MoPoly
Active member
I’m interested in other people’s opinions on a recent situation that I’ve had trouble reading.
I have a husband, Pete (married 24 years) who divides his week between home and his girlfriend Mandy. I also have another nesting partner, Mike. Pete has dated Mandy for 4 years. She is 20 years younger than I am. Pete is in between us age-wise. Pete and I have been platonic for some time, but have never had any intention of divorcing or changing our financial situation. Mandy knew this before she started dating him.
At the start of their relationship, I welcomed her into my home. But Pete was an inexperienced hinge and shared personal information about me to her, and vice versa, that made us both a little insecure. One day she blew up at me, in my house, and very aggressively accused me of being ‘out of order,’ as she could see I still loved Pete. I said (in summary) ‘Yes, of course I do, but I am not threat to you and wish your relationship with him well.' She wouldn't listen, and blanked me for a long time, but eventually agreed, at my invitation, to talk and clear the air.
Since then, things have been calm, but predominantly parallel poly, not KTP. Pete is a better hinge and I have asked that he let me know in advance if she is coming round, or if there are any surprises or changes of plan. I can adapt if I have notice, but don’t like to be caught off-guard, especially since her previous explosion with me. When friends of Pete and mine come over, he sometimes asks if Mandy can come too. I invariably say yes, but do notice I am never invited to her place, even if friends of Pete and I go to see him at her house. That’s okay. She doesn’t have to, and I probably wouldn’t go, but Pete says it’s because she is still not entirely comfortable with our situation. She has also joined us at my house for two Christmases - at my invitation - with Pete, Mike, my mother and daughter.
Pete says Mandy finds it difficult to accept that we remain married, which makes me suspect she’s a bit of a cowgirl, and she is very clingy. She sometimes asks for an extra night, but never ‘gives it back.' She often phones him on his nights at home, while I never phone him on his nights with her. He could be firmer about this, but tends to give in to keep the peace. It’s the way he is. However, by and large, after 4 years, things are mainly calm and respectful.
Two weeks ago, my elderly mother died. I arranged the funeral at my mother’s church, an hour’s drive from us. I’m not religious, but she had a lot of friends among the parishioners. My siblings flew over to the UK from the USA to be with me. I asked Pete for extra support at this time, which meant missing one of his allocated nights with Mandy, to help me with all the house guests, as I had had little time to process her death. Pete asked if Mandy might come and meet my siblings one evening, but I said that this time I did not feel up to her presence, and I was sure she’d understand and would let our immediate family unit have the space we needed to grieve. I do not know if he communicated this to her.
On the day of the funeral, I was standing outside the church with Pete, Mike and my daughter greeting people, when suddenly Mandy appeared. I was gobsmacked. She hugged me and said she was sorry about my mum, then went into the church. When I turned to Pete to ask what was going on, he shrugged and looked cross. He had no idea she was going to pitch up like that.
Going into the church, my feelings were in turmoil, churning, and all over the place. Why had she done this? What on earth was going through her mind?
However, I didn’t want to let it ruin the day or create a drama when my family was gathered together there to honour my mother’s life. So, I decided to choose not to react. I told Pete - who hates emotional upsets and can’t handle them well - that I was okay, and asked my daughter to invite her to the wake. Mandy came to the wake and I spoke to her kindly. I suggested that at the end of the week I might contact her to invite her for a drink before my siblings went back to the States. However, later, on returning to my home, Mandy was there and stayed for the evening, and also came round the next evening, as well.
When I spoke to Pete afterwards he thought Mandy was genuinely trying to show her sympathy. However, I can’t help but suspect there was something else going on. Many old friends who knew me as a child didn’t know we were poly. I never felt the need to announce it. The parishioners at my mother’s church weren’t privy to that either. Was Mandy trying to out us? Or did she want to make sure everyone in my family knew she was Pete’s girlfriend? Or to humiliate me? Or to claim equal family membership? Why do I feel there was some ulterior motive?
Perhaps it’s just that she’s much younger and her generation are less formal about funerals? (If it had been the other way round I’d have let her know I wanted to attend.) Or perhaps it’s because she is American (I’m British) and there is a cultural difference in how people behave at funerals? Perhaps she feels part of the family, and I’ve not realised this. She did seem genuinely moved by my grief when I spoke about my mother… Or perhaps she was genuine, but just completely insensitive?
As you can read, I am very confused by this, at a difficult time for me when I feel quite vulnerable. I’m also going away in a few days, so this is not the right time to start a conversation with either of them about it. Nevertheless, it is on my mind.
I would be interested to know what others think and how you might have interpreted it and reacted.
I have a husband, Pete (married 24 years) who divides his week between home and his girlfriend Mandy. I also have another nesting partner, Mike. Pete has dated Mandy for 4 years. She is 20 years younger than I am. Pete is in between us age-wise. Pete and I have been platonic for some time, but have never had any intention of divorcing or changing our financial situation. Mandy knew this before she started dating him.
At the start of their relationship, I welcomed her into my home. But Pete was an inexperienced hinge and shared personal information about me to her, and vice versa, that made us both a little insecure. One day she blew up at me, in my house, and very aggressively accused me of being ‘out of order,’ as she could see I still loved Pete. I said (in summary) ‘Yes, of course I do, but I am not threat to you and wish your relationship with him well.' She wouldn't listen, and blanked me for a long time, but eventually agreed, at my invitation, to talk and clear the air.
Since then, things have been calm, but predominantly parallel poly, not KTP. Pete is a better hinge and I have asked that he let me know in advance if she is coming round, or if there are any surprises or changes of plan. I can adapt if I have notice, but don’t like to be caught off-guard, especially since her previous explosion with me. When friends of Pete and mine come over, he sometimes asks if Mandy can come too. I invariably say yes, but do notice I am never invited to her place, even if friends of Pete and I go to see him at her house. That’s okay. She doesn’t have to, and I probably wouldn’t go, but Pete says it’s because she is still not entirely comfortable with our situation. She has also joined us at my house for two Christmases - at my invitation - with Pete, Mike, my mother and daughter.
Pete says Mandy finds it difficult to accept that we remain married, which makes me suspect she’s a bit of a cowgirl, and she is very clingy. She sometimes asks for an extra night, but never ‘gives it back.' She often phones him on his nights at home, while I never phone him on his nights with her. He could be firmer about this, but tends to give in to keep the peace. It’s the way he is. However, by and large, after 4 years, things are mainly calm and respectful.
Two weeks ago, my elderly mother died. I arranged the funeral at my mother’s church, an hour’s drive from us. I’m not religious, but she had a lot of friends among the parishioners. My siblings flew over to the UK from the USA to be with me. I asked Pete for extra support at this time, which meant missing one of his allocated nights with Mandy, to help me with all the house guests, as I had had little time to process her death. Pete asked if Mandy might come and meet my siblings one evening, but I said that this time I did not feel up to her presence, and I was sure she’d understand and would let our immediate family unit have the space we needed to grieve. I do not know if he communicated this to her.
On the day of the funeral, I was standing outside the church with Pete, Mike and my daughter greeting people, when suddenly Mandy appeared. I was gobsmacked. She hugged me and said she was sorry about my mum, then went into the church. When I turned to Pete to ask what was going on, he shrugged and looked cross. He had no idea she was going to pitch up like that.
Going into the church, my feelings were in turmoil, churning, and all over the place. Why had she done this? What on earth was going through her mind?
However, I didn’t want to let it ruin the day or create a drama when my family was gathered together there to honour my mother’s life. So, I decided to choose not to react. I told Pete - who hates emotional upsets and can’t handle them well - that I was okay, and asked my daughter to invite her to the wake. Mandy came to the wake and I spoke to her kindly. I suggested that at the end of the week I might contact her to invite her for a drink before my siblings went back to the States. However, later, on returning to my home, Mandy was there and stayed for the evening, and also came round the next evening, as well.
When I spoke to Pete afterwards he thought Mandy was genuinely trying to show her sympathy. However, I can’t help but suspect there was something else going on. Many old friends who knew me as a child didn’t know we were poly. I never felt the need to announce it. The parishioners at my mother’s church weren’t privy to that either. Was Mandy trying to out us? Or did she want to make sure everyone in my family knew she was Pete’s girlfriend? Or to humiliate me? Or to claim equal family membership? Why do I feel there was some ulterior motive?
Perhaps it’s just that she’s much younger and her generation are less formal about funerals? (If it had been the other way round I’d have let her know I wanted to attend.) Or perhaps it’s because she is American (I’m British) and there is a cultural difference in how people behave at funerals? Perhaps she feels part of the family, and I’ve not realised this. She did seem genuinely moved by my grief when I spoke about my mother… Or perhaps she was genuine, but just completely insensitive?
As you can read, I am very confused by this, at a difficult time for me when I feel quite vulnerable. I’m also going away in a few days, so this is not the right time to start a conversation with either of them about it. Nevertheless, it is on my mind.
I would be interested to know what others think and how you might have interpreted it and reacted.
