Metamour Situation
- Thread starter BroHus
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SEASONEDpolyAgain
Well-known member
This should probably be moved to the relationship section. A mod will handle that. No worries.
Just so we have the terminology right:
Metamour = your partner's partner. So your wife's boyfriend would be your metamour.
So do you mean that your metamour is trying to control the boundaries between you and your wife?
Or do you mean that your wife's metamour (her boyfriend's partner) is trying to control boundaries in your wife's relationship with her other partner?
Just so we have the terminology right:
Metamour = your partner's partner. So your wife's boyfriend would be your metamour.
So do you mean that your metamour is trying to control the boundaries between you and your wife?
Or do you mean that your wife's metamour (her boyfriend's partner) is trying to control boundaries in your wife's relationship with her other partner?
My metamour is trying to control the situation.
Thank you all for the info
SlowPoly
Active member
It sounds like you are in a V, with your wife as the hinge. Something happening over on that side of the relationship is impacting your side.
Do you mean your wife and her boyfriend are making agreements between themselves about their relationship, without checking with you? (This would be normal in many V relationships, unless they are stomping on agreements or schedules previously committed to.) Or he is making rules for her? Or are they somehow making rules for you?
Is this about health and safety? Or about times/places/acts that are reserved to you, as the husband and primary?
You don’t have to go along with what anyone else decides for you. But the flip side of that is that others don’t have to do what you want. Your boundaries are for you to enforce, and if you can’t get agreements that work for you, enforcement looks like seeing to your own health and safety — not doing what you don’t want to do — not staying in relationships that don’t fit the life you want.
You say your metamour is an “established” partner — so it’s not new relationship ga-ga blindness that is making your partner go along with things she wouldn’t normally agree to?
Maybe if you provide some specifics folks here can offer advice on the situation, but in general? Honest, non-judgmental communication is probably the best tool for getting your voice heard. Expressing to your wife the facts (which speak for themselves), and your worries and needs (which you get to have), without accusations or character attacks.
It’s okay if you don’t want to provide specifics, but I’ll keep an eye on the thread in case you do.
Good luck!
Do you mean your wife and her boyfriend are making agreements between themselves about their relationship, without checking with you? (This would be normal in many V relationships, unless they are stomping on agreements or schedules previously committed to.) Or he is making rules for her? Or are they somehow making rules for you?
Is this about health and safety? Or about times/places/acts that are reserved to you, as the husband and primary?
You don’t have to go along with what anyone else decides for you. But the flip side of that is that others don’t have to do what you want. Your boundaries are for you to enforce, and if you can’t get agreements that work for you, enforcement looks like seeing to your own health and safety — not doing what you don’t want to do — not staying in relationships that don’t fit the life you want.
You say your metamour is an “established” partner — so it’s not new relationship ga-ga blindness that is making your partner go along with things she wouldn’t normally agree to?
Maybe if you provide some specifics folks here can offer advice on the situation, but in general? Honest, non-judgmental communication is probably the best tool for getting your voice heard. Expressing to your wife the facts (which speak for themselves), and your worries and needs (which you get to have), without accusations or character attacks.
It’s okay if you don’t want to provide specifics, but I’ll keep an eye on the thread in case you do.
Good luck!
SEASONEDpolyAgain
Well-known member
Maybe your wife doesn't want to do things he way you agreed now she's had a chance to try this all out
Long story short. The other person (who happens to be a friend of ours) and my wife had been having an affair for over a year. I found out-shit went sideways! I am working on myself for a better version of me first and foremost. I am sexually turned on by the thought of my wife being with another man. She feels that our friend and I offer different things for her emotionally. I am a very open minded and well educated person and have researched polyamory. My wife and I have been married for 26 years and monogamous for all of it. After having deep discussions on how to save our marriage we came up with this polyamory plan. Since we made it official they have been on 4 dates. We agreed to them going out about 2 times a month. I wanted explicit details at first-definitely not good for me! So all I want to know is when they plan to go out-nothing else. The other guy is pressuring her to stay out later (we have kids) and it’s fucking things up. He is telling her I don’t control her and she shouldn’t have to answer to agreements and boundaries. My wife says that I’m her primary and priority between the two relationships. When they were having their affair they were able to be more spontaneous. Now I feel like I’m ruining the dynamic. But FUCK-this is my soul mate. How should I handle this?
Yikes. That was quite a betrayal! I'm sorry you had to deal with that. Not only did your wife cheat, your good friend betrayed you, as well.
It can be hard to transition to polyamory from an affair. Trust needs to be rebuilt. That can take quite some time.
Do you partially blame yourself for your wife having the affair because you were somehow closed off or not meeting enough of her needs?
Well, that's a bonus.
That is one good reason to enjoy polyamory.
How long did you spend researching poly and discussing it? Was she still seeing her bf while you two were learning and negotiating your boundaries and needs/desires?
So 2 dates a month, and maybe no overnights, to start with? How often were they seeing each other while they were cheating?
You thought you'd be turned on by the details, but it turned out it was the opposite, it seems.
He wants more of her than she should give, seeing as she has children that need her. Not to mention she has to rebuild trust with you by keeping to the schedule she agreed to. That's kinda shitty of your so-called friend. Where's his remorse?
You are not ruining their dynamic; you're just insisting on ETHICAL non-monogamy, not sneaking and cheating. I am sorry you're going through this.
It sounds like Dude needs to learn some patience. He's lucky you're willing to let them transition their cheating to ENM at all.
I have been a selfish individual for a good portion of our marriage. I put my priorities first-or what I thought were priorities! I put a large part of raising the kids on her. So over the years she grew to resent me and thereby we had an emotional disconnect. I’ve know for some time that I have personal issues/demons to deal with but, I became complacent and comfortable in our relationship . This led to opening the door for our friend to come in and give her the attention she desired. It gets even more fucked up. My wife and I are couples friends with the friend and his wife. To this day his wife knows nothing of this. My family was blown up because one of my kids is who initially discovered they were having the affair! So I’m very resentful of him because he has not had to endure the emotional drama my family has gone through. And yet he has the gall to pressure my wife
Like I said I’m trying to be compassionate to my wife’s needs. But I can’t imagine my life without her, and she says she feels the same way. My trust, self esteem, etc. is near rock bottom. I’m hoping with time my insecurities will ease up-and that he’ll back off some as well. What the Hell did I get myself into?!?!
AlwaysGrowing
Well-known member
So this isn't polyamory. There is nothing ethical happening here. She's essentially openly cheating now instead of bothering to hide it since getting caught. He is cheating on his clueless wife. Your kids are how old? They can't be enjoying this situation either.
If I were you? I wouldn't tolerate an affair partner still having an impact on my well being. They want to be together? Then we're divorcing. They want to earn forgiveness so no relationship has to end? They need to take a step back, be honest with EVERYONE, then start back slowly once all relationships are in a good place or have been respectfully ended.
I can see why she would be frustrated and ready for change if you haven't been a good partner, but this isn't the way.
If I were you? I wouldn't tolerate an affair partner still having an impact on my well being. They want to be together? Then we're divorcing. They want to earn forgiveness so no relationship has to end? They need to take a step back, be honest with EVERYONE, then start back slowly once all relationships are in a good place or have been respectfully ended.
I can see why she would be frustrated and ready for change if you haven't been a good partner, but this isn't the way.
Thanks for sharing more information. It's good that you understand your own role in the current situation. It seems like your relationship with your wife needs a lot of work, probably with the help of a good therapist. Right now, as AlwaysGrowing said, this is not polyamory, but a marriage in trouble... or two marriages in trouble, and two cheating partners. You know your wife is cheating. Maybe she got fed up with the disaster of your marriage and family life, and took the easy way out to feel better for a while. But your kid discovered the situation. Ugh.
Your wife was experiencing mom burn-out and you were being too distant and ignoring her needs. Now the fall-out is happening, the shit is hitting the fan. It's up to the adults in this situation to decide on the best, least hurtful, most ethical way forward.
Your wife was experiencing mom burn-out and you were being too distant and ignoring her needs. Now the fall-out is happening, the shit is hitting the fan. It's up to the adults in this situation to decide on the best, least hurtful, most ethical way forward.
This is not the "scene" you think it is, and polyamory does not mean what your wife thinks it means.
Etherealbeing
New member
Honesty is the first and most important principle in ethical polyamory. I wouldn't support their relationship before everybody involved is aware of the situation.
When in a polyamorous situation everyone involved affects everyone. If your wife's bfs' wife would be aware, it would most likely change the dynamic of the entire situation. Maybe he wouldn't be pressuring her if he was actually dealing with he's own responsibilities at home. But he needs to tell his wife, not anyone else! Honesty and healthy boundaries!
When in a polyamorous situation everyone involved affects everyone. If your wife's bfs' wife would be aware, it would most likely change the dynamic of the entire situation. Maybe he wouldn't be pressuring her if he was actually dealing with he's own responsibilities at home. But he needs to tell his wife, not anyone else! Honesty and healthy boundaries!
I'm sorry you struggle. FWIW? I think this. I don't know if any of it could help you.
Do you know what polyamory is? It's not a "scene."
Polyamory means "many loves." Basically you and wife agree to open the marriage. And either one of you can poly date others and have a whole separate relationship with someone else. Like another BF or GF. Or several. With the knowledge and consent of all parties.
And you and wife can do that with fantasies and her making up stories.
She is not obliged to tell you sex details with her BF. It is not her info only. He has to consent to that his TMI details being shared like that. And even if he's good with it?
Because he is ALSO the past cheating affair partner? You might not find that fun. Sounds like you discovered that already.
I suggest you set this kink aside or only do it with pretend stories. You have enough problems right now.
What work was done to heal from the cheating affair? Work you did? Wife did? Dude did?
What work was done to repair the friendships? You + Dude in particular. Cuz that's a really crap thing to do to a friend.
And then you and wife -- cuz that's a crap thing to do to a spouse. It's not friendly at all.
Have you talked about how to avoid the worst of poly hell?
www.kathylabriola.com
And what research did Wife and Dude do? To self educate and consider changing from cheating affair to a poly V?
It can't be YOU doing all the work. And them going "Yeah! Let's to that!" basically saying "yes" to whatever so they can continue seeing each other and keep coasting.
Basically for them just changing to a cheating affair out in the open. And not really an ethical poly V for them.
What is it you all agreed to practice here?
Why does the marriage need to be "saved?" From what? From ending? Sometimes ending is what is healthiest.
You are being SUPER generous. Most spouses won't bother considering poly in light of cheating affair. It isn't like poly is magic. People can cheat on their poly agreements too.
It has to do with the character of the person and their ability to keep their word.
So you being willing to try to change? And see if wife and Dude can keep their word now in a new model? Alright. You are willing to stick your neck out there and try.
What happens if they keep fucking it up? Where's your line in the sand? The dealbreaker?
You know it's ok to quit, right? Your consent to participate in things or not belongs to you. You have to be able to say to wife "I love you a lot. But no. Not even for you will I do things that hurt me. I'm bowing out."
And not just you putting up with unhealthy things because you are afraid to break up with wife.
Is that what you are doing? Trying to avoid a break up?
Do you actually WANT to be in a poly V? Maybe this helps you reflect.
https://www.scarleteen.com/article/relationships/should_i_stay_or_should_i_go
Ok, fair enough. She puts it on the calendar and comes home at the end of the date.
Is that 2x a month thing a temporary agreement for the first X mos or something? And over time ease up as trust builds and she sees him more often? Weekly or several times a week?
Or is that permanent? 2x a month max forever?
Cuz temp agreement might be reasonable and rational since changing from a cheating affair and dealing with a lot.
Permanent? Not so much.
That is correct. SHE is in charge of her choices. SHE makes agreements / boundaries she wants.
If HE has a problem with HER deciding when she wants to go home?
How do YOU know all this anyway? Why do you have to care or know?
Is you wife oversharing because she's so used to you being her sounding board/helper for all her things?
If her BF is being a pain? Isn't that her responsibility/problem to deal with? You aren't dating him. Why do you have to deal in any of that?
She doesn't know how to tell him "I can do a date from 8 PM to Midnight. Then I want to go home" herself? And when it's time to go home... she just goes home?
Can't she just keep her agreements with you without all this song and dance? And do you get time to yourself where she does all the night parenting? Or is she dumping kid care on you from the sky?
If her BF doesn't respect her limit for when she wants the date to end? She doesn't know how to tell him she doesn't like that? Or she just does not make more dates with him because he behaves ugh at her?
Does the temporary agreement need to be "Date him 2x a month, and be home by morning. Just don't wake me up or the household."
Are extra agreements needed?
"You deal with your BF problems yourself on that side of the V. All I want is safer sex agreements in place. I want to know calendar so I know when my dates with you are."
Cool. She could prioritize (you+her) being at peace and working on repairs then. Rather than bringing you bonus drama.
She deal with her BF probs on the side without bugging you about it. Because (her + BF) problems do not belong in (you + her) time.
You do not solve (her +BF) problems. You are not in that dyad. The people listed in that dyad are her and BF. THEY solve their problems on that side of the V.
Step back and let her deal with it.
"I'm sorry that's happening. I suggest you work it out with your BF. (You +BF) problems is stuff for you two to solve. Not me."
You could tell wife you expect her to keep her agreements with you. Or just don't make the agreement in the first place if not keepable at this time. You are up for renegotiating agreements, but it's been enough turmoil lately. You'd like a period of calm. So either no agreements or keepable agreements but enough with the up and downy.
You two might consider a counselor experienced with non-monogamy and cheating if you haven't set one up yet. There's a lot going on here. And you leave therapy things for session, and live NORMAL LIFE the rest of the time. It can't be THIS 24/7. People need REST.
On your side? I think you are being generous enough being open to a poly V with her former cheating affair partner. If she cannot rebuild trust with you? And cannot deal with her own BF probs herself?
You guys DO NOT have to be doing this LIKE THIS at all. Could have a trial separation first to get to calm after cheating affair.
Then she is free to date him however she wants. Spontaneous whenever.
And you can be free from all this stuff. And date however you want.
That is fair on both sides.
And in that time decide if you and her want to repair/reconcile the marriage. Or move on to final divorce.
But she doesn't get to date him AND you AND run around like a free agent like there's no consequences to having had an affair AND skip having to repair trust with you AND wants you to be her free therapist for her BF problems.
There's a limit to your generosity, you know? You CAN set strong personal boundaries with your wife and put your foot down on stupid.
If she's dating a "Good Time Charlie" who doesn't give a patootie about how the their choice to have cheating affair impacted her marriage? And doesn't want to give her space to repair her marriage? Guess you both learn he never was much a friend, huh?
I know that might sound stern/harsh. But what else is there?
If she wants to be a poly hinge with two partners in an ethical poly V, she has to learn to balance dealing with each of her partners then. You on THIS side of the V, and BF on THAT side of the V.
Or... just don't do the poly V at all.
If she prefers cheating? Cool. You can bow out. She can do her cheating things with OTHER people. And not involve you.
If she has bad taste in partners? Cool. You can bow out. She can do that. Over THERE. Far away from you. And you don't have to deal with whatever new messes from her messy partners might be. She can deal with it herself.
You have no control over who she picks out to poly date.
You DO have control over whether or not you pick HER out any more.
I'm sorry this is happening like this though. It sounds rough.
Galagirl
Do you know what polyamory is? It's not a "scene."
Polyamory means "many loves." Basically you and wife agree to open the marriage. And either one of you can poly date others and have a whole separate relationship with someone else. Like another BF or GF. Or several. With the knowledge and consent of all parties.
And you and wife can do that with fantasies and her making up stories.
She is not obliged to tell you sex details with her BF. It is not her info only. He has to consent to that his TMI details being shared like that. And even if he's good with it?
Because he is ALSO the past cheating affair partner? You might not find that fun. Sounds like you discovered that already.
I suggest you set this kink aside or only do it with pretend stories. You have enough problems right now.
What work was done to heal from the cheating affair? Work you did? Wife did? Dude did?
What work was done to repair the friendships? You + Dude in particular. Cuz that's a really crap thing to do to a friend.
And then you and wife -- cuz that's a crap thing to do to a spouse. It's not friendly at all.
Have you talked about how to avoid the worst of poly hell?
kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?
COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for
www.kathylabriola.com
And what research did Wife and Dude do? To self educate and consider changing from cheating affair to a poly V?
It can't be YOU doing all the work. And them going "Yeah! Let's to that!" basically saying "yes" to whatever so they can continue seeing each other and keep coasting.
Basically for them just changing to a cheating affair out in the open. And not really an ethical poly V for them.
What is it you all agreed to practice here?
Why does the marriage need to be "saved?" From what? From ending? Sometimes ending is what is healthiest.
You are being SUPER generous. Most spouses won't bother considering poly in light of cheating affair. It isn't like poly is magic. People can cheat on their poly agreements too.
It has to do with the character of the person and their ability to keep their word.
So you being willing to try to change? And see if wife and Dude can keep their word now in a new model? Alright. You are willing to stick your neck out there and try.
What happens if they keep fucking it up? Where's your line in the sand? The dealbreaker?
You know it's ok to quit, right? Your consent to participate in things or not belongs to you. You have to be able to say to wife "I love you a lot. But no. Not even for you will I do things that hurt me. I'm bowing out."
And not just you putting up with unhealthy things because you are afraid to break up with wife.
Is that what you are doing? Trying to avoid a break up?
Do you actually WANT to be in a poly V? Maybe this helps you reflect.
https://www.scarleteen.com/article/relationships/should_i_stay_or_should_i_go
Ok, fair enough. She puts it on the calendar and comes home at the end of the date.
Is that 2x a month thing a temporary agreement for the first X mos or something? And over time ease up as trust builds and she sees him more often? Weekly or several times a week?
Or is that permanent? 2x a month max forever?
Cuz temp agreement might be reasonable and rational since changing from a cheating affair and dealing with a lot.
Permanent? Not so much.
That is correct. SHE is in charge of her choices. SHE makes agreements / boundaries she wants.
If HE has a problem with HER deciding when she wants to go home?
How do YOU know all this anyway? Why do you have to care or know?
Is you wife oversharing because she's so used to you being her sounding board/helper for all her things?
If her BF is being a pain? Isn't that her responsibility/problem to deal with? You aren't dating him. Why do you have to deal in any of that?
She doesn't know how to tell him "I can do a date from 8 PM to Midnight. Then I want to go home" herself? And when it's time to go home... she just goes home?
Can't she just keep her agreements with you without all this song and dance? And do you get time to yourself where she does all the night parenting? Or is she dumping kid care on you from the sky?
If her BF doesn't respect her limit for when she wants the date to end? She doesn't know how to tell him she doesn't like that? Or she just does not make more dates with him because he behaves ugh at her?
Does the temporary agreement need to be "Date him 2x a month, and be home by morning. Just don't wake me up or the household."
Are extra agreements needed?
"You deal with your BF problems yourself on that side of the V. All I want is safer sex agreements in place. I want to know calendar so I know when my dates with you are."
Cool. She could prioritize (you+her) being at peace and working on repairs then. Rather than bringing you bonus drama.
She deal with her BF probs on the side without bugging you about it. Because (her + BF) problems do not belong in (you + her) time.
You do not solve (her +BF) problems. You are not in that dyad. The people listed in that dyad are her and BF. THEY solve their problems on that side of the V.
You are not ruining their dynamic. If her BF pressures her? That the BF upsetting her. Not you.
Step back and let her deal with it.
"I'm sorry that's happening. I suggest you work it out with your BF. (You +BF) problems is stuff for you two to solve. Not me."
You could tell wife you expect her to keep her agreements with you. Or just don't make the agreement in the first place if not keepable at this time. You are up for renegotiating agreements, but it's been enough turmoil lately. You'd like a period of calm. So either no agreements or keepable agreements but enough with the up and downy.
You two might consider a counselor experienced with non-monogamy and cheating if you haven't set one up yet. There's a lot going on here. And you leave therapy things for session, and live NORMAL LIFE the rest of the time. It can't be THIS 24/7. People need REST.
On your side? I think you are being generous enough being open to a poly V with her former cheating affair partner. If she cannot rebuild trust with you? And cannot deal with her own BF probs herself?
You guys DO NOT have to be doing this LIKE THIS at all. Could have a trial separation first to get to calm after cheating affair.
Then she is free to date him however she wants. Spontaneous whenever.
And you can be free from all this stuff. And date however you want.
That is fair on both sides.
And in that time decide if you and her want to repair/reconcile the marriage. Or move on to final divorce.
But she doesn't get to date him AND you AND run around like a free agent like there's no consequences to having had an affair AND skip having to repair trust with you AND wants you to be her free therapist for her BF problems.
There's a limit to your generosity, you know? You CAN set strong personal boundaries with your wife and put your foot down on stupid.
If she's dating a "Good Time Charlie" who doesn't give a patootie about how the their choice to have cheating affair impacted her marriage? And doesn't want to give her space to repair her marriage? Guess you both learn he never was much a friend, huh?
I know that might sound stern/harsh. But what else is there?
If she wants to be a poly hinge with two partners in an ethical poly V, she has to learn to balance dealing with each of her partners then. You on THIS side of the V, and BF on THAT side of the V.
Or... just don't do the poly V at all.
If she prefers cheating? Cool. You can bow out. She can do her cheating things with OTHER people. And not involve you.
If she has bad taste in partners? Cool. You can bow out. She can do that. Over THERE. Far away from you. And you don't have to deal with whatever new messes from her messy partners might be. She can deal with it herself.
You have no control over who she picks out to poly date.
You DO have control over whether or not you pick HER out any more.
I'm sorry this is happening like this though. It sounds rough.
Galagirl
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mountaingirl
Active member
ur wife is being a shitty hinge (not dealing with bf problems herself) and she needs to figure this out. if bf's complaints are being brought to you, my guess is she's throwing her hands up and blaming you when bf gets annoyed that they can't be more 'spontaneous', when she's already made agreements with you on certain things.
being a hinge means being accountable for what both partners want, and handling that communication/compromise yourself. it's work, but since your wife is getting all the benefit from these two relationships, that's kinda how it goes. Y'all are clearly not a throuple, and it seems communication between you and friend is not longer happening. So it's on her.
It's my opinion that there are some normal growing pains associated with being a hinge. It's probably even more difficult for you right now because of how this relationship started.
regardless of all that...
being a hinge means being accountable for what both partners want, and handling that communication/compromise yourself. it's work, but since your wife is getting all the benefit from these two relationships, that's kinda how it goes. Y'all are clearly not a throuple, and it seems communication between you and friend is not longer happening. So it's on her.
It's my opinion that there are some normal growing pains associated with being a hinge. It's probably even more difficult for you right now because of how this relationship started.
regardless of all that...
!!!
Marcus
Well-known member
The issue here isn't with your metamour, the issue is with your wife not abiding by the rules that the two of you have agreed on. If she's showing up later than agreed, and that's a big deal to you, then I should think you two need to talk about that. I would think of it more like someone not doing the chores they agreed upon, and not make it something that it isn't.
The fact that the person she's dating is pushing her to bend her other agreements is gross, and it's something she will need to deal with. The two of them have a relationship together, and they will need to decide how they want that relationship to play out. You and your wife have a relationship together, and the two of you should focus on what's going on with you. You fretting over what this "other guy" is or isn't saying to her isn't an issue you have any control over (nor should it be), that's her burden to bear.
I just want to remind the members that BroHus admitted he had dropped the ball in his marriage. He put himself first. He withdrew and wasn't an involved father. He allowed himself to be "complacent and comfortable" (whatever that means). His wife got burnt out, felt ignored, and took a lover for comfort.
So, it's not just that she cheated. It takes two to tango. We don't know how often she reached out to BroHus for love, comfort, help, entertainment, and yet he dropped the ball.
My point is, this whole thing is not just: "Wife is a cheating lying selfish liar!" She sounded kind of desperate for comfort and adult companionship and to feel treasured and valued, not just "the wife," "the kids' mom." I can relate to this. I went through it myself. Many many women do.
In our culture, polyamory is a new concept. Most men and women think it's disgusting and unnatural. They would far rather cheat then have an open relationship. Cheating is looked down on, but at least people are familiar with it. For a man to admit to the world, yes, "my wife" has another male lover-- that is a huge step to take in our culture. He will be seen as unmanly and a cuckold by most people.