Metamour Situation

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

I just want to remind the members that BroHus admitted he had dropped the ball in his marriage. He put himself first. He withdrew and wasn't an involved father. He allowed himself to be "complacent and comfortable" (whatever that means). His wife got burnt out, felt ignored, and took a lover for comfort.

So, it's not just that she cheated. It takes two to tango. We don't know how often she reached out to BroHus for love, comfort, help, entertainment, and yet he dropped the ball.

My point is, this whole thing is not just: "Wife is a cheating lying selfish liar!" She sounded kind of desperate for comfort and adult companionship and to feel treasured and valued, not just "the wife," "the kids' mom." I can relate to this. I went through it myself. Many many women do.

Yes I want to second this.

It should be a warning for all the men who want to open their "sexless" marriage. Make sure that you are a good husband because opening your relationship will mean your wife gets to see what other people are like as partners. It might not be that she meets a guy and replaces you with him. But she may see how attentive other men are to their families as well as having other partners. Your flaws will be on display.

I think that's what could be happening here. The other guy is more in tune with what she wants now and is encouraging her not to fall back into the same rut she was in before.

 

[ref2018]

I think that's what could be happening here. The other guy is more in tune with what she wants now and is encouraging her not to fall back into the same rut she was in before.

Except what's happening here is that the other guy is in an even deeper "rut" because his wife doesn't even know what's going on, so he's in no position to advise or encourage anyone else about their own rut. He just doesn't want his dick to fall into the rut of having one less willing vagina to go into.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Except what's happening here is that the other guy is in an even deeper "rut" because his wife doesn't even know what's going on, so he's in no position to advise or encourage anyone else about their own rut. He just doesn't want his dick to fall into the rut of having one less willing vagina to go into.

Maybe they're encouraging each other. He's just a little behind her.

 

[Etherealbeing]

Good point @Magdlyn. "The wifes" needs are off course valid and valuable. Though I would always go with honesty upfront, as I have done when I found myself in that situation with a partner who was not able to meet my needs and kept witholding love, comfort and closeness for a long long time. But that is just me. I was 17 at the time and it's a completely different scenario with kids and as adults, when you have already invested into some more societal norms etc.

Everyones needs matter. You are going through big changes @BroHus. You are doing great work! I appreciate your commitment to your wife. And if you are going to go through this, that commitment will most likely be tested. You'll learn a lot, make a lot of mistakes and sure, there is always the possibility you find out you are no longer compatible. But do the work first, then see. If she is willing and you can go on this journey of self-discovery together, there is a good chance you'll end up in good terms at least. Compassion and healthy boundaries are my best tools in these situations. Being the hinge in a V is not easy. Being poly is a lot of learning. Have you found some good resources? A good (polyfriendly) couples therapist? I love Jessica Ferns' work. <3 Good you have reached out on this forum.

Good luck and a lot of resilience your way!