astrosneddy
Member
I did not realise how long I had made this post. I will break it into two parts because I am unsure how to shorten it.
Part 1
My wife and I have been “poly,” or maybe more ENM (CNM) for our whole relationship, coming up to 16 years. It was largely not active for much of this time, due to incorrectly going about it initially, and the fact that there was not an obvious community for us to lean on during that time. We did not even have the word “polyamorous” to use until we had been married and open for some time.
There is a long and arduous story about the trials and tribulations of that time, but what was most important and most played out during that time was that we loved one another above all else. To be concise, though, I am going to skip over much of it, with the more important facts of things.
Firstly, my wife is bisexual, and I am not. However, she was in denial about that for a while, and is only really starting to openly accept and explore it now. I can honestly say I am not bothered by her being with other people, although we have not really explored that where feelings are involved. But we have always been clear that we think the real thing we sought was something that had more connection than one-night stands and hook-ups.
We had a bunch of different experiences here and there. But eventually my wife decided she couldn’t do it anymore, as she felt too insecure and stated that she wanted to pull the pin on it. (We had made the decision in ignorance, that if either of us wanted to stop, we would stop.) I had become too invested at this stage, seeing ENM as more of a sexual identity than a choice. And while I was willing to stop, I did not think I could honestly say I could do so without issue, or that remaining faithful was certain, despite the fact I would not go seeking anything. I was honest and told her she ,as my priority, but I do not think I can be monogamous.
This started what she considered to be a don’t-ask-don’t-tell stage of our relationship. I do not consider it the same, as I did, in fact, both ask and tell during this time. It was just that our open communication around such things had become very strained. I also made many mistakes trying to encourage or instigate sexual activities between the two of us and others. This was not unicorn seeking, although it would have seemed this way, but an attempt to encourage my wife to not lose all hope about our ability to walk that path. Silly, I know, but we were young and did not have community support.
My wife was insecure about the relationship, and I wanted her to feel secure. Besides lying to her and saying, “I will be monogamous” I did what she asked. She told me she was threatened by a certain woman I was seeing (before the pin was pulled) and I stopped. She later (after the pin, when we did on occasion still have group activities) told me she did not want to have a sexual element with this woman anymore, but focus on the friendship, and I stopped trying to facilitate sex.
I am not claiming that I did everything correctly. In fact, I did much wrong, and in the things I did do, I most likely did them begrudgingly, and unintentionally built resentment and anger towards her, as a result. Our sex life crashed. She insisted she was still in love with and attracted to me, but there was nothing between us except for our friendship foundation and marriage title and familiarity. I found occasional sex in the form of an old friend I am not attracted to, who is a really average lay (sorry to be blunt) and represents everything I believed would not make my wife insecure at all. I literally only caught up with them on the rare occasion when I could no longer sit there and masturbate and look at myself in the mirror with any self-respect.
Things have now changed. Things are almost the entire opposite. My wife and I had a child, and we both turned 40. She began therapy and her whole life is changing for the better. I am really pleased for her about this. It made her realize she had ignored her bisexuality and I am aware that bi, literally means both, she was referring to the fact that she had not explored her attraction to females and had any sober and meaningful sexual experiences with women or relationships. This started her back into the polyamory lifestyle.
She has been talking about it all year, apparently, and I have not been ignoring her discussions, but in many years past we talked about this a lot, like after group sex or other things, and I would get my hopes up only to have them dashed. So I did not put any weight into things this time, to protect myself.
From my point of view, things seem to be moving very quickly now, but from hers, she has been moving slowly towards it all year.
I understand the difference, and that is fine, but there are some genuine concerns and issues I am having with how it is being approached, and how some or many of her actions and approaches seem insensitive and ignorant of my feelings, or the fact that I gave up so much for many years to make sure she was secure. I feel I am getting no sensitivity in return, despite the fact we both agree, in hindsight, that I should not have allowed her to veto things, and should have engaged in better, more honest and healing discussions. I remind you again, we had no community support and had to figure out a lot on our own. We also had no idea where and how our childhood traumas were going to play into things.
I was not left in the dark with all her changes. We both started dating-app profiles. We were walking down the path together, although she had made it clear she wanted to date solo and not together (which I did not want either, although still enjoy and desire group activities with her). She had a little luck with dating, going on two dates with women after starting her profile.
She still does not know how to proceed there, how “it all works,” dating women, making moves etc. This resulted in her deciding to start chatting with guys again. I didn't have a problem with this because she explained it as being for research, not about looking for genuine connection, but comparing the formula of how the process works with guys, as she knows that formula, and seeing how it can apply to women. She then went on two dates with men and I was still fine.
I have my own stuff going on during this time. I got diagnosed with ADHD, and lost my job, so was not really in the position to go dating, etc. Instead, I focused on getting a new job and sorting out what my neurodiversity meant for myself and my family. I am still doing that.
As far as I knew, she was seeing or chatting with four to six people. I know now that it was/is just one. Things did not work out or progress with the two women, and one of the men called things off, as things had changed in his life. The other two people were random group sex she had after a night out she had at a place we used to go together (where I'd always tried to have the night end with some group activity, as it is somewhat of an erotic club, and it is common for people to leave together for such things). But I stayed at home with our child that night, and she went out and had the night I'd always wanted us to have, that she always vetoed.
I feel like she keeps shifting the goal posts and unilaterally making decisions that affect us both, by presuming my response, instead of discussing it. I also do not want to invade her privacy, but she is not sharing near enough with me for me to understand where she is at, and not be shocked or surprised by it.
Part 1
My wife and I have been “poly,” or maybe more ENM (CNM) for our whole relationship, coming up to 16 years. It was largely not active for much of this time, due to incorrectly going about it initially, and the fact that there was not an obvious community for us to lean on during that time. We did not even have the word “polyamorous” to use until we had been married and open for some time.
There is a long and arduous story about the trials and tribulations of that time, but what was most important and most played out during that time was that we loved one another above all else. To be concise, though, I am going to skip over much of it, with the more important facts of things.
Firstly, my wife is bisexual, and I am not. However, she was in denial about that for a while, and is only really starting to openly accept and explore it now. I can honestly say I am not bothered by her being with other people, although we have not really explored that where feelings are involved. But we have always been clear that we think the real thing we sought was something that had more connection than one-night stands and hook-ups.
We had a bunch of different experiences here and there. But eventually my wife decided she couldn’t do it anymore, as she felt too insecure and stated that she wanted to pull the pin on it. (We had made the decision in ignorance, that if either of us wanted to stop, we would stop.) I had become too invested at this stage, seeing ENM as more of a sexual identity than a choice. And while I was willing to stop, I did not think I could honestly say I could do so without issue, or that remaining faithful was certain, despite the fact I would not go seeking anything. I was honest and told her she ,as my priority, but I do not think I can be monogamous.
This started what she considered to be a don’t-ask-don’t-tell stage of our relationship. I do not consider it the same, as I did, in fact, both ask and tell during this time. It was just that our open communication around such things had become very strained. I also made many mistakes trying to encourage or instigate sexual activities between the two of us and others. This was not unicorn seeking, although it would have seemed this way, but an attempt to encourage my wife to not lose all hope about our ability to walk that path. Silly, I know, but we were young and did not have community support.
My wife was insecure about the relationship, and I wanted her to feel secure. Besides lying to her and saying, “I will be monogamous” I did what she asked. She told me she was threatened by a certain woman I was seeing (before the pin was pulled) and I stopped. She later (after the pin, when we did on occasion still have group activities) told me she did not want to have a sexual element with this woman anymore, but focus on the friendship, and I stopped trying to facilitate sex.
I am not claiming that I did everything correctly. In fact, I did much wrong, and in the things I did do, I most likely did them begrudgingly, and unintentionally built resentment and anger towards her, as a result. Our sex life crashed. She insisted she was still in love with and attracted to me, but there was nothing between us except for our friendship foundation and marriage title and familiarity. I found occasional sex in the form of an old friend I am not attracted to, who is a really average lay (sorry to be blunt) and represents everything I believed would not make my wife insecure at all. I literally only caught up with them on the rare occasion when I could no longer sit there and masturbate and look at myself in the mirror with any self-respect.
Things have now changed. Things are almost the entire opposite. My wife and I had a child, and we both turned 40. She began therapy and her whole life is changing for the better. I am really pleased for her about this. It made her realize she had ignored her bisexuality and I am aware that bi, literally means both, she was referring to the fact that she had not explored her attraction to females and had any sober and meaningful sexual experiences with women or relationships. This started her back into the polyamory lifestyle.
She has been talking about it all year, apparently, and I have not been ignoring her discussions, but in many years past we talked about this a lot, like after group sex or other things, and I would get my hopes up only to have them dashed. So I did not put any weight into things this time, to protect myself.
From my point of view, things seem to be moving very quickly now, but from hers, she has been moving slowly towards it all year.
I understand the difference, and that is fine, but there are some genuine concerns and issues I am having with how it is being approached, and how some or many of her actions and approaches seem insensitive and ignorant of my feelings, or the fact that I gave up so much for many years to make sure she was secure. I feel I am getting no sensitivity in return, despite the fact we both agree, in hindsight, that I should not have allowed her to veto things, and should have engaged in better, more honest and healing discussions. I remind you again, we had no community support and had to figure out a lot on our own. We also had no idea where and how our childhood traumas were going to play into things.
I was not left in the dark with all her changes. We both started dating-app profiles. We were walking down the path together, although she had made it clear she wanted to date solo and not together (which I did not want either, although still enjoy and desire group activities with her). She had a little luck with dating, going on two dates with women after starting her profile.
She still does not know how to proceed there, how “it all works,” dating women, making moves etc. This resulted in her deciding to start chatting with guys again. I didn't have a problem with this because she explained it as being for research, not about looking for genuine connection, but comparing the formula of how the process works with guys, as she knows that formula, and seeing how it can apply to women. She then went on two dates with men and I was still fine.
I have my own stuff going on during this time. I got diagnosed with ADHD, and lost my job, so was not really in the position to go dating, etc. Instead, I focused on getting a new job and sorting out what my neurodiversity meant for myself and my family. I am still doing that.
As far as I knew, she was seeing or chatting with four to six people. I know now that it was/is just one. Things did not work out or progress with the two women, and one of the men called things off, as things had changed in his life. The other two people were random group sex she had after a night out she had at a place we used to go together (where I'd always tried to have the night end with some group activity, as it is somewhat of an erotic club, and it is common for people to leave together for such things). But I stayed at home with our child that night, and she went out and had the night I'd always wanted us to have, that she always vetoed.
I feel like she keeps shifting the goal posts and unilaterally making decisions that affect us both, by presuming my response, instead of discussing it. I also do not want to invade her privacy, but she is not sharing near enough with me for me to understand where she is at, and not be shocked or surprised by it.
