Relationship imbalance and partner insensitivity

[Bobbi]

I'm probably going to explain this badly because I'm quoting from a therapist friend.

When you guys have this as your "pivot point", like the thing that must stay the same, you start navigating some really unchartered territory in terms of building healthy relationships.

You see, (again, I'm trying to apply a wider point to your specific circumstance), whether it is nature or nuture, humans tend to need some sort of clear boundary around the categories of their relationships. Even if you are poly, feeling like you're committed to living with an ex for the next decade plus, and you have to navigate all your romantic relationships around that fact, prompts you to try and think laterally to just make it all work. It's pretty unconventional.

More importantly, it's unconventional purely because humans seem to have found they simply cannot have healthy relationships with anyone without these boundaries and the convention of "moving on". Again, that might be nature, or it might be nurture, either way, it is. Or seems to be the case in the vast majority of cases, at least.

This is true.

In my case, we actually did it and made it work, so it can be done. I’m not saying it was easy or that anyone can do it. In my case, we went into separate bedrooms, eased contact beyond cordial salutations, and became like distant roommates for several weeks, to emotionally break apart, mourn and heal. You have to have separation of the relationship and both understand that it’s over and have strong boundaries, or it will linger on, just confusing things. You both have to be clear it’s over and not read into anything that might be giving mixed signals. Stop checking in with one another (unless it’s about the kids). Being cordial, asking "How was your day?" sharing where you are going, etc., needs to stop. Those things can slowly restart after you have both emotionally disconnected from the habits of your romantic relationship.

He now has his life, I have mine and we share a home wonderfully. I love him. He’s family to me and vice versa. I’d say we now relate closest to a sibling relationship. Love, family, and a forever relationship. My other partners know him as a platonic life partner and understand the commitment we have to each other. He may eventually move out, as he does have dreams of living elsewhere and I’m not interested at all in moving where he wants. But that’s the nature of relationships. They continue until someone chooses something different.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

We actually did it and made it work, so it can be done. I’m not saying it was easy or anyone can do it. In my case, we went into separate bedrooms and eased contact beyond cordial salutations and became like distant roommates for several weeks. This was to emotionally break apart, mourn and heal. you have to have separation of the relationship and both understand that it’s over and have strong boundaries or it will linger on just confusing things. You both have to be clear it’s over and not read into anything that might be giving mixed signals. Stop checking in with one another (unless it’s about the kids). Cordial how was your day, sharing where you are going, etc. needs to stop. Those things can slowly restart after you both are emotionally disconnected From the habit of your romantic relationship.

He now has his life, I have mine and we share a home wonderfully. I love him. He’s family to me and vice versa. I’d say we now relate closest to a sibling relationship. Love, family, and a forever relationship. Partners know him as a platonic life partner and understand the commitment we have to each other. He may eventually move out, as he does have dreams of living elsewhere and I’m not interested at all in moving where he wants,. But that’s the nature of relationships. They continue until someone chooses something different.

I think the key thing is that you have to really be okay with how that choice will limit your dating life. Essentially, you just have a nesting partner. Obviously, if you're monogamous, that's a major obstacle in dating. If you're polyamorous, it means that people seeking nesting relationships might see you as unavailable and be unwilling to have another "secondary" relationship that limits their availability to potential "primary" partners.

You have to be genuinely okay with how this choice limits your availability. And some people really are okay with that.

Aside from that, if you're polyamorous just to encompass this situation, I'd think there is generally a higher chance of problems.

All of this isn't aimed at you, @Bobbi , just building on what I was saying earlier, using your post. It's more that I think someone in the OP's situation isn't content with their choice, hence the deviance from agreements.