"Just so I can do it, too"

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Do you think your motivation for polyamory really matters?

A guy I've always considered "a good poly player" said that his motivation for having poly partners is that he doesn't want to be monogamous himself. The part where they have other partners is kind of a downside of it but he rarely complains because it's an acceptable price for him to have the sexual and romantic freedom he wants.

However, this guy really does seem to be a good partner and metamour to his spouse and her partners. You know the type who can easily fluctuate between parallel and KTP. No major demands on partners or metamours.

If someone told me this upfront, I'd see it as a dealbreaker or at least a major red flag simply because I wouldn't have the verification of his actions like I do with his guy.

How would you feel about it?

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

@mod could you move this to general discussions.

 

[Skadi]

It would be a hard no for me. Mainly because the person wouldn't be true to themselves if they were mono, but doing it because of external factors. I would only want to be with someone and vice versa if that's what they truly want because of THEM and ME, and not because of something or someone else because I will be "killing someone's time" as some poly experiment. Feels a bit icky.

 

[Bobbi]

I might be confused. I think most people are poly because they don’t want to be monogamous. I think I’m missing the nuance here.

 

[TavMac]

Chances are I would let something like that go and seek out more dates. But, maybe that just means I'm more desperate?

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I'm sorry if this is boiling down the topic a bit too much, and please feel free to correct me, or ignore me so that it can stay on topic...

But, is this sort of like: their philosophy is different, but the application is the same, or great? So, like, should "we" be judging the philosophy? And if so, has anyone else judged only on philosophy and missed out on a good relationship that they would have had no qualms about otherwise?

Is this also like finding out that a woman likes the way a man treats them? Only to find out later that it comes form a place of anti-feminism when they identify as a feminist.

 

[Inaniel]

Im not sure I understand...

He is poly, so he seeks poly partners because he doesn't want to be monogamous. That makes sense.. right?

And he views metas as a downside of poly? Okay that makes sense, metas can be a pain sometimes...

Don't we all make sacrifices to have the relationship configurations we want to have?

 

[dingedheart]

Do you think your motivation for polyamory really matters?

Matters to whom? A spouse, prospective partners or yourself?

A guy I've always considered "a good poly player" said that his motivation for having poly partners is that he doesn't want to be monogamous himself. The part where they have other partners is kind of a downside of it but he rarely complains because it's an acceptable price for him to have the sexual and romantic freedom he wants.

Not to put words in his mouth, but are you saying he wouldn’t find any or enough benefits to remaining mono while his partner or spouse enjoyed being poly?

Why does he feel the downside is them having other partners ?

If someone told me this upfront, I'd see it as a dealbreaker or at least a major red flag simply because I wouldn't have the verification of his actions like I do with his guy.

Verification of what actions? Why is it major a red flag, and for whom, potential partners or a spouse?

How would you feel about it?

I guess it depends on how the poly dynamic came to be. You can hardly judge someone handed lemons for making lemonade. Actions cause reactions. These experiences CHANGE people. Someone married for 30 yrs and poly-bombed might change to fit the bigger picture.

 

[kdt26417]

What I think matters in poly, is that it is done with mutual consent. The reasons why each person consents to it are a secondary concern -- unless the reasons undermine the authenticity of the consent.

Consenting to one's partner practicing poly so that one may practice poly oneself, seems reasonable to me. One could reframe that as, "I want to practice poly. Would you be willing for me to do that? I'd be willing for you to do that too, if you want." That's a far sight better than what we've often seen on these boards, where one partner says, "I want to practice open/poly, but I want you to remain monogamous."

 

[SquishyHusk]

I could see how much my wife and her friend cared for each other, so I gave my blessing for them to be physical. The friend likes being with both of us, so I joined them in a triad. If she wanted my wife only, we'd probably have a V and I would still be monogamous.

My motivation was to see two people I cared about be happy with each other. For me, being poly is about giving my wife space to get what she needs. I'm not completely selfless, though. Our girlfriend is really great. Even without the sex, I'd be enjoying her cooking and housekeeping.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Im not sure I understand...

He is poly, so he seeks poly partners because he doesn't want to be monogamous. That makes sense.. right?

And he views metas as a downside of poly? Okay that makes sense, metas can be a pain sometimes...

Don't we all make sacrifices to have the relationship configurations we want to have?

He wants to be able to fuck and love other people, and understands it's not fair unless his partner can too. If there was a way that it could both be fair and him not have to deal with his partner also sharing their time/energy with other people, he would pick that.

The reason he doesn't seek out mono people is because they're not typically great at having a poly partner (obviously).

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

And if so, has anyone else judged only on philosophy and missed out on a good relationship that they would have had no qualms about otherwise?

I don't know if I have. That's part of what I'm pondering. I've never been in dating territory with this guy, but if I knew this sooner, I'd probably not consider him the "good poly player" that I do, now.

If we did enter dating territory and I found this out, I might have pulled back.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Don't we all make sacrifices to have the relationship configurations we want to have?

I don't know that we all do.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Why does he feel the downside is them having other partners ?

Not being their only partner and all that comes with that. Reduced availability, increased std risk, all of those things.

Why is it major a red flag, and for whom, potential partners or a spouse?

I'd assume the person would make a ruckus if, for whatever reason, they went through a dry spell.

 

[dingedheart]

Not being their only partner and all that comes with that. Reduced availability, increased std risk, all of those things.

Okay, I'm getting it now.

I'd assume the person would make a ruckus if, for whatever reason, they went through a dry spell.

And this assumption is based solely on motivation, correct?

Couldn’t he or people do the same thing? Poly women enjoy sexual variety, thus, they’re easy to get in bed or into kink.

Define "dry spell." And what constitutes a "ruckus," vocalizing a concern or disparity?

 

[Inaniel]

I think sometimes our judgements are in error. In this case, the error might be assuming everyone who has this different philosophy of poly would automatically be a “bad poly player."

I don’t think this particular issue would be a red flag for me. But then again, I’ve dated mono people without giving it much thought.

My red flags probably place more weight on behaviors and treatment, rather than someone’s statements or ideas. But if someone’s way of thinking gave me the ick, I would not think twice about eliminating them as a romantic possibility, even if they were otherwise a great person/partner for someone else.

I think intention comes into play, as well. Red flags are going to be more impactful if my intention is relationship escalator/entanglement-type stuff. If my intention is to have an activity partner with whom I have sex occasionally, red flags might even be an entertaining part of a lighthearted dynamic.

 

[MeeraReed]

I think you're overthinking his philosophy.

It doesn't sound that bad or that different from most poly people. Like, it's obviously fun & beneficial for most poly people to have/want more than one partner, but it's hard work to have metamours yourself & to navigate your feelings about your partner's other partners. But most poly people conclude that it's obviously worth it do the hard work and wouldn't be fair otherwise.

Actually that sounds kind of like the essence of poly to me. Dating more than one person is fun. Navigating metamour relationships is often challenging, but necessary and worth it.

Similarly, a poly/mono relationship is hard, because the mono person might feel hurt / might want to restrict the poly partner, and the poly partner might not want the difficulty of navigating that dynamic. So it's reasonable for a poly person to want to date other poly people rather than mono people, specifically because it's easier to be poly if your partners are also poly--but not necessarily because you WANT your partners to have other partners (because that's also challenging for you). If that makes sense.

I would assume that poly people who want multiple mono partners are problematic/unethical...but I don't think this friend of yours falls into that camp. He sounds like he's honest about admitting that his dream-world ideal would not be fair and would not make sense, so he doesn't seek it.

It's like how I don't enjoy cooking and would be happy to have someone make all my meals for me...but there's no way that would be fair. I believe adults should be able to cook so I learned, and my daily life is better because I cook for myself. Would my fantasy dream partner be a sort of sexy butler who cooks all my meals for me? Yes he would! But in real life I wouldn't actually be comfortable with that dynamic in a relationship.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

And this assumption is based solely on motivation, correct?

Yes. If polyamory is attractive to you because you get to date lots of people, what happens if you find yourself in a dry spell?

How many people do we see who report that one partner has more dates and the other wants them to stop because it's "unfair"? There have been quite a few variations on that.

But then again, I’ve dated mono people without giving it much thought.

A mono person who happily dates a poly person is pretty much the opposite of this guy.

But if someone’s way of thinking gave me the ick, I would not think twice about eliminating them as a romantic possibility, even if they were otherwise a great person/partner for someone else.

I have to say I'm similar, purely because I have noticed patterns over time. I got bitten by someone who acted a certain way because they thought a certain way. Next time, I looked out for people who thought that way and avoided them.

but it's hard work to have metamours yourself & to navigate your feelings about your partner's other partners.

I don't know that I fully empathise with that feeling. I don't personally find this the hardest part of polyamory. I find it harder to balance my own relationships.

So it's reasonable for a poly person to want to date other poly people rather than mono people, specifically because it's easier to be poly if your partners are also poly

I don't know that it is easier. We all know that poly people can be really bad at poly relationships and they can be fraught with conflict. It feels like, "You're poly too" is a way to skip actually resolving the conflict, jumping straight to "you can't complain." It's like a trump card. But you're not actually doing the work of finding a compatible partner and building a healthy, mutually-fulfilling relationship.

The thing with this guy is, I know enough about him to know his actions are "good enough" for me. It's just disconcerting for me to know the motivations aren't attractive to me.

 

[dingedheart]

Yes. If polyamory is attractive to you because you get to date lots of people, what happens if you find yourself in a dry spell?

How many people do we see who report that one partner has more dates and the other wants them to stop because its unfair? Quite a few variations on that.

What you’re saying is: motivation should matter to the spouse. And it matters from a practical or functional standpoint, which would be the anticipation of throwing a wrench. But because of his motivation inside his marriage you find “it," thus him, unattractive?

The thing with this guy, I know enough about him to know his actions are "good enough" for me. It's just disconcerting for me to know the motivations aren't attractive to me.

If we start judging others by their motivations and what’s healthy and what’s not, isn’t that a pretty slippery slope?

A hypothetical couple has been married for 14.5 years. They have two kids, ages 10 and 12. She drops the poly bomb on him. She’s developing feelings for a coworker, because said coworker has shown some interest. Hubby is convinced she is acting out of low self esteem from as far back as high school, and/or seeking validation from men from unresolved daddy issues from a childhood divorce, possible anxiety and depression, escapism from reading too many romance novels, etc., etc. Pick one or two or fill in a better one.

His fear is she’s going to be used as a sex toy and discarded, and that scumbag guys will be lining up to fuck a married woman; they've got their hands up, ready to go; ethical slut line starts here. However, like you said somewhere above in your real world example, this hypothetical guy agrees that this is the cost of being poly.

Should motivation all around matter?

He‘s now poly because he doesn’t want to lose half his 401k, see his kids on the weekends, and sit home jerking off to porn while his wife is out expressing her true self and becoming more enlightened. Is either side of this more attractive or less unattractive, from a motivational point of view?

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

What you’re saying is that motivation should matter to the spouse.

I'm asking if it matters to other people. It matters to me for several reasons. For instance, is someone generally very private about their living space and that's why they won't have metamours in their shared home with my (potential) partner, or is it more about their discomfort with polyamory, which would present wider issues?

If we start judging others by motivations and what’s healthy and what’s not, isn’t that a pretty slippery slope?

I think we look at motivations often. For example, it's not uncommon to think about why someone very rich gives a lot to charity and to start to critique who they give to and why they don't give to other places.

Should motivation all around matter?

Yeah, I think the guy is right to consider this. He has shared stakes with his partner. They have kids. Depending on how much he thinks her issues will influence her choices, he is within his rights to bring this up. Can he control her? No. But he can certainly say he's not willing to stay in a relationship under such conditions.

Is either side of this more attractive or less unattractive, from a motivational point?

I wouldn't choose this guy as a partner if that's why he was poly. I wouldn't choose her either, if I come to feel similar things as he does about her reasons for wanting multiple relationships. And if he's right, it will become apparent pretty quickly to those people she meets. They'll either exploit her, or "abandon" her, and it will reinforce those issues he believes she has. So again, he is right to be concerned.

 

[Inaniel]

A mono person who happily dates a poly person is pretty much the opposite of this guy.

I was not trying to make a judgement about him. I was sharing that about myself to provide more insight about why this wouldn’t be a red flag for me.

Polyamory, in and of itself, has been a poor indicator of compatibility for me, so it doesn’t have much of a weighting factor in my decision-making about a potential partner.

I have to say I'm similar, purely because I have noticed patterns over time. I got bitten by someone who acted in a certain way because they thought a certain way. Next time, I looked out for people who thought that way and avoided them.

We probably have that approach in common. However, people have surprised me from time to time as I got to know them better. This is also depicted in many love stories, where two people initially find each other off-putting, only to fall in love in the end…