age gap

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Circling back to the OP's situation, the meta in question is 28. Would you have the same concerns about a meta who is almost 30?

I said earlier that I think you age out of that type of vulnerability in your late 20s. It's not an overnight thing, by any means. But I'm more concerned about what I'd describe as young adults who are under 25.

There's this thing that happens where a couple are poly, but the guy finds that the only women into him are in this age group. Probably because older women want more than they know he can offer, as we discussed in that "what married women want" thread. So yes, the only people who will give him any time of day are these young women.

Why?

It's probably an expression of their immaturity, or at the very least, a reflection of where they are at this second. It's not in any way stable, and soon they'll want something you might not be able to offer.

It would be a bit like if you made an offer to people, but the only takers were those who were intoxicated. At some point, you must wonder why nobody sober wants what you are giving out.

 

[Evie]

I'm going to chime in here. I think 28 is wildly different than, say, 22. Sure, some of that is biological/neurological. Some is social. Some is professional. 6 years up to 30 is 1/5 of your life experience. I don't believe age is just a number, I believe it is the accumulation of experiences, of responsibilities, of wrinkles earned. There are a lot of things that push us forward in this life, such as first salaried job (as opposed to wages). First mortgage. First baby. First close friend death. First life altering diagnosis. First live in relationship and learning interdependency.

And then there's the life maintenance that goes along with some of these. Young, and I mean "under-25-especially" young, people are likely to have very few of these in comparison. They (I, at that age) had a kind of trust in my older boyfriends that was then abused...

Sure, there was certainly a lot I could contribute to the relationship, but with an older partner, there was always a power imbalance. Because yes, he generally had more social and/or financial capital simply by virtue of longevity. And more importantly a cemented set of relationship values that I didn't have through lack of experience. We weren't growing together as a couple, au contraire, I was being moulded, and to my detriment.

So my age gap relationships did more harm than good, even the one who deeply believed in, "leave someone better than you found them" had a notion of better than ended up me being never good enough.

Same with the second and third age gap relationships... I kept meeting these "interesting" people and trying to make it work, but even as someone who was always "mature for her age" - no: under 25 in particular is not healthy for actual committed relationships with +40.

I will die on this hill.

 

[pftsh]

Circling back to the OP's situation, the meta in question is 28. Would you have the same concerns about a meta who is almost 30?

Why do you keep nitpicking about specific ages? Good grief. This is not helpful and all it does is expose your screwy views about women.

Stop trying to justify that you like to chase much younger women.

 

[pftsh]

I said earlier that I think you age out of that type of vulnerability in your late 20s. It's not an overnight thing, by any means. But I'm more concerned about what I'd describe as young adults who are under 25.

There's this thing that happens where a couple are poly, but the guy finds that the only women into him are in this age group. Probably because older women want more than they know he can offer, as we discussed in that "what married women want" thread. So yes, the only people who will give him any time of day are these young women.

Why?

It's probably an expression of their immaturity, or at the very least, a reflection of where they are at this second. It's not in any way stable, and soon they'll want something you might not be able to offer.

It would be a bit like if you made an offer to people, but the only takers were those who were intoxicated. At some point, you must wonder why nobody sober wants what you are giving out.

I think it may also be the case that younger people are more open to poly relationships.

On other forums, I see a lot of complaints about the dating pool for poly people being real shallow.

I personally haven't done online dating looking specifically for poly or open people, but despite my age I have no problem attracting ppl through online dating in general.

 

[pftsh]

This is not an equal exchange. Of course you can spend money and lose status but what is inevitable is that a woman becomes older, infertile and by societal standards, less beautiful.



Consent is a subjective word. I think the power imbalance can be such that someone is unable to provide good consent. I don't think the age of consent is all a considerate person takes into account when deciding if a power imbalance is too coercive.

I do think, and I'm sure people have heard me say, that we need to be more stark when warning young people about the power differences between them and much older people. That their belief that they are giving informed consent may be skewered purely because they lack the age/experience to know what's good for them. Like those celebrities and several other accounts from people. A lot of women have personal accounts of the same experience of later seeing the relationship for what it was.

I've only really socialised in a queer/poly/kinky environment for years now but I have noticed something in particular about the young people in that crowd. They have a particular confidence in their decisions that I find quite worrying.

They often speak about their vanilla/straight/mono peers as if they are much younger and less enlightened and can successfully isolate the risks and poor decisions they make. But they lack the ability to see the same thing in themselves.

Oh yeah and that naiviete with Dunning-Kruger effect makes them VERY vulnerable to predators in the kink community. I see them make bad decisions all the time. They'll post pics of themselves Hustler style spread-eagle w no consciousness of how that could backfire on them years down the road.

 

[Inaniel]

Why do you keep nitpicking about specific ages? Good grief. This is not helpful and all it does is expose your screwy views about women.

Stop trying to justify that you like to chase much younger women.

I’m not sure where this is coming from because my partners are both very near to my own age. We are all in our 30s. By your standards I’m less of a creep than the man you are dating…

 

[Inaniel]

I'm going to chime in here. I think 28 is wildly different than, say, 22. Sure, some of that is biological/neurological. Some is social. Some is professional. 6 years up to 30 is 1/5 of your life experience.

I wholeheartedly agree with this, it’s another reason to bring resolution into what people mean by dating someone in their “twenties”. I think big changes in life happen between 20 and 29, generally speaking.

Would you also set an age limit for a meta?

 

[AlwaysGrowing]

I'm confused about who Kate is. Is she dating Biff as well as being married to your other partner Steve? So she's your metamour twice over?

Why was there so much drama about you meeting her?

Honestly the entire polycule sounds full of drama. Kate asking to keep the meeting a secret is weird, Biff being cagey and dishonest is a red flag, and pftsh's blaming of Tiffany's age instead of actually focusing on Biff's dishonesty is just... icing on the drama cake.

I get being nervous meeting metas in general though. It is awkward af at times. Doesn't make lying or asking someone to lie about it okay.

Why do you keep nitpicking about specific ages? Good grief. This is not helpful and all it does is expose your screwy views about women.

Stop trying to justify that you like to chase much younger women.

People are sharing their opinions and experiences to try to help YOU. The person you are being (overly) aggressive towards isn't even 10 years older than Tiffany, but it would be "screwy" for him to date someone her age? Do you think anyone under 30 should only date other people under 30? I'm honestly baffled by your perspective on this one.

 

[ambiguous]

Honestly the entire polycule sounds full of drama. Kate asking to keep the meeting a secret is weird, Biff being cagey and dishonest is a red flag, and pftsh's blaming of Tiffany's age instead of actually focusing on Biff's dishonesty is just... icing on the drama cake.

I get being nervous meeting metas in general though. It is awkward af at times. Doesn't make lying or asking someone to lie about it okay.

People are sharing their opinions and experiences to try to help YOU. The person you are being (overly) aggressive towards isn't even 10 years older than Tiffany, but it would be "screwy" for him to date someone her age? Do you think anyone under 30 should only date other people under 30? I'm honestly baffled by your perspective on this one.

Although he's in his 30s he seems pretty clueless about older/younger dynamics, and very much not really understanding issues of vulnerability and exploitation.

 

[ref2018]

Although he's in his 30s he seems pretty clueless about older/younger dynamics, and very much not really understanding issues of vulnerability and exploitation.

OP, please use a single account to post your messages. Which one do you want to keep, "pftsh" or "ambiguous"?

And stop being rude to other members. No one here has been rude to you.

 

[Evie]

.

I wholeheartedly agree with this, it’s another reason to bring resolution into what people mean by dating someone in their “twenties”. I think big changes in life happen between 20 and 29, generally speaking.

Would you also set an age limit for a meta?

Thanks for getting the point of my post. Like you, I *will* nitpick ages and not lump the whole of the 20s together.

I can't imagine having a 20 something meta ever being an issue for me as my partners just wouldn't go there these days, they've both said as much. But it's not like I could stop them if they really wanted to. Would I leave either of them because of it? Possibly. But that's easy to say when it's hypothetical, harder to do in practice.

Let's be honest, I'm the one who *has* a 20-something in my life but it's casual, I am not in a relationship with that person, and I wouldn't be for all the reasons I lived through as a young person.

 

[Inaniel]

I think if I were in Biffs position it would not be apparent to me that this grasp for control over my autonomy wasn't simply rooted in insecurity.. It reminds me of a thread a while back where a man tried to limit the penis size of the partner’s other relationships - like - "You can date other men as long is they don't have a bigger dick" vs. "you can date other women, but only if they are within 2x years of my own age..."

"You can date other peple but only if they meet xyz criteria" is what I am getting at. Add the double standard of, "oh, it's different if I do it myself" and I think I would be left feeling cringe about the whole thing.

As for consent... it's perplexing, I think it is more complicated than age difference alone, mostly because such relationships might be highly transactional. Is it unethical for a 23-yr old sex worker to consent to transactional sex with a 70-yr old man? Would that be so different than consenting to transactional sex with a 28-yr old man?

A savvy manipulator always has a thousand reasons YOU should not have the autonomy to do this or that. Having lived through that myself. maybe I am more prone to be suspicious of demands in this category...

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

think it is more complicated than age difference alone.

I think we have all said that, but age is definitely a factor when it comes to power imbalance. And yes, it can work the way in some gold-digging situations, but not the ones you think. I will give an example below.

wasn't simply rooted in insecurity..

If it's about a 20-year old girl, it's safe to say that the critics aren't just jealous, especially if it's your age-appropriate female partner.

You can date other men, as long as they don't have a bigger dick.

I remember that thread. I think it would be a reasonable concern in some circumstances where there are extremes, and I'd change bigger to "more functional." But this isn't a good comparison, nevertheless.

What's a better comparison is "bigger wallet." When your partner is willing to compromise their values, or what you thought were their values, including risking your relationship, just because someone is richer, it shows them in a new light.

But now, add something to them being rich. Imagine they're rich, but they also have some other aspect that makes them emotionally vulnerable-- like they're very sheltered, or perhaps they have some form of disability. Perhaps they're very old and lonely, and the person they have attached to is in their 30s or 40s.

Have you ever heard stories of a second, much younger, spouse disinheriting the first family of a now deceased person? I'm not talking rich people here, I'm talking like there is a 200k estate that a couple worked for their whole life and appreciated in value over decades. And yes, often that new spouse was someone middle-aged who took advantage of someone grieving.

That's why someone might feel compelled to put actual numbers on age gaps, or create some sort of rule around age gaps. It speaks of their character when they don't seem to acknowledge and be sexually repelled by the youthfulness and naivety of someone who is a very young adult.

 

[ambiguous]

I think if I were in Biffs position it would not be apparent to me that this grasp for control over my autonomy wasn't simply rooted in insecurity.. It reminds me of a thread a while back where a man tried to limit the penis size of the partner’s other relationships - like - "You can date other men as long is they don't have a bigger dick" vs. "you can date other women, but only if they are within 2x years of my own age..."

"You can date other peple but only if they meet xyz criteria" is what I am getting at. Add the double standard of, "oh, it's different if I do it myself" and I think I would be left feeling cringe about the whole thing.

As for consent.. It's perplexing, I think it is more complicated than age difference alone. Mostly because such relationships might be highly transactional. Is it unethical for a 23 yr old sex worker to consent to transactional sex with a 70yr old man? Would that be so different than consenting to transactional sex with a 28yr old man?

A savvy manipulator always has a thousand reasons YOU should not have the autonomy to do this or that... Having lived through that myself maybe I am more prone to be suspicious of demands in this category...

I'm tired of the argument that you can't leave your partner if they don't choose wisely when it comes to whom they're dating. Would you be ok with your partner dating a heroin addict?

 

[ref2018]

This thread is being locked until the OP writes to one of the moderators with a response to the question I asked above.