New thread split from: Seeking support when starting out

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monoinpoly

New member
I recently started speaking to a guy. We clicked instantly. After a week, he informed me that he was in a polyamorous relationship. I'd never heard of this. I'm monogamous, so it was a lot to get my head around. The problem was that I really fell for him and he said he fell too.

I didn't want to end it. He didn't live with this other partner so it worked for me, the quality time aspect of it, as we are long distance, so phone calls/video calls are all we have, mostly.

Fast forward a month, feelings have grown and he has now asked me to be his girlfriend. But now he and the other partner are moving in together, which is not a problem, but he has said it's going to make our communication more difficult. I'm not feeling happy about this. I am fully aware he has another partner. I respect their time fully, but I just think that our time will be determined by when he has spare few minutes nipping to the shops or late at night when the other partner is sleeping. I don't know what to do.
 
Bobbi said:
are moving in together, which is not a problem, but he has said it's going to make our communication more difficult. I'm not feeling happy about this. I am fully aware he has another partner. I respect their time fully, but I just think that our time will be determined by when he has spare few minutes nipping to the shops or late at night when the other partner is sleeping. I don't know what to do.

To me, that’s a red flag. Yes, he might not be able to answer you 24/7 but he should have plenty of time that’s not quality time with her. He can set aside time daily for you. If he can’t, then there’s a problem.

I would ask to meet and talk with her. That’s all he needs to know. If he says “no” then break up with him because he’s cheating. Even a story that she doesnt want to meet partners is enough to say goodbye.

Polyamory means all parties know and consent. Until you meet her and talk enough to know it’s her and not a stand in, and she says enthusiastically that they are poly and he can happily date whomever he wants, consent cannot be given
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Thankyou for your reply, he said me and her won't ever meet or speak so I just know what he's told me he's said to her, I'm new to this and I haven't spoke to him about my concerns I suppose because I've not known him long, and because I accepted he is poly I sort of feel like I don't have right to start putting pressure on so early on. My gut has felt uneasy for few days now.
 
monoinpoly said:
Thankyou for your reply, he said me and her won't ever meet or speak so I just know what he's told me he's said to her, I'm new to this and I haven't spoke to him about my concerns I suppose because I've not known him long, and because I accepted he is poly I sort of feel like I don't have right to start putting pressure on so early on. My gut has felt uneasy for few days now.
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He is a cheater and probably hasn’t told her anything. He’s moving in with her and keeping you on the back burner for his own needs. He doesn’t give a shit about you. end it and find someone who will make you a priority and not lie to you.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

It sounds like you've been dating this guy for 5-6 weeks total, as a long-distance online relationship. This is your first poly thing. You never heard of it before. He's asked you to be his GF, but he's moving in with his other partner now, which is going to make maintaining the online LDR harder on him. I'm not sure why that would make it harder. If they are practicing poly, it should not be a big deal that they each date other people and need time for those other relationships.

It makes me wonder if he is cheating on his other relationship with you, and calling it "poly" to hide it, and it was easier to hide from his local partner when living in separate homes, but now in the same home it will be harder to hide.

I wonder if he asked you to be his GF at this time to "secure" you, before telling you he's moving in with his other partner, basically to make it harder for you to drop him emotionally.

If he's doing shady stuff, none of that sounds ethical to me.

I am fully aware he has another partner. I respect their time fully, but I just think that our time will be determined by when he has spare few minutes nipping to the shops or late at night when the other partner is sleeping. I don't know what to do.
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I wonder if you know what to do, but are sad and don't want to break up, and are feeling anticipatory grief.

I don't think some "snippets here and there" is going to be all that fulfilling, especially when it's already a long-distance online relationship. It's okay to end it and part ways. It has not been a huge investment. Not everyone you talk to is destined to be a long-term relationship. You might want to bow out now, rather than later, since you don't really know if he's cheating.

If you intend to keep exploring polyamorous dating or other non-monogamous models, you might educate yourself. There are many books and podcasts out there, such as:

Opening Up
Open Deeply
Smart Girl's Guide
multiamory podcasts

Remember, YOUR poly practice is how YOU choose to conduct yourself. If other people are doing wonky or weird stuff, you don't have to go along with it. Your consent to do things or not belongs to YOU.

One of the things people learn is that "love is not enough." There have to be many other things for a relationship to be healthy and sustainable.

I'm sorry, though. I imagine it's hard.

Galagirl
 
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Hello monoinpoly,

It sounds like this guy is not a good match for you, in spite of clicking instantly, he has created a situation in which he can't talk with you as much as you need him to. It's sad for me to say that sometimes love is not enough. You love him, but does he love you? I'm not so sure.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
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