. I know you don't always agree with me. HOW could you?

In circumstance you and I are diametrically opposed. That's ok. The point-MY point isn't to "convert" you. NOT AT ALL.

My point is to give you things to think about that are different than what comes to your mind naturally so that hopefully you can find the creative-adaptive approach in YOUR life that works for you! Hugs

Thanks LR! My husband has told me again and again (and I'm sure he'll say it after he reads this post) that I need to stay off the forums for a while, stop thinking about this, stop talking about this and just live. He calls it mental masturbation - but instead of it feeling good - it's only hurting me and us.

Kt and sage- I'm going with the assumption that kt just wants to vent. I'm thinking you have a lot of empathy and solutions now... Vent away my dear, if anything new comes up I will be sure to chime in. Otherwise I only see two options; decide to stay and take on a positive attitude, or end your marriage and move on to something that creates positivity in your life. The way I see it is that 2rings has chosen what makes him feel positive and happy, mg has chosen the same; its up to you now to chose. Its only a matter of time now I think and I am reading and waiting.

RP - I wasn't really venting for the sake of venting. I was frustrated and hurting and needed to get it out - but I was also looking for understanding and more importantly - validation. I was NOT looking for attention. I need to have my feelings and needs validated. I am accepting that he needs MG in his life - that is not the issue. The issue is that my needs also need to be considered. I have the right to have a say of who is in MY life. Nobody has the right to force their way in and nobody has the right to force it on me. This is about compromise - so that his needs and my needs are both met. I have made the choice to stay in my marriage and I am trying to be positive - but my thoughts, opinions, feelings, needs and wants do need to be taken into consideration. I have said again and again - I do appreciate your insight and advice! It does help to get different perspectives (mono and poly.)

Baby - I hope you don't see this post as a continuation of my negativity. I am simply responding to everyone who has cared enough to share their thoughts, advice and opinions. I am feeling positive today and I am choosing to set aside any worries, concerns and apprehensions that I have. *I am going to try to focus one day at a time and not let my mind wander and wonder.

I love you with all my heart and I truly do want our marriage to work out and for our children to grow up feeling safe knowing that their parents love each other very deeply. We still have issues that need discussed and compromised - but for now, we need to focus on us (reconnecting, trusting, forgiving, recommitting) and to the well being of our children. I love you and always will!

 

[sage]

I love the way you take the time and respond to everyone and I'm glad that you are feeling better.

The yahoo group does take a little while to navigate to get started. I found that too and didn't bother with it much for quite a while but once you get it going all the posts just come to you on your email (it's not nearly as big or active as this one). And there is a lovely core group of monos who are really sensible and supportive. I think it would be very good for you as a place to communicate with people who feel the same way as you and are going through the same things.

 

[Tonberry]

Thank you AT - I do need to feel that I am primary - its important to me. 20 years together, 15 years married, children, a house, a dog, bills, responsibilities, etc is NOT equal to 18 months of dating. If I had a boyfriend - 2rings would still be my primary - for all the reasons I stated. MG likes to use the words "soulmate" to describe 2rings - which to me, signifies that she feels their relationship is more important or special than our marriage. But that is neither here nor there and I don't mean to bring this up as a debate. Just a comparison. Primary is considered disrespectul - but soulmate isn't.

I'm thinking maybe the difference is that when you mean primary, you mean "the only primary", and that MG shouldn't be his primary as well. (For instance my husband is my primary - but so is my boyfriend). While when MG calls him her soulmate, I don't see any insinuation that you're not his soulmate as well, just like her husband is also her soulmate. I could be wrong of course, but in polyamory I fail to see the problem of a concept of multiple soulmates.

 

[KatTails]

I'm thinking maybe the difference is that when you mean primary, you mean "the only primary", and that MG shouldn't be his primary as well. (For instance my husband is my primary - but so is my boyfriend). While when MG calls him her soulmate, I don't see any insinuation that you're not his soulmate as well, just like her husband is also her soulmate. I could be wrong of course, but in polyamory I fail to see the problem of a concept of multiple soulmates.

Thank you Tonberry - I guess we each have our opinions on this and it is unique to each poly couple/triad/quad etc. However - I really do not want to turn this into a debate on primary/secondary. I only brought it up as a response to LR's post in which she brought it up. I feel how I feel - but in the long run, it doesn't matter because 2rings feels how he feels and MG feels how she feels. There's no point in arguing about semantics.

 

[Tonberry]

Of course It's not my goal to turn it into a debate. I was thinking maybe you were hurt by the use of the term because you interpreted it in one way without realising MG might mean it in a different one. I was simply offering some insight from a poly perspective.

I know it's hard to think poly when you're mono and vice-versa, so I was hoping it might help. Ultimately, of course, the way you feel is the way you feel.

 

[LovingRadiance]

Hey-just curious;

Have you ever heard of a Twinflame?

I found that term years ago-and it just occurred to me that it might help you with terminology-if you had more.

(hell if I know-sometimes vocabulary is just a pain in the ass-sometimes it's fun and enjoyable!)

If you google the term-you'll find a lot of different info on it.
Some I think is horseshit (I get a little disinterested if it's too... new agey)
but some is really interesting even if you don't agree with it!

 

[KatTails]

Hey-just curious;

Have you ever heard of a Twinflame?

I found that term years ago-and it just occurred to me that it might help you with terminology-if you had more.

(hell if I know-sometimes vocabulary is just a pain in the ass-sometimes it's fun and enjoyable!)

If you google the term-you'll find a lot of different info on it.
Some I think is horseshit (I get a little disinterested if it's too... new agey)
but some is really interesting even if you don't agree with it!

Yes I am familiar with the term. A really good friend of mine is very spiritual and has met her twin flame. It is a very intense experience for her because she feels drawn to this woman (spiritually, not sexually) but this woman wants them to be together. My friend, while she does love this woman, is happily married and doesn't want to hurt him. They've tried being friends, but the woman wants more. My friend says that poly isn't for her.

I did google it and found a good description of the term soulmates. I guess I always thought that you only had one soulmate - that is not always the case.

Thanks LR!

 

[LovingRadiance]

You're welcome.
I gave Maca that term to research too (last year). It made a huge difference for him too.

He figured out that by the definition of soulmate I have (which his was more like yours) my godson is my soulmate, as is GG, Mimi and some others.

Anyway-you can ponder that in terms of your own relationships and possibly in terms of MG's belief that 2rings is one of her soulmates.

 

[KatTails]

I was reminded twice yesterday about how precious life is, how quickly your life can change, and the importance of forgiving, forgetting and moving on.

Long story short - last February, I had a bad fall out with 2 family members - my 21 year old niece and my ex-SIL. They both - especially my SIL - betrayed me by using personal information against me. We have had no contact since. It is affecting my parents the most because they now have two separate families who don't get along. My Dads health isn't great and we really don't know how much longer he'll be here. My parents want the two families to put everything aside, forget the past and just start fresh (with the exception of my ex-SIL who they have never liked.) I feel that for my parents sake, I need to forget, forgive and move on. My Mom talked to me yesterday and explained to me that she has learned that it doesn't help to hold on to anger and resentment because life is too short and the only person you are hurting is yourself. I am fine with them being out of my life - the anger and resentment I had towards them are gone - but they are not people that I need in my life. So this isn't hurting me directly - but this is hurting my Mom and Dad and because of that - it is indirectly hurting me. I agreed that I would be willing to put this aside if my niece was willing. It's not going to be easy - but it's time to let it go. Not only for my parents - but for me as well - in many areas of my life.

The thing that really opened my eyes was something that happened to my husband last night: after work, he was sitting in the truck, in front of our house, talking to MG on the phone when he looked out his door window just as a man was starting to open the truck door (he was trying door handles to see if any were unlocked.) The man was shocked when he realized there was someone in the car and started running. 2rings yelled into the phone that he had to go, hung up and started chasing the man. I can only imagine how worried MG was hearing this but not knowing what was going on! As he got out of the truck and started running - he fell, slightly hurting his knee and elbow - and the man got a head start. 2rings got in the truck and started driving around trying to find the guy (after he called the police.) He saw the guy, got out of the truck and started chasing him again. The man (and another guy that was apparently with him) ended up getting away. A while later - he came into our bedroom, woke me up and told me what happened. I couldn't believe this all happened while I was in the house fast asleep, clueless to anything going on. When I woke up this morning - it hit me how bad that could have turned out. What if the man had a gun? What if the two men stopped running and jumped 2rings? What if . . . . .

I wouldn't have known. I would have been woken up by the doorbell or a phone call from the police. I've gotten that middle of the night phone call telling me he was in a motorcycle accident almost 5 years ago - it's a horrible, heart pounding experience! And this could have been worse! What if he was killed? We've wasted 18 months fighting, not talking for days, sleeping in separate rooms, saying and doing hurtful things to each other - for what? Would any of that matter if he was gone? No. Would I have regret? Absolutely! I will never take time with him for granted. I will end every phone call with "I love you!" I will not go to sleep with anger or in silence. I will kiss him whenever I can. I will hold his hand as much as possible. I will make sure he knows he's loved - always.


•Life is unpredictable.
•Life is too short.
•Life is precious.

LIVE well, LAUGH often, LOVE always!

(I'm going to get that tattoo'd on me somewhere - just need to decide where!)

 

[LovingRadiance]

Glad it was a gentle lesson.

I've made it a rule (and sometimes it makes Maca NUTS) that we ALWAYS say I love you before we leave each other for work or whatever and always before bed.
He would leave for work and not kiss me goodbye (I'm asleep when he leaves) and it would INFURIATE me. He doesn't skip a kiss now-even if we're in the midst of an argument.

The last memory won't be a nasty word if I have my way.
Our daughters best friend committed suicide this summer, two days before their graduation. She was at our house 1/2 hour earlier fixing another friends hair for HER graduation. She kissed Sour Pea and Sweet Pea goodbye, said goodbye to me as well.
Left, and we never saw her again. She drove the 1/2 mile down the road to her apartment, drank a bottle of draino, texted her bio family that she was done-they called 911 and then she flung herself out her bedroom window with a rope around her neck.
Emergency services got to her house in under 2 minutes from her TEXT message-and it was too late (she lived across the street from the fire department). Her neck broke when the rope tightened.
Sickeningly-we drove past her apartment just after emergency services. We saw their trucks. They'd already pronounced her dead.

Beautiful, intelligent, vibrant young lady with a hell of a future ahead of her. Got her CNA license last November, was on her way to college. Had a BRIGHT future ahead. But her boyfriend dumped her and she didn't think anyone could possibly understand; not even her two best friends.

It's only slight-but it IS a slight consolation for all of us here that our last moments with her were loving moments.

 

[SNeacail]

LR - man you guys had one shit ass of a summer.

KT - glad your husband is OK, that's scary.

 

[KatTails]

Update - warning.....very long!

**Please forgive the long, rambling post – I’m trying to get my thoughts laid out and organized but it’s all coming out in a jumble! Please bear with me.**

The last time I posted on my blog was back in October – so I thought that I would give an update on what has been going on since then. The relationship between my husband, 2rings, and his girlfriend, Morningglory629 (MG), has been going on for coming up on 2 years – yet I still struggle as much now as I did when it started – if not more. What was a strong, stable, secure marriage of 13years – is now a crumbling mess full of anger, resentment, hatred and bitterness that is on the verge of ending after 15 years. At the beginning of this – my biggest fear was that he would love her more than me, that he would put their relationship before ours, that he would realize that he made a mistake in marrying me because she is everything that he needs. I do truly feel that all of those things have happened – but I caused it. Instead of being the best Kat that I could be – I crumbled. I let my insecurity, my low self esteem, my self-hatred, my negativity take control of me. My brain never turns off – it is always doubting, questioning, criticizing, comparing. As a result - I have made all of my fears and insecurities come true. 2rings has lost all faith and trust in me. We don’t have a marriage anymore – we are living like roommates. My rings are off (again.) We have been sleeping in separate rooms. We sat down on Friday and tried to figure out what to do. Do we separate? Where do we live? How do we pay for separate places? What do we do with the kids? How will this affect them? Our families? Holidays? It was heartbreaking to try to imagine life being divorced. It would be one thing if we didn’t love each other anymore – but we do. But neither of us is happy.

Had MG not come into our lives, we would still be going strong – on that I have no doubt. However, I do not blame MG – I do not think she has done anything with the intent of ending our marriage. She loves him, wants a life with him – but I have to hold onto the belief that she never meant to try to take my husband away from me. However, at times it has felt like that. This whole journey has felt like I was swept up into a tornado and dropped into the land of Oz. I don’t belong here. I don’t fit in here. This is not a lifestyle that I’m comfortable in. I wish I could click my heels and return to the life and marriage we had 2 years ago. That isn’t going to happen.

I have turned myself inside and out, I have dug down deep inside of myself trying to figure out who I am, what I want from my life, why I have such a hard time accepting this and where all of these strong emotions are coming from. MG being in my husband’s life has made me insecure, jealous, fearful, hateful, mean, nasty, violent, bitter, full of rage, weak. It has turned me into a person that I don’t like. It has turned me into a person my husband doesn’t like. He told me the other day that I am “unloveable” – because of my negativity, anger, resentment and because of my behavior over the last 2 years. It is this person that I have become that has destroyed our marriage. I have let all of those negative feelings fester inside of me until they boiled over and I blew. I never know day to day how I am going to feel. I vacillate between intense love, need and want of and for my husband and extreme hate, anger and resentment towards him. It’s maddening for both of us. One minute I’m telling him how much I love him and want this to work, then the next I’m crying, screaming at him and at times being physically abusive. THAT is NOT me! I am not a violent person – I never have been. But the last few months, there have been several times where I have hit him, pushed him, threw things at him and lashed out at him – all fueled by anger and rage. At times I go into a blind rage and act without thinking. There have been times when I have gone into a violent rage, laid in bed crying hysterically feeling like I want to die, then I eventually calm down and wonder what the hell happened. I wonder who that “Kat” was – because that is truly not who I am. I love my husband with my whole heart and soul. He is my best friend, my life, my everything – and I am hurting him and destroying our 20 year relationship.

 

[KatTails]

Long update - continued.

We have ALL made mistakes over the last two years – 2rings and MG are not without fault. However, I have done the most damage. I have made MANY mistakes. I have done things that have violated the privacy of both of them. I have apologized (and meant it) but I let curiosity and a sick need to know things to get the better of me. The last time, in January, I looked in his phone and what I saw hurt incredibly. I thought about it almost every day. This time, I didn’t tell him for 2 months. When MG found out – she wasn’t surprised, but she was hurt – especially this time. In February, MG opened up her life to me by inviting me to go away with her and a bunch of her friends for the weekend. This was a huge step for her. We had a great time – and it was nice getting to see the other in a more comfortable environment. However, now that she knows that I went that weekend holding on to this secret, she felt it was dishonest and another betrayal – and she was right. MG has pushed aside her mistrust and anger towards me again and again and has tried to build a friendship with me because she knows 2rings wants that – but I have screwed it up time and time again. Each time her and I try to form a friendship – I do so with honesty (except for this last time) and a sincere desire to make it work. But I can’t get over my insecurity and jealousy and I end up having a meltdown – which pushes her further away. Can’t blame her. What I did was plain wrong. I have no excuse. 2rings and MG – I am sorry. I know that doesn’t mean anything to you guys any more – but I am. I was wrong for doing what I did – and trust me, I am paying for it.

The night we got home from our weekend away – we invited MG to stay and hang around with our family. This was a huge step for me. It was slightly uncomfortable since our kids were there – but we all had a nice time. Our daughter was distant and that could be because she knows more than we know she knows. She has said many times that she doesn’t like MG – but won’t give a reason why. MG tried to make small talk with her – but 12 year old girls can be difficult. Our son however, had a great time playing basketball with MG and she definitely won him over. We all went to dinner – and it was there that I could really see that MG and 2rings had a strong connection, relationship and ease with each other. They could finish each others sentences. They have tons in common. They really enjoy being together. They make each other laugh. Him and I don’t have any of that anymore. We don’t have that spark, that excitement. Maybe we never did. Later – as the three of us were sitting on the couch watching the Oscars – I was having a very difficult time seeing them holding hands and seeing the connection between them. It caused me to become jealous and upset – so I excused myself and went up to bed. I fell asleep crying that night – because I realized that they belong together. They are soul mates. They were meant to meet. She is everything I am not and everything he wants. So, the next day – I told 2rings that I wanted a divorce because I can see how strong the connection is between them – it’s palpable. He needs to be with her. She makes him happy in ways that I can’t. They have more in common than him and I do. I want him to be happy and he can’t be if I am in his life because I am not able to allow him to love freely, the way he needs to. This hurts me too much and I don’t think I will ever feel differently – despite my efforts. I truly feel that he would be better off if we divorce so they can build a life together without me being in the way.

She wants to be a part of his daily life, to meet his friends and family, to be able to come into our house when I’m not here. I want separation – I’m not comfortable with her hanging out with our friends and family. I do not want her in our house when I’m not home. It makes me extremely uncomfortable. This is my house and I don’t want to come home from work knowing that they were in our house that day having sex. I have enough reminders that she’s in his life - I need a safe place that is mine, that is ours, that she isn’t a part of. I need that! I see on here all the time about couples having boundaries when it comes to their personal space. MG and 2rings are very resentful about this and say that I am being hypocritical because MG has been in our house, in our bed when we had three-ways. But I was there. I was a part of it. Knowing that they are here together, alone in our house when I’m not here is too much for me. So far he has done what I ask – but it is a huge source of resentment that isn’t going to go away because they don’t understand my needs.

Because of my need for boundaries and my intense jealousy of their connection – I have pushed my husband away through my actions and behaviors. I have ruined our marriage and I don’t think we’ll ever be able to fix it - too much damage has been done. There is too much mistrust, resentment, and anger between us. We both want two very different lives. However, we have decided to try to stay together, to try to improve our marriage and to give our children a stable home. But I have A LOT of changes to make. He does too – but he is unable to see or accept the changes he needs to make. That’s going to make it hard to improve our marriage.

I know what I need to change – and I am working on it. But I am scared. My insecurity and self-hatred is debilitating at times. My depression and anxiety, overwhelming. I am seeing a new therapist – so I hope she can help me. I am reading the book Radical Acceptance and have really found it helpful (thanks River) – now I just need to put the steps into practice. I want to start meditating – but haven’t been able to get started (I swear there’s a hamster on a wheel in my head that won’t stop!) I need to lose a lot of weight – but I’m too lazy and I am an emotional eater. However, I know if I do lose weight that I will feel a lot better about myself and that may help to alleviate some of my insecurities. For 20 years (half of my life) 2rings has been my everything, and I his. We became complacent with each other. He found someone else who he enjoys spending time with – so I am by myself more and I am lonely. I feel replaced, unneeded, unwanted. I feel like I lost half of myself. So I need to find my own life, my own identity. I am working on doing things on my own – separate from 2rings. I want to take a cooking class and I am teaching myself to play piano. I am also thinking about taking a college class – but haven’t decided what to take yet. I started a book club and am really looking forward to our first meeting in a few weeks. I have started going out occasionally with friends and I am working on making new friends – which is really hard when you are insecure, an introvert, shy, uncomfortable in your own skin. But I’m trying. What choice do I have? Being depressed, sad, angry, bitter, resentful hasn’t done me any good – it has only put a wedge between me and my best friend. Even if our marriage doesn’t work out – these are things I am going to need to do. I need to find out who I am. I need to find a way to like myself again. I need to learn to become independent. I need to turn this pain into something positive.

I can’t click my heels and return to our pre-MG marriage – no matter how much I try. But I can learn to find my way in this life, in this marriage, in this world. If I don’t – I lose the most important person in my life and I destroy our family. There is no choice.